A Troubled Heart

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Pronunciation and Character Description
Queen Celleonna (Sell-EE-oh-nah) Maria Thiery – Very beautiful; young (early twenties); flirtatious; slightly self-centered; not very good at thinking ahead; learns quickly; feels genuine concern and responsibility to fairies of Créonah (Kray-oh-nah); avoids hurting anyone’s feelings if at all possible; smooth black hair, blue eyes, dainty purple wings; long, slender fingers

Ambassador Kérta (Care-tah) – Quiet but bold; proper; reserved; comes from far away colony of Créa; strong; heroic; smooth, suave voice; midnight-black hair; rich, deep red wings; green eyes; disagreement with parents drove him to palace; protective of those he cares about; mid-twenties

The lady’s maid, Arin (R-in) – Mischievous; Celleonna’s best friend; wise in the affairs of the kingdom; afraid of heights; mouse-brown hair; timid; social to those she knows; small in size; green wings; brown eyes; mid-twenties

The retired Queen, Aurora (Ah-roar-ah) – Celleonna’s mother; level-headed; never furious; always supportive; knowledgeable; proper; great sense of humor; slender, older fairy; black hair streaked majestically with silver; purple eyes and wings

The retired King, Mastin (Mass-tin) – Celleonna’s father; short-fused; loud-spoken; fairy who speaks his mind often; thinks his word should still be law; large fairy past his prime; brown hair and mustache; brown eyes; redder complexion

The troll prince, Tonya (Tone-yah) – Prince of wood trolls; ugly; very vicious; unclean; used to getting what he want when he wants it; very big; green; pushy; cruel

