Duncan's Death

Writing in progress...more to come.

ButterFlyInk wrote: It had been a long two years that passed by;

A better way of phrasing this is: It had been a long two years had had passed by. That's just me being pernickety though, it's no big deal.

ButterFlyInk wrote: I had layed down in bed that night wide awake, wondering if things were going to be better.

It's not 'layed', its : "I had lain down in bed that night, wight awake, wondering if things were going to be better.". "to be better" is a bit childish, what about: "Wondering if things were going to improve or whether they would just stay the same".

Sleeping at night is hell in itself; the memories of him crumpled up like a piece of paper, in the metal entanglement of what was left of my car still haunted me.

I absolutely LOVED THAT sentence. Keep it!

"I missed you too Ray." were the last words I ever heard from him.

Chilling!

I really liked this. To improve, put more feelings in, and a lot more description, or it sounds like a diary entry, which have less adjectives, etc...

Hey Buttefly!

Duncan had fought with me about dad's case, he didn't think that dad was innocent like I did

You need a connector besides the comma, like "and" or perhaps a semi-colon.

if I could come pick him up from the [s]the[/s] bus station the next morning

wanted to or was he coming home for other purposes

You need to rephrase this to "or if he was coming", or else it would need a question mark.

The driver that had crashed into us, hadn't been paying much attention to the road

That comma is unnecessary. Also, this paragraph is really, really long. You need to break it up into several, for easier reading.

What seemed like forever only took five minutes, I knew the end results weren't going to be good, at the end of the hill there was a thick forest

This is a run on. You need to split it up, like so: "What seemed like forever took only five minutes. I knew the end results weren't going to be good; at the end of the hill there was a thick forest"

You need to add more details on your characters. I don't know anything about your MC, except he has a dead brother. I don't know what he looks like, I don't even know where he is. You need to fill him out, give him detail, give him life. Right now, all he has is regret.

It's very short though, and I have nothing else really to critique. Hope I helped! Happy writing~

~ Clo

Nit-Picks

The last time I saw Duncan before the accident was the night of our father's arrest. Duncan had fought with me about [s]dad's [/s]Dad's case[s],[/s] ; he didn't think that [s]dad[/s] Dad was innocent like I did.

come pick him up from[s] the[/s] the bus station the next morning.

I had [s]layed[/s]laid down in bed

unexpectedly; [s]One [/s]one moment we

bonding and having a good time, [s]to [/s]the next being thrown

I never [s]known [/s]knew that cars

What seemed like forever only took five minutes, I knew the end results weren't going to be good, at the end of the hill there was a thick forest.

That all needs to be reworded and repunctuated.

"I missed you too Ray,[s].[/s]" were the last words I ever heard from him.

Overall Comments

So! This is… decent, but confusing?

How do these two parts connect? Is the second the MC picking up Duncan? If so, make that more obvious. And it says four years, yet in the first only two?

Also, the first part sounds like a girl, and if it is Ray, we need to know that it's a guy.

And why did the MC welcome Duncan back so easily? Did (s)he ask any questions? What was (s)he thinking about? Feeling?

Right now, this is all telling. You need to show us what's going on. The first part is fine as it is, but the next part needs to be shown. Or you can ditch the first part and just hint at it throughout the story and keep the second part the same. I can't really critique this as is, because there's no story. Just a list of events.

PM me for anything at all.

~JFW1415

Heya ButterFlyInk,

Duncan had fought with me about dad's case, he didn't think that dad was innocent like I did.

Instead of a comma after case, use a semi colon.

the the bus station the next morning.

Cut one of the 'the's

layed

Laid.

unexpectedly; One

Uncapatalize the 'o' in 'One'

I never known that cars

Change 'known' to 'knew'

crashed into us, hadn't

Take away that comma.

"I missed you too Ray."

Change that period to a comma.

Dramatic ending, I liked it.

Keep up the good work.

-Sadie