Kyren's last hope

“Touch him and die.” I snarled, raising my sword. Mira frowned. Orion laughed heartlessly.
“And who are you to stand in our way?”
I turned to him, answering with the edge of my blade. His face hardened, but otherwise he made no movement.
“Leave.” I ordered, my voice shaking with fury. I didn’t care; my life meant nothing to me anymore. They could slit my throat here and now, but so long as I saved him, I didn’t care.
Mira hesitated, stepping back.
“Orion, we don’t need him. We’ve already taken enough.”
“Shut up, Mira!” snapped Orion, drawing his sword.
“I’ll not be stopped by a mere girl.”
Mira looked uneasily toward Kyren’s body. I gave her a look of death, hoping she understood that I was possessed by my hate; and love. Orion saw the exchange, and chuckled mirthlessly.
“There need be only one death tonight, girl.”
He was offering me a way out.
“Then it shall be yours,” I growled. He snickered.
“So be it.”
He lunged, but I was swifter than he, he recovered immediately and swiped at my stomach. I dodged the blow and attempted to slice his arm. He answered with his sword. We erupted into a flurry of sword clashes, blade against blade, life against life. I couldn’t win. He and I both knew it to be so. He was stronger, more experienced than I. Yet I fought. We twisted about the room, seeking advantage over each other as Mira cowered in the corner.
With each blow, with each block, I grew weaker. The weaker I grew, the greater his smile of triumph became.
Finally, my sword was knocked from my hand. I backed away, returning his gaze. He was going to kill me and take Kyren. So be it. I only hoped death was swift.
“Orion, please!” wailed Mira.
He silenced her with a look.
“Last words?” he spat mockingly. I said nothing, he knew what I wanted. To voice it would only be begging. I merely glared back at him in defiance.
He shrugged, and lifted his sword. Mira screamed as he plunged it into my chest.

I really liked this story! It caught my attention definitely and was all full of emotion and excitement. I could really feel the protaganist's passion. Orion was a good villain because he was so evil and didn't really have any mercy. I thought the sword fight was described well and it was exciting. Even though the end was sad, it was fine because not all stories can have a happy ending. I thought your use of adjectives was fantastic and it was well-written.

The only thing that I had trouble with was the lack of info. I was just kind of thrown into an action scene. It would have been nice to know why Orion wanted to kill Kyren. Was Kyren just unconscious or dead? Maybe you could have explained Kyren's relationship with the girl a little better. I'm assuming they are lovers but there wasn't too much of an indication.

When it comes down to it I liked it. It was a really exciting and dramatic action scene.

Hey muse! Welcome to YWS! ^_^

I gave her a look of death, hoping she understood that I was possessed by my hate; and love.

This semi-colon is incorrect. Semi-colons are used as a sort of "and", in a sense, so this is some what like "and and" - a dash is what you're looking for.

He lunged, but I was swifter than he, he recovered immediately and swiped at my stomach

This is a run-on sentence. You can either seperate it into two sentences, or use a semi-colon between the two hes. Oh, and "swifter than him"

So, this is basically plopping us right down into an action scene. There's no explanation of whats going on, so... if there is no more than this, then you need to give the characters detailed "entrances" where the reader can sort of be introduced to the char and get an idea of who they are in some small way, and also there needs to be setting description.

"Touch him and die.” I snarled, raising my sword. Mira frowned. Orion laughed heartlessly.

This is really off as an intro, because in one sentences you introduce briefly three characters who we know absolutely nothing about. Since we don't know who these people are, it's like a name-fest. It's better to not lump a lot of names suddenly on the reader. I'm bad with names and matching them to actions.

The readers also need to have some sort of concept of plot amidst all this. We need a Who, What, Where, When, How type of thing here.

This is still good though, putting the rest of it aside. There is a lot emotion, and the action seems like it would exciting - if I had any clue what was going on.

PM me if you have any questions! I hope you post more of this - with explanations and all.

~ Clo

Thanks for the advice, guys

it doesn't really have a story to it yet
I'll revise it when I'm fully conscious...

