Snow Spirit

A extensive revision of an old piece.

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Snow Spirit
All is silent. Snowflakes fall to the forest floor, settling gently onto beds of moss. The solid black sky above is dotted with tiny pinpricks of starlight, and glows slightly behind a waning moon. My view is framed by swaying cedar branches. I do my best to ignore the chill seeping into my joints and huddle between the roots of a large tree. Bundled in Luke’s old coat, I enjoy the winter scene despite the cold.
A barn owl’s screech echoes through the tree-tops above me. The sound is familiar and I do not flinch. In a moment the silence again settles softly all around. All is quiet, until my senses detect a soft step in the undergrowth ahead of me to my left. Fear courses through my body, but I force myself to relax. I have known these woods for many years. Luke and I settled here when I was twenty-two, and we spent much of our time walking these trails. Even after he died I still kept up our nightly walk routine. There is nothing that should make me feel afraid. A branch snaps. In spite of myself, my head turns quickly, searching for the source of the sound. But I can see nothing beyond the sliver of moonlight in which I sit. Then, my heart racing, I see a head appear. I relax slightly when I make out the ears and delicate long legs of a deer. Its hooves crunch as they break through the snow’s surface. It steps forward gracefully into the moonlight, and I take a sharp breath as my eyes travel down its pure white coat. The deer I am used to seeing are always brown or spotted. For some reason every perfect white hair on this animal's body makes me shiver. After a few more minutes of quiet observation, I realize what else is missing: The creature standing before me is beautiful, clean and pure. Normal deer are dirty, and scruffy from surviving in the wild. But there is no dirt on this deer and not a single luminous hair is out of place on its elegant neck. The moon reflects off its perfect hide and it seems to glow as if it were made of light.
Halfway out of the bush, head turned upwards and away from me, the animal stops for a moment. I have a strange feeling that it knows I am here, but is unconcerned about my presence. It seems to be listening to something just outside my range of hearing. Head still raised, it moves gracefully out of my field of view, leaving an evergreen branch bobbing slightly in its wake. I draw in a long slow breath, almost choking as the searingly cold night air burns my lungs. The pervasive silence returns. Were it not for the line of footprints in the snow, I would not believe that the deer had been there at all. I stare at the place where the deer disappeared and find myself rising. My knees creak as I slowly straighten and hobble stiffly forward, feeling the cold more deeply now that I am no longer sheltered from the wind. I pull back the still swaying branch and begin to follow the faint footprints in the fresh snow.
As I follow the deer’s trail the woods become colder and darker. Thick foliage obscures the moon. I walk beside the prints, not wanting to mar their crisp perfection on the white powder. My teeth begin to chatter. I feel a deep ache settling into my bones, and it seems to worsen as I go deeper into the forest. I recall walks I had in these woods on colder nights than this. Back then I was a young bride, enjoying my beloved forest with Luke. But he is gone now, and the icy darkness seems to bite into me on all sides.
I realize that I’ve come to a small clearing. The moon shines brightly onto it, bathing the area in a dazzling silvery light. I am startled by the moon’s brilliance and throw up a hand to shade my face. As my eyes slowly adjust to the light, I notice a human shape in the center of the clearing, silhouetted by moonlight. I squint to make out who this might be and then gasp in surprise and wonder. It is my husband, Luke! But he has been dead fifteen years! He holds out a wrinkled hand, beckoning to me. I look down at my feet to see that the deer’s tracks have disappeared. Hesitating, I look up at the smiling figure. Then, taking a deep breath, I take the proffered hand and step forward into the light.

Good short story. Very descriptive and I can see myself walking with her and feeling what she feels. The grammar was perfect from what I could see and you were good about stinking with present tense and not swaying as some people tend to do. Anyways, that is all I have to say. You can PM me or leave me a message in my Will Review for Food thread if you need a review, I am but a click away. Au revior

Boon the Werewolf

This is a good story so far. It could do with a bit of expounding though. You go right from the main character walking in the woods to her seeing her dead husband. You need to slowly draw us in, not simply throw it in front of us. Not everybody likes a surprise.

You might also consider alluding to her dead husband. He just appears all of a sudden, like he pops out of a cake at a party, and we don't even know he's coming. There needs to be some allusion, aka foreshadowing, for him. Maybe he liked the woods, so she's walking around in his favorite place simply remembering. That's your prerogative though.

I do like your description. The way you made the deer seem supernatural, with it being spotless, was very good. Often times the best way to make something appear out of the ordinary is just like you did, making it flawless. But you might consider having her catching fleeting glimpses at first, to help with drawing us in.

This does have a lot of potential to be a good story. You just need to give it a little work and it can achieve that potential.

What happens next?! What a gripping story, and that ending intrigues me (do you plan to write any more?). I especially liked the descriptions you used throughout. I also like the way you gradually gave us more information about the woman and her life/husband etc.

