Greyhound

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Read this for context: http://www.welt.de/english-news/arti227 ... anada.html

----

The darkness here is stifling.
It fills my nostrils like ash and smoke from funeral pyres or crematoriums, like the smell of burning hair, lingering in the air along with the sound of my fingers scraping the walls and the bell-toll peals of my screams.
By now, after clawing at the stone, my fingers have been worn down to bloody crayon stumps.
And my screams are churchyard things.
They are like submarine pings, echo-locating off of tombstones and mourners with faces as stony has granite angels carved into cemetery obelisks.
The darkness here hugs me very tightly. I am like a child cradled tightly in the arms of mother killed by a bombing run.

*

Those mourners, the ones with angel faces, are here with me in the darkness.
They have always been here.

*

Masks are the only things that flatter my face. Smiles are the only things that can cover up what is really inside. I feel like a funeral hearse with a crumpled fender and windows that are decorated by a million crows-feet cracks (that look like the wrinkles that appear in the corners of an old man's eyes when he smiles), hiding underneath a Ferrari car cover.
People don't know who I really am.
Not until now anyway.
Underneath, I'm sure the Mona Lisa was a rotten person, too.
She smiles just like me.

*

Now – now that the funeral hearse has been revealed – my soul feels all bundled up. It feels like a black man being lynched in the deep south from a sycamore tree, swinging with piñata grace.
Covered up by all that papier-mâché, my soul holds onto it's last few pieces of sanity: lollipops and tootsie rolls that the lawyers and judges are trying to beat out of me with sticks and blindfolds.
I just swing there.
Sticks and stones, right?

*

Everything breaks eventually. It's scientifically proven. Men and women with their eyes pressed up against a telescope eyepiece have been telling us that the universe is falling apart a little every second. That the walls which keep it stable are crumbling like Jericho when Israel marched seven times around it, their cheeks puffed up like air bags as they blew on trumpets.
They call the degeneration of the universe entropy.
(When Louis Armstrong played the trumpet he was taking a sledgehammer to racial segregation.
His cheeks all puffed up looked like the bald, coffee-colored heads of slave children as their spines were bent under the weight of the sun on plantation cotton fields.)

*

My sledgehammer is a bowie knife.

*

A judge asks me, “Are you aware of the seriousness of your crime?”
I don't say anything.
I can't.
My throat feels like a London sewer pipe, clogged up with words and hopes and regrets. My lungs are suffering from pneumonia. Not in the traditional sense, though. They're not full of phlegm and water and bacteria. They're full of blood and mouthwash.
The blood of the man on the bus.
And the mouthwash I used to clean the taste of his flesh from out of my mouth.
In answer to the question: a nod.

*

Something I've discovered: every single one of us, whether we chose to accept it or not, are crazy. We all belong on couches in the offices of psychologists. We all belong in padded cells or in nursing homes playing chess with caretakers wearing clothing as white and as pure as newly folded paper cranes.
A straitjacket is the only answer the world's problems.
The only thing that makes us unique, is our level of insanity.
Once we come to terms with this, peace will follow.

*

The witness stand is cold.
The chair is full of silent confessions and when I shift inside of it the legs squeak, a sound like mice with their hands on the bible swearing to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.
People look at me with disgust.
Their faces hold the expressions of children watching freakshow contortionists screw their limbs up into granny-knots.
The lawyers stand by their tables like scarecrows.
And the ravens of hate and misunderstanding land on their shoulders.
These ravens are throat cancer patients with cigarettes dangling from their lips trying to sing opera. Their caws make the same sounds as scratched-up turn-table records scarred by diamond needles.
The same sound as Elvis with piccolo holes in his wind-pipe.
Their caws make the reporters and the judge and the jury hate me.

*

If there was a stake in this courtroom, they would tie me to it with silky words, baptize me with gasoline and set fire to my feet.
But instead of a witch burning, people have come to see the Canadian legal system at work.
Edison knew exactly what he was doing when he invented the electric chair.

*

The highway makes vacuum grumbles as the bus kneads it's shoulders and hums the passengers to sleep. For Li the air is heavy. It is obese with tension.
This oxygen-cellulose cocktail – fat liposuctioned from Buddha's nipples – vibrates like water mattresses in eight point-oh earthquakes.
Li's chest is being crushed.
His ribs are turning into wishbones.
He is completely aware that the man sitting next to him is the one he will kill. It is an impersonal awareness. The man sitting next to him is nothing more than a light bulb with a filament strung up between to wires like Christ's arms on the cross. It is Li's responsibility to turn it off. There is too much light in the compartment.
Li wants to rest.
He wants to sleep.
And the man sitting next to him is glowing like little Japanese men wandering around the rubble of Hiroshima at night.


