Mistaken Vendetta

this is just a rough draft. I plan on changing many things, so don't judge it too hard =]

(title is subject to change)




Chapter 1 – hide and seek
The air was thick with cold air, which consequently made my lungs feel like they were on fire. My legs, however, were not tired one bit, which truly was a grace from God. I tried to count how many steps I had taken since I began, but that was just simply and utterly impossible. I just concentrated on not falling or tripping onto a tree or briars or some hostile animal in this godforsaken forest. I kept pumping my legs in and out in and out. I don’t really recall when I started running, but I know I had been running for quite some time. No matter how fast or far my legs would take me; I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was being hunted. The cold windy air seemed to whisper in my ears; whispering to me one word. That word kept me going; I even increased my pace.

Throughout my childhood, I’ve always been known as a person who found something funny in pretty much everything. And even though I was simply “running for my life”, I found this moment to be quite funny. When I was a young kid, the neighborhood kids and I would all get together and play hide and seek. Well at that time I was so small and fast that I could hide almost anywhere I wanted. This made me the best hider by far. I had only been caught once, and that was only because I had fallen asleep in my spot. Now, as my heart’s pounding, as the adrenaline is pulsing through my veins, and as the wind is ruffling up my hair, I can’t help but think of that stupid simple childish game; because right now at this very moment I am playing hide and seek, but this time if I’m caught I will most likely die.

I had been running for a good while but had to take a break. I found a tree that had fallen down in the forest and sat against it trying to catch my breath. I took out a water bottle from my small black backpack that I had brought with me. As I was guzzling down the water, something came whizzing through the frosty air and had hit my water bottle. It pierced through the bottle and turned the clear water into a murky greenish hue. I jumped up and started running once again. I ran in different formations, trying to avoid being shot with whatever it was that hit my bottle. I had gotten no farther than seventy feet when I felt something hit me in my neck. I had a good idea what it was, and now felt that I was doomed. I faintly detected the metallic smell from my own blood mixed in with a foul stench. I reached up and yanked out a small metallic dart that was roughly the size of my thumbnail. The tip had obviously been lased with some weird chemical. I already started feeling woozy.

I knew right then that I was going to die and that escaping was impossible, but it wasn’t like I was going to die faster this way. I figured it’d be better to be snuffed out fighting instead of feeling sorry for myself. I was sprinting full out now, but my vision started to become blurred. I fell down to the ground a few yards away. I was sucking in the air through my mouth trying to savor my short time left in existence. I heard my assailant coming up behind me. At this point, I couldn’t see anything and had to rely on my hearing. I couldn’t feel anything at all and it was the weirdest sensation. I felt as if I was nothing. The assailant gave a small laugh and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I was now near unconsciousness and death. I tried to hold on to my thoughts. I knew this laugh, and then it all clicked. This was the laugh of my killer, but more importantly, the laugh of my lover.

Hi there!

I just wanted to let you know that you need to do two reviews before posting anything. keeping a nice two to one ratio of reviews to posts. That way everyone gets a little feed back.

I think that before posting anything else you should look at the rules and guidelines, they will help.

Anything else you need to ask, just PM me, and I will do my best to help you out.



Best of luck,

OverEasy

ah sorry, didn't even see the rule page. I just immediately jumped in to submitting. Thanks for telling me.

It's a dramatic and emotional beginning that keeps the reader guessing (Where is he in the second chapter? Why is he being chased? And who is the screaming woman?)

Near the end, it says, "It was distorted, as if it was like an echo". This is a little jumbled-saying either "as if it was an echo" or "like an echo" would be much better. Make sure you don't make it too over-emotional and angsty, because that can get pretentious.

Overall, you've got a very good start going here.

Hey kevinxd18,

This was really good! I loved it! You have great descriptions and this flows really well.

One thing that I caught though:

The assailant gave a small laugh and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I was now near unconsciousness and death. I tried to hold on to my thoughts. I knew this voice, and then it all clicked. This was the voice of my killer, but more importantly, the voice of my lover.

The person laughed, they didn't say anything, so how could he know what their voice was like. How about instead of

I knew this voice, and then it all clicked. This was the voice of my killer, but more importantly, the voice of my lover.