I enjoyed every second! You described the sword fight amazingly. I tend to have trouble phrasing one-on-one battles, but you make it look easy. There were a few places where I thought you might could have phrased things a bit better throughout the rest of the piece, but other that that I thought it was wonderful. I would love to hear the rest of the story, so keep up the good work. Hey, but did you really have to leave me on a cliff hanger???

This story is really good! The emotion in it is really powerful and very descriptive.

Tiny nitpick:

"so be it" is repeated twice, it's not that noticable but everyone's already summed everything else up!

Also tell us what is happening to Kyren at this point. Is he helping your heroine? If he can't say why or give some detail into what's he's doing. You don't need to explain why he's there or how he got there but if you want to leave the readers on a cliff-hanger than the best way is to focus on the present.

cool. i really like. I hope eventually you incorperate this into some bigger story.
As was already said I liked the emotion. And the sword fight was brilliant. It made it seem so action-packed.

Hey, I remember this! Awesome sauce!
You wrote it in math last year! I don't remember it being nearly so cool...
Well Ange, your readers are clearly DYING to know the story behind the fight, so come on! Write something already!

Great Story! Sorry that I have no review for you, if you want me to do an extensive review PM me. I just couldn't bypass this story after I read it. Just letting you know I thought it was AWESOME! Pm me if you get any more stories out. I know you mainly do poetry and thats just as good. Keep writing and good luck!

listeningforthemuse wrote:“Touch him and die.” I snarled, raising my sword. Mira frowned.combine these sentences and it will flow better Orion laughed heartlessly.
“And who are you to stand in our way?”
I turned to him, answering with the edge of my blade. His face hardened, but otherwise he made no movement.
“Leave.” I ordered, my voice shaking with fury. I didn’t care; my life meant nothing to me anymore. They could slit my throat here and now, but so long as I saved him, I didn’t care.
Mira hesitated, stepping back.
“Orion, we don’t need him. We’ve already taken enough.”
“Shut up, Mira!” snapped Orion, drawing his sword.
“I’ll not be stopped by a mere girl.”
Mira looked uneasily toward Kyren’s body. I gave her a look of death, hoping she understood that I was possessed by my hate;this should be a comma, instead (or a dash) and love. Orion saw the exchange, and chuckled mirthlessly.
“There need be only one death tonight, girl.”
He was offering me a way out.
“Then it shall be yours,” I growled. He snickered. Maybe: I growled and he snickered.
“So be it.”
He lunged, but I was swifter than he, he recovered immediately and swiped at my stomach. I dodged the blow and attempted to slice his arm. He answered with his sword. We erupted into a flurry of sword clashes, blade against blade, life against life. I couldn’t win. He and I both knew it to be so. He was stronger, more experienced than I. Yet I fought. We twisted about the room, seeking advantage over each other as Mira cowered in the corner.
With each blow, with each block, I grew weaker. The weaker I grew, the greater his smile of triumph became.
Finally, my sword was knocked from my hand. I backed away, returning his gaze. He was going to kill me and take Kyren. So be it. I only hoped death was swift.
“Orion, please!” wailed Mira.
He silenced her with a look.
“Last words?” he spat mockingly. I said nothing, he knew what I wanted. To voice it would only be begging. I merely glared back at him in defiance.
He shrugged, and lifted his sword. Mira screamed as he plunged it into my chest.

Wow! This was great. I'm happy to finally see a piece where the MC isn't the one to survive. Looking forward to any more pieces! (I like your avie!)

~Ali

I really loved this story. The hook is great, and I think you can really get somewhere with it. Your battle scene was perfect, I've always had trouble with writing them myself, but I thought yours had the right amount of description to allow the reader to visualize what is happening without swamping them in minute details.
If there’s one thing I would change that no one else has mentioned it would be this sentence:

They could slit my throat here and now, but so long as I saved him, I didn’t care.

Rather than having that, I would put “They could slit my throat here and now, so long as I saved him, I didn’t care.”

I also really like this sympathetic character, Mira. She provides an interesting twist to the plot.
That you would seemingly kill your main character in the first section of your story is also great. I think you really have something with this and I can’t wait to keep reading!
By the way, very original names.

I enjoyed this story. The first sentence was a great attention grabber. Also, the description of the duel was also very interesting. If there is anymore to come I would like to read it.