With You

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I stayed with you. After all we’d been though together; after all of our time apart, I held you in my arms at the end. In those last moments, the one thing I wished for was time.
The shriek of the telephone shattered the near silence in my apartment. I had been trying to meditate, but wanting to strangle the screaming baby on the floor below prevented my serene state.
I picked up the phone and your voice floated to me as if it was a million miles away. It sounded and distorted, but I could never forget it. God knows, I’ve tried. “Darren?”
“Sam?” I said. “Is that you? It’s been so long. We haven’t talked since-”
“Since we broke up?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I didn’t think you’d be able to find me. I changed my phone number, moved, everything. I cut all of my ties to then.”
“Don’t pretend. You knew that if I set my mind to finding you, I could do it in a second.” There were gaps between your sentences, and they grew larger as we talked.
There was a long silence. Your breathing grew rougher while our conversation progressed, until the harsh rasping made me wince.
“Why did you ring, Sam? I told you when I left that I didn’t want to see you again. I wanted to get away from it. It isn’t fair for you to call me now. Things are just getting back to normal. I’m not afraid that there’ll be some thug waiting to break my legs whenever I leave the house because you haven’t paid for your latest fix.”
“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t resist. Darren, they found me. I thought I was being so careful, but they got to me somehow.”
The phone nearly fell as my hand started to shake and sweat sprang to my brow. “What? How? You have to get out of there right now! Find somewhere else to stay, even a hotel.
“I don’t mean they’ve just found out. I mean that they did find me, past tense. They’re gone now. There’s a lot of blood, though. I can’t stop it.”
“Oh, Sam. Why didn’t you get out? Did nobody tell you before it happened?”
“Gordon rang me and told me about it yesterday.”
“Then why the fuck didn’t you get out?” I yelled.
“Maybe I was sick of all the shit, Darren, like you were when you left. I’ve got no reason to live. Never did anything worthwhile and I never will. I couldn’t handle it anymore. They’re always there, you know? Sometimes I see them in the corners of my apartment or watching me from a car, but they’re always there and they’re always watching and I’m so scared. Every time I leave the house I see them, but now, I won’t be afraid anymore. It’s the end. I can’t feel anything, you know, but I can see the blood, and I know it’s bad. All I can think is that I’m out of it now, though. No more pain. No more pressure.”
“Sam, stop it. You’re not yourself. It’s just the drugs. You don’t want to die. It won’t make anything better. They’ll go after the people who love you, that’s how they work.”
You laughed then, a short bark. “There’s no one left, Darren. No one loves me. They all left. You were the last. At least there’ll be no one to go after when I’m gone. I’ll miss you, Darren.”
“Sam, where are you? I’m coming over now. You need help. I’ll take you to a hospital.”
“No. No hospitals. I’m too far gone.”
“Okay. Just give me the damn address. I want to see you one last time. Please?”
You sighed again, then mumbled the address. “Okay. I’ll be there soon. Hang on until I get there, Sam. You can’t die.”
“No promises.” The line went dead.
It’s amazing. Just as I had started sorting my shit out, you called, and everything came back to me. I rushed out of the door, and jumped into the car.
The stars in the night sky twinkled without a single cloud to conceal them. I stared at them as I raced through the back alleys toward your house, hardly paying attention to the roads.
It was the scummiest place I’ve ever seen. It would be nice if I could say you died in beautiful surroundings, but the place was a shithole. I didn’t have to knock on the front door, because it had been knocked off its hinges. I stood outside for a few moments before entering.
You were lying in the middle of the floor, clutching at your stomach. A pool of blood surrounded you, tendrils groping for my shoes. I choked down the tears and sat down beside you. The blood soaked into my clothes, but I was almost oblivious to it as I stared into your face.
At least they didn’t touch your face. You were still as beautiful as ever, even with your eyes becoming glassy. You were smiling up at me. Your arm reached up and rubbed at my cheek, leaving a trail of cold blood. I shivered. “Hey, Sam.”
“You’re going to call the hospital, aren’t you?”
I shook my head. “No. You were right. Even if I took you now, we wouldn’t make it.”
“You shouldn’t be here,” you said. “They’ll find your fingerprints or something everywhere, and say that you did it.”
“I don’t care,” I said, and moved you gently until you were propped up against me, your head resting in my lap. “I had to see you again.”
“That’s all right with me. I’ve missed you. I always wished that you hadn’t left. Maybe things’d be different.”
“No. They wouldn’t have changed. It would have always ended up this way, even if the road was a little different. You always were too much of a man. You’d never ask for help.”
“I guess so.” He sighed. “Do you regret it? Us, I mean?”
“No,” I said. “I loved you more than anyone else. Everyone’s screwed up somehow. Your flaws were just more obvious, I guess.”
“You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”
A tear fell onto your face, and I wiped at my face. “Yeah, lot of good I did.”
“You couldn’t stop this. No one could. But while we were together, those were the best days of my life. You being here now kind of makes it all right.”
“Nothing makes this all right. Who did this to you? Was it Jimmy’s guys?”
“Jimmy came to finish me off himself. I guess he wanted me to suffer for a while. I’ve screwed him out of a lot of money over the years. Now he’s never going to see it.”
“What if the drugs wear off before you – go?” I bit my lip as I looked down at you.
“I don’t think it’ll be much longer. If it is, could you – you know, help me along?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“It is. Please, do it now. I can’t just wait for it.”
“Is it starting to hurt already?”
“Started a little while ago. Not bad yet.”
“You asshole! Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to go yet. I wanted to look at you for a while.” As I stood, I supported your head with my hands, laying it back on the ground.
“You’re an idiot. How do I do this?”
“Get a pillow. It shouldn’t take long.”
I came back with a pillow a few seconds later. I knelt over you and stared into your eyes. “Are you ready?”
“I’m ready. Thank you for everything, Darren. I love you.”
I nodded and pressed the pillow against his face, trying to stop my tears. You struggled for a few seconds before going still. I pulled it away and stared at your face again. You looked peaceful, at least. Your eyes were closed, and that smile was still on your lips.
I wish that I had gone back sooner. I’m sitting here now, at your gravestone. There was no investigation. I wonder how much Jimmy paid the police. A hundred thousand, at least, I reckon.
Whatever it was, it wasn’t worth your life. I go over our conversation again and again, and now I can’t help but think that I could have prevented this somehow. Every time I remember you, I wish that I had tried harder. I loved you.
I love you.

