Looking after Mum

Had to repost this later on due to lack of replies.

Hey Castles

First of all, welcome! I can see that you joined recently and I'm sure you'll like it here!

If I'm being completly honest with you, there wasn't anything in this chapter which jumped out at me. It sounds like it would be a good story but there's just nothing to hook me and compell me to want to read more- nothing to make this book stand out from any others. It seems like the kind of book which I could easily put down and forget about. To me, it seems a bit too cliche and predictable.

However, I did like your writing a lot. I thought you had a good tone established for the narrator and it gave me a good feel of the kind of person your Main Character is (but you told us too much too soon. You should describe the character and her life more gradually so that it leaves me wanting to find out more about her. With what was here I felt that I knew enough already about her and her relationships with other people and I didn't have the feeling that I wanted to read on and find out more. For example her relationship with her mother. Don't tell us that her mother is quite distant from her. Show us with the way they interact and speak to each other. Fair enough mention she was closer to her dad but don't directly tell us much more information than that. Don't give us the extent of it, that's what you should show us...Sorry I went off on a bit of a tangent there )

There were one or two other things which I noticed...

I wasn't overly-keen on the opening. Those kind of openings are quite overdone, but I do also think they can be quite effective if they are done well.

I know...imagine...imagine ourselves back , way back, four years ago, when I was twelve years old

Personally, I think you should break this sentence up a bit, something more like:

I know. Imagine. Imagine ourselves back. Way back, four years ago, when I was twelve.

The short sentences make it much more sharp and give more of an impact. The continued one line makes it seem a bit 'airy-fairy' (for lack of a better word)

also, does the maths lesson somehow link to the rest of the story? Because you say:

where it all started. And it all started with a maths lesson.

But does it? It seems like the maths lesson is just an event that's part of her day-to-day routine and nothing particulary out-of-the-ordinary which sparks off something else. Maybe instead of 'maths lesson' say something more like

'And it all started with a normal day,' and then add on: 'as these things often do.' or 'as these things seem to'
(or something similar) just because 'a normal day' or whatever sounds a bit overdone and cliched so add something to make it less so. Or add something which acknowledges the cliche in an indirect/subtle way.

seatBaby!

I wasn't too sure what was meant by this, unless it was a typing error?

Oh no. I'd been spotted

the 'Oh no.' here sounded slightly childish to me. I think it would sound better replaced by something which shows that she's been spotted. Something which the MC does, like groaning to herself or looking at the ground because she realises she's been spotted or something like that maybe?

I mounted the stairs two at a time, escaping Mrs Brown, the ground floor resident, (who lives there with her husband)

You don't really need '(who lived with her husband)' it seems pretty irrelevant.

You could dream up anything by watching the windows.

I loved this line!

The only other thing which bothered me was the note at the end and what was written on it. the word 'quick' at the end. I would have thought it would have read more like: 'Go to the nearest hospital as soon as you read this.'

And also 'the nearest hospital.' I would assume that's where her parents are so I think it would make more sense to name a hospital for her to go to.

Aside from those things there wasn't anything else in particular which stood out for me as maybe changing. I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh but I hope this helped a little bit. feel free to pm me if you have any questions and if you'd like me to look at your other chapters let me know!

sofi.

Thankyou very much (:
As you can see I've edited it according to what you suggested.
I know this hasn't got great potential for a novel but it is just a challenge for me to improve it, so thankyou.

Sarah

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"Fill your papers with the breathings of your heart"