A Leap through Time

I managed to come up with this while away on riding camp. Read and enjoy ( I hope)

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A Leap through Time

Coffee-tinted patches splay
across the horse's milky
body. Snowy strands weave
between the black threads
of its mane. A glassy eye
glares as you dare enter
his domain, his stall.
The welcome is less than warm
ears flatten dangerously
along his graceful head.

The world seems wilder
up from this vantage point
of the deep, comfortable saddle.
Closer to what's natural.
Urge him forward, faster
and enjoy the ride.

Legs clamped tightly
against his sides, his stride
lengthens, breaks into a canter.
Limbs stretched out, nostrils flared
as he picks up speed. Quicker
and swifter, constant acceleration
to reach the velocity of freedom.

And there it stands
growing by the second,
more menacing with every leap.
The jump rises up at you;
time to straighten your mount.
The canter turns to a rhythmic
pounding of hooves.

Muscles tense, bunched together
as the flow of the run is replaced
with flight. A perfect take-off
the neck before you bends
in an arch of grace. Give him
the reins, let him fly and carry
you through the air, safely
to the other side. Softly,
he lands, so you barely feel
the hooves touch ground.

A grin visits your features
as he continues to race
with the wind. The moment
you spend eluding gravity
is perfect; nothing else exists,
nothing, but your leap through time.

A Leap through Time

Coffee-tinted patches splay

across the horse's milky

body. Snowy strands weave

between the black threads

of its mane. A glassy eye

glares as you dare enter

his domain, his stall.

The welcome is less than warm

ears flatten dangerously

along his graceful head.

You have some great imagery in this stanza, I love how you describe the horse and how the rider is cautious to go near him/her. However when you say 'his stall' after the comma, I think that you don't need it and it sounds better without it, just keep it 'His domain' that's it.

The world seems wilder

up from this vantage point

of the deep, comfortable saddle.

Closer to what's natural.

Urge him forward, faster

and enjoy the ride.

I didn't like this stanza as much as the last, In the first sentence you say 'The world seems wilder' which I suppose is OK but it dosn't flow with the rest. Maybe you can say 'The world changes color'
'Up from this vantage point' is fine but the following sentence 'Of the deep, comfortable saddle' just dosn't sound right. Maybe you could say ' Inside the deep, comfortable saddle' and it would sound much better. I think you should have the stanza looking like this:

The world changes color,
Up from this vantage point
Inside the deep, comfortable saddle
Closer to what's natural.
Urge him forward
and enjoy the ride.

Legs clamped tightly

against his sides, his stride

lengthens, breaks into a canter.

Limbs stretched out, nostrils flared

as he picks up speed. Quicker

and swifter, constant acceleration

to reach the velocity of freedom.

Great imagery! But I don't like the last line 'to reach the velocity of freedom'
I get what your trying to say but Maybe you could word it differently, like this :

'To reach the speed of freedom.'

Velocity is the constant motion in one direction, which is sometimes confused with speed, Velocity is the wrong word choice here and plus, Speed just sounds better anyway!

And there it stands

growing by the second,

more menacing with every leap.

The jump rises up at you;

time to straighten your mount.

The canter turns to a rhythmic

pounding of hooves.

WHOA WHOA WHOA, wait a minute, in the first line it says ' And there it stands' Which has many things wrong to it. first you should never start with 'And' Also 'There it stands' What stands?

Other than That first line, the rest of it was great, you really portrayed how the rider feels and what the rider needs to do while the horse speeds up. Just promise me you'll FIX that first line.

Muscles tense, bunched together

as the flow of the run is replaced

with flight. A perfect take-off

the neck before you bends

in an arch of grace. Give him

the reins, let him fly and carry

you through the air, safely

to the other side. Softly,

he lands, so you barely feel

the hooves touch ground.

Pegasi Quill ! I absolutely Loved this stanza, it is so beautifully written, and the imagery, the imagery!
Oh *Falls in love*

Excellent

This is the most beautifully written stanza of the whole piece, i love it.

A grin visits your features

as he continues to race

with the wind. The moment

you spend eluding gravity

is perfect; nothing else exists,

nothing, but your leap through time.

Oh no! Pegasi quill, why, why did you write this right after the amazing stanza
This stanza makes me sad because of how the last stanza was so well written.

But don't fear because Wisemann is here!

The moment

you spend eluding gravity

is perfect; nothing else exists,

This line means that the horse is still flying, or gliding through the air because 'eluding gravity' means that you aren't touching the ground.
I thought The horse landed? so maybe you could say it like this:

The moment you spent
Eluding gravity was perfect
Nothing else existed
Except your leap through time


Now that would be a perfect ending to a good poem.

Please use it!

I give all of the things that i mentioned, to you, you can use them to substitute them into your poem

It is not plagerism if i give you the rights to use them!

This was a very good poem, and it could be great, Just use the ideas i gave to you

You don't have to though

Hope i helped
---Jon---

You know, this strikes me more as prose than poetry. It's very descriptive and well-written, but the lack of poetic techniques and rhythm lead me to seeing it more as prose.

pegasi_quill wrote:A Leap through Time

Coffee-tinted patches splay
across the horse's milky
body. Snowy strands weave
between the black threads
of its mane. A glassy eye
glares as you dare enter
his domain[s], his stall[/s]. - As wisemann120 said, it's not really necessary.
Ears flatten dangerously
along his graceful head.
The welcome is less than warm. - Think this goes better after 'ears'.

The world seems wilder
[s]up[/s] From [s]this[/s] the vantage point
of the deep, comfortable saddle.
Closer to what's natural.
Urge him forward, faster,
and enjoy the ride.

Legs clamped tightly
against his sides, his stride
lengthens, breaks into a canter.
Limbs stretched out, nostrils flared
as he picks up speed. Quicker
and [s]swifter[/s] quicker, constant acceleration
to reach the velocity of freedom. - Love!

- Wasn't sure about 'swifter' but on second thoughts it could work fine.

And there it stands, - In my opinion, 'And' is fine at the beginning - it's effective.
growing by the second,
more menacing with every leap.
The jump rises up at you;
time to straighten your mount.
The canter turns to a rhythmic
pounding of hooves.

Muscles tense, bunched together
as the flow of the run
is replaced with flight.
A perfect take-off. - Wasn't sure how to break up these lines, but I wanted this on its own. Of course, this wouldn't matter if it became prose.
The neck before you bends
in an arch of grace. Give him
the reins, let him fly and carry - Great.
you through the air, safely
to the other side. Softly,
he lands, so you barely feel
the hooves touch the ground. - I hear the 'the' in there. but that's just me.

A grin visits your features - Don't like 'visits', or 'grin' actually. 'Grin' seems too tame for the adrenaline rush she gets from making the jump. Maybe rephrase slightly?
as he continues to race
with the wind. The moment
you spend eluding gravity
is perfect; nothing else exists,
nothing, but your leap through time.

I'm sorry I don't have much to say! This was a solid piece, though I do think it's prose as opposed to poetry. I thought you described it amazingly well and your vocabulary was excellent.