Diaries of an Ex Queen Bee- Ch 1: Thoughts of a Dvasted Girl

Chapter One: Thoughts of a Devastated Girl

“This is fun,” I said sarcastically while I rolled my eyes and laid my head against the dashboard of our old light blue 1987 pickup truck that obviously needed a new muffler, indicated by the loud bangs and pwwows coming from the engine every time we sped up.

“Don’t worry we’re almost there. Just a few more hours.” When my mom says a few more hours (which she already said hours ago) she either means I’m not sure where I’m going but we’ll get there when we get there or we have a ways to go. But in this case I didn’t know which she meant.

What I still didn’t get was how my mother could do this to me? We lived in a nice apartment back in Monterey California where I dated the quarterback of the football team and was probably going to win prom queen at the high-class private school I went to. And most of all I was in the most popular clique ever.

Our clique was the kind you saw in the movies. We were all tall, tan, and beautiful. If you had to describe us in one word it would be hot because that was the truth, we were all hot. All the boys (and some of the girls) wanted us and every girl wanted to be us.

We ruled the school with a fashionably firm (and manicured!) hand and we took our job very seriously. We made sure that our school was the best, athletically, fashionably, and academically. We took pride in our school and we made sure every other school in the county knew it.

We consisted of four girls. Marley was the school slut you could say. She had a way with her body that made every guy want to get in her pants. Sabrina was the quiet one. She was the smarty-pants in our clique, taking first place in every academic contest our school offered. And then there was Jenny. We were best friends since first grade and had been inseparable since. We were like twins. We even finished each other sentences and dressed alike. It was crazy cool but at times she daunted on stalker like. I truthfully loved her but all she really was, was a wannabe me. She did everything I did. Dated the same people (after I dumped them of course), wore the same brands of clothes, she even had the same favorite stuff animal as me! How much more wannabe could you be?

I was the final girl in our group and the most important for I was the queen bee. The one they all loved (and hated at times). The one who made the group the top clique in our school. No one challenged my reign for they knew I couldn’t be beat.

I had the hottest body of our group. One that most supermodels would die for thanks to my recent dieting habits, which included not eating anything and when you feel like your going to faint drink a dieting shake. I had long beautiful blonde hair like a Barbie, lengthy tan legs, proportioned lips, light blue eyes, and I wore a C size bra for god’s sake! How much more pretty could I get? I had the latest designer clothes and I already mentioned my hot boyfriend.

Now I was forced to leave my reign in shambles! I could sense the endless joy Jenny had when I told everyone that I would be moving away but yet she still put on her fake sad face and acted like it was the end of the world just like the rest of the group.

“I’m going to miss you,” she would say but I could tell under that fake sadness lay the words, “took you long enough to leave you stupid slut.”

So I guess she will take my place as queen bee and take my extremely hot boyfriend.

That bitch.

A couple more months and I was going to graduate with everything I’ve always wanted but now my mom has me move to Alva Oklahoma (which sounded like some sort of Hicksville to me) for a “better career opportunity for herself”. How selfish of her! My life is officially ruined.

My name is Hailey Rose. And as you can see I had the perfect life.

My life was like a movie, right? I had to be happy before this disastrous move and yet I sometimes felt incomplete. So this is my journey to see if what I had before really made me happy. And if there’s any thing else that matters besides status and what people think of you, which I highly doubt

Although at first it sounds like this idea is a cliche, if you make her learning/transition process unique this could be good. The only thing I worry about is that if this is how you start out your story, it might be a little hard to relate to for most people. I haven't met anyone who thinks that their life is that perfect. Sometimes it works though, because you want to get inside the head of someone that isn't like you sometimes, when you read. And of course her problems are starting, as we see with the move.

yet I sometimes felt incomplete. So this is my journey to see if what I had before really made me happy. And if there’s any thing else that matters besides status and what people think of you, which I highly doubt

This sounds a little as if you (as the author) were describing to me what the book is going to be about. In other words, this foreshadowing is a little too heavy. She also just went on and on about how perfect her life was, and then suddenly she just tosses in there that sometimes she felt incomplete. Maybe you could examine this more and explain it instead of just adding it in there like that?

One thing that I really loved is that you got your character's voice down really well. You're really consistent (except for the one small spot I mentioned up above), with who this girl is, her perspective, and how she voices her thoughts.

when you feel like you're going to faint drink

Just a small grammar error.

Oh, and when you name a city and a state in the middle of a sentence there should be a comma in between the city and the state, and the state and the next word.

I'm interested to see where you go with this.

In spite of myself, I actually quite like this..

Just a couple of fix ups:

When my mom says a few more hours (which she already said hours ago) she either means I’m not sure where I’m going but we’ll get there when we get there or we have a ways to go. But in this case I didn’t know which she meant.

This should be: When my mom says a few more hours (which she had already said hours ago) she either means I’m not sure where I’m going but we’ll get there when we get there or we have a ways to go. But in this case I didn’t know which she meant.




Also... you really need to work on the whole show, don't tell thing. You tend to spend a lot of time telling the reader stuff, which makes us feel like you think we're a little bit simple. If you *show* the reader then the story becomes stronger and more realistic. In the lovely words of Janet Evanovich ". . . instead of stating a situation flat out, you want to let the reader discover what you're trying to say by watching a character in action and by listening to his(/her) dialogue. Showing brings your characters to life.".

Maybe try to give us a scene that sums up all of your descriptions of the girls in the cliques. Possibly the girls in class, with Marley flirting, Sabrina working hard and the MC and Jenny finishing each others sentences...?


And finally: maybe throw something in that stops the MC from being *quite* so steroetypical...It's just a little over the top.




Otherwise, this was an enjoyable piece, I look forward to reading more.

I totally liked this story. I don't want to be any of those mean members, but just remember to make 2 reviews before you post. I'm happy you posted though because this was really good. Can't wait for more!!

To the reviewers of my story

Hey thank you guys for reviewing my work! I'm not sure if you'll get to read this somehow but this is just a few comments to what you said.

To dreamintechnicolor: i really actually appreciate what you said about not telling the audience but instead showing it. the reason i did what i did is that i wanted sorta a flashback type thing instead of an actual scene with them all. I just flat out tell people what's going on with the characters because its not that important to know what's happening with them except for that they are rude and bitchy. That was the point of this chapter. Hailey doesn't stay in California so i didn't exactly want to share too much about them because generally they weren't important. But thank you so much for your comments, I will definitely use them in future writing!!

To anijumper: I have to admit it does sound very cliche at the beginning but that was the point of the chapter. The book is about how the cliche shouldn't even exist and everyone doesn't have to fit into some clique or catagory, so it was nessasary to do what i did.
Oh god, the for shadowing is quite heavy, you are definitely right there. I might try to fix that, but at the same time i like it because it lets the reader know what they are into.
Thank you for noticing the effort i put into the voice! I really do try hard to be in her shoes and know what she's thinking. I find that its pretty effective to do that sort of thing.

To all who have and will review my first chapter: i am horrible and grammar so if you find anything then let me know!! Thanks a bunch!