Thanatos

This is a story based on the concept I came up with for my very first NaNo, way back in '03. I was 15 at the time, and the story was really kind of crappy. If you're interested, this is a link to the original edition, which only got to be about three chapters long. Never mind the Geocities username. Some things just seem a lot cooler at 15 than they do at 20.

Anyway, I'm revisiting the concept for a story contest in the CIA group. Enjoy.
Rated R from some foul language and, well, death.

----------

Aaron Hunter was dying.

Everything had happened so fast. One moment, the slender 19-year-old had been crossing the street, in accordance with the blinking "walk" signal, and the next he was on the ground, wondering what in God's name had just hit him. In retrospect, he could hear the squealing of brakes and the shrieks of other pedestrians; he could see the green truck bearing down on him. Then, for what seemed like forever, there was nothing but pain.

No more than a few seconds could have passed between the impact and the moment Aaron's consciousness had collected itself, for he could hear anxious voices above him:

"Oh my God, is he dead."

"Jesus Christ!"

"Somebody call 911! Does anyone have a cell phone?"

Someone was vomiting nearby. Aaron could hear the retching and smell the sourness. There was another scent, too, rolling over him in waves: the reek of alcohol and stale sweat.

A drunk driver? he wondered, his thoughts floating through a vague haze that now separated his conscious mind from the pain that had previously overwhelmed him. Really?

"Are you drunk? You son of a bitch, look what you've done!"

"You deserve to be behind bars!"

"Don't let him go anywhere! The ambulance is coming and the cops are on their way!"

"Is the kid gonna be okay?"

It really is a drunk driver, Aaron thought. Somehow, he found the whole situation amusing, though a moment's thought would certainly tell him that this was most likely due to shock. I wonder if I'm going to die. I never thought it would be like this!

The mental fog was beginning to overwhelm the young man, dragging his mind down through a swirling pool of darkness to whatever afterlife might await him.

In the very instant that Aaron felt his last, tenuous grip on life slipping away, he found himself trapped in what seemed like a net of silver light, something that must have existed only in his mind, for it could not possibly have manifested in reality. As the metallic strands twined themselves around his spirit and buoyed him up from the depths of death, he heard a resonant voice rising from the meaningless babble of the onlookers' words.

"I am a doctor. Let me see him."

Then, a slight rush of air, and warm hands were touching Aaron's cold flesh, searching for a pulse. After several long moments, the voice spoke again:

"It is no use. This boy is dead."

Oddly reassured, Aaron relaxed, letting the soft illumination of the net cradle him as his consciousness slipped into peaceful oblivion.

-----

When next Aaron came into awareness, he felt warm and safe, and very much alive. If anything, he thought, his body felt more vigorous and whole than it ever had before the accident. Had there been an accident? Had he merely been dreaming? With these questions on his mind, the boy opened his eyes to the gentle yellow glow of manmade incandescence. He was in a small room he didn't recognize, with no other furnishings than the cot on which he lay, though a small pile of clothes rested beside him on the floor. There wasn't even a window, just a wooden door.

Sitting up and shoving aside the thin quilt that covered him, Aaron took stock of his physical condition. Everything seemed to be in working order. He wasn't even bruised, which he could see clearly, for the only scrap of cloth on his body was a pair of plain white boxers. Disturbed, he dressed himself in the provided clothes, and his mind was not eased when he discovered that they fit him perfectly. He had just finished buttoning the jeans and was adjusting the white t-shirt when the door opened and a stranger entered.

Aaron was immediately on the defensive, and observed this newcomer with wary eyes. It was a man, perhaps a few years older than Aaron himself, and about as nondescript as it was possible for a person to be. The only distinguishing feature Aaron could observe were the man's eyes, which were a watered-down shade of grey that could have passed for a very pale blue.

"What the hell is going on," Aaron demanded.

"A valid question," the stranger replied as a hint of a smile tickled the corners of his lips. First, let me introduce myself. My name is Silas, and I am the one who rescued you when you were killed by that truck."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"It will, in time. If you will come with me to the kitchen, you may eat the breakfast that I have prepared for you. I do not know what you prefer, so I chose the typical American fare of scrambled eggs with bacon and toast."

