book i am writing

Her name was Branwen a young girl around the age of eighteen and a vision of rare beauty but that was hard to see for her dark ebony locks where dull and ratted. Her deep lavender eyes had lost there shine but instead glue bright with sadness and her pale honeyed skin was dry and cracked. But that day was clear, as clear as a polished crystal. It was the day she would learn what destiny had in store for her the air was a fragrant wave of vanilla and sandal wood. And the sky was an angelic blue she found herself trying to escape a forgotten chapel. That lye in the middle of a spherical mountain range but this chapel was far different. Than most for it was not a place of wisdom and beauty like you would think but a forgotten waste. Long sense abandoned by the monks and priests of its youthful days that was many years later made into an orphanage by a poor and bitter woman. Named Madame Arabella a once wealth and happy woman drove to the point of cruel insanity after the lose of her beloved daughter. So she began to take in unwanted children yet treated them as if she hated all children. It was a large building hidden away by the gnarled moss covered fingers of long senses dead tress. A places where children did not fall asleep to a warm bed and sweetly sung melody. But instead rocked in a cold hard cradle by the hand of a withered old hag and lulled by the pecking order of ravens ready to kill for there next meal ''I'm glade i have you Nana that place would scare me.'' '' I'm glad i have you to.'' The walls where old and piled of there ancient paper many had even crumbled over the years and lye. In piles of gray dust blowing in the ghoulishly murmurs of the wind. The floors cracked and creaked with every step taken on there dwindling floorboards. Even the sheen in them had all together vanished in its old age and left a kind of faded and splintered sky of light brown. Nothing had remained even the garden did not grow but left there to wither away like a pile of decaying rote something you think would not happen. But I suppose there was one thing that still stud the tomes of so many dead as if some kinda of plague stuck and had killed all in its path. They stood there covered in winding rose vines something so obscenely beautiful yet so eerie. sending chills down the spins of those daring to glance upon them. She ran away from this damned and unmerciful place darting in and out of trees climbing the hill side and hoping that there would be a place of purity where her feet where leading her body. And as she had reached her destination she fell into a bed of soft green pungent grass and stared into a ball of liquid gold fire she lay there in a state of relief. Yet it did not last long for the clouds grow dark and damp. The air bitter and harsh even the smell had faded bringing with it a new one it was dark and powerful yet kind and playful something like innocent purity being tainted in a cruel manner. My heart pulsed in my chest like a stamped of wild horses running from a storm the shy darkened and covered the land in silence. Yet then it was not the sky for as she looked close at the horizon it seemed to be a dark gray cloud of smoke and cinder dancing in the wind as if. It where a ballet of tiny dancers dressed in gray and a faint reds carrying the screams of many as if where a prop in there route

Hello there and Welcome to the YWS. We seem to have a lot of new members lately its great! Here are some suggestions/rules:

1. Keep the review/posting ratio at a 2/1. So since you have posted this review two other things.

2. This is kind of like a rule but not really, it is more of a suggestion. Space out your paragraphs. It is really hard to read something when it is just a big blob of words.

3. I don't know if you already have, but go to the welcome page and post a little bit about yourself. (i'm not sure but I don't think that counts for the whole 2/1 thing)

4. Take a look at the Writing Olympics. They are good fun, I believe you can find a link to them at the top of the web page.

5. PM me if you need anything.

Alright so when I attempted to read this it was hard. First off it sounds more like a summary of what you wrote not the actual story, and I guess that is cool, but the whole point of this site is to actually post your writings so people can read and review it and so you can get help and become a better writer.

You have quite a few grammatical errors. First you have a lot of run-on senteces, and you have some senteces that are broken up but shouldn't be. I would say the best way to eliminate grammatical errors is to type your writings in word document first and then copy and paste it into the post.

If you are looking for an idea of how post usually work on here than just look around at other people's work. I think the best examples would come from users like BigBadBear and other names in different colors (i think green, I'm not sure though). You can also read some of my stuff but it's not all that great.

Welcome again and I hope that was somewhat helpful!

--Rory Evelyn Legend

I'm going to be real nit picky because, though it needs a bit of work, it was interesting.

Her name was Branwen. She was a young girl around the age of eighteen, and a vision of rare beauty, but [s]that[/s] it was hard to see for her dark ebony locks where dull and ratted. Her deep lavender eyes had lost [s]there[/s] their shine [s]but instead glue bright with sadness[/s] but were bright with sadness, and her pale honeyed skin was dry and cracked.

