Mysteries (chapter one)

This is my first story so please read it and critic

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"DANIEL ROWERT"

I jumped as I heard my name being shouted.I had been so absorbed in a book that I had quite forgotten my surroundings.I peered over the book to see my sister glaring at me.

"What?" I asked unconcernedly

"Do you know what the time is?" She asked angrily

"Yes,It's half past seven.why?" I asked wondering why Kitrina was really angry.

"WHY?Sera's party starts in 15 minutes,in uncle Verone's house." Shouted Kitrina"And you're
not even ready yet"

Of course,how could I forget? Even with Kitrina,my mum and dad reminding me of it every hour.

Sera is my second sister.She is twelve years old while Kitrina is elevan years old.I'm fourteen
years old and the responsibility of taking care of my sister had bestowed upon me as both of our
parents did jobs.

One of my uncle's is holding the party for Sera as she had passed a difficult test last
week.

I jumped up from the couch and ran to my room.

"Now, he remembers" muttered Kitrina

I looked at the mirrors which reflected my blue eyes.I combed my brown hair and wore my
best clothes.

To tell you the truth I wasn't that much interested in the party.But my parents had threatened
to lock me in my room if I didn't go.

After both of us had gotten ready we went to the driveway to take our usual taxi.(our parents
were already at the party)

After a few uneventful minutes in the taxi,we were at the party.

I paid the driver as Kitrina ran into the house.

Loud rock n' roll music clawed its way in to my eardrums making them throb as I followed my
my sister into the party.

As I expected the party was lame.A few of my uncle,aunts and cousins were there.Mostly there
were little kids and friends of Sera.Throughout the party all I was thinking of was whether
I would die of boredom when at last the party ended at ten in the night.

I was happy to drag both of my sisters out of the party.

"Hey, I want to say goodbye to my friends!" whinned Sera looking beesechingly at me out of her green eyes.

"I need to take you two home before you fall asleep" I joked

"Ha ha" both of them said sarcastically

We waited until our taxi came as our parents were staying at the party for a while to talk with the others.

But when the taxi came, we noticed that it wasn't the regular driver we know.

"Where is the other driver?" I asked the driver as we got into the taxi

"He took the day off" grunted the driver"Where to?"

"6106, Darson street" I answered

The next few minutes passed in silence.Kitrina fell asleep after a half an hour.

I was about to wake her when the driver pulled the taxi into a completly different road.

"Hey,that's not the way to our house!" I suddenly said

"It's a short cut I know" growled the driver

Soon,we were going through a dense forest.

The driver led the car into the heart of the forest and stopped.

He turned right around his seat and pointed a gun at my forehead.

"Get out, go on, get out of my car before I shoot you" the driver said

"But my brother asked you to take us to our home not to a forest!" cried Sera tears flowing
down her cheeks.

The driver cocked the gun.

"Are you going to get out or do I have to shoot you?" he asked

We got out of the car before the man could shoot us.

As soon as we got out the driver drove the taxi away dissappearing in(to the) dense forest.

"What do we do now?" asked Kitrina half-scared, half-angry

I walked a little away staring in every direction.I looked around, my eyes adjusting to the light of the forest. Large trees of different size grew around me. The forest seemed too silent,making it seem too dense. I could hear my sisters' heart beats.

"I guess we'll have to find our way out of this" I answered"Come on you two"

I turned to look at them, but they were gone.

Disappeared!!

"DANIEL ROWERT"

I jumped as I heard my name (Being shouted).I had been so absorbed in a book that I had quite forgotten
my surroundings.I peered over the book to see my sister glaring at me.

"What?"I asked unconcernedly

"Do you know what the time is?"She asked angrily

"Yes,It's half past seven.why?"I asked wondering why Kitrina was really menancing (what do you mean by this)

"WHY?Sera's party starts in 15 minutes,in uncle Verone's house."Shouted Kitrina"And you're
not even ready yet"

Of course,how could I forget?Even with Kitrina,my mum and dad reminding me of it every hour.

Sera is my second sister.She is twelve years old while Kitrina is elevan (Eleven) years old.I'm fourteen
years old and the responsibility of taking care of my sister had (been bestowed) fallen to me as both of our
parents did jobs.

One of my uncle's is holding the party for Sera as she had passed a difficult test last
week.

I jumped up from the couch and ran to my room.

"Now,he remembers"muttered Kitrina

I looked at the mirrors which reflected my blue eyes.I combed my brown hair and wore my
best clothes.

To tell you the truth I wasn't that much interested in the party.But my parents had threatned(Threatened)
me(Cut the first me) to lock me in my room if I didn't go.

After both of us had gotten ready we went to the driveway to take our usual taxi.(our parents
were already at the party)

After a few uneventful minutes in the taxi,we were at the party.

I paid the driver as Kitrina ran into the house.

Loud rock n' roll music clawed its way in to my eardrums making them throb as I followed my
my sister into the party.

As I expected the party was lame.A few of my uncle,aunts and cousins were there.Mostly there
were little kids and friends of Sera.Throughout the party all I was thinking of was whether I would die of boredom when at last the party ended at ten (In the night) PM.

I was happy to drag both of my sisters out of the party.