Aaron hated to admit it, but his curiosity had been aroused beyond denial, and he was hungry. Bemused, he allowed Silas to lead him downstairs and serve him a steaming plate of food.

As Aaron tucked in with a healthy appetite, Silas settled into the chair opposite his guest and steepled his fingers, observing the boy as though he were considering how best to proceed. So far, Aaron had taken the situation with surprising good grace, but there was no telling how he would react when he had recovered enough to take in the full situation.

"Tell me, Aaron," the man said, finally. "What do you know of death?"

Taken aback, the teen paused in his eating to survey his host once more. "What do you mean by that?"

"What is your understanding of the afterlife. What do you believe happens after death?"

"Well," Aaron took another bite as he considered the questions. "I guess I always thought you'd go to heaven or hell, y'know? I was raised Catholic. Never really thought about anything else. Oblivion, maybe?"

Silas shook his head. "Death is a very personal experience for a human being. Each perceives that which they expect."

"Am I dead?" Aaron spoke casually, but his heart pounded in his throat as he awaited an answer.

"No," Silas replied, and Aaron's body relaxed in sudden relief as the older man continued. "You came very near to death, but I brought you back into the land of the living."

"Not that I don't appreciate it, man, but why? What do you want from me?" The boy's tone was suspicious.

"Do you believe in ghosts, Aaron?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Do you?"

"Sure, I guess. Why?"

"Vampires?"

"No, that's just movie stuff. Are you gonna tell me what's going on here, or what?" Aaron piled some of his eggs on the slice of toast and took a hearty bite.

Silas sighed. "Very well, Aaron," he said. "I will attempt to explain this to you in a way that you may understand."

"I'm not stupid," Aaron grumbled through his mouthful, but allowed the older man to continue.

"In this world, each living being is scheduled to die at a certain time and place, as predetermined upon birth. For most animals and all plants, this is not a great concern. They live, they die, they face their oblivion. In the case of human beings, however, the situation becomes more complicated. We, too, must die upon our schedule, but men have become far too clever in seeking to cheat this fate."

"Who tells everyone when they're gonna die?"

Silas shrugged. "It is foreordained. Beyond that, I do not know. Perhaps it is a god, or perhaps a mathematical equation. I can tell you nothing more."

"So what does all this have to do with me?"

"I will tell you. Listen. Now, humans have learned to cheat death; through the art of modern technology, they are able to extend their lives artificially, and through the practice of what you might call magic, some are able even to return from the dead."

"Magic? I'm not buyin' it." Aaron folded the toast over so he could get a better bite. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been this hungry. Guess dying'll do that to a person, he thought, and nearly choked in his amusement.

Ignoring the teen's minor antics, Silas continued his explanation. "Yes, magic, though I use the term only for lack of a better word. Perhaps 'force of will' would be more appropriate. Much of the human brain remains untapped, despite a modern obsession with its function, and therein lies a great deal of power. In any case, this leads to such anomalies as ghosts, vampires, reincarnation. Many men that should be dead are not, whether it be because they will not allow themselves to die, or because they have found a new life after death."

"You'll understand if I find this a little hard to believe, there, Silas," Aaron commented as he scraped the last few scraps of food from his plate.

"Of course. I found it difficult, myself, when I first heard it two hundred years ago and more."

"No way you're two hundred. If you are, what does that say about your 'predetermined time of death,' huh?"

"Patience, Aaron. Certain individuals - and this is rare, perhaps one in a century at most - are born without a sealed fate. They are called 'Indeterminates,' and this is where you come in, as do I. This is the important part, so please do not interrupt," Silas added, when it seemed the boy was about to say something. "I am one of these. At the age of 23, I came as close as you did this day to a final death, in a hunting accident. It was a foolish thing. My companions and I had dug a bear pit and I, drunk, failed to note our markings in the night and fell in, impaling myself on a spike. I do not believe my fellow hunters ever discovered what happened to me, for I was rescued and revived by a man who instructed me to call him Thanatos, and he brought me away from that place to be his apprentice, as I have done for you, this day."