As this is the edited version i don't think there were any mistakes left to point out (i couldn't see any).

Like the other reviewers I think i'm gonna go check out your portfolio now. Great work.

k

I liked how you tried to make the story enchanting and slightly magical in atmosphere. The descriptions were thorough and carefully done, but I think there are some details that are unnecessary.

Snowflakes fall to the forest floor, settling gently onto beds of moss. All is silent. The solid black sky above is dotted with tiny pinpricks of starlight and glows slightly behind a waning moon. My view is framed by swaying cedar branches. I do my best to ignore the chill seeping into my joints and huddle between the roots of a large tree. Bundled in Earl’s old coat I enjoy the winter scene despite the cold. I hope my shivers do not disturb the silence.

The opening paragraph is very well done; it's not clichéd and the atmosphere is well set up and provocative. Good job with the diction. However, there's a slight grammar problem: you should add a comma after 'coat' in the second last sentence of the paragraph.

Earl and I settled here when I was but twenty-two, and we spent much of our time walking these trails.

I think you could split that into two sentences, it feels as if you're incorporating two completely different ideas into one long line.

The deer I am used to seeing are always brown or spotted.

So she had only seen one single deer in the entire time she lived there? Or had she seen more than one? I think 'deer' should be plural.

Halfway out of the bush, its head turned upwards, away from me, the animal stops for a moment.

You forgot to tell the reader who's head is turning upward. Oh, and careful with the tense, you were awesome with present tense so far.

As I follow the deer’s trail I notice the woods becoming colder and darker. Thick foliage obscures the moon. I walk beside the prints, not wanting to mar their crisp perfection on the white powder. My teeth begin to chatter. I feel a deep ache settling into my bones, and it seems to worsen as I go deeper into the forest. The cold never bothered me so much before. I recall walks I had in these woods on colder nights than this. Back then I was a young bride, enjoying my beloved forest with Earl. But he is gone now, and the cold seems to bite into me on all sides.

Again, wonderful descriptions, but perhaps you could talk about Earl even more at this point.

I realize that I’ve come to a small clearing. The moon shines brightly onto it, bathing the area in a dazzling, silvery light. I am startled by the moon’s brilliance and throw up a hand to shade my face. As my eyes slowly adjust to the light, I notice a human shape in the center of the clearing, silhouetted by moonlight. I squint to make out who this might be and then gasp in surprise and wonder. It is my husband, Earl! But he has been dead fifteen years! He holds out a wrinkled hand, beckoning to me. I look down at my feet to see that the deer’s tracks have disappeared. Hesitating, I look up at the smiling figure. Then, taking a deep breath, I take the proffered hand and step forward into the light.

For some reason, it feels like the last paragraph implies that the little old lady died in the cold or something. D: If that's not the case, I suppose you should write more to clarify on what happened to her.

Overall, this piece is quite thoughtful, I could see you spent a lot of effort into trying to create an enchanting atmosphere. Asides from little grammar things and some little missing descriptions the reader would like to see, it's quite satisfying. Great job!

Hi guys!

Thanks for the reviews!

Boon: Thanks! If you have anything for me to review, tell me!!!!!

Conrad: I see what you mean. The original story was almost three times as long as this, but I wanted to enter it in a contest that was for really short entries, so I was forced to edit out most of it. (It is now about two pages long, double spaced, on Word) I will try to edit and make it seem a bit less abrupt.



Kobain: Thanks!


Reason: Wow, that was really helpful. I agree about all your comments about Earl, since he was actually only something I added on after I had written the piece, I didn't really have much about him. I will have to fix that. About the 'deer' thing, I think that that is plural...

If any of you guys want a review, please feel free to ask me! I don't have much material to work with at the moment.

Thanks again!
~lupis

*Ehem*

Remember, you're supposed to tell me when you post something new?

Anyway...
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Snowflakes fall to the forest floor, settling gently onto beds of moss. All is silent.

Because silence is such a strong theme throughout this piece, I suggest you switch these two sentences. The opening sentence as it is, is beautiful, but "All is silent" is such a punchy, powerful line that I think it would make a much better opening sentence.

Bundled in Earl’s old coat I enjoy the winter scene despite the cold.

I agree with Reason Invalid: there should be a comma after "coat."

I hope my shivers do not disturb the silence.

The rest of this paragraph was gorgeous, but I found this a little bit disappointing. For one thing, you've already said the words "silence" relatively recently. For another thing, the tone of this sentence is just a lot more conversational than the rest of the piece thus far, which was rather poetic. Also, the fact that she's thinking this implies two things (to me, anyway). The first thing it implies to me is that the silence is fragile -- I like that image quite a lot. But another thing that it implies is that she feels like a stranger, a visitor to these woods... to this silence. I don't think I like that image as much, because she's not a visitor, she's been living there for most of her life. So anyway -- I suggest you delete this sentence, it bothers me. ^_~

A barn owl’s screech suddenly echoes through the tree-tops above me.

