Broken Wings, Blooded Swords

This is a complete rewrite of chapter one, somethings added and a lot taken out. I have trouble with grammar and tense so please point out anything you see. Thank you

A slight breeze danced through the trees. The sun was high in the sky bearing down upon the land and all who inhabit it. The day was perfect...Perfect for a battle. Four people stood at the top of a hill looking down upon their vast army.
" Are you with me?" Aloysius asked observing two of his three subordinates closely.
" You are my master I will always be with you" Vincent replied.
" ...Yes..." Neros muttered.
" And you Cecilia?"
" I give myself to you totally Lord Aloysius," Cecilia whispered her voice devoid of any emotion. She locked eyes with Neros " totally." Her eyes stung she hated herself for saying those words. She looked away from Neros unable to hold his gaze any longer. Aloysius raised his sword high in the air.
" My people...We have come a long way and have made many sacrifices. Many people have fallen for our cause, but it shall not be in vain. For this...This is the final battle. The battle to end all battles. Come together with connected strength for the sake of peace. From darkness. To glory. To victory!" He roared thrusting his sword into the air. The army raised their weapons in response.
" Either victory or death!" they chanted. Cecilia watched silently and stole a look at Neros, who was watching her out the corner of his eye.
" Why does it have to be this way Neros?" She mouthed to him.
" It was going to happen eventually Cecilia." He mouthed back.
" When you two are finished!" Aloysius snapped angrily and glared at Neros.
" I can't turn my-"
" My Lord look out" Vincent cried and rushed forward...But he was too slow. A arrow made of the darkest Mana hit Aloysius square in the chest. He fell to his knees. Cecilia turned round and saw Dai, one of Chazore's generals.
" I killed your precious leader. That was too easy Lord Chazore will be disappointed."
Vincent drew his blade and was about to rush forward but Neros held him back.
" Wait Vincent, don't let anger cloud your sight."
There was a fizzing sound and the arrow disappeared. Chazore laughed and stood up slowly holding where the arrow pierced him. A small trickle of blood ran down his white tunic. Dai froze and just stared.
" A ...A....shot like that should killed you...That's what Lord Chazore said..."
" Do you think your measly little arrow was able to pierce my body?! That it stabbed me? Ran me through? Killed me? Is that what you thought? You forget Dai you fought against Vincent once. Really Dai you should think before you act. I have already finished analyzing your Mana. Even if I've never seen the technique before...you still used your own Mana...Now if Chazore used his it would be a different story...But I can reduce your Dark Mana generated, Keeping the damage to a minimal!" Aloysius yelled and started laughing " Cecilia kill him!"
" Yes Lord Aloysius." Cecilia replied and bowed deeply before him, fearing she will show resistance in her eyes " Lord Aloysius. I, your humble servant beg of you to reveal thy glory and bless me."
Aloysius touched her forehead and beautiful white wings appeared.
" Go my servant and fulfil my will" He said to her. She flexed the wings a few times and took off into the air and gracefully landed in front of Dai.
" No please! Have mercy on me! Let me live!" Dai begged falling to his knees in front of her. She smiled at him softly and drew her blade.
" You know I can't do that Dai. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry" She whispered and knelt next to him " sleep now Dai the angels are coming for you." She placed a coin and a feather that had fallen off her wings into his hand.
" W...W...What's this?"
" A coin to pay the ferryman and a feather for good fortune in the next life. But remember don't pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side understand?"
He nodded slowly and Cecilia thrust her sword into Dai's chest.

Cecilia lurched forward and held her head.
" Why won't you leave me alone it's been the same memory for months!" She whimpered standing up and buckled her sword to her waist.
" C...C...Cecilia are you o...O...Ok?" The familiar voice of her companion asked.
" I'm fine thank you Abel...Did I wake you?"
" No...I've been awake for a while now" Abel replied poking the dying ashes of the fire with a stick trying to coax the heat out. Cecilia muttered a few words under her breath and the fire sprang to life. Abel jumped back in shock and fell off the log he was sitting on. Cecilia ran over to him and crouched down next to him.
" I'm so sorry Abel I forgot you are so easily startled."


That's all i have the the moment what do you think? I have some troubles with grammar and tense if you see something that needs editing please point it out.