"Apprentice?"

"Yes, Aaron. For I, now, and Thanatos, and I seek to pass the title on to you."

"What does it mean?"

"Thanatos is the guardian of death," Silas replied, and the grey in his eyes began to grow brighter, until it was a brilliant silver. "Immortal, powerful, master of life and that which comes after." His words took on an incantational quality, as though he spoke them by rote. "It is the duty of Thanatos to uphold Nature's balance, by extinguishing that which is meant to die, and preserving that which must live. By accepting the title, you will obtain power beyond your wildest imaginings, but with that power comes the knowledge that the fate of all life rests upon your shoulders, and yours alone!"

Eyes wide as saucers, Aaron stared up at his host, who had risen to his feet and was now clutching a pendant that had previously been concealed beneath his shirt.

"Aaron, by preserving you from your death, I have granted you this opportunity for a life that may last as long as you wish it. You must choose, and you must do so now. Will you accept this power, or will you sink back into oblivion and die, like any other?"

"I can't just decide something like that! I don't even know if I believe you, man, come on!"

"It must be now!" Silas' voice was filled with something that Aaron could only describe as power. "If you choose to accept this fate, I will be your mentor in all things until you are ready to take on this burden, but you can not change your mind until a new Indeterminate is born."

Overwhelmed, confused, and unsure of the reality of the whole situation, Aaron could do nothing but continue to stare for several moments, until Silas' unnatural voice boomed forth once more:

"Decide!"

Taking a deep breath, and praying he would not regret his decision, Aaron rose to his feet, head held high, and gave his answer.

"I accept!"

----------

Well, I meant this to be a stand-alone story, but it didn't quite work out that way. I think there'll have to be more chapters, in the future.

Aaron Hunter was dying.

Everything had happened so fast. One moment, the slender 19-year-old had been crossing the street, in accordance with the blinking "walk" signal, and the next he was on the ground, wondering what in God's name had just hit him. In retrospect, he could hear the squealing of brakes and the shrieks of other pedestrians; he could see the green truck bearing down on him. Then, for what seemed like forever, there was nothing but pain.

you have a lot of commas where they shouldn't be or need not be. also i think you should slow it down a bit, this paragraph goes quickly. I'll give you an example of what it kind of sounded like: i went to the park then i ate a donut which was brown, Also a man fell and hit the ground. Do you see what i mean? try and clear it up and remember, sometimes the more desciptive the better


No more than a few seconds could have passed between the impact and the moment Aaron's consciousness had collected itself, for he could hear anxious voices above him:


"Oh my God, is he dead."


"Jesus Christ!"


"Somebody call 911! Does anyone have a cell phone?"

Someone was vomiting nearby. Aaron could hear the retching and smell the sourness. There was another scent, too, rolling over him in waves: the reek of alcohol and stale sweat.

This is a little dramatic, someone vommited? i think you should take that out

A drunk driver? he wondered, his thoughts floating through a vague haze that now separated his conscious mind from the pain that had previously overwhelmed him. Really?

why would he question it? When you say "really?" it makes it sound like a drunk driver couldn't do that


"Are you drunk? You son of a bitch, look what you've done!"


"You deserve to be behind bars!"


"Don't let him go anywhere! The ambulance is coming and the cops are on their way!"


"Is the kid gonna be okay?"

It really is a drunk driver, Aaron thought. Somehow, he found the whole situation amusing, though a moment's thought would certainly tell him that this was most likely due to shock. I wonder if I'm going to die. I never thought it would be like this!

When your MC is thinking you should put it in Italics

The mental fog was beginning to overwhelm the young man, dragging his mind down through a swirling pool of darkness to whatever afterlife might await him.

I like what your're trying to say here but maybe you could say it like this: his mind started to fade away from the agonizing pain. soon his mind spiraled down into a deep, dark abyss while he heard the diminishing voices around him. I think that you should toss that idea around a bit

In the very instant that Aaron felt his last, tenuous grip on life slipping away, he found himself trapped in what seemed like a net of silver light, something that must have existed only in his mind, for it could not possibly have manifested in reality. As the metallic strands twined themselves around his spirit and buoyed him up from the depths of death, he heard a resonant voice rising from the meaningless babble of the onlookers' words.