Chapter 1: The Meeting
The moon was filtering through the trees down onto fairies adorned in beautiful, colorful gowns and suit, all created from leaves, flowers, and other colorful things of the forest. Fairies smiled at one another through their elegant butterfly-wing masks. They danced in a unique, intricate pattern, turning and twisting rhythmically with the soft music floating on the air.
The ancient trees that lined the clearing stretched high above the ground, half-covered in moss, spreading their leaf-covered arms high to the great sky, as if to praise it for giving them life. The branches were so thick and spread out, like a network of veins, that it created a protective canopy over the masquerade.
A large, dark, beautiful mahogany table lined one end of the clearing, laden down with lovely, colorful, sugary desserts and other foods. A few servers made their way back and forth to the table, carrying empty dishes or more plates of the wonderful food.
Suddenly, the music stopped. Everyone paused and turned to look at the doors of the mushroom palace. It was a beautiful, white building made of many mushrooms clustered together. It had a soft glow to it that never silenced, day or night. Great, sweeping stairs led from the huge, heavy doors to the grassy area below. But the sight at the door far surpassed the grand palace.
There stood the queen, solitary and beautiful, framed in the light of the doorway. Wearing the loveliest dress of all, it was composed of rich blues and dark purples. Her skirt was composed from the bell of a beautiful, rare blue flower, her top made of preserved purple autumn leaves. Her mask was made of the daintiest pair of butterfly wings; purple and blue swelled across them, complimenting her soft purple wings.
As she stepped forth from her palace, a handsome fairy stepped out from the crowd, bowing low to her as she curtsied in response, and took her arm. “You are looking lovely tonight, my queen,” the male fairy said in a suave, smooth tone.
“Why, thank you, Ambassador. And please, call me Celleonna,” the queen replied in a soft, beautiful voice.
“Only if you call me Kérta.”
The queen gave a quick, flattering smile as she replied, “Ambassador Kérta… I like it.”
As they came to an end in their conversation, they found themselves in the heart of the dancing group. When they reached their destination, they turned and bowed to one another, leading the large group in a twirling, flowing dance, talking and laughing to one another, rarely switching partners as the night deepened.
* * *
A few hours later, the ball had dissipated, few fairies remaining. Those who did relaxed on the palace steps, talking in large groups or individual couples. Among them, sitting high up and by themselves, sat Queen Celleonna and Ambassador Kérta.
“If you don’t mind my asking, how do you think tonight’s festivities went?” Celleonna asked quietly, clearly, looking thoughtfully at Kérta through her mask.
Kérta sat below her, looking out over the gentle clearing. He remained silent for a moment, a contemplative look in his eyes, before he responded, “I think it went quite well. You are a lovely dancer, my queen.” He turned to survey her, his eyes glinting, unreadable under his mysterious, black-winged mask.
Under his bold gaze, Celleonna turned a deep scarlet, becoming flustered. She forced her regal calm back in place as she reprimanded, “Surely you flatter me, Ambassador. I could not have had a better partner.”
“I’m sure you could have,” He replied bitterly, a slight quip detectable in his voice. He gazed across the front lawn, not really seeing it. Celleonna gazed at him curiously. He was a stranger here in the palace. He was staying in the nearby town. Surely he must have come from somewhere in the kingdom, for Celleonna knew of no other fairy lands except for what was under her dominion, but no one was quite sure where.
What had brought him here, a stranger in a strange land? His faint bitterness might be a clue. Was he considered worthless, careless, lazy, or something of the sort back where he was from? Surely this wasn’t the case; he was a new arrival here and yet already he was in high stature. On one of his first nights here he was dancing with the queen. Who had invited him anyway? That could be a clue too.
His accent would detect that he was from the far south of the kingdom, not far from the great body of water. Seeing that this was the only affirmative answer Celleonna could reach, she dismissed the thought for now, determined to dig deeper later. They resumed a light, superficial conversation, Celleonna quietly trying to draw more information from Kérta, Kérta silently and easily evading all of her hidden questions.
She grinned at this proof of intelligence. As the quiet battle of wits continued on, Celleonna though over this fairy’s virtues; he was intelligent, he had grace and finesse, and he seemed kind. Now what were his downfalls? She wasn’t blind; everyone had faults. She had to discover his.
What was she doing? She stopped herself, wondering why she was evaluating this fairy who was a stranger to her. Why? Why would she be evaluating this fairy as if she were deciding to live with him for life? Her mother had trained her to evaluate fairies like this so that she could correctly choose a spouse, but… she couldn’t seriously be considering this fairy for a husband, could she?!
“Are you still there, my queen?” Kérta teased, looking at her as if from a long distance away.
“Of course,” Celleonna said, trying to recall what Kérta had just told her. “And Ambassador, I believe I told you to call me Celleonna.”
