Long Live the King- Prologue

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Prologue

Far, far, away, across a vast landscape of monsters and innocents, incredible dangers and even more incredible truths, spread like a worn and wise map across a table, lies the land of Ehb. And, winding its way through this realm, like a bulging vein on an old man’s hand, is the Greatwater. A swollen, roaring path of water, the Greatwater is the source of life and death to thousands of souls, and, like all important things, it is hard to believe it could have ever been different. However, the Greatwater’s origins could scarcely be humbler.

The Greatwater’s source lies far back inland, as a small bubbling pool, which then trickles down a bed of sandy gravel. Little wider than a piece of rope, its insignificance is multiplied a thousandfold by the grandeur of its surroundings: Oaklore. Thick and deeply mysterious, Oaklore may be safe for the creatures that call it home, but for a stranger, it is a harsh and perilous place. Teeming with flesh-eating trees, bloodthirsty trogs, poison-breathing toads, and a slew of other strange tribes and groupings historians dare not mention, a person could easily meet their demise underneath Oaklore’s lofty canopy.

As the Greatwater broadens, the lush forests of Oaklore give way to the barren, cracked wasteland known as Cristwind. Swirling with ghosts, spirits, and nightmares, Cristwind is governed by a wicked entity known as the Crimson King. And while his intentions are not clear, they are most definitely foul.

As the Greatwater grows steadily larger, it breaks free of the cloud-swathed grip of Cristwind, and travels smoothly through the many towns and villages that dot the grassy countryside. Once it reaches its widest point, the Greatwater arrives upon the castle of Falconreach, where the King of Ehb resides. Despite the apparent air of regal benevolence, Falconreach is a seething cauldron of rivalries, plot and counterplot, and bitter faction-fighting.

The Greatwater, now a massive force of nature, is dwarfed in comparison to the setting in which it currently finds itself: The Ageless Mountains. Enormous masses of stone, the Ageless Mountains have existed since the creation of time, and will probably exist until the end of it.

After passing through the rough terrain of the mountains, the Greatwater abruptly hurls itself off the edge of a cliff, and down into the misty void below, therefore ending its long journey.

The Greatwater. Oaklore and Cristwind. Falconreach and the Ageless Mountains. All names on a map. But behind each name lies a thousand tales. Tales that have been passed down through the ages by hand and tongue, tales which are being told even now.

What follows is but one of those tales...
Last edited by Wang Chung on Sun Aug 03, 2008 2:31 am, edited 2 times in total.




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This was pretty good. Although it wasn't that long, It seems like an interesting beginning to a fantasy story. The only thing I really have to say is that I don't think you should begin with 'Far, far away...' I say this since it is/has been used so often it's become a bit of a cliche. Otherwise, though, I liked it.
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The opening felt like a tour guide trying to explain to people on where they're going to go, what they will be sightseeing and this and that.... D: I don't know, it was nice to know those things before we start a story. I'm sure it will be nice that I won't be lost on the setting once you get into telling the story.

However.

I have to admit, it wasn't all that eye catching. I think it would be much more interesting if you incorporated all those information in the story itself. Perhaps you could tell those words through the characters' mouths, and whatnot...

There were quite some interesting imageries here and there, but some of them feel a little clichéd. Try adding something more original, perhaps.

Well, good luck with it! :)
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Far, far, away, across a vast landscape of monsters and innocents, incredible dangers and even more incredible truths, spread like a worn and wise map across a table, lies the land of Ehb.


This is supposed to be fantasy, not a Star Wars fanfic. Get rid of it and put in a better hook.


For description I would give you an A-, B+. But for keeping the readers attention I would give you an F. I had to force myself to finish because it could not catch me and make me want to read on. Also it seems monotonous (dull), so you might want to spice it up a bit. That's all I have to say. Contact me if you need more reviews and if you can't find me I am in the review for food forum. Au revior

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Hey Wang Chung, and welcome to YWS!

Okay, your description is good, but I can't help but feel that the feeling of this is, well, familiar. I just happen to have some of the Edge Chronicle books sitting at hand -I was messing around and doing some fanart earlier. Let's just take a look...

It begins:

Far far away, jutting out into the emptiness beyond like the figurehead of a mighty stone ship is the Edge. A great river- the Edgewater- pours down eldlessly from the overhanging rock. Copyright Paul Stewart and Chris Riddel, The Last of the Sky Pirates, 2002.

And your story starts:

Far, far, away, across a vast landscape of monsters and innocents, incredible dangers and even more incredible truths, spread like a worn and wise map across a table, lies the land of Ehb. And, winding its way through this realm, like a bulging vein on an old man’s hand, is the Greatwater.


And the prologue to the book ends:

The Deepwoods, the Stone Gardens, the Edgewater River, Undertown and Sanctaphrax. Names on a map.
Yet behind each name lies a thousand tales -tales that have been recorded in ancient scrolls, tales that have been passed down the generations by word of mouth- tales which even now are being told.
What follows is but one of those tales.
Copyright Paul Stewart and Chris Riddel, The Last of the Sky Pirates, 2002.

And your prologue ends:

The Greatwater. Oaklore and Cristwind. Falconreach and the Ageless Mountains. All names on a map. But behind each name lies a thousand tales. Tales that have been passed down through the ages by hand and tongue, tales which are being told even now.

What follows is but one of those tales...


Now, this could be sheer coincidence, but I doubt it. As admirable as it is that you're using other books for inspiration, this could count as plagarism. Now, by all means, literary allusion is fine, but not this. What was sheer coincidence was that today was the day I chose to try some fanart, and I had the books to hand, but even if I hadn't I would have recognized the style and the words. I love those books, I've read each one more than once.

So by all means, be inspired, but don't copy. It's illegal.

Hate to burst your bubble, and I do hope you keep writing!

-Stella x
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