Kay so...
First, I liked the sudden change in pace at the beginning, it was amusing.

" Now where was i?"

I should be capital.

"We all know the story, the goddess herself came down to heal him yeah, yeah, yeah," the voice said. Everyone turned round and looked at the speaker. Emerged in shadows there wasn't much to see, but a smirk under the hood of the cloak that concealed her.

Umm, maybe leave out all the yeahs...Most medival english-speaking people never used "yeah"

If you said "A voice spoke up" it is logical that it would be the same voice talking, so you don't need to confirm it by saying the voice said. Maybe you should describe the voice. "The icy voice chilled the hearts of those who heard" (j/k but is an example. "The youthful voice rang in the inn" Might be better.

Let me ask you something Mr storyteller...Why is our side the good side and the others the bad side?" She questioned her smirk only getting wider.

Storyteller should begin with capital S if it follows Mr. "Mr. Storyteller"
"Others" should be "Other's"( if there is only 1 other. If there's two or more, its Others')

"Let me ask you something Mr storyteller...Why is our side the good side and the others the bad side?" She questioned her smirk only getting wider.
" Well...Er...-"
" That's what i thought," She whispered " Now if you don't mind it's been a long night and i am going to retire,". She drained her cup and climbed up the stairs to the bedrooms.

I'm sorry, but this does not make me like your main character. She seems really arrogant.

And what I find is that both sides truly tend to have some idea why thet're the good side. The problem is, it's made up or bloated, or some parts of the story untold to make them seem good. This is what makes them truly dangerous. Evil thinking they're doing good, makes it justified and they fight for it so much more. So what would happen is he would say
"They pillaged our villages and kidnapped our women" or some extreme. (Make it a rant about the endless killed and so on...)

Then the main character says...."But isn't that because we slaughtered their king's family" or something. Whatever it is make it worse then the acts the storyteller claimed occured. Describe the people's surprise in detail. Then she can say the "I'm going to retire" thing
Leave out "That's what I thought"

You might need to explain how she knew the mercanary for a mercanary. Distinctive tattoos? weapons? seems weird that she would just know. Same with the thief

"She growled, not growls"

"How?" She questioned.

You need to describe her surprise here. Not just leave it.

Also, it seems weird that the people would go into her room, reveal they know her name, and leave. What I think would happen is hetells her to not do something or not to meet someone and then either cast a spell on her, or beat her around to make sure she complies.

Just as quickly as they appeared, they disappeared into the abyss of the night

Weren't they in her room? That's a problem, you never say where she is. So how'd they get out of her room. It sounds cool, but is impractical.

Who was he?" She whispered. She stood up and pulled her dagger from the wall " tch my aims off, i will have to work on that"

after "Tch" you should say "Her voice was filled with disgust" before continuing with "My aim's off"

Just who are you Mr Mystery man, She thought staring deep into the painting. She shook her head and looked out the window "hmmm dawn, i better get going"

Usually, if thoughts are basically the people talking.. its under quotations and then italics

"Just who are you Mr Mystery man,"

also "I" is capital again

She said bowing politely to the oldman.

Old man

laughed and fished a sugar lump out of her cloak feeding it to her.

Too many she's and hers. Should be she fed it to the mare.

" Ah! I know him over by the shed,"

Should be "Ah! I know him, the one by the shed!" you're missing a lot of commas in the middle of sentances and putting them in the end when not necessary

" Thank you miss!" He yelled and ran off. She walked up to and stroked his neck and fished out a few sugar lumps. He ate them quickly and neighed affectionately. She put his saddle on and pulled her hood up.

This makes it seem like she's stroking the boy's neck...weird..

that's all I got, probably missed a bit.

And just so you know, I have a cast on my arm right now, so this took a LLLOOOONNNGGGG time to do.

hope it helps

PM me if you have questions about it.

Hey!
[He coughed up blood, more and more coming more frequently. How could he do this? He felt like he was betraying everyone who trusted him, who followed him by dying on the eve of the final battle. He coughed again, more violently this time, the poison was doing it's work. He felt it course through his veins like fire-[/quote]
I like your idea of starting the story as a story. Perhaps to make it clearer you could put it in italics? ‘more and more coming frequently could be revised. How about, “His frequent racking coughs drew more and more blood… yada yada yada’

storyteller hiccuped and took several swigs

‘hiccuped’ is spelled ‘hiccupped’

" Now where was i?"