“Of course, Celleonna. In return, I believe I asked you to call me Kérta.”
“Of course, Kérta.” She let the unfamiliar name roll pleasantly across her tongue. “So what…”
Kérta turned to look at her, trying to discern why she had stopped talking. He opened his mouth to ask her, but was immediately silenced as she held her hand up. “Do you smell something?” She asked in a shaky voice.
Kérta sat up a little straighter, turning his nose to the air as he faced the open clearing yet again. After only a few seconds, Kérta’s nose wrinkled in disgust as he replied, “Yes, actually, I do. Where could such a putrid smell becoming from?” He looked up at Celleonna, than started at her appearance.
Her face was completely drained of color, her eyes wide with fear. She opened her mouth, closed it and gave a little shake of her head, as if to shake herself back to her senses, and then, in a barely audible whisper, “Trolls.”
Kérta, continuing to stare up at her, cocked one eyebrow up and tilted his head a little to the right as he questioned, “What did you say?”
Celleonna stood quickly to her feet, completely livid as she screamed, “Trolls!”
The groups gathered on the stairs fell into a hush as everyone, including Kérta, stared at Celleonna, eyes slowly widening. She leapt into the air, flying above the heads of all as she yelled instructions. “Everyone, listen up! Trolls are approaching! Please head directly inside! Ambassador Kérta will escort you. The last one in must lock the door. I need to make sure everyone is safe!”
She began to fly away, but Kérta reached up and grabbed her arm, stopping her. He spoke calmly, contradicting the fear exposed in his eyes. He kept his voice low to avoid being overheard by the now-panicking fairies as he muttered, “My conscious will not allow me to stand idle when a defenseless lady is out here alone, my queen.”
Celleonna jerked her arm away and gestured to the other fairies, forcefully responding, “Just go! Hurry, take them inside!”
Kérta opened his mouth to object again but Celleonna had already flown towards the servants, who were scrambling to carry the beautiful trays of food into the palace. He quickly turned back to the crowd and ushered the screaming fairies into the Great Hall. He shut the door only after taking one long, nervous glance at Celleonna then bolted it. When Celleonna had pushed the last sever through the servant’s entrance, she listened carefully for the click of the heavy bolt and flew around the side of the building to be sure there was no one else left outside.
As she rounded the corner, a large, green, pimpled hand shot out of the darkness and grabbed her, pinning her against the wall. Celleonna squirmed against the hand and opened her mouth to scream. Before any sound could rise from her throat, another troll hand was clamped over her mouth. She bit into it, sending the owner of the hand howling in pain, and she spat, trying to get the taste of rancid eggs and moldy berries out of her mouth as all of the surrounding trolls laughed. The troll pinning her to the wall took a step closer, revealing an ugly, hideous face and a crude crown, giving off the impression of a crown often sat upon.
“Now now, my queen. Surely you’ve been taught better manners than that!” His voice was deep-throated and crude, much like the rest of him. At this jest, all of the trolls laughed again. Strengthened by this form of approval, the troll prince continued, “Eh, why wasn’t we invited to this little soirée? I thinks I deserve a dance with you!”
The hand pinning her against the wall moved around to her back and pinned her against the filthy, scantily-clad body of the troll prince and another hand come down and grabbed one of her hands, completely enveloping it. The troll prince then dragged Celleonna in a clumsy waltz. Celleonna, with her feet helplessly high above the ground and wings pinned to her back by the huge hand, could do nothing but squirm harder.
“Now come on, Honey, give me a kiss!” The troll prince pulled Celleonna a small distance from is body. His one hand completely encircled her tiny waste, his sand-paper skin ripping through the gentle fabrics of her dress. He puckered his grayish-green, big, ugly lips and leaned over towards him. Celleonna squirmed frantically until one of her arms were free, then slapped him as hard as she could. The troll prince, at the force drawn across his face, wheeled back, dropping Celleonna.
She hovered where she was dropped in a defiant stance, fists balled up and ready to punch, legs spread for balance, her eyes ablaze with the fires of hatred.
“You don’t own me, Tonya!” she spat. All of the trolls laughed as their prince went livid. Then, slowly, an evil, wicked smile spread across his lips.
“You’re right!” he said, throwing his hands up in a carefree way. “I don’t own you… yet.” With that, he snapped his fingers. Two of the biggest and dumbest trolls leapt out of the pack with the agility of tigers and grabbed each of Celleonna’s arms, pinning her back against the wall. After a futile attempt to kick them, they pinned her legs back too.
Tonya took a step forward and softly said, “Now, now, boys, be gentle. We don’t want to bruise the queen!” He ran a fat, sausage-like finger down her cheek. She turned to attempt to bite it as everyone laughed. “Oh, by the way,” he continued. “Have you told your precious little boyfriend about us?”
This time it was Celleonna’s turn to go livid. Then her face contorted with anger and she spat viciously at him. Then she whispered in a deadly voice, “There is no us, Tonya!”