"Hey,I want to say goodbye to my friends!"whinned (Whined) Sera looking beesechingly (Beseechingly) at me out of her green eyes.

"I need to take you two home before you fall asleep"I joked

"Ha ha"both of them said sarcasticly (Sarcastically)

We waited until our taxi came as our parents were staying for a while to talk with the others.

But when the taxi came,(We noticed that the man driving it was not our regular driver) it wasn't the regular driver we know.

"Where is the other driver?"I asked the driver as we got into the taxi

"He took the day off"grunted the driver"Where to?"

"6106,Darson street"I answered

The next few minutes passed in silence.

I was about to wake Kitrina (Wake her?? You didn't mention her falling asleep) when the driver pulled the taxi into a completly (Completely) different road.

"Hey,that's not the way to our house!"I suddenly said

"Shut up,it's a short cut I know"growled the driver

Soon,we were going through a dense forest.

The driver led the car into the heart of the forest and stopped.

He turned right around his seat and pointed a gun at my forehead.

"Get out,go on,get out of my car before I shoot you"the driver said

"But my brother asked you to take us to our home not to a forest!"cryed(Cried) Sera tears flowing
down her cheeks.

The driver cocked the gun.

"Are you going to get out or do I have to shoot you?"he asked

We got out of the car before the man could shoot us.

As soon as we got out the driver drove the taxi away dissappearing(spellings) in(to the) dense forest.

"What do we do now?"asked Kitrina half-scared,half-angry

I walked a little away staring in every direction.I looked around, my eyes adjusting to the light of the forest. Large trees of different size grew around me. The forest seemed too silent,making it seem too dense. I could hear my sisters' heart beats.

"I guess we'll have to find our way out of this"I answered"Come on you two"

I turned to look at them,but they were gone.

Dissappeared!! (Spellings)


Please before You submit any of your work spell check it first.
Other than that the story was good but a little more detail would do nicely.

It's a good start. One thing that makes it easier to read is spacing. After somebody says something, or after a comma or period, you have a space.

Example: "What?"I asked unconcernedly (what you wrote)
"What?" I asked unconcernedly (what you should write)

That has nothing to do with your writing talent, it just makes it easier for people to read.

The story itself was pretty good. A bit more description would help. But other than that and some spelling mistakes, it was pretty good.

Well it has a nice feel to it and it also has that "something" that makes people read books in the first place.

But compliments aside, it is true you should really put a space between the punctuation mark and the next word. And then there is the spelling you should work on that (so should I as well).

If we now leave aside the grammar of your text and move on to the story itself.

The story has that horror-fiction-fantasy combination thing going on. I still do really hope that you will write the reason why all of this happened at some point of the book.

Well that's all I have to say, it was good anyways

[quote="Chirantha"]This is my first story so please read it and critic

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"DANIEL ROWERT" This should be , "Daniel Rowert!" because you don't need capitals if you're going to put an exclamation mark.

I jumped as I heard my name being shouted. I had been so absorbed in a book that I had quite forgotten my surroundings.I peered over the book to see my sister glaring at me.

"What?" I asked unconcernedly .

"Do you know what the time is?" She asked angrily This should be, "Do you know what the time is?", she asked angrily.

"Yes,It's half past seven.why?" I asked wondering why Kitrina was really angry.Yes, it's half past seven. Why?" I asked, wondering why Kitrina was so angry

just look through the rest of it for similar mistakes, most of the other critiquers have mentioned them.
Thanks for the review, by the way, you can find the next chapters as well if you want.

Keep writing, you have a nice style and it's entertaining and enjoyable.

--Sarah

"What?" I asked unconcernedly

I would say “indifferently”, unconcernedly sounds a little weird

I jumped as I heard my name being shouted.I had been so absorbed in a book that I had quite forgotten my surroundings.I peered over the book to see my sister glaring at me.

Two spaces after periods. Also, you start three sentences in a row with “I”. Try to switch it up, like “peering over my book, I saw my sister glaring at me.”

“Yes,It's half past seven.why?" I asked wondering why Kitrina was really angry.

Spaces! And after asked, there should be a comma.

"WHY?Sera's party starts in 15 minutes,in uncle Verone's house." Shouted Kitrina"And you're
not even ready yet"

This will be the last time I say it, but remember that button called a spacebar, and there is nothing at the and of yet. However, so far I like it a lot.

Of course,how could I forget? Even with Kitrina,my mum and dad reminding me of it every hour.

“Even with Kitrina, mum, and dad reminding me every hour.”

I’ve got to go, but great story so far, I’ll check back later.

Please don't take my crits to harshly. It is here to help you.

Okay grammar....
You need to put spaces inbetween your punctition. please. I didn't see any spelling mistakes but I don't really look.

Okay you need more detail, what do the surroundings look like.

Also you do a lot of telling and not enough showing. Example:
Telling: She had long hair.
Showing: Her dark brown hair swung below her waist.

Okay you also have the same sentance structured through out the whole story. I did this... she did that... blah blah blah. Rearrange your sentances more.

You need to develop the MC and other characters more. As of right know the only thing we know about the MC is that he is fourteen and had two sisters.

Other than this I like the story line. It had great potential. Well good luck and keep writing.