‘i’ needs to be capitalized. Also, in all of your dialogue you have an extra space after the first quotaion mark. Here are a few more examples of this:

" We
" This

And so on…

Emerged in shadows there wasn't much to see, but a smirk under the hood of the cloak that concealed her.

This is a bit awkward. Also you might have meant ‘immersed’ or ‘submerged’ but ‘emerged isn’t the right word, and I think ‘shrouded’ or something else might be better. So here is how I would revise this sentence: ‘Immersed in the shadow of XXX, there wasn’t much to see, save for a smirk under the hood of the cloak that concealed her.’ Also, if it is impossible to see her, I think you might want to save the fact that she is female until later.

" This is the story of our past young lad, you should treat it with more respect!" someone shouted.

Should be: “This is the story of our past young lad. You should treat it with more respect!” Someone shouted.

" Let me ask you something Mr storyteller...Why is our side the good side and the others the bad side?" She questioned her smirk only getting wider.

“Let me ask you something Mr.[period] storyteller. Why is it that our side is always the good side, and the other’s the bad?”
And this is not the most original idea, especially in the way the storyteller answered. If this is what he believed, then he should have a better argument to support it. You also introduced the idea of him being drunk earlier on, and I would have liked more description of his voice, and some follow up on this idea throughout the story. Speaking of description, I would like some more overall, but we’ll get to that later.

" That's what i thought," She whispered " Now if you don't mind it's been a long night and i am going to retire,". She drained her cup and climbed up the stairs to the bedrooms.

Watch your capitalization. I noticed this in a few other places as well. ‘I’ always needs to be capitalized. This could also be revised:
“That’s what I thought,” she whispered. “Now if you don’t mind, it’s been a very long night and I am going to retire.”
Also, if no one knows who she is, why should anyone care whether she retires? I pictured this being at a tavern, or some such, but if I’m wrong please excuse me. After all, you haven’t really described the surroundings at all.

The tavern was old and the smell of alcohol and wood hung in the air like incense. It was a sturdy building that liked to creak in the night, she came here often and knew the place like the back of her hand. She took the stairs two at a time making no noise, like she was trained.She walked up to a study oak door and started to fish through her pockets. She pulled out a old rusty key attached to a piece of rope and inserted it into the keyhole. She froze...Something wasn't right, she thought. Unsheathing her sword quietly she pushed the door open slowly. She cautiously took one step in and tensed waiting for them to pounce; She didn't have to wait long. They was on her like a pack of wolves. Five she counted, two of which were using crude enchantments to hide themselves.

“The tavern was old, and the smell of alcohol and wood hung in the air like incense. It was a sturdy building that liked to creak in the night; she came here often and knew the place like the back of her hand.
She took the [insert description here] stairs to at a time, making no sound as she had been taught. She walked slowly up to the sturdy oak door and started to fish through her pockets. In a few minutes she pulled out an old rusty key attached to a length of twine and inserted it into the keyhole. Suddenly, she froze… Something isn’t right. Unsheathing her sword as quietly as possible she pushed the door open, tensing her muscles in anticipation. She took one cautious step forward and waited for the attack… She didn’t have to wait long. They were on her like a pack of wolves. Five she counted, two of which were using crude enchantments to hide themselves.”
There are a lot of things wrong with this paragraph. I have just put in some suggestions for revisions, but in addition you used a lot of clichés, such as: Hung in the air like incense (Which by the way, you have to think whether there would be incense in your fantasy world or not)
Like the back of her hand
Like a pack of wolves
A few other things I noticed: If a building was sturdy, it probably wouldn’t creak. Also, didn’t she just come from a tavern? Or am I confused? Maybe this would be a good time to describe the outside of the building?
How did she know something was wrong? Elaborate. Was it just a gut feeling? Does she have a special ability? Did she sense something? Did the hairs on the back of her neck rise?

" Are you going to behave?" She growls at him and pulled her wrist out of his grasp clutching it to her chest like it was a child.