[s]But [/s] That day was clear, as clear as a polished crystal. It was the day she would learn what destiny had in store for her. The air was a fragrant wave of vanilla and sandalwood. The sky was an angelic blue as she found herself trying to escape a forgotten chapel. [s]That lye in the middle of a spherical mountain range[/s] but this chapel was far different than most, for it was not a place of wisdom and beauty like you would think, but a forgotten waste.

Long [s]sense[/s] since abandoned by the monks and priests of its youthful days, [s]that was[/s] been many years later made into an orphanage by a poor and bitter woman. Named Madame Arabella, a once wealthy and happy woman who was [s]drove[/s] driven to the point of cruel insanity after the [s]lose [/s] loss of her beloved daughter. So she began to take in unwanted children, yet treated them as if she hated all children.

[s]It[/s] The orphanage was a large building hidden away by the gnarled, moss-covered fingers of long [s]senses[/s] since dead tress, [s]A[/s] a place[s]s[/s] where children did not fall asleep to a warm bed and sweetly sung melody. Instead, they were rocked in a cold, hard cradle by the hand of a withered old hag and lulled by the pecking [s]order[/s] of ravens ready to kill for [s]there[/s] their next meal

''I'm glad I have you, Nana. [s]that[/s] That place would scare me.''
''I'm glad I have you too.''

What was that last bit about? Is someone telling a story? If someone is, you should let it be known earlier, or delete that part I underlined.

The walls [s]where[/s] were old and [s]piled of there ancient paper[/s] many had even crumbled over the years and [s]lye[/s] lay in piles of gray dust[s], blowing in the ghoulish murmurs of the wind[/s]. The floors [s]cracked and[/s] creaked with every step taken on the dwindling floorboards. Even the sheen in them had [s]all together[/s] vanished in its old age and left a kind of faded and splintered sky of light brown.

Are you talking about the floor or the ceiling in the last sentence? It was unclear, because you started with "the floors" and ended with "a sky of light brown".

Nothing had remained. Even the garden did not grow, but was left there to wither away like a pile of decaying rot [s]something you think would not happen[/s]. But I suppose there was one thing that still [s]stud[/s] stood: the tomes of so many dead as if some kind of plague had struck and killed all in its path. They stood there covered in winding rose vines; something so [s]obscenely[/s] beautiful yet so eerie, that [s]sending[/s] sent chills down the spines of those daring to glance upon them.

[s]She[/s] Branwen ran away from this damned and unmerciful place, darting in and out of trees, climbing the hillside and hoping that there would be a place of purity where her feet where leading her body. [s]And [/s]As she [s]had[/s] reached her destination she fell into a bed of soft green [s]pungent[/s] grass and stared into a ball of liquid gold fire. She lay there in a state of relief.

[s]Yet [/s]It did not last long for the clouds grew dark and damp. The air bitter and harsh; even the smell had faded, bringing with it a new one [s]it[/s] that was dark and powerful, yet kind and playful, like some[s]thing[/s] innocent purity being tainted in a cruel manner.

My heart pulsed in my chest like a stamped of wild horses running from a storm the sky darkened and covered the land in silence.

You just changed the POV on us. First it was a third person; now it's first person.

Yet then it was not the sky for as she looked close at the horizon it seemed to be a dark gray cloud of smoke and cinder dancing in the wind as if. It where a ballet of tiny dancers dressed in gray and a faint reds carrying the screams of many as if where a prop in there route

This last bit doesn't make any sense. I also suggest that you move the paragraphs around a bit, to make the story flow better.

Otherwise, the story was good enough to have me reading it through the end. Hope my corrections helped you.

-Wordsmith

wel here goes first review...
the decribing was sketching put pecfectly formed, perhaps you could elaborate on certain things. i mean at the start you sed sherrical mounatin range, which sounds so interesting and id like to know more as a general rule here.
sorri but i love describtion, i want to know more about the mountains, are there craggy uneven drops rout with peril, or flat sloping grey rock fringed with perfect snow ectra

i like the casula use of speech with in the start as wel, kinda gives a glance into the characters and their relationship. very effective.

and finaly i realy like this line "soft green pungent grassits extemely elaquant
overall in intreged, you should post more soon

Ok, I'll tell you what you need to do. Get a book (a novel at best) and study how it is writen. About two years ago I was pretty bad at grammer but then I started studying Harry Potter books and I learned a bunch from it.

As for the story, it felt like it was going in the right direction.