Losing my wings

Blood, bones and feathers,
fall from my back.


I'm not that angel anymore
that could, walk through halls
of fire and caverns of ice,
and still hold His head high.

I'm not that guard who could stand and cry,
"You shall not lead me there!"
My sword sleeps now. My bow broken.
My arrows are spent, and I unfold.

I'm not that child who understood,
that could see both sides of a chessboard,
and walk the path between the lines.
Nothing is so simple anymore.

Now I can resist anything but temptation.
My anger, my shame, winds tight inside.
The line is taut.
Don't let it snap.

The first stanza is unneeded and purely there for aesthetic reasons, I think. Garnishes should only be used in sweets and flower decorations, get rid of it. The second stanza is clichéd. I hate saying that word, but it is... I feel like it's something I could write, and if your poem is something I think I could reproduce, that's not good. One of the purposes of poems is to express the individuality of their authors, this isn't doing you justice and you are coming of somewhat bland. Also, there's no connection between each stanza. It's little pieces of ideas that could be evolved and manifested, but aren't. (Bare with me, I'll explain it all when I am finished writing my first impression) and though you say what you aren't, you never really give a clear definition of what you are, which is another one of the main reasons this poem isn't up to your standards. I think you can do this better and if I didn't I wouldn't be critiquing you, so, ha ha.

"Blood, bones and feathers,

fall from my back."

Yes, this ties into not being an angel, but are you implying you once were an angel? That's a bit narcissistic, don't you think? Angels imply perfection and absolute innocence: "perfect little angel" is a phrase used quite frequently with children, it works if you are addressing your mother, but i don't see any familial interaction. No, it doesn't have anything to do with the other pieces of the poem. You might have started off with this segment to create the entire poem, but because from that little couplet the poem evolved into something much better, I have to say you should take it out. It seems the only think that little couplet is doing is being a very very poor crutch in case the poem can't stand on it's own, "which it can".

"I'm not that angel anymore

that could, walk through halls

of fire and caverns of ice,

and still hold His head high."

Alright, I see what you are not, but how does walking through "halls of fire and caverns of ice" while holding your head high deal with the characteristics of angels? Thinking in a biblical scheme of things, is there any document that references God testing his angels? This use of "fire" and "ice" is again....(I HATE SAYING IT) "clichéd." It doesn't have any concrete meaning, yet it floats there as if it will be understood by the reader, and it will, but it will be a terribly flat definition. You could prevent your poem from going flat here by actually using concrete words instead of a vague metaphor. "hold his head high" Where else is he going to hold it? You make it seem like it's an anomaly. You never once mention any sort of debasement towards this "angel." Nope, all you say is "halls of fire and caverns of ice" which honestly could be anything. He could be walking through an open hallway in Egypt, which would be like walking through fire, and a meat locker shortly afterward, which would technically be a "cavern of ice." You see how the vagueness here is a little trite and elementary? It seems like you were still trying to work up some motivation in the poem, kind of get the gears going, and spit that out. That's how I write too, so I can understand, but you've got to not be scared of getting rid of entire stanzas at a time, because if it's rubbish, if it's anything less than brilliant, it shouldn't be there.

"I'm not that guard who could stand and cry,

"You shall not lead me there!"

My sword sleeps now. My bow broken.

My arrows are spent, and I unfold."

Okay....when are "guards" ever led away? I think this is the wrong verb. Guards can be "distracted" they can be "tricked" they can be "bribed" but leading them away makes them come off as sheep. Soldiers can be "led" by their commanders, sheep can be "led" by shepherds, children can be "led" by their parents. Who leads guards? I suppose in the end, the main purpose of this little exercise is to point out to you that "lead" may be good or bad depending on who is leading and who is leading? I feel like the verb needs a bad connotation, but "lead" is so vague (another problem we face in this poem) which is bad when it comes to the actual purpose of the poem. Navy Reject, (I hope she doesn't mind me using her as an example) is purposely vague in efforts to inspire emotions in the reader. The purpose of her poem is to bring about emotional response without imprinting the response she got on the reader (which she doesn't like artist doing). If you are trying to do that, you've come up short because you have concrete elements doing vague things. To do that, you need vague elements doing concrete things or vague things (usually a sort of mixture) and REALLY GOOD transitioning (or it comes incomprehensible). She pulls it off, kudos, but I don't and I don't think you do either, because your poem is sturdy, but there are minor key elaborations that are missing. So it's like you've got a sky scraper that's really pretty, but when you look inside it, it's got some furniture, but not as great as you thought, and then you go to the bathroom and there's no plumbing. That's how I feel. Next stanza.

"I'm not that child who understood,

that could see both sides of a chessboard,

and walk the path between the lines.

Nothing is so simple anymore."

Is the child a savant? Because children are the most self-centered individuals on the entire planet. They only see one side of the chess board: their side. That's actually how you can tell the difference between a mature person and an immature person (their level of sympathizing/empathizing). "walk the path between the lines?" That's vague. What's that supposed to mean? Take the middle road? What if the right road is to hell and the left road is to heaven....you wanna go to purgatory? I'd got to heaven and be on that left road in a HOT minute (hot minute= southern slang for "really quickly"?). The simple part is better, but I wouldn't call chess, or taking the middle road, simple. I would call seeing things as "black or white" or "right or wrong" or following certain rules, as simple. The less boundaries, the more complex everything becomes. If that's your interpretation, that's fine. I can't complain because you are not me (a pity), just some friendly critique there that you may or may not consider (don't take it, just consider this bit).

"Now I can resist anything but temptation.

My anger, my shame, winds tight inside.

The line is taut.

Don't let it snap."

So you've turned into a bad boy. Nice. Chicks/Dudes dig the rebels. I would give you a friendly slap on the back if I was there. I like how you refer anger and shame as winds inside you because it makes me think of tornadoes which is cool. The "line" metaphor is clichéd as well so you ended it a bit flatly, sadly.

Anyway off you get some eggs, thank you for the poem to read.

YATTA!

I'm not that guard who could stand and cry,

"You shall not lead me there!"

My sword sleeps now. My bow broken.

My arrows are spent, and I unfold.

This was by far the strongest stanza in the poem to me.



that could, walk through halls

I didn't really understand the comma in this line. I felt it was an unnecessary pause and made the line awkward.



Good first attempt I think. I'd say keep going.

Hi Heeeeeero! ^^

Well, *suggestions* are in pink. Pretty, pretty pink.


Blood, bones and feathers,

fall from my back.



I'm not that angel anymore < To connect this to your above stanza I suggest adding an “and” to the start of this.

that could, walk through halls < remove this odd comma.

of fire and caverns of ice,

and still hold His head high.



I'm not that guard who could stand and cry, < I’d suggest removing the “I’m” here, we know that the narrator is indicating himself already. I’d also suggest instead of “not that” to have “no longer”

"You shall not lead me there!"

>I’d suggest a break in stanzas here.

My sword sleeps now. My bow broken. < Remove the second “my” here and move “Bow broken” to the next line, add a comma.

My arrows are spent, and I unfold. < Remove “my” and “are” here, have this after the comma in “broken” add a full stop. Take out the “and” and move “I unfold to its own line.



I'm not that child who understood, < A bit of a complete reword I would suggest would be something a little more concise such as “I have lost youth’s understanding;” Semi colon because you’re listing after.

that could see both sides of a chessboard,< Here I’d suggest using “blind to” instead of “that could see” and swap “a” for “the”

and walk the path between the lines. < I’d suggest here “No longer walking” instead of “and walk”

Nothing is so simple anymore.



Now I can resist anything but temptation. < I’d suggest removing the “now” and changing “anything to “all”

My anger, my shame, winds tight inside. < just to pretty this up a little, I’d suggest “my angry shame”

The line is taut.

Don't let it snap.


I stress that all my suggestions are to be taken however you will. I don’t mind if you don’t take them on. Poetry is so subjective like that. ^^ I love the tone and feel of the poem. There’s a silent desperation that seeps through the words and a careful bitterness in there. It’s really good. I do suggest some fixing up.

Mainly what I’m looking at is making this a little more specific and tightening up the imagery. You use contractions, which don’t feel right when I read it and you’re a fan of the longer wording than the shorter – which is cool, but not so easy to read in this particular poem.

I like this, nice work. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Yay! I love this poem! It's so deep and inspiring and stuff!

This poem was extremely applicable to me at this point in my life, and I have to thank you for sharing it. It shows so well the loss of the "black and white" world we experience as children, and how easy it is to become something we never wanted to be. While somewhat depressing, this poem is a realization that some people are too jaded to ever understand. Good job!