You changed tenses here. Should be: ‘She growled at him”

quickly as they appeared, they disappeared into the abyss of the night. Cecilia let out the breath she was holding.

‘abyss’ is another cliché, by the way. Also, I thought she wasn’t afraid of them? This was kindof a quick change from a heroic fighter to a victim.

" tch my aims off, i will have to work on that"

Watch your grammar and punctuation in you dialogue especially. I think the rest of these you can find yourself if you take the time to do t.
Ak, I’m running out of time. Anyway, try and do a spell/grammar check on this by reading it aloud to yourself. Also watch your clichés. This is reminding me a lot of the Tamora Pierce stories. Hope this helps!
Questions or if you have another piece for me to review, please PM me.
See you around!
~Lupis

Thank you, Both of you. I can see what you mean. I'm so glad my friend talked me into uploading my story on here. I never would've noticed some of the things you pointed out. Thank you once again .

I been meaning to review this story all day and this is the first open moment I got. Sorry in advance if I say stuff others have, but I am probably going to.

more and more coming more frequently.

Try replacing the third more with something else. Dictionary.com really helps.

Emerged in shadows there wasn't much to see, but a smirk under the hood of the cloak that concealed her.

I believe you mean immersed.

" That's what I thought," She whispered " Now if you don't mind it's been a long night and I am going to retire,".

like she was trained.She walked up to a study oak door

Hardly noticable but put a space between trained. and She

The tavern was old and the smell of alcohol and wood hung in the air like incense. It was a sturdy building that liked to creak in the night, she came here often and knew the place like the back of her hand. She took the stairs two at a time making no noise, like she was trained. She walked up to a study oak door and started to fish through her pockets. She pulled out a old rusty key attached to a piece of rope and inserted it into the keyhole. She froze . . . something wasn't right, she thought. Unsheathing her sword quietly she pushed the door open slowly. She cautiously took one step in and tensed waiting for them to pounce; She didn't have to wait long. They were on her like a pack of wolves. Five she counted, two of which were using crude enchantments to hide themselves.

You overuse she, change that. Use a thesarus (or Dictionary.com) to find something to replace with she. You elipse needs to change, use my bolded one. lower case s on something. The rest are just grammar change.

" How . . . ?" she questioned.

" I know a lot about you Cecilia Dinah, maybe more than you know yourself," the figure chuckled darkly.

"Who was he?" she whispered. She stood up and pulled her dagger from the wall "Tch my aims off: I will have to work on that". Sheathing her sword she sat on the bed, not caring about the lumpiness of the mattress or the chattering of the crows outside. She knew they wouldn't be back, not yet anyway. Pulling out a pad from her satchel and various inks she started working. Apart from being one of the best mercenaries this side of The Highwind Province, Cecilia was quite the artist. The pencil danced across the paper. His lithe body, his high cheek bones, his pale skin. She paid extra detail to the face, those blue eyes: the ones that can see right through you. His pale skin almost the color of chalk. He was so . . . hypnotic. She paused to look at her work.

The italisized word needs changed to something else.

Just who are you Mr. Mystery man, she thought, staring deep into the painting.

She shook her head and looked out the window. "Hmmm dawn, I better get going".

" I thank you for the room, Suchi," she said, bowing politely to the oldman. He placed a hand on her shoulder.

Take care and may the goddess' blessing be with you."

" Well what are you waiting for, a party?

" Sorry, these are for Shadowstar. Maybe another time," she said to the horse.

Comments: Hate to tell you this, but your story isn't that interesting and could use a serious overhaul. You have problems capitalizing your I's, you overuse certain words, and you need to learn where to put commas, periods, and colons. This needs more description. I could imagine stuff at some parts, but not at others and that's a problem. Try reading over your story before you post next time. That's all for now. Au revior

Boon the Werewolf

I'm not going to do a line by line edit as the others have done because they've covered everthing you need to know. But 'm just going to give you some friendly advice (haha).


1. You need a whole lot more description. There's some and it's good but I need more!

2. Try to talk more about the characters movement. You've done this in quie a lot of places but the reader needs a little more detail. Well, If I was writing this, I wold add more description in, but you can choose to do it your own way
As they are speaking, try and add in their body language and gestures.