*

My crimes are being read out loud for me in court.
The gasps that slip from the mouths of the spectators are like the breaths taken by a newborn infant choking on it's own tears. They are bassinet sounds. They are the sounds of a roomful of puritans who have just been shown a pornographic film reel.
I am feeling a strange combination of emotions.
My throat is still clotted. It's as if my voicebox has declared independence and seceded from my brain. I feel the need to justify myself, but I also feel overwhelming guilt. I feel like a god. And at the same time, like laboratory rat with a needle full of chemicals gnawing at my blood vessels.
It is a strange kind of rapture.
The light sawing through my darkness is refracted through stained-glass, it seems.
Suddenly I say, “Please kill me.”

*

Because I don't deserve to be here, on earth.

*

Behind them, the lights of the nearest city wink out like eyes being poked out of urban skulls by lances of darkness. The bus is traveling down a hallway of trees; ancient, sighing pines whose limbs are held out feebly, groping for a little sunlight, begging like a thousand Oliver Twists with outstretched hands. They nod at Li, too.
Silent children watching him.
Waiting for him to act.
He feels as if frigid hands are performing CPR on his gut. Droplets of rain cry down the windows that also reflects his face. As he reaches for the knife in the backpack between his feet, Li decides that the face in the window is a noble one.
Pixels like gnats clustered around campfire lanterns will not do it justice.
Beside him, his seat-mate closes his eyes.
Li imagines what a person really looks like on the inside. He wonders if intestines strung out will look like Christmas lights and if kidneys will seethe like live coals. And the heart. The heart will smile with solar warmth. It will look like the sun; a lit cigarette tip cupped against the wind by the hand of the universe.
There will be a lot of light to extinguish underneath all that skin, he decides.


*

People are monsters. It's as simple as that. We are a disease that the earth – the cosmos – need to be inoculated from. We are plague rats reproducing at astronomical rates, poisoning the water and the land and the air like oil from the gut of another Exxon-Valdez. Termites, burrowing through everything that is good and right, making twisted moth-holes in mother nature's wardrobe.
I consider myself an exorcist of sorts.
I am here with a cross and a cowl and whispered Hail Marys.

*

Don't you see?

*

He stabs the man sitting next to him with as little emotion as possible. He is not here for thrills or satisfaction or revenge. He is here because honor and duty.
The man's mouth drops open like the stomach doors of a stealth bomber over Afghanistan and a thousand gasps fall to the floor. Li stabs him again. And again. The blood that comes out of his chest and soaks his shirt is like the juice on the apron of an Italian chef making tomato sauce. There is a lot of it. It is oily and slippery, like the floor of a slaughterhouse. The man struggles, he reaches out and paws at Li's face weakly, but all his energy – all his light – is dribbling down his torso.
Around him, the passengers of the bus are screaming.
Their voices are concert halls full of out-of-tune violins.
The bus is stopped now and people flow from the seats and through the doors and gather around it like a family watching their house burn to the ground.
It's just Li and the man sitting next to him.
The people outside of the bus look as if they'd like a show.


*

The darkness here fills my nostrils and congests my breathing. There are voices with me, too. They sing sometimes. They hum like choirs of Himalayan monks, but croaking and cracking with dissonance. A sound that might come from the throat of a stone angel carved into a headstone.
It turns out that the voices belong to the mourners in rain-washed trenchcoats standing around me like trees loitering around interstate highways with their hands outstretched.
I wish I could see their faces.
I wish I had a flashlight.
Or a candle.
Or a match.

*

But all the light here is gone.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Wow. Wow, wow, wow. W-O-W. That was a very interesting piece. It would be kind of interesting to know just how you got your idea for this story. This odd glimpse inside the mind of someone who modern society thinks is beyond insane is very good. You have good description, and not just when you're describing surroundings. The way you described his point of view, and his thought process, gave me the heebie jeebies. Matter of fact, this whole work did. But that's only because I'm a sheltered little boy who's not used to the scary people in the world. But to get serious, I can't find a whole lot that is wrong with this. The only thing I was confused about was his motivation. The way I understood this, he started out with his plan because he considers humanity a disease that needs to be cured. If that is so, what does he use to justify not killing himself, since he is also human? But that is minor, and in my opinion does nothing to harm the story as a whole. Very good.