Try "I knew this laugh, and then it all clicked. This was the laugh of my killer, but more importantly, the laugh of my lover."

But, if you don't want to change voice to laugh, have the killer say something, anything. It could be extremely important or something unintelligible such as "hello".

I really like the Hide and Seek paragraph, good job with that.

I look forward to reading more,
~Onceuponatim3xo

Very interesting. It was well written. Simply written, but well done nonetheless. I enjoyed how you gave us a glimpse of the second chapter, giving us a peek at what's to come.

There were some sentences that were a little strange, however. Most of them have been pointed out already, but there is one that continues to bug me. "This was the voice of my killer, but more importantly, the voice of my lover."

Before this sentence, you have already established that he was being followed, so we immediatly associate the voice the killer. You don't need to poin that out. Plus, I think it's much more dramatic to say, "It was the voice of my lover."

Anyway, really intriguing. I hope you keep it up!

P.S. The review/post ratio is 2:1, so get cracking on those reviews!

Thank you all for the wonderful feedback. I didnt even notice the whole "i heard the voice" even though the woman laughed. I kind of have a rough outline for chapter 2 with how i want it to go down, but just need to type it out. More to come soon

i really like the story. its suspensful, simply written, and and left me wanting to read more. there's just a few things that bothered me, nothing major. in this sentence for instance:
I don’t really recall when I started running, but I know I had been running for quite some time.[/b]

like i said, its nothing major, i just don't like how you use "running" twice. maybe you should switch it with another word a second time. you use the word a lot, to obviously establish that the character is running, but you might want to change some of the words.
other than that i think the story's really good so far.

Well, i wrote this a long time ago and felt unusually inspired tonight and finished my chapter 2. check it out.

Chapter 1 – hide and seek
The air was thick with cold air, which consequently made my lungs feel like they were on fire. My legs, however, were not tired one bit, which truly was a grace from God. I tried to count how many steps I had taken since I began, but that was just simply and utterly impossible. I just concentrated on not falling or tripping onto a tree or briers or some hostile animal in this godforsaken forest. I kept pumping my legs in and out, in and out. I don’t really recall when I started running, but I know I had been running for quite some time. No matter how fast or far my legs would take me; I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was being hunted. The cold windy air seemed to whisper in my ears; whispering to me one word. That word kept me going; I even increased my pace. The night air should feel good on his lungs. I'm a runner, and trust me, when it's cold and you're heaving up a storm - it feels really good. Also, if he's been running so much, then wouldn't he be tired? Can't he climb a tree and rest? People can run for only so long.The three last italicized sentences are pretty good, except that they are exactly the same format. Just change it up a little.

Throughout my childhood, I’ve always been known as a person who found something funny in pretty much everything. And even though I was simply “running for my life”, I found this moment to be quite funny. When I was a young kid, the neighborhood kids and I would all get together and play hide and seek. Well at that time I was so small and fast that I could hide almost anywhere I wanted. This made me the best hider by far. I had only been caught once, and that was only because I had fallen asleep in my spot. Now, as my heart’s pounding, as the adrenaline is pulsing through my veins, and as the wind is ruffling up my hair, I can’t help but think of that stupid simple childish game; because right now at this very moment I am playing hide and seek, but this time if I’m caught I will most likely die. The italicized funny should be changed to ironic. But that's only my opinion.

I had been running for a good while but had to take a break. I found a tree that had fallen down in the forest and sat against it trying to catch my breath. I took out a water bottle from my small black backpack that I had brought with me. As I was guzzling down the water, something came whizzing through the frosty air and had hit my water bottle. It pierced through the bottle and turned the clear water into a murky greenish hue. I jumped up and started running once again. I ran in different formations, trying to avoid being shot with whatever it was that hit my bottle. I had gotten no farther than seventy feet when I felt something hit me in my neck. I had a good idea what it was, and now felt that I was doomed. I faintly detected the metallic smell from my own blood mixed in with a foul stench. I reached up and yanked out a small metallic dart that was roughly the size of my thumbnail. The tip had obviously been lased with some weird chemical. I already started feeling woozy. Oh, so he's taking a break here. Okay then. I don't like woozy at the end of the paragraph. It sounds weird.