I love that imagery that you have in this piece, but then again i love fantasy fiction, which that sounded like.


"I am a doctor. Let me see him."


Then, a slight rush of air, and warm hands were touching Aaron's cold flesh, searching for a pulse. After several long moments, the voice spoke again:

"It is no use. This boy is dead."

I don't think that you should say that here because it makes it seem that there is no hope for him, but then all of a sudden a paragraph down or so he is alive and better. say it like this: "his pulse is low, he has to get to the hospital fast" and then have the ambulance come and take him there, not just poof he's there


Oddly reassured, Aaron relaxed, letting the soft illumination of the net cradle him as his consciousness slipped into peaceful oblivion.


-----

When next Aaron came into awareness, he felt warm and safe, and very much alive. If anything, he thought, his body felt more vigorous and whole than it ever had before the accident. Had there been an accident? Had he merely been dreaming? With these questions on his mind, the boy opened his eyes to the gentle yellow glow of manmade incandescence. He was in a small room he didn't recognize, with no other furnishings than the cot on which he lay, though a small pile of clothes rested beside him on the floor. There wasn't even a window, just a wooden door.

WHAT!, this is a big out of nowhere change, i thoought no one was going to let them out of their sight and now he's in a wierd house? without damage to his body? are you sure this isn't fantasy fiction? or maybe this is in his mind, i'm not sure yet.


Sitting up and shoving aside the thin quilt that covered him, Aaron took stock of his physical condition. Everything seemed to be in working order. He wasn't even bruised, which he could see clearly, for the only scrap of cloth on his body was a pair of plain white boxers. Disturbed, he dressed himself in the provided clothes, and his mind was not eased when he discovered that they fit him perfectly. He had just finished buttoning the jeans and was adjusting the white t-shirt when the door opened and a stranger entered.


Aaron was immediately on the defensive, and observed this newcomer with wary eyes. It was a man, perhaps a few years older than Aaron himself, and about as nondescript as it was possible for a person to be. The only distinguishing feature Aaron could observe were the man's eyes, which were a watered-down shade of grey that could have passed for a very pale blue.


"What the hell is going on," Aaron demanded.

"A valid question," the stranger replied as a hint of a smile tickled the corners of his lips. First, let me introduce myself. My name is Silas, and I am the one who rescued you when you were killed by that truck."


"That doesn't make any sense."


"It will, in time. If you will come with me to the kitchen, you may eat the breakfast that I have prepared for you. I do not know what you prefer, so I chose the typical American fare of scrambled eggs with bacon and toast."


Aaron hated to admit it, but his curiosity had been aroused beyond denial, and he was hungry. Bemused, he allowed Silas to lead him downstairs and serve him a steaming plate of food.

I see now, he's dead!, I'm critiquing as i read so i may do this more!





I could only get to half tonight but I'll finish the rest tommorow


sorry

---Jon---

Hey there.

I can see this being a two or three part story - like you said it didn't turn out as a 'stand-alone' piece.

I really liked the storyline and the ideas you put forward about death and the Indeterminates.

A few things:

Aaron Hunter was dying

Good strong start.

Oh my God, is he dead

Needs to have a question mark at the end.

I wonder if I'm going to die. I never thought it would be like this!

I don't like the use of the exclamation mark at the end. Also, I reckon this could be split up a little bit, these two sentences. Perhaps have him contemplate the situation a bit more before he thinks sentence two.

When next Aaron came into awareness, he felt warm and safe, and very much alive.

I feel like 'next' and 'Aaron' should swap places but don't hold me to it.

Everything seemed to be in working order. He wasn't even bruised, which he could see clearly, for the only scrap of cloth on his body was a pair of plain white boxers.

I think this is a good opportunity for some description. We never really find out what Aaron actually looks like - a point that can be improved upon.

"What the hell is going on,"

Question mark instead of comma.

What is your understanding of the afterlife.

Question mark instead of full stop.

"Am I dead?" Aaron spoke casually

A bit of tiny description would be good here. Perhaps Aaron puts down his fork and swallows hard? Or suddenly feels sick at the thought of his food?

