this is the first thing i've submitted to the forum it's a short story i wrote a few months ago, i appreciate feedback & criticism! ending's not too cheerful, i think i'll my next story will be more upbeat
The gentle swaying of the tube slightly soothed Nigel, although it still couldn’t push away his ever nearing reality. She would be there at the station waiting for him. But she’d found out. Oh god. Nigel surveyed the dirty carriage. So crowded, more than usual for a Wednesday night. Mostly young students dressed up for a night out, or exhausted office workers in suits, like himself, clutching their suitcases protectively. Nigel’s eyes settled on the woman opposite him, sleeping peacefully. She reminded him of Rachel somehow. The slight smile playing on her lips, the glossy hazel hair resting on her shoulders, the soft skin… ‘I bet she has Rachel’s deep brown eyes’, Nigel thought to himself. The train lurched unexpectedly, and the woman’s eyes flickered open. No, hers were an empty grey. Of course they were. She was just a stranger. Rachel, she was so beautiful, so charming, so perfect… She was gone. Nigel reached into his inside coat pocket, then saw the non-smoking sign above the woman opposite’s head. He sighed loudly. He hoped so badly that the tube would just go back; take him back in time to before he met Melissa. He didn’t love her. Not like Rachel. The woman with the grey eyes was smiling at him now. He smiled back. Maybe he could buy her a coffee at the tube station, and – no! What was he thinking? This was why he’d had the affair in the first place, and it served him right. He picked up the newspaper lying on his lap. “is Britain the fattest ever nation?” on the front page. Typical. He turned the page. “Fancy a Nail Job?” This was news of the world, was it? He turned his attention to the article underneath the advert. “Kate Moss celebrates birthday”. Nigel put the paper down and sighed again. The woman was still watching him. She drew in her breath as if about to say something, when all of a sudden the tube jolted to a halt, and all the lights went out. Nigel held his breath. And waited. Holding his breath. Waiting.
“Ladies and gentlemen, there is a technical delay. Please remain seated and wait for this to pass.” Everything went quiet again. For half an hour, everyone remained seated, waiting for something, anything to happen. Then, slowly, panic rose throughout the carriage. People started raising their voices amongst one another, all yelling at the same time. One man had stood up and was trying to get order in a gang of young adults arguing with each other. Another woman ran to the doors, trying to prise them open. Nigel remained seated, waiting for it to pass. He ran his hands through his hair, something he always did when he was nervous. Part of him wanted the train to start up again. He was scared. But part of him was almost glad that he wouldn’t have to face Rachel. And all the while it was getting hotter in the carriage. Nigel took off his coat and unbuttoned the top of his shirt. The woman opposite glanced around nervously. Nigel shut his eyes tight and slouched down in his seat, hoping that when he woke everything would be alright again. He screwed his eyes tight and blocked out the shouting. Everything would be alright…
Nigel woke again with a cramp in his neck. He looked around. He was still in the carriage, only he noticed it was much hotter now. No-one was arguing anymore, and everyone’s face had the same look of shock as they fanned themselves with magazines and books. Someone had taken their top off. The only noise was the quiet wailing of a little baby held in its mother’s arms.
“You’ve been asleep for about an hour.” Nigel turned around to see the woman with the grey eyes.
“Have I?”
“Yeah,” she said. She smiled at him. He looked away awkwardly. “It’s very hot,” she continued.
“I wonder why exactly,” Nigel said. “The power’s out, so…” The power was out! No lights! Nigel hadn’t noticed before, but there was a light from the tunnel behind the tube. Nigel stood on his seat and looked out the window. He couldn’t make out where it was coming from, as the tunnel bended behind the last carriage, but he could see shadows flickering on the opposite wall of the tunnel… Flickering… Fire!
“Fire,” he muttered.
“What?”
“Fire!” Nigel stood up. Then sat back down. Then stood up. What could he do?