The troll prince opened his mouth to reply just as a still quiet voice rang out in the quiet woods, calling out, “Celleonna! Where are you, Celleonna!?” All the trolls jumped with a start, then turned to scramble into the trees. The two trolls holding Celleonna dropped her to the ground and run into the forest. Tonya was the last one left and he turned back to Celleonna before he disappeared.
“I’ll be back later, my queen!” He followed it off by a deep-throated laugh and disappeared into the darkness of the trees. Celleonna stayed crouched on the ground, panting heavily for breath. Celleonna’s lady’s maid, Arin, rounded the corner, still shouting her name. As Celleonna came into her view, Arin sucked in her breath and ran to her.
“Oh, Celleonna! Are you alright?” she asked, dropping down next to the queen.
“Yes, I’m fine,” she replied, looking over to see Arin kneeling next to her. She then brushed her hair out of her face, stood and smoothed her dress out, ignoring the rips and tears in the beautiful fabric. “The troll captured me. They’re gone now. I suppose all they wanted was a little fun with me. Please Arin!” she cried, her hands clasped together and eyes pleading as she faced her servant. “Don’t tell anyone. I don’t want them to worry. And you know my parents; they would put me under lock and key if they found out!”
Arin attempted to stifle a shamed face as she responded, “But won’t everyone wonder where you’ve been? They sent me out to search for you for a reason, after all.”
Celleonna paused for a moment, contemplating her options. “We’ll simply have to cross that gap when we reach it; that way, I’ll have more time to think.”
Arin let out a sigh and said, “Alright. Let’s get inside then. We need to get you cleaned up.”
“You’re probably right. It would do us no good to figure out a cover-up story if I’m filthy and covered in bruises.”
Arin pulled Celleonna’s arm over her neck and helped her, limping into a back entrance of the palace. As they walked, Celleonna informed Arin of all of the events of the night, Arin relishing every detail. She tucked the juicy tidbit about Celleonna and Kérta away for later. They entered the palace and disappeared down the many winding halls inside.
After a long soak in the dewdrop falls, Celleonna sat in her darkened room, alright only by many candles dispersed throughout the room. She sat at the vanity, brushing her long, wet, dark black hair out with a porcupine-quill brush as Arin covered Celleonna’s bruises with a fair-colored mud.
With her mask off, Celleonna revealed a soft, young face. She sat in a simple, elegant night gown, the soft green of her eyes reflected therein. Every feature of her delicate face suggested that she was in her early twenties. Arin was midway through covering Celleonna’s bruises when Celleonna’s parents burst through her door.
“Alright, what happened?” Mastin, her father, thundered as he lumbered up to her.
“Mastin, please. Yelling at the girl will not produce positive results,” Aurora replied in a regal, gentle voice.
“Mother, please, you know I’m not a child any longer.” Celleonna sighed, exasperated, hiding her arms behind her.
“You’re not, are you?” Mastin boomed. He strode over to her and yanked her arms in front of her, smearing some of the mud and exposing her bruises. “A child is dishonest and tries to conceal things from her parents. An adult informs them before they ask. Why did you not come to us about this?!”
Celleonna winced as Aurora quietly, calmly, level-headedly interrupted, “Mastin, I thought we agreed that I would handle this.”
Mastin quickly gave the impression of being deflated. His red, puffy cheeks flattened out but became redder as he released Celleonna and dejectedly responded, “Yes, dear.”
“Now, if you’d be so kind as to tell us what happened, we would be more than happy to hear. And we want the truth, the whole truth. You know all too well I can tell when you’re lying.”
Celleonna took a deep breath and caved under the commanding gaze of the retired queen. The whole story spilled out, Celleonna minimizing a few of the details. Her parents were old, after all; she didn’t want to give them a heart attack nor be put under constant guard…
After a moment’s deadly silence, Aurora calmly stated, “Well, I am glad that you told us the truth. However-“
“Glad?!” Mastin angrily interjected. “I am far from glad! When a stronger young fairy offered to take care of things, but you went out on your own anyway; when the trolls were close enough to my castle to watch your every move; when only Arin’s voice saved you from those brutes… If I ever get my hands on those dirty trolls-“
“Mastin!” Aurora, for the first time in a long time, snapped. “Remember your blood pressure! Did you forget what the doctor told you?”
Mastin heaved a hefty sigh, obviously exasperated with the frequently repeated subject. Then he replied in a quiet voice, “No, dear.”
Aurora quickly regained her calm and level-headed composure as she continued, “And I thought we agreed I would handle this.”
“Yes, dear.”
Aurora turned her attention back to Celleonna. Celleonna and Arin were stifling their snickering behind their hands. “Celleonna, you must take caution no matter wher you go. Your kingdom still needs you. Those nasty trolls will get what they want soon enough. You don’t want to make it any easier for them, do you my dear?”
“No, Mother,” Celleonna whispered, disheartened.
Aurora gently put her arms around her daughter. “We will always be here for you, whenever you need us.”