My companions and I had dug a bear pit and I, drunk, failed to note our markings in the night and fell in, impaling myself on a spike.

Some emotion from Silas would be good - a chance here for us to find out more about his looks, his feelings.

For I, now, and Thanatos, and I seek to pass the title on to you

This sentence completely confused me. I really don't know what you're trying to say.


Overall

This had an interesting storyline and created some good tension and conflict. I think that it lacks description and a little more characterisation would be good. Maybe some more literary techniques would suit this piece, as well?
If you inject some description of Silas and the kitchen in between Aaron and Silas' conversation, then your writing would appear stronger.

Let me know if you would like me to crit any more of this that you post.

All the best and keep writing,

Alainna
xxx

It should have said, "For I, now, am Thanatos."

Thanks for your review!

The beginning of this was really great. I loved the immediacy of how you put him at the point of dying before you started the story. It sounded like such a peaceful way to die, even though he was surrounded by chaos. Quite interesting. I loved the dialogue and the little details.

The second half is a little dry. The entire bit is one big infodump as you explain all about the death cycle and Thanatos and stuff. I know that you're explaining things as much for our sake as Aaron's and vice versa, but it's still a big chunk of text that is just vomiting information at us. I'd trim it down a lot. Use the bare minimum of words to get your point across. Make it really easy to digest. Maybe spread it out over a greater length of time and gradually, rather than all at once. I dunno. That's vital information, but the way it's written is just unattractive and hard to read.

Others have already nitpicked, so I'll skip that part of the reviewing process.

The concept is really interesting here and you write well. I'd like to see where this story is going to go. It's just that infodump that is making my eyes bleed.

Anyway, good luck with it. I have faith that you will figure something out. I look forward to reading more!

*thumbs up* Keep on writin'.

~GryphonFledgling

Hey Prof!

The comma and question mark things have been pointed out, so I'm going to ignore those as I read through this.

"I am a doctor. Let me see him."

That's a cliche sentence, the first one. And I can't imagine there's a crowd of people stopping others from seeing the boys body, so I don't think he'd have to ask to see him. Realistically, there's a crowd forming anyway and he could probably just push over to him.

"It is no use. This boy is dead."

That sounds too formal, it is. "It's no use."

The plot is very fast-paced. I felt it was all going by too fast, and I was being given too much information too quickly, which sort of alienated me from the main character. I never got to see into Aaron's head really, to see what he was really thinking outside of his dialogue. I think you need to get more into his head, tell us what is impression is as things happen. We know what he thinks at the beginning of the story, but then the reader sort of loses their connection with him as you continue.

The idea of "Indeterminates" is very clever!

The grammar, other than some of the odd commas and question marks already pointed out, is spot on.

Thanks for the read! PM me if you have any questions! I hope i helped

Hmm. I don't think I got across the point that I intended with the "doctor's" two lines. ^^;;; That's actually supposed to be Silas, and, if you noticed later on, he tends to speak very properly, and to avoid conjunctions. I'll have to fiddle with that one.

Thanks for the review!

Thank you for requesting a critique!
Comments in red.


-----------

Aaron Hunter was dying. Strong first line.

Everything had happened so fast. One moment, the slender 19-year-old had been crossing the street, in accordance with the blinking "walk" signal, and the next he was on the ground, wondering what in God's name had just hit him. In retrospect, he could hear the squealing of brakes and the shrieks of other pedestrians; he could see the green truck bearing down on him. Then, for what seemed like forever, there was nothing but pain.

No more than a few seconds could have passed between the impact and the moment Aaron's consciousness had collected itself, for he could hear anxious voices above him: I'm not fond of the "had" in "had collected itself". I'm not entirely sure why (yeah, I'm a huge help, right?) but I think it's just because all of this seems so retrospective. So I'd strike it, but that's just a personal preference.

"Oh my God, is he dead." Question mark or "he is dead".

"Jesus Christ!"

"Somebody call 911! Does anyone have a cell phone?" What year is this set? If it's modern day, I doubt that anyone would ask if someone had a cell phone since it's pretty much a given at this point.