3. Read the dialogue out loud so you can see where commas and pauses go. This also helps you to edit lines so they fit how the character would say them. You know what I mean, a queen isn't going to talk like "'ello' me mate, howz it going?". I'm not saying you have a problem with this, but its a tip for future reference.


All in all, I liked this a lot, but it has the potential to be even more brilliant! The story sounds good and you'd better write more for me to read soon!
I liked the conflict between the storyteller and the girl and the way you started the story off. However, to me, this doesnt feel like the start of a story, more like a chapter from the middle because it feels like a lot of things are unexplained. Where are they? (apart from the tavern) Who is this boy that was poisoned? To me it's like we've been put in the middle of the action but thee's no explanation. This is a very good technique but you need to make the reader clear about the characters and the story.

I'm sorry for being so harsh, but it will help you with the rest of your book. See you tomorrow!


Charlotte

Swottielottie wrote:I'm not going to do a line by line edit as the others have done because they've covered everthing you need to know. But 'm just going to give you some friendly advice (haha).


1. You need a whole lot more description. There's some and it's good but I need more!

2. Try to talk more about the characters movement. You've done this in quie a lot of places but the reader needs a little more detail. Well, If I was writing this, I wold add more description in, but you can choose to do it your own way
As they are speaking, try and add in their body language and gestures.

3. Read the dialogue out loud so you can see where commas and pauses go. This also helps you to edit lines so they fit how the character would say them. You know what I mean, a queen isn't going to talk like "'ello' me mate, howz it going?". I'm not saying you have a problem with this, but its a tip for future reference.


All in all, I liked this a lot, but it has the potential to be even more brilliant! The story sounds good and you'd better write more for me to read soon!
I liked the conflict between the storyteller and the girl and the way you started the story off. However, to me, this doesnt feel like the start of a story, more like a chapter from the middle because it feels like a lot of things are unexplained. Where are they? (apart from the tavern) Who is this boy that was poisoned? To me it's like we've been put in the middle of the action but thee's no explanation. This is a very good technique but you need to make the reader clear about the characters and the story.

I'm sorry for being so harsh, but it will help you with the rest of your book. See you tomorrow!


Charlotte

I can see what you mean, but to be honest i wrote this at 4am XD when i got inspried so it's rough around the edges i need to do so much more work on it.

Because so many people have already critted you, I'll just give a few words of advice (like Charlotte up there ).

You seem to have a huge issue with pace. Your story is--what?--a page, page and a half without the extra spaces for formatting? If I was writing this, I'd spend at least a page on the argument--which would include the beginning 'story', the storyteller's stop (where I would go into describing the tavern, maybe beginning it by having the storyteller look at a clock, or something more medieval), the interruption by Cecilia, the actual arguing and the people's reactions, then end that section with her retiring upstairs.

To fix the next section (the whole 'attack' scene), I'd slow down the action. Slow it way, waaay down. For the feeling you're trying to get here, you don't want to be like "she did this, they did this, then this happened, and this, and this and then she stopped because the guy stepped out of the shadows and told her to stop". Ah, no. No, no, no, no, no. How about something like this?:

She took the aging stairs two at a time, stepping lightly just as she had been taught. (<--this is a good line as the reader goes 'ooh! information! [to quote PenguinAttack ]) The boards under her feet made no sound as she moved down the hall at the top of the stairway toward her room. she took about a minute fishing around in her pockets before producing the rusty old key to her door that was tied onto a loop of twine.

As she inserted the key and nudged open the door, however, she heard a slight metallic ring from within the room. She was no Elf (are the elves in your story named with a lower case or capital 'e'?), but she was a warrior--as a warrior, she knew that that sound could only belong to a sword being drawn from it scabbard.

'Who would be in my room? The door was locked,' the woman wondered, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. Pocketing the key, she silently drew her own blade from beneath her cloak and pushed the door inward, stepping aside so as to avoid any ambushees (not a word but whatever) that might be lurking within the depths of the dark room. Hearing nothing that would suggest anyone was inside, she quietly stepped around the corner with her blade held in a defensive stance.