*gold star*
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Hey! Kylan, I have to tell you something. I can't do it any longer. I'm not supposed to read this until the contest is over, but it just looks so good. I've been restraining myself ever since you entered my contest... but I fail at life, so I'm reading this.

Underneath, I'm sure the Mona Lisa was a rotten person, too.
She smiles just like me.


Oh my gosh, that was an amazing line!!!

the universe is falling apart a little every second.


I don't like the bolded part. Makes everything seem... less important. It gives it more 'oomph' if you take it out.

The only thing that makes us unique, is our level of insanity.


Ditch that comma.

bible swearing to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.


Capitalize Bible. It's a name of a book.

*shivers*

That was insanely gross. I loved it. It made me shiver at the end, as everything started to come together. I really don't know what to critique here. My favorite parts where the flashbacks, or whatever you want to call them. Where Li kills the man. That was so nasty, and I loved every second of it.

You know how I usually say you use too many metaphors? You don't. I think you use the right amount, and plus, it adds this a-mazing feeling to the prose. Well done, Kylan.

-Jared

Thank for entering my contest.
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Wow. This is my first review and i feel very lucky to have stumbled across your story, if a little disturbed.

Seriously, though, the darkness and atmosphere you manage to conjure and sustain is incredible. I love the free structure and how it felt almost like your piece was arranged in verses. I love how it gives impact to the things you say, the points you want to make. This is the kind of thing my English teacher would tell me off for - fight the power! I also admire how smoothly you managed to move between the present and the past. When I try to do this, I often lose the overall thread of the story. Impressive work from you.

The figures of speech you use are totally memorable. Very original. BUT, if I had to make one piece of constructive criticism, I would say that you use too many of these devices. It made the piece slightly repetitive at points and took away from the impact of each individual piece of imagery. I felt a bit like I was being bombarded with disturbing pictures. Still, the phrases are so powerful. You had better be keeping note of all these punchlines so you can work them into each new story - you obviously have a rare gift for shocking people with them.

I am completely impressed.




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Reviewing stories is hard shit. I don't want to sound too harsh, but it seems useless to just give praise to a story like it's been written by our generation's Frank Kafka. There's been times when I read a story and loved it and want to make it better, and it's like I hated the thing. There's other times when I like a story, but not have much to say about it other than my regular stuff and it's like I'm making no difference to it at all. Point being: I'll talk about your story, mention a few things, but in the end, I will only give you funny little comments and comparisons to Cormac McCarthy. I doubt it'll help you make your story better. Whatever, though.

Let's go.

It's a crime that this thing has only three reviews. Sometimes I think this site's like a popularity contest. It's not like this is a long story. It's not like it's hard to read. It was posted twelve days ago. I don't care much for fantasy and science fiction and adventure, most of the times it's pretty bad. I'd much rather look for stories like this. Not just sick twisted serial muderer ones but cute romance too, police procedurals, just anything that portrays characters as real people and not archetypes or things out of a bad summer movie. Your characterization here is excellent. The long sentences, similes that seem neverending, connections between things that shouldn't even exist together, are great and really let you get inside the mind of this guy. And it's certainly the kind of piece that you can praise the shit out, you know? That's what bothers me the most. People should be flooding this with positive comments, you should've gotten Sam telling you how much she loves you, JFW wishing she gave you fifty stars instead of just one. Instead, you got me.

OK, look, there's basically two gigantic problems with this thing: the flashbacks. That is, the third person narration of him killing the guy in the bus. First, because the narration is too similar to the first-person narration, which makes it seem like it's the same guy talking, throwing the reader off. But yeah, we're smart, we get it fairly quick, but that's when the second problem kicks in: it's easy to write first-person narration with that unfocused voice, those really, really, really long similes and metaphors, but when you're trying to get action out, it doesn't flow as well. Also: why do you brand these? With the first paragraphs always in itallics? Don't. But anyhow, that's not the main reason it doesn't work. I find this guy scarier not being sure of what he did. I find it scarier to think that he could've killed one person or a thousand people. I find it scarier to think he could be just fantasizing about all of this. You were inspired by that crime and that's fine, but you don't have to feel obligated to put it there. It would be left better with more vague references by the first-person narrator or just no reference to what he did at all. What I'm saying is not to break the narration, switch voices. We're living inside this guy's head and liking it. Interruptions are not appreciated.