Someone was vomiting nearby. Aaron could hear the retching and smell the sourness. There was another scent, too, rolling over him in waves: the reek of alcohol and stale sweat.

A drunk driver? he wondered, his thoughts floating through a vague haze that now separated his conscious mind from the pain that had previously overwhelmed him. Really? Now, I could be wrong, but I find it kind of hard to believe that someone who is just coming-to after being hit by a car would be able to smell the alcohol on the breath or clothes of a man who has just gotten out of a truck a few feet away.

"Are you drunk? You son of a bitch, look what you've done!"

"You deserve to be behind bars!" These long lines don't read as frantic as I imagine they would be. I suggest using shorter, snappier phrases for the audience. "You should be arrested!" "You son of a bitch!" Don't dwell to long on any one person, since they aren't really that important.

"Don't let him go anywhere! The ambulance is coming and the cops are on their way!"

"Is the kid gonna be okay?"

It really is a drunk driver, Aaron thought. Somehow, he found the whole situation amusing, though a moment's thought would certainly tell him that this was most likely due to shock. I wonder if I'm going to die. I never thought it would be like this! He sounds too excited about this...Perhaps it is revealed why later? It comes across as happy. He's almost giddy, actually. Shock or not, it reads oddly.

The mental fog was beginning to overwhelm the young man Aaron, dragging his mind down through a swirling pool of darkness to whatever afterlife might await him.

In the very instant that Aaron felt his last, tenuous grip on life slipping away, he found himself trapped in what seemed like a net of silver light "seemed to be", I think. "seemed like" is too distant and uncertain., something that must have existed only in his mind, for it could not possibly have manifested in reality. As the metallic strands twined themselves around his spirit and buoyed him up from the depths of death, he heard a resonant voice rising from the meaningless babble of the onlookers' words. From "for it could not possibly..." to this point, the writing gets a little messy. It reads like your philosophizing instead of just giving us the story, and the vocabulary changes from what we've seen in the first few paragraphs.

"I am a doctor. Let me see him." Okay, now is this doctor a weird spirit who speaks that awkwardly perfect English? Otherwise this would read much better as "I'm a doctor; let me see him!"

Then, a slight rush of air, and warm hands were touching Aaron's cold flesh, searching for a pulse. After several long moments, the voice spoke again:

"It is no use. This boy is dead."

Oddly reassured, Aaron relaxed, letting the soft illumination of the net cradle him as his consciousness slipped into peaceful oblivion. I like the "oddly reassured" bit, but I think it carries the line when it shouldn't have to. The rest is more of that elevated language that just seems strange in the tone of this piece.

-----

When next Aaron came into awareness Awkwardly phrased., he felt warm and safe, and very much alive. If anything, he thought, his body felt more vigorous and whole than it ever had before the accident. Had there been an accident? Had he merely been dreaming? With these questions on his mind, the boy opened his eyes to the gentle yellow glow of manmade "man-made" or "man made"incandescence. He was in a small room he didn't recognize, with no other furnishings than the cot on which he lay, though a small pile of clothes rested beside him on the floor. There wasn't even a window, just a wooden door.

Sitting up and shoving aside the thin quilt that covered him, Aaron took stock of his physical condition. Everything seemed to be in working order. He wasn't even bruised, which he could see clearly, for the only scrap of cloth on his body was a pair of plain white boxers. Disturbed, he dressed himself in the provided clothes, and his mind was not eased when he discovered that they fit him perfectly. He had just finished buttoning the jeans and was adjusting the white t-shirt when the door opened and a stranger entered.

Aaron was immediately on the defensive, and observed this newcomer with wary eyes. Mpt too fond of this last line. It takes too long to say what it's trying to say. It was a man, perhaps a few years older than Aaron himself, and about as nondescript as it was possible for a person to be. The only distinguishing feature Aaron could observe "noticed", perhaps? were the man's eyes, which were a watered-down shade of grey that could have passed for a very pale blue.

"What the hell is going on," Aaron demanded. Question marks in questions are your friends!