The woman froze as four figures seemed to materialize out of the darkness. Two were dressed in knee-length tunics and wearing cloaks identical to the one she herself had. Another seemed to be only the shape of a human with no defining clothing or other articles except his blade--the woman's sharp eyes saw the crest of a dragon twined around an upright blade was carved into the metal near the cross-guard of the blade. The final person also wore a cloak but was dressed in a shirt and breeches instead of a tunic like her companions.

"Well, well, well--two Mages, a thief and a mercenary. So--who shall be the first to die?" the woman snarled, pointing her blade at each intruder in turn. Inside, however, she was filled with alarm--what in all the gods' names were two Mages, a thief and a mercenary doing in her lodgings? Had her enemies sent them here to have her killed in the night, or were they seeking her help in some quest or another?

Furthermore, could she trust them?

Well, she hadn't been pounced on yet, so they might or might not be friendly. They had already had plenty of opportunity to kill her, and they hadn't taken advantage of that.

Yet.

This gives us both a feeling of more suspense in the beginning, as well as making us feel just as surprised as the character is by the sudden appearance of these people.

[quote=kawaii_kitty"]I can see what you mean, but to be honest i wrote this at 4am XD when i got inspried so it's rough around the edges i need to do so much more work on it.[/quote]
You can start by typing correctly whenever you write anything. If you get in the habit of typing correctly all the time, you won't make so many mistakes when you're actually writing. Example: I can already see about three to six mistakes in the above quote.

okay. I like what you did with all the advice. It's quite the improvement.

I hate to contradict, but i disagree with canislupis about the story. I like the juxtaposition between the first story and the real thing. I'n my opinion it's a bit more humourous without the italics. However, I'm not going to tell you which way is better. It's my opinion and yu should do what you think is best. One skill writers tend to ignore is being able to siphon through all the coments anf critiques and judge which ones work for their version of the story. It stll must be your own.

I'm glad you're adding more description.

Immersed in the shadows where the rays of the dying lamps couldn't reach, a figure stood.

I'm not sure why, buy I feel that "stood" is one of those words you should just not end sentnces with. It's just weird.

"Unnoticed by the crowd until now, a solitary figure stood immersed the shadows, the weak rays of the dying lamps and hearth unable to penetrate the darkness."
(I added hearth because every inn has one) Blaugh Maybe the problem is trying to make it 1 sentance. Try 2 or 3 maybe.

" You condemn what you do not understand". The whole tavern was quiet at this point listening to the argument.
" Our nobles were a group of Necromancers"

The whole tavern was quiet at this point, listening to the arguement." Forgot the comma. And If the figure is still speaking, shouldn't this whole bit be one paragraph. (Unless you added one about her thoughts about what she is about to reveal, and make that a paragraph.)

He started to drone on again, But the people wasn't listening as intently as before.

"But the people weren't listening as intently as before, their minds troubled by the shadowy figure's powerful arguement"

She took the aging stairs to at a time,

should be two at a time.

She walked slowly up to the sturdy oak door and started to fish through her pockets.

Again you never actually tell us if its her room.

With a flick of the wrist an identical dagger to the one she had around her neck had pinned her cape to the wall

You're not identifying whose wrist that is throwing. Think of the readers. Yu know exactly whats going, make sure your readers can too. (Unless you want the scene to be ambiguous

Good, so listen up and listen well, for i am not going to repeat this and do not interrupt ," he said staring deep into her eyes...No into her soul

"For I" mybe you're used to automatic changes eh?
Also these days writers aren't as personal as to make mistakes or changes. The whole prose of days gone by where the author writes about themself or thinks on paper is gone.
"She felt as if he was staring into the depths of her soul" Make it its own sentance.

I'm sorry but if this guy is telling her man will try to kill her, is he good or bad? He's giving her a warning but going bout it as if he's threatening her life. (I know I told you to do this but this wasn't quite what I had in mind. So PM me (so no one else knows ) if he's good or bad

"my aims off, i will have to work on that".

I

That's it....for basic stuff.

I might be repeating, but add more to it! Get in your main character's head, describe more, make your story LIVE!!!


But still make it your own

And PM me if you have questions/new version again

I was going to go into the fight but saw someone did.

"However they used woman to much

Make it yours!!!!!not your idea with their writing. (No offense people) Just saying if you like someone's idea mess with it until it's your own