Random Thought #343: All of my serial killers (I have about three) always seem to have something to do with the sex thing. One masturbated watching his name in the television. None of them have had that John Doe from Seven's Holy Reckonning motivations yours has because killers, to me, more than anything, are selfish assholes. A selfish asshole doesn't care about people polluting the planet or humans being the scum of the cosmos. They just care about shiving that girl and humping the wound.

Like I said, this is a easy piece to go crazy for. It's fantastic. So when you're done with it, you feel like just writing "Whoa" five hundred times over. But... you know what your long sentences remind me of? Cormac McCarthy. He also likes to go for the long metaphors, really bizarre similes that turn out to be perfect. It's hard to write like that. I can't. I tell stories like a fucking telegraph. My sentences are short, quick, I try to win people over with dialogue and character (rarely do), but you write sentences like punches. I wish I could write descriptions like you do. And it's surprising for how long you make it work, really, you're great, but you're still no McCarthy.

So here are some sentences that I felt like scrubbing off my screen:

"It fills my nostrils like ash and smoke from funeral pyres or crematoriums, like the smell of burning hair, lingering in the air along with the sound of my fingers scraping the walls and the bell-toll peals of my screams."

It's the first one we get, but I think it's the worst one. First of all, you gotta keep the flow of the sentence, and something like "or crematoriums" breaks it. You should end the sentence with the burning hair. Then, on another one, talk about the noises. It's just too convulted in one sentence. You've definately got a voice a reader can dive into, but sometimes you lose it.

"This oxygen-cellulose cocktail – fat liposuctioned from Buddha's nipples – vibrates like water mattresses in eight point-oh earthquakes."

I've already told you about these flashbacks, but I hate this sentence in particular. With the type of narrator you're using you're in danger of sounding pretentious, like the kind of stories you read and find that, even if the sentences are long and with a lot of fancy words and clever imagery, it's all empty inside, nonsensical and boring. Your story is none of those things. But this kind of sentence, it just doesn't work. Doesn't make any sort of sense.

"People are monsters. It's as simple as that. We are a disease that the earth – the cosmos – need to be inoculated from. We are plague rats reproducing at astronomical rates, poisoning the water and the land and the air like oil from the gut of another Exxon-Valdez. Termites, burrowing through everything that is good and right, making twisted moth-holes in mother nature's wardrobe."

I'm struggling with this one, because there's nothing really wrong with it. I'm just trying to figure out if it's a good thing he's preaching to us. I mean, yeah, murderers try to explain themselves sometimes, but this here seems rather out of a junior year psychology class. I mean, it's fine, and it works, and I like it, but it feels like I've heard it all before. At least Seven had that cool ending to it, you know, after hearing Kevin Spacey's babbling.

I was going to do more, but I'm lazy. Look, I'm never much help. Sometimes people tell me my crits are great, but I don't see it. I feel like I'm typing up a terrible train wreck every time. And I'm never too keen on giving anyone too much praise. I'm never sure if I actually like it, or just like it better than the rest of the bad stories I've read here. Nontheless, this is exceptional, you should shop it around the Will Crit For Food forum, and get hailed as one of the best writers in the site. Really. This was awesome. Keep writing!

Random Thought #596: "Whoa" a hundred times over.
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine




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Haha, I love you Icaruss, you know that? Probably not.

Anyway, to Kylan's story.

I'm going to go ahead and agree with him that it's a crime this piece has so few reviews. I'll also back up all his other thoughts, regarding the deletions of those phrases. He was spot on there.

For me, this piece went on too long. I don't mean in that in the sense that the length is too much, only that after a certain point its said everything that needs to be said, but for some reason continues, rather repetitively.


It should have ended here:

My throat is still clotted. It's as if my voicebox has declared independence and seceded from my brain. I feel the need to justify myself, but I also feel overwhelming guilt. I feel like a god. And at the same time, like laboratory rat with a needle full of chemicals gnawing at my blood vessels.

It is a strange kind of rapture.


If it ended there, I would say '"Fucking A. This was brilliant - one of the best I've read on YWS" - unfortunately it continued. It's very well written - there are two or three typos you can pick out and eliminate - and very well characterised. You have a wonderful amount of talent and this is a great piece.

But then, that's just my opinion.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko



The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
— Fabienne Fredrickson