“Did you say fire?” the man who was sitting next to him said. Nigel silently nodded. Soon the whole carriage was alive with the word fire. More panic. Nigel took the opportunity to try the doors. The doors on either side of the carriage, the ones that led out of the carriage wouldn’t budge, but he managed to open the door that led into the next carriage leading to the front of the tube, away from the fire. He strolled through the empty carriage as quickly as he could, beads of sweat rolling off his forehead. Some followed, others stayed behind still panicking and arguing. He opened the door into the next carriage. This was where all the people in the previous carriage had escaped to, the second carriage to the front. And it was just as noisy as Nigel’s carriage, only more tightly packed. He was so close to getting out, so close. Nigel walked up to the door leading into the front carriage, the driver’s carriage.
“We tried that,” a woman sitting on the floor said, “It won’t budge.” Nigel worried frantically when the door wouldn’t open. He banged himself the door. Nothing.
“Have you tried opening the windows?” he asked the woman on the floor. She shrugged.
“I don’t know. Try that. Try anything.” Nigel reached up to the handle on the top of window he was next to. He pulled with all his might. Yes! Yes! It was lowering! Slowly, the window was sliding down. Just then it stopped. Stuck. He kept on pulling down, but it was stuck. He had only managed to open it 10cm. Not enough. He tried the other window, but that wouldn’t budge at all. ‘What now?’ he thought. He was starting to get really scared. And hot.
“Who’s driving the tube?” he asked the woman.
“The driver, of course.”
“Where is he?”
“Look.” She pointed at the window. “You can just see into his carriage. He’s fainted against the window. Most probably from the heat.” She paused for a moment, looking down at the floor, and then looked up again. “Am I going to die?” she asked. Nigel looked at her. Tears were welling up in her eyes.
“Not just yet,” Nigel said. He thought back to the time he’d spent with Rachel. She used to tell him off for the amount of time he spent calling people from work. “You’re more in love with your phone than with me!” She had shouted at him, before going to her room and slamming her door. “I use it for important phone calls!” he had called after her. ‘Another example of when she was wrong and I was right,’ Nigel thought to himself, pulling the mobile from his trouser pocket.
“What are you doing?” The woman asked.
“Calling the police,” Nigel said, dialling ‘999’, then holding the phone to his ear. Nothing. He looked at his phone. NO SIGNAL flashed at him. “Bloody phone,” Nigel said, a tear falling down his cheek. He crouched on the floor next to the woman. Thick, black smoke filled the air. Nigel picked up the phone again, pressed menu, messages, and ‘write new message’. Nigel had always found texting so fiddly, but now it was his only hope.
‘DEAR RACHEL. I AM SO SORRY. I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I LOVE. WE ARE ALL TRAPPED ON THE TUBE UNDERGROUND. THERE IS FIRE. WE ARE GOING TO DIE. PLEASE, HELP US. NIGEL XXX’
Nigel pressed ‘send message’, but again, the NO SIGNAL sign flashed at him. Nigel threw his phone at the wall opposite. It fell back at his feet, slightly cracked, but the ‘NO SIGNAL’ sign was still flashing.
“Do you believe in heaven?” the woman asked.
“No. Never have.” Nigel said.
“I do. I believe we go to heaven when we die. Don’t you believe in anything after death?”
“Maybe. Some people think our spirits come back in different bodies.”
“Do you believe that?”
“I don’t know.” Nigel replied, ignoring the smoke, the heat, the screams and the lump of fear in his throat. The light was getting brighter. “Do you think you become a ghost?” he asked the woman.
“I doubt it. I still think we go to heaven. But there is no way to prove it. Never will be.”
“Well, how about this,” Nigel said. “I bet you £10 in the next life, we don’t go to heaven.”
“Then where do we go?”
“I don’t know. We’re about to about to find out.”
“Rachel! Rachel, let’s go home now. We’ve been waiting two hours for the tube.”
“Where is he, Kate?” Rachel asked.
“I don’t know.”
“I can’t believe him. First he sleeps with another woman, and then he leaves me waiting for him for two hours.”
“I know,” Kate said.
“But I’m just so angry!”
“Go home. He may have taken a different tube. Wait for him there.” Rachel sighed.
“Ok,” she said.
“Ok?”
“Yeah.”
“Right, let’s get out of here, it’s really hot.” Kate put her arm around her best friend, and they both walked out of the empty tube station.
(I noticed you were new)