Well, this was a somewhat spur-of-the-moment type story. It kind of morphed as it went. I tried to fix up anything that's inconsistent, but there may be a few odd things floating about. I appreciate any comments. :)




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Hey, Matty. :)

Wow, odd indeed. I'm more confused than touched. Nonetheless...

Insomnia wrote:I stayed with you. After all we’d been though together; after all of our time apart, I held you in my arms at the end. In those last moments, the one thing I wished for was time.

Nice beginning. Kinda puts me at the end in the beginning so I immediately have a curiosity strike.

Insomnia wrote:It sounded and distorted, but I could never forget it. God knows, I’ve tried. “Darren?”

A missing word after "sounded"? Or ommit "and"? "Darren?" should be put in the next line if you don't want me to mistaken it as the MC speaking.

Insomnia wrote: “Since we broke up?”
“Yeah,” I said.

I've got an idea that Darren actually doesn't like the break-up, so I was just thinking it'd be nicer if he had a short pause before saying yeah to Sam's rather direct statement. But...just a thought.

Insomnia wrote:“I cut all of my ties to then.”

To then? I'm not clear what that means. But I suppose it refers to since they broke up.

Insomnia wrote:There was a long silence. Your breathing grew rougher while our conversation progressed, until the harsh rasping made me wince.

I find it odd to mention silence and then after that mention conversation. Probably arrange the second sentence elsewhere, after a dialogue?

Insomnia wrote:“What? How? You have to get out of there right now! Find somewhere else to stay, even a hotel.

I didn't like this dialogue. Too rushed, too...forced. I think the exclamation mark is unnecessary. "Even a hotel" doesn't make much sense to me; even if it's a hotel?

Insomnia wrote:“There’s a lot of blood, though. I can’t stop it.”

Blood? How from where? I continued reading in hopes for an answer, but I remain questioning.

Insomnia wrote:“Did nobody tell you before it happened?”

Is somebody supposed to tell?

It'd be nice if in between Sam's long dialogue you add a little description. Just a suggestion.

Insomnia wrote:It was the scummiest place I’d ever seen.

Insomnia wrote:Your arm reached up and rubbed at my cheek, leaving a trail of cold blood.

Cold blood? Not warm?

Insomnia wrote:A tear fell onto your face, and I wiped at my face.

Repetition of "face". And I wiped at mine?

Insomnia wrote:A hundred thousand, at least, I reckon.

I'd ommit the first comma.

Insomnia wrote:I love you.

I assume you're emphasising the change from past tense to present tense. Well, it didn't point out so nicely, I read it twice before noticing.

Some things I'm wondering:
1. Is Sam male or female??? I thought it was female from the beginning with you mentioning the baby and all but...later on you used "he" and I became utterly confused. What more with Sam as a unisexual name (though I'm pretty sure it's female).
2. The blood. Is it because of Jimmy? If so, what did he do?
3. This may seem silly but...Darren suffocated Sam just to stop the pain, or is there something else I'm missing? I wouldn't have the will to do that to someone I loved even for that reason.