I suggest you delete "suddenly." For one thing, the idea of echoing contradicts the idea if suddenness. For another thing, I don't like the taste of the word, in general. Actually, reading onwards... I'm realizing that I don't really see the point in the mention of the screech. Especially because this piece is so short, I feel like you'd be better off spending more time on important details (like what, exactly, is happening in the end) and focus a little less on unimportant details, like an owl's screech.

A branch snaps and in spite of myself, my head turns quickly, searching for the source of the sound.

I suggest you make this two sentences, by making the "and" into a period. Like this: "A branch snaps. In spite of myself, my head turns quickly, searching for the source of the sound." See? Doesn't that punch out the snap of the branch, making it more sudden and sharp? Well, I think it does anyway.

Then I notice something odd about this creature: This deer is pure white.

Hmm... I don't really like this sentence. If you do keep it, I think you should make the "this" after the colon lowercase. But I'm not sure you should keep it at all... Again, there's this almost conversational tone when you say "then I notice something odd..." Maybe if you say something like "As the creature steps into a puddle of moonlight, I notice that it is pure white."

For some reason every perfect white hair on this animal's body makes me shiver.

Heh... this sounds a little strange -- like she shivers once for each hair, or something. >.< maybe try saying something like "For some reason, the perfection of every white hair on this animal's body makes me shiver." Also, there should be a comma after "reason."

But there is no dirt on this deer and not a single luminous white hair is out of place on its elegant neck.

I don't think you need to say "white" here. We already know it's white, so just saying "luminous" would be enough... besides, it sounds better, methinks.

Were it not for the line of footprints in the snow, I would not believe that the deer had been there at all.

You may want to say "here," rather than "there." It's up to you, of course, because both of them work grammatically. I just think "here" would sound better.

I stare at the place where the deer disappeared and find myself rising.

I think there should be a comma after "disappeared."

As I follow the deer’s trail I notice the woods becoming colder and darker.

And another comma after "trail."

I walk beside the prints, not wanting to mar their crisp perfection [s]on the white powder.[/s]

That last part isn't necessary... and I don't think it sounds good.

It is my husband, Earl!

I think this would be better if you deleted "It is my husband," and just had her say "Earl!"
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Hm... Very interesting.

This was beautifully written. Your descriptions are gorgeous, and eloquent... but not too eloquent. It still feels like a thought process. In your descriptions, try to watch out for unwanted repetition. It's not a major problem, but you tend to say the word "silence" a lot. Also watch out for long sentences. In my opinion, short sentences work pretty well when you're trying to make some powerful, memorable imagery.

Another issue, I think, is that you don't really portray the passage of time. For example, how long does the deer stand there in the clearing, being watched by the MC? That was a little unclear. Especially because this is in present tense, you need to specify that -- it will help us feel like we're there in the woods.

Also, what was that at the end? It really seems like she died of cold... like the Snow Spirit took her away to join her dead husband. I don't think you need to specify what happened, because I like to be left wondering. But I do think you need to spend more time explaining how she feels in the end there. Because after reading the story, I'm left remembering the first part, with all it's imagery, really well -- but in my memory, the end is rushed and blurred. What, exactly, happened? Either spend more time on the ending, or less time on the rest of it. Maybe these pacing issues arose because you had to shorten it? I don't know...

Overall, I love the way it was written, and think it has a lot of potential. Please let me know if you edit it majorly.

Obviously, feel free to PM/email me with questions/comments, etc.

Hope this helps. And TELL ME WHEN YOU POST SOMETHING ELSE!

~Azila~

Thanks!

The first part of this was actually an old piece, I hust decided to finish it for the contest, and then realized that it was waaaay to long. I think now I'll try to fill it out a little more. Hopefully that will help with some of the pacing issues.

As for the other stuff, when I edit I will have to go through those. A lot of them were extra lines I had to add to make the story make more sense since I was deleting entire paragraphs. * Sigh * Anyway, I'll try and take everything you said into consideration.

Thanks again!

~C

I'm not going to nit-pick or anything since everyone else seems to already have done that, but also because I didn't really think anything was wrong with it.

I relax slightly when I make out the ears and delicate long legs of a deer.

This was what bothered me just a little bit. There should either be a comma between 'delicate' and 'long' or you should take out the word 'long' altogether or even replace both of them with the word 'slender' or something like that. For some reason I think it would help the story flow better.

But other than that, I think that this story was simply !!!AMAZING!!! I love the surreal feeling I got while reading it, the flawless use of present tense, the vivid description, the use of vocabulary, EVERYTHING! You're an awesome writer...Now back to your portfolio

BeLl3