The shriek of the telephone shattered the near silence in my apartment. I had been trying to meditate, but wanting to strangle the screaming baby on the floor below prevented my serene state.
I picked up the phone and your voice floated to me as if it was a million miles away. It sounded and distorted, but I could never forget it. God knows, I’ve tried. “Darren?”
“Sam?” I said. “Is that you? It’s been so long. We haven’t talked since-”
“Since we broke up?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I didn’t think you’d be able to find me. I changed my phone number, moved, everything. I cut all of my ties to then.”
“Don’t pretend. You knew that if I set my mind to finding you, I could do it in a second.” There were gaps between your sentences, and they grew larger as we talked.
There was a long silence. Your breathing grew rougher while our conversation progressed, until the harsh rasping made me wince.
“Why did you ring, Sam? I told you when I left that I didn’t want to see you again. I wanted to get away from it. It isn’t fair for you to call me now. Things are just getting back to normal. I’m not afraid that there’ll be some thug waiting to break my legs whenever I leave the house because you haven’t paid for your latest fix.”
“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t resist. Darren, they found me. I thought I was being so careful, but they got to me somehow.”
The phone nearly fell as my hand started to shake and sweat sprang to my brow. “What? How? You have to get out of there right now! Find somewhere else to stay, even a hotel.
“I don’t mean they’ve just found out. I mean that they did find me, past tense. They’re gone now. There’s a lot of blood, though. I can’t stop it.”
“Oh, Sam. Why didn’t you get out? Did nobody tell you before it happened?”
“Gordon rang me and told me about it yesterday.”
“Then why the fuck didn’t you get out?” I yelled.
“Maybe I was sick of all the shit, Darren, like you were when you left. I’ve got no reason to live. Never did anything worthwhile and I never will. I couldn’t handle it anymore. They’re always there, you know? Sometimes I see them in the corners of my apartment or watching me from a car, but they’re always there and they’re always watching and I’m so scared. Every time I leave the house I see them, but now, I won’t be afraid anymore. It’s the end. I can’t feel anything, you know, but I can see the blood, and I know it’s bad. All I can think is that I’m out of it now, though. No more pain. No more pressure.”
“Sam, stop it. You’re not yourself. It’s just the drugs. You don’t want to die. It won’t make anything better. They’ll go after the people who love you, that’s how they work.”
You laughed then, a short bark. “There’s no one left, Darren. No one loves me. They all left. You were the last. At least there’ll be no one to go after when I’m gone. I’ll miss you, Darren.”
“Sam, where are you? I’m coming over now. You need help. I’ll take you to a hospital.”
“No. No hospitals. I’m too far gone.”
“Okay. Just give me the damn address. I want to see you one last time. Please?”
You sighed again, then mumbled the address. “Okay. I’ll be there soon. Hang on until I get there, Sam. You can’t die.”
“No promises.” The line went dead.
It’s amazing. Just as I had started sorting my shit out, you called, and everything came back to me. I rushed out of the door, and jumped into the car.
The stars in the night sky twinkled without a single cloud to conceal them. I stared at them as I raced through the back alleys toward your house, hardly paying attention to the roads.
It was the scummiest place I’ve ever seen. It would be nice if I could say you died in beautiful surroundings, but the place was a shithole. I didn’t have to knock on the front door, because it had been knocked off its hinges. I stood outside for a few moments before entering.
You were lying in the middle of the floor, clutching at your stomach. A pool of blood surrounded you, tendrils groping for my shoes. I choked down the tears and sat down beside you. The blood soaked into my clothes, but I was almost oblivious to it as I stared into your face.
At least they didn’t touch your face. You were still as beautiful as ever, even with your eyes becoming glassy. You were smiling up at me. Your arm reached up and rubbed at my cheek, leaving a trail of cold blood. I shivered. “Hey, Sam.”
“You’re going to call the hospital, aren’t you?”
I shook my head. “No. You were right. Even if I took you now, we wouldn’t make it.”
“You shouldn’t be here,” you said. “They’ll find your fingerprints or something everywhere, and say that you did it.”
“I don’t care,” I said, and moved you gently until you were propped up against me, your head resting in my lap. “I had to see you again.”
“That’s all right with me. I’ve missed you. I always wished that you hadn’t left. Maybe things’d be different.”
“No. They wouldn’t have changed. It would have always ended up this way, even if the road was a little different. You always were too much of a man. You’d never ask for help.”
“I guess so.” He sighed. “Do you regret it? Us, I mean?”
“No,” I said. “I loved you more than anyone else. Everyone’s screwed up somehow. Your flaws were just more obvious, I guess.”
“You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”
A tear fell onto your face, and I wiped at my face. “Yeah, lot of good I did.”
“You couldn’t stop this. No one could. But while we were together, those were the best days of my life. You being here now kind of makes it all right.”
“Nothing makes this all right. Who did this to you? Was it Jimmy’s guys?”
“Jimmy came to finish me off himself. I guess he wanted me to suffer for a while. I’ve screwed him out of a lot of money over the years. Now he’s never going to see it.”
“What if the drugs wear off before you – go?” I bit my lip as I looked down at you.
“I don’t think it’ll be much longer. If it is, could you – you know, help me along?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“It is. Please, do it now. I can’t just wait for it.”
“Is it starting to hurt already?”
“Started a little while ago. Not bad yet.”
“You asshole! Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to go yet. I wanted to look at you for a while.” As I stood, I supported your head with my hands, laying it back on the ground.
“You’re an idiot. How do I do this?”
“Get a pillow. It shouldn’t take long.”
I came back with a pillow a few seconds later. I knelt over you and stared into your eyes. “Are you ready?”
“I’m ready. Thank you for everything, Darren. I love you.”
I nodded and pressed the pillow against his face, trying to stop my tears. You struggled for a few seconds before going still. I pulled it away and stared at your face again. You looked peaceful, at least. Your eyes were closed, and that smile was still on your lips.
I wish that I had gone back sooner. I’m sitting here now, at your gravestone. There was no investigation. I wonder how much Jimmy paid the police. A hundred thousand, at least, I reckon.
Whatever it was, it wasn’t worth your life. I go over our conversation again and again, and now I can’t help but think that I could have prevented this somehow. Every time I remember you, I wish that I had tried harder. I loved you.
I love you.
Well, this was a somewhat spur-of-the-moment type story. It kind of morphed as it went. I tried to fix up anything that's inconsistent, but there may be a few odd things floating about. I appreciate any comments.