She drew back and smiled into Celleonna’s face. “Now, how about you lie down in that bed and get a good night’s sleep? You have lessons tomorrow and then we have a few things to do. Everything will be better in the morning, I promise.”
Celleonna nodded and smiled as her parents walked out of the room. She picked up her porcupine-quill brush and sat in the large window seat, looking out over the dark field and on to the small resident’s town, still aglow with lights. She resumed brushing out her long, coal-black hair as she absent-mindedly stared out into the darkness.
Arin wandered around the room, gathering towels, tending candles, and straightening various items. She made simple comments about the ball and asked Celleonna various questions about her capture. Celleonna responded absent-mindedly to every question that came off of Arin’s lips for several minutes before Arin caught on. She stopped, thinking of a way to trap the inattentive queen. Finally, a smile passed across her face and, in a quite contradictorily serious tone of voice, “You remember the part where the prince said he’d be back for you later?”
“Mm-hm,” Celleonna replied spacily.
“Did you tell him you’ll be waiting with open arms and a big warm kiss?”
“Mm-hm,” she replied again.
“Hm. Let me guess… You’re not paying any attention to me, are you?” she asked, suppressing her giggles.
“What?” Celleonna asked, looking around with the appearance of just waking up.
“I knew it! Let me guess… Kérta?”
Celleonna gave a start as a blush spread across her face. Then her countenance hardened as she wheeled around to face Arin, anger in her eyes. “I advise you to hold your tongue! And it’s Ambassador Kérta to you!”
Arin forced the smile off her face and faked humility as she bowed slightly, saying quite seriously, “Yes, your majesty.”
Celleonna, seeing through the faked humility, glared angrily at Arin. Only lasting for a moment, she burst out laughing, saying, “Oh, I could never stay mad at you for more than two beats of my wings, my friend!” She paused, looking wistfully out the window. Then she sighed as she continued, “I’m not exactly sure what I think of him. He’s brash, bold, and slightly obnoxious. Yet… yet, I can’t stop thinking about him. I-“
As she tried to continue on through her confusion, she was interrupted by a quiet tapping on the glass of the closed window. There hovered Kérta, a nice suit on, his dark hair combed back, a flashing smile on his face. The two girls in the room gazed at him, dumb-founded. He gave them a moment to get over their shock and watched as a blush spread across Celleonna’s face as she wondered if he’d overheard her last sentence. Then he beckoned for the window to be opened, after which he flew gracefully into the room, planting his feet firmly on the ground in front of the two shocked fairies.
“Good evening, ladies. Ah, I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure of meeting,” he said, bending to kiss Arin’s hand.
Arin blushed deeply as he straightened and she attempted to stammer out, “Oh, sir! I am just a simple lady’s maid for Cell… I mean Queen Celleonna. That is not necessary!”
“Yes, it is quite necessary,” he said, rather seriously. “As I was just watching, you make Celleonna very happy. How long have you taken care of her?”
Arin was very nervous and flustered. She finally managed to mutter, “W-we… well, um… since w-we were little girls…”
“Ah! Wonderful! And for that, you deserve a metal!” He chuckled as he stole a glance at the now narrow-eyed, glaring Celleonna. “May I ask your name, fair maiden?” he asked, turning back to Arin.
Arin seemed to be trying to fold in on herself, to make herself smaller. She was not used to such attention; no, that was reserved for Celleonna. She preferred to hide in the background and not be noticed. She responded in a very small voice, “Arin…”
“Well, my fair Arin,” he continued with a sly grin on his lips and a wink in his eye. “May I borrow your precious Celleonna for a moment?”
Celleonna interrupted the excluding conversation, replying indignantly, “Now wait just a moment! I should think that I am the one to decide if I shall go with you!”
Kérta calmly turned and faced Celleonna. “I am very sorry, fair Celleonna. I suppose you are correct.”
Celleonna folded her arms across her chest and replied coldly, “Your sly phrases shall not work here in your favor.”
Arin suddenly remembered her place and interrupted the potential argument. She adamantly demanded, “M’lady, you cannot go out tonight! Curfew is upon the palace, and your mother will be back soon to make sure you are in bed!”
Celleonna grabbed Arin by the arm and led her to a corner of the room, whispering in a low voice. Kérta remained where he was and looked on, only slightly interested. “I really want to go with him. I need to find out what I truly feel about him, and I never can if I stay here!”
“But madam, your mother-“
“I know, I know! By the way, why must you call me madam? Are we not friends?”
Arin heaved a sigh, then continued, “Sorry, Cell. But I’ve made it a habit to speak like a servant when others are around. Otherwise they may think I’m disrespectful and fire me, getting you a new lady’s maid. I don’t wish for that to happen!”
“you would need to do that for me? Thank you, Arin! You’re so thoughtful!”
“You’re welcome! But what are we going to do about-“
“I’ve got it! It’s kind of risky, and you’ll have to help me out a lot!”
“Helping you? Risky? Count me in!” Arin adamantly decreed.
“Alright, here’s the plan…” Celleonna learned forward and whispered even more quietly, with a smile slowly spreading across her face.