Well. This wasn't badly done. Even as a spur of the moment. You could add a little description here and there to give some feeling. Also, as I understand, Darren has to be sad at Sam's death, so I don't agree with the usage of bad words in the piece, excluding the dialogues. It makes him sound like he's angry at Sam even after Sam's death. And there isn't much reason to be angry, anyway.

Could there be a mention of the baby at the end? The poor thing sounds like such an insignificant character. ;)

Overall I fairly enjoyed it. :) It would be lovely though if you fixed up the lack of feeling, but other than that it's good. Hope I helped!

Fye




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Hey Mat.

wow, that really was spur of the moment wasn't it? I'm not going to say I'm onued though, because I think you have managed to answer most of the qestions that I had at the beginning. I do agree with Fye, you haven't explained what sex Sam is. The Hes that you have used don't tie in, as you have been wriing to he reader with Yous as opposed to hes or shes. Therefore you probably should never use the third-person pronouns. However you ould show in some other way what sex Sam is. You could describe him/her, f it was abgirl you could obviously mention her breasts, or for a man you could talk about his masculine features or perhaps his stubble, something that shows it obviously.

I actually like this type of story, the style alwas makes me think,and I think it is agood exercise for a writer when it comes to characto development or the use of dalogue. You have done both of these quite well. However in these stories, you also eed to e able to make it obvious what you are talking about, because alot of people only become confused. In this story I have not been able to discern who the "People" are that hurt Sam, or who Jimmy is. You havn't explained it clearly enough. I'm thinking that it might be the drug dealers or somethig related to that. also I'm not entirely sure what the whole situation with the drugs is. You've mentioned them a few times, but I'm not sure whether the MC is on them, whether he's quit, or whether he was ever on them.

Also at the end, I did not know that he was going to kill him until he did it. That came as a shock. Make it clear.

Overall though, I really like this, and you should work with it and develop it, maybe you'll get an idea for a proper story from it.

cheers,
Tamora
It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink.
- Terry Pratchett, "Monstrous Regiment"




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Hey Insomnia!

After all we’d been though together

Small typo. "Through".

It sounded [s]and[/s] distorted

Typo.

“Sam?” I said. “Is that you? It’s been so long. We haven’t talked since-”
“Since we broke up?”
“Yeah,” I said.

You say said twice in this short amount of time. Perhaps spruce up the dialogue by adding another tag, there are MANY subsitutes for said, all giving a better image of your character's response.

“Oh, Sam. Why didn’t you get out? Did nobody tell you before it happened?”

He just found out that his friend is bleeding. I think he would be a little more shocked, more than to say "Oh, Sam." He would be genuinely upset, or freaking out, or unnerved in someway. You did say earlier that this person was important to him.

He, She, What?
I was very confused about genders at the beginning. I wasn't sure if Sam was a girl or a guy, so I wasn't sure if this was a heterosexual or gay couple. Which I suppose doesn't matter too much from the get go, but I still like to know the situation from the start of the story. So I think you should clarify it up on sex more at the beginning

Overall it was realistic and nicely written. I did like the story a lot - poor Sam, dead at the end. The relationship about the two of them was interesting. Maybe add a little history between the two? Right now all I know of is the sad present. If you mention happier times, it will make the morose present seem even more unfortunate. Even more heart-twisting.

Very good though. PM me if you have questions!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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I stayed with you. After all we’d been though together; after all of our time apart, I held you in my arms at the end. In those last moments, the one thing I wished for was time.

I loved the beginning. It was one of those things that hint at the ending, and makes you want to find out what's really going on.

“Yeah,” I said. “I didn’t think you’d be able to find me. I changed my phone number, moved, everything. I cut all of my ties to then.”

It seemed a bit rushed, to tell Sam that when they've just started talking after so long.

“I guess so.” He sighed. “Do you regret it? Us, I mean?”

You changed from you to he, and i got a bit confused.

I nodded and pressed the pillow against his face, trying to stop my tears.

the he thing again...

I loved you.
I love you.

I really liked how you made the character change his mind, and confirm to himself that he still loved Sam.

Overall, I really liked it. I get what you were talking about with Jimmy, but maybe thats because I've written something with that kind of drug ring / gang background before. ^__^
Though, I'm still not sure if Sam is male or female. Male could add an interesting twist, like a whole hate crime aspect to it. Female makes just as much sense, so i don't think it really matters too much.

Great piece considering its only spur of the moment. ^__^



Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain