Oh who am I kidding, I'm cw bound anyways. **puts on the boots**
"Because what I wanted was a revolution"
the sky is blue, woo-ohhh, we all want to change the world. Okay, so the Beatles were the champions of simplistic, formulaic pop, but as an opening line in a poem, I mean, you begin with a goddam conjunction it better be to sear my eyes out with the casually profound. Revolution is a mellowed word. Make it stark, stripped back, or use graphic imagery conversationally, one or the other. Do not, do not do not make this about mediocrity, I will stab you.
"of the senses, when I guess
half-way
is a success,"
And I haven't even gotten into the 'revolution of the senses', the senses? What an awful, awful pick up line that would be. I'm not even going to make a Marie Antoinette/maidenhead pun here. Rhyming guess and success, silly and out of the blue, but especially silly. Pay more attention to the underlying rhythm if you're going to mess with rhyme, or leave it be.
"I took his song and small body
and small talk as a sadness as the song
of less birds took a map of my heart, "
Arcane! All these first lines. That's allowed but my eyes are unseared with more gripping imagery, it's like photography, SOMETHING has to be in focus.
Okay, the 'small body/smalltalk" thing, fairly run of the mill play on words, but it does create some movement with the 'as a/as the' repetition. The best thing about this is 'the song of less birds', that I approve of. Less birds is genius and a little Andrew Bird like, and it makes the small work even though small is a piss weak adjective blipping in your piss weak verbs.
"(the ghost of a surface
resting on oil rigs) "
A cartoonish, but not entirely abominable image. Yay for parenthesis.
"...and asked
what is the key of loss?"
Key of loss. Key of loss? We've left the Beatles and moved on to Leonard Cohen, or something. Of all the breadth and depth of musical/tactile musical imagery, why key? Why not at least snap out some modes with some classical allusions. Crap!
"A face
erased?"
-Lame. Buy some charcoal.
"...absence so porous
only a woman can inhabit?"
good conceptually, cumbersome phrasing. I would play with inhibited/inhabited.
"a sun far away
and small?"
use small again, I break your thumbs, you barely got by with it the first time.
"the water in a jug evaporated?"
I want an evaporated jug. I would keep it in a balloon.
"The face I make in the mirror despite all weight
to prove, to the contrary, I'm happy?"
If you're going to use mirror imagery, you'd better read some Plath and get some balls. This is a luke warm ending, find a more striking revelation for this revolution.
All in all, I give this an adjective, an "you don't even need me to tell you this is crap and solipsistic, so why do you ask?" look...and a pony.