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Hi!
Seeing as no one's critiqued this yet, i'll give it a stab.

First off, I think you should cut the character list and pronunciation guide, or at least post it separate from the story. You should be able to introduce your characters and their personalities in the story itself, instead of giving readers an information dump before they've even begun reading.

superminichick wrote:Chapter 1: The Meeting

The moon was filtering through the trees down onto fairies adorned in beautiful, colorful gowns and suit, all created from leaves, flowers, and other colorful things of the forest. Fairies smiled at one another through their elegant butterfly-wing masks. They danced in a unique, intricate pattern, turning and twisting rhythmically with the soft music floating on the air.

The ancient trees that lined the clearing stretched high above the ground, half-covered in moss, spreading their leaf-covered (both half-covered and leaf-covered don't fit in one paragraph--try leafy instead) arms high to the great sky, as if to praise it for giving them life. The branches were so thick and spread out, like a network of veins(this is a good simile), that it created a protective canopy over the masquerade.

A large, [s]dark[/s], [s]beautiful [/s]mahogany table If it's mohoghany, most people should know that it's dark,) lined one end of the clearing, laden down with lovely, colorful, sugary desserts and other foods. A few servers made their way back and forth to the table, carrying empty dishes or more plates of the wonderful food. wonderful food? find a different adjective, or none at all)

Suddenly, the music stopped. Everyone paused and turned to look at the doors of the mushroom palace (a mushroom palace! cute!). It was a beautiful, white building made of many mushrooms clustered together. It had a soft glow to it that never silenced, day or night. Great, sweeping stairs led from the huge, heavy doors to the grassy area below. But the sight at the door far surpassed the grand palace. Try reworking this description of the palace--i think it could be better)

There stood the queen, solitary and beautiful, framed in the light of the doorway. Wearing the loveliest dress of all, it was composed of rich blues and dark purples. Her skirt was composed from the bell of a beautiful, rare blue flower, her top made of [s]preserved [/s]purple autumn leaves. Her mask was made of the daintiest pair of butterfly wings; purple and blue swelled across them, complimenting her soft purple wings. (too many adjectives here)

As she stepped forth from her palace, a handsome fairy stepped out from the crowd, bowing low to her as she curtsied in response, and took her arm. “You are looking lovely tonight, my queen,” the male fairy said in a suave, smooth tone.

“Why, thank you, Ambassador. And please, call me Celleonna,” the queen replied in a soft, beautiful voice. (Adjectives!)

“Only if you call me Kérta.”

The queen gave a quick, [s]flattering [/s]smile as she replied, “Ambassador Kérta… I like it.”

As they came to an end in their conversation, they found themselves in the heart of the dancing group. When they reached their destination, they turned and bowed to one another, leading the large group in a twirling, flowing dance, talking and laughing to one another, rarely switching partners as the night deepened.

* * *

A few hours later, the ball had dissipated (the ball dissipated? howabout the crowd dissipated, or the dancers?), few fairies remaining. Those who did relaxed on the palace steps, talking in large groups or individual couples. Among them, sitting high up and by themselves, sat Queen Celleonna and Ambassador Kérta.

“If you don’t mind my asking, how do you think tonight’s festivities went?” Celleonna asked quietly, clearly, looking thoughtfully at Kérta through her mask.

Kérta sat below her, looking out over the gentle clearing. He remained silent for a moment, a contemplative look in his eyes, before he responded, “I think it went quite well. You are a lovely dancer, my queen.” He turned to survey her, his eyes glinting, unreadable under his mysterious, black-winged mask.

Under his bold gaze, Celleonna turned a deep scarlet, becoming flustered. She forced her regal calm back in place as she reprimanded, “Surely you flatter me, Ambassador. I could not have had a better partner.”

“I’m sure you could have,” he replied bitterly, a slight quip detectable in his voice. He gazed across the front lawn, not really seeing it. Celleonna gazed at him curiously. He was a stranger here in the palace. He was staying in the nearby town. Surely he must have come from somewhere in the kingdom, for Celleonna knew of no other fairy lands except for what was under her dominion, but no one was quite sure where.

What had brought him here,[s] a stranger in a strange land[/s]? His faint bitterness might be a clue. Was he considered worthless, careless, lazy, or something of the sort back where he was from? Surely this wasn’t the case; he was a new arrival here and yet already he was in high stature. On one of his first nights here he was dancing with the queen. Who had invited him anyway? That could be a clue too. (wouldn't this queen know something of other places?)

His accent would [s]detect [/s] (try "suggest" instead) that he was from the far south of the kingdom, [s]not far from [/s] near the great body of water. Seeing that this was the only affirmative (is it affirmative? did kerta affirm it?) answer Celleonna could reach, she dismissed the thought for now, determined to dig deeper later. They resumed a light, superficial conversation, Celleonna quietly trying to draw more information from Kérta, Kérta silently and easily evading all of her hidden questions.

She grinned at this proof of intelligence. As the quiet battle of wits continued on, Celleonna though over this fairy’s virtues; he was intelligent, he had grace and finesse, and he seemed kind. Now what were his downfalls? She wasn’t blind; everyone had faults. She had to discover his.

What was she doing? She stopped herself, wondering why she was evaluating this fairy who was a stranger to her. Why? Why would she be evaluating this fairy as if she were deciding to live with him for life? Her mother had trained her to evaluate fairies like this so that she could correctly choose a spouse, but… she couldn’t seriously be considering this fairy for a husband, could she?! (this paragraph is...awkward...seems a little out of place.)

“Are you still there, my queen?” Kérta teased, looking at her as if from a long distance away.

“Of course,” Celleonna said, trying to recall what Kérta had just told her. “And Ambassador, I believe I told you to call me Celleonna.”

“Of course, Celleonna. In return, I believe I asked you to call me Kérta.”

“Of course, Kérta.” She let the unfamiliar name roll pleasantly across her tongue. “So what…”

Kérta turned to look at her, trying to discern why she had stopped talking. He opened his mouth to ask her, but was immediately silenced as she held her hand up. “Do you smell something?” She asked in a shaky voice.

Kérta sat up a little straighter, turning his nose to the air as he faced the open clearing yet again. After only a few seconds, Kérta’s nose wrinkled in disgust as he replied, “Yes, actually, I do. Where could such a putrid smell becoming from?” He looked up at Celleonna, than started at her appearance.

Her face was completely drained of color, her eyes wide with fear. She opened her mouth, closed it and gave a little shake of her head, as if to shake herself back to her senses, and then, in a barely audible whisper, “Trolls.”

Kérta, continuing to stare up at her, cocked one eyebrow up and tilted his head a little to the right as he questioned, “What did you say?”

Celleonna stood quickly to her feet, completely livid as she screamed, “Trolls!”

The groups gathered on the stairs fell into a hush as everyone, including Kérta, stared at Celleonna, eyes slowly widening. She leapt into the air, flying above the heads of all as she yelled instructions. “Everyone, listen up! Trolls are approaching! Please head directly inside! Ambassador Kérta will escort you. The last one in must lock the door. I need to make sure everyone is safe!”

She began to fly away, but Kérta reached up and grabbed her arm, stopping her. He spoke calmly, contradicting the fear exposed in his eyes. He kept his voice low to avoid being overheard by the now-panicking fairies as he muttered, “My [s]conscious [/s] conscience will not allow me to stand idle when a defenseless lady is out here alone, my queen.” (she's not really his queen, is she? seeing as he's foreign and all. maybe he could address her as "your majesty" instead)

Celleonna jerked her arm away and gestured to the other fairies, forcefully responding, “Just go! Hurry, take them inside!”

Kérta opened his mouth to object again but Celleonna had already flown towards the servants, who were scrambling to carry the beautiful trays of food into the palace (do they really need to save the food?). He quickly turned back to the crowd and ushered the screaming fairies into the Great Hall. He shut the door only after taking one long, nervous glance at Celleonna then bolted it. When Celleonna had pushed the last sever through the servant’s entrance, she listened carefully for the click of the heavy bolt and flew around the side of the building to be sure there was no one else left outside.

As she rounded the corner, a large, green, pimpled hand shot out of the darkness and grabbed her, pinning her against the wall. Celleonna squirmed against the hand and opened her mouth to scream. Before any sound could rise from her throat, another troll hand was clamped over her mouth. She bit into it, sending the owner of the hand howling in pain, and she spat, trying to get the taste of rancid eggs and moldy berries out of her mouth as all of the surrounding trolls laughed. The troll pinning her to the wall took a step closer, revealing an ugly, hideous face and a crude crown that looked as if it had been sat on often

“Now now, my queen (again, not his queen, is she?). Surely you’ve been taught better manners than that!” His voice was deep-throated and crude, much like the rest of him. At this jest, all of the trolls laughed again. Strengthened by this form of approval, the troll prince continued, “Eh, why wasn’t we invited to this little soirée? I thinks I deserve a dance with you!”

The hand pinning her against the wall moved around to her back and pinned her against the filthy, scantily-clad body of the troll prince and another hand come down and grabbed one of her hands, completely enveloping it. The troll prince then dragged Celleonna in a clumsy waltz. Celleonna, with her feet helplessly high above the ground and wings pinned to her back by the huge hand, could do nothing but squirm harder.

“Now come on, Honey, give me a kiss!” The troll prince pulled Celleonna a small distance from is body. His one hand completely encircled her tiny waste, his sand-paper skin ripping through the gentle fabrics of her dress. He puckered his grayish-green, big, ugly lips and leaned over towards him. Celleonna squirmed frantically until one of her arms were free, then slapped him as hard as she could. The troll prince, at the force drawn across his face, wheeled back, dropping Celleonna. (she's pretty strong, then?)

She hovered where she was dropped in a defiant stance, fists balled up and ready to punch, legs spread for balance, her eyes ablaze with the fires of hatred.

“You don’t own me, Tonya!” she spat. All of the trolls laughed as their prince went livid. Then, slowly, an evil, wicked smile spread across his lips.

“You’re right!” he said, throwing his hands up in a carefree way. “I don’t own you… yet.” With that, he snapped his fingers. Two of the biggest and dumbest trolls leapt out of the pack with the agility of tigers and grabbed each of Celleonna’s arms, pinning her back against the wall. After a futile attempt to kick them, they pinned her legs back too.

Tonya took a step forward and softly said, “Now, now, boys, be gentle. We don’t want to bruise the queen!” He ran a fat, sausage-like finger down her cheek. She turned to attempt to bite it as everyone laughed. “Oh, by the way,” he continued. “Have you told your [s]precious little boyfriend [/s]about us?” (yeck! i'm assuming that he's talking about ambassador Kerta, but how does the troll know about kerta, much less that celleona has a thing for him?)

This time it was Celleonna’s turn to go livid. Then her face contorted with anger and she spat viciously at him. Then she whispered in a deadly voice, “There is no us, Tonya!”

The troll prince opened his mouth to reply just as a still quiet voice rang out in the quiet woods, calling out, “Celleonna! Where are you, Celleonna!?” All the trolls jumped with a start, then turned to scramble into the trees. The two trolls holding Celleonna dropped her to the ground and run into the forest. Tonya was the last one left and he turned back to Celleonna before he disappeared.

“I’ll be back later, my queen!” He followed it off by a deep-throated laugh and disappeared into the darkness of the trees. Celleonna stayed crouched on the ground, panting heavily for breath. Celleonna’s lady’s maid, Arin, rounded the corner, still shouting her name. As Celleonna came into her view, Arin sucked in her breath and ran to her.

“Oh, Celleonna! Are you alright?” she asked, dropping down next to the queen.

“Yes, I’m fine,” she replied, looking over to see Arin kneeling next to her. She then brushed her hair out of her face, stood and smoothed her dress out, ignoring the rips and tears in the beautiful fabric. “The troll captured me. They’re gone now. I suppose all they wanted was a little fun with me. Please Arin!” she cried, her hands clasped together and eyes pleading as she faced her servant. “Don’t tell anyone. I don’t want them to worry. And you know my parents; they would put me under lock and key if they found out!”

Arin attempted to stifle a shamed face as she responded, “But won’t everyone wonder where you’ve been? They sent me out to search for you for a reason, after all.” (i'm confused)


That's about all i can do for now.

Fairies are fun to write about, and can work as long as you avoid the kind of flowery language that makes fairy stories gaudy. Here i think you need to cut back on adjectives and adverbs and make your language more succinct. if you concentrate on the flow of your sentences it will be easier to read.

as for your characters, try developing them through more distinct dialogue--think of how each character would respond to their situation. For example, Celleonna seems at first scared stiff of the trolls when she smells then but then tells everyone to go in without her and faces the troll prince and actually hits him. try to keep your characters from abruptly changing like that--it throws the reader off and makes it hard to relate to the characters.

Hope i've helped. i didn't get to everything, i know, but at least its a start. keep working at it!
~*~Twinflower~*~



We do have funerals for the living. They're called birthday parties.
— Jill Biden (fictitiously), Hope Never Dies