I knew right then that I was going to die and that escaping was impossible, but it wasn’t like I was going to die faster this way. I figured it’d be better to be snuffed out fighting instead of feeling sorry for myself. I was sprinting full out now, but my vision started to become blurred. I fell down to the ground a few yards away. I was sucking in the air through my mouth trying to savor my short time left in existence. I heard my assailant coming up behind me. At this point, I couldn’t see anything and had to rely on my hearing. I couldn’t feel anything at all and it was the weirdest sensation. I felt as if I was nothing. The assailant gave a small laugh and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I was now near unconsciousness and death. I tried to hold on to my thoughts. I knew this laugh, and then it all clicked. This was the laugh of my killer, but more importantly, the laugh of my lover. If he has just rested two seconds ago, he's still going to be out of breath.

Hope this helps!

MJ

kevinxd18 wrote:this is just a rough draft. I plan on changing many things, so don't judge it too hard =]

(title is subject to change)




Chapter 1 – hide and seek
The air was thick with cold air, which consequently made my lungs feel like they were on fire. My legs, however, were not tired one bit, which truly was a grace from God. I tried to count how many steps I had taken since I began, but that was just simply and utterly impossible. I just concentrated on not falling or tripping onto a tree or briars or some hostile animal in this godforsaken forest. I kept pumping my legs in and out in and out. I don’t really recall when I started running, but I know I had been running for quite some time. No matter how fast or far my legs would take me; I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was being hunted. The cold windy air seemed to whisper in my ears; whispering to me one word. That word kept me going; I even increased my pace.

Throughout my childhood, I’ve always been known as a person who found something funny in pretty much everything. And even though I was simply “running for my life”, I found this moment to be quite funny. When I was a young kid, the neighborhood kids and I would all get together and play hide and seek. Well at that time I was so small and fast that I could hide almost anywhere I wanted. This made me the best hider by far. I had only been caught once, and that was only because I had fallen asleep in my spot. Now, as my heart’s pounding, as the adrenaline is pulsing through my veins, and as the wind is ruffling up my hair, I can’t help but think of that stupid simple childish game; because right now at this very moment I am playing hide and seek, but this time if I’m caught I will most likely die.

I had been running for a good while but had to take a break. I found a tree that had fallen down in the forest and sat against it trying to catch my breath. I took out a water bottle from my small black backpack that I had brought with me. As I was guzzling down the water, something came whizzing through the frosty air and had hit my water bottle. It pierced through the bottle and turned the clear water into a murky greenish hue. I jumped up and started running once again. I ran in different formations, trying to avoid being shot with whatever it was that hit my bottle. I had gotten no farther than seventy feet when I felt something hit me in my neck. I had a good idea what it was, and now felt that I was doomed. I faintly detected the metallic smell from my own blood mixed in with a foul stench. I reached up and yanked out a small metallic dart that was roughly the size of my thumbnail. The tip had obviously been lased with some weird chemical. I already started feeling woozy.

I knew right then that I was going to die and that escaping was impossible, but it wasn’t like I was going to die faster this way. I figured it’d be better to be snuffed out fighting instead of feeling sorry for myself. I was sprinting full out now, but my vision started to become blurred. I fell down to the ground a few yards away. I was sucking in the air through my mouth trying to savor my short time left in existence. I heard my assailant coming up behind me. At this point, I couldn’t see anything and had to rely on my hearing. I couldn’t feel anything at all and it was the weirdest sensation. I felt as if I was nothing. The assailant gave a small laugh and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I was now near unconsciousness and death. I tried to hold on to my thoughts. I knew this laugh, and then it all clicked. This was the laugh of my killer, but more importantly, the laugh of my lover.

I liked it. Although, I do feel to be a bit better we need more, much more. It did seem extremely short and would be better with being a bit longer. However, you have an excellent knack for descriptive writing. I did enjoy it, and could clearly envisage the protagonist running through the woods, so to speak. Excellent stuff

One thing I did notice is the overuse of "I" at the start of sentences. I understand that you want it to be in first-person, and that is fine (I prefer to write in third person, but imagining myself to be the protagonist - it is slightly confusing probably.) But maybe you should vary the start of your sentences a bit more. The variety would make it read even better, and make your expression a lot more clearer. Furthemore, you could use it to give even more description.

Hope I've helped! I liked it none the less!