"A valid question," the stranger replied as a hint of a smile tickled the corners of his lips. Easier read as "A smile tickled the stranger's lips. "A valid question," he said. "But let me introduce myself..." First, let me introduce myself. My name is Silas, and I am the one who rescued you when you were killed by that truck."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"It will, I think you need a pause here: "'[It will,' said the stranger. "In time." He paused and watched Aaron and then returned to that first half-smile. "If you will come with me to the kitchen," he said, "you may..." in time. If you will come with me to the kitchen, you may eat the breakfast that I have prepared for you. I do not know what you prefer, so I chose the typical American fare of scrambled eggs with bacon and toast."

Aaron hated to admit it, but his curiosity had been aroused beyond denial, and he was hungry. Bemused Why is he bemused? Shouldn't he be highly focused on what's going on, and entirely confused by it?, he allowed Silas to lead him downstairs and serve him a steaming plate of food.

As Aaron tucked in with a healthy appetite The last paragraph has Aaron being led around like a puppy, as if he's doing things with half-awareness. Suddenly he's actively "tucking in". You need to figure out his state of mind and stick to it., Silas settled into the chair opposite his guest and steepled his fingers, observing the boy as though he were considering how best to proceed. So far, Aaron had taken the situation with surprising good grace, but there was no telling how he would react when he had recovered enough to take in the full situation.

"Tell me, Aaron," the man said, finally. "What do you know of death?"

Taken aback, the teen paused in his eating to survey his host once more. "What do you mean by that?"

"What is your understanding of the afterlife. Question mark. What do you believe happens after death?"

"Well," Aaron took another bite as he considered the questions. "I guess I always thought that you'd go to heaven or hell, y'know? I was raised Catholic. Never really thought about anything else. Oblivion, maybe?"

Silas shook his head. "Death is a very personal experience for a human being. Each perceives that which they expect."

"Am I dead?" Aaron spoke casually, but his heart pounded in his throat as he awaited an answer.

"No," Silas replied, and Aaron's body relaxed in sudden relief as the older man continued. "You came very near to death, but I brought you back into the land of the living." But didn't the man say earlier that Aaron had been killed?

"Not that I don't appreciate it, man, but why? What do you want from me?" The boy's tone was suspicious. From his words we understand that he's suspicious--no need to remind us. And it seems inappropriate for Aaron to be speaking the way he is. It's between city/teen slang and proper English, so you should think about migrating it more firmly one way or the other. For example, he says that he was "raised" Catholic, which is very proper, but then he says "man" to the doctor, which is usually reserved for friends.

"Do you believe in ghosts, Aaron?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Do you?"

"Sure, I guess. Why?"

"Vampires?"

"No, that's just movie stuff. Are you gonna tell me what's going on here, or what?" Aaron piled some of his eggs on the slice of toast and took a hearty bite.

Silas sighed. "Very well, Aaron," he said. "I will attempt to explain this to you in a way that you may understand."

"I'm not stupid," Aaron grumbled through his mouthful, but allowed the older man to continue.

"In this world, each living being is scheduled to die at a certain time and place, as predetermined upon birth. For most animals and all plants, this is not a great concern. They live, they die, they face their oblivion. In the case of human beings, however, the situation becomes more complicated. We, too, must die upon our schedule, but men have become far too clever in seeking to cheat this fate." I don't know if these words (clever, seeking, and cheat) match quite right. I'd say that they've either become "far too good at cheating" or "far too fond of seeking to cheat". Clever is a word that, too me, feels off-handed (as in something that just happens to be) while seeking and cheat are both very deliberate--you must actively seek for something or try to cheat someone.

"Who tells everyone when they're gonna die?" Again, this seems to be that mix of slang and proper speaking. "Why says when we die?" "Who picks when we're gonna die?" "Who gets to choose when everyone dies?" All of these questions would come out of different mouths. It's up to you to figure out Aaron's history in a way that will give you his.

Silas shrugged. "It is foreordained. Beyond that, I do not know. Perhaps it is a god, or perhaps a mathematical equation. I can tell you nothing more."

"So what does all this have to do with me?"

"I will tell you. Listen. Now, humans have learned to cheat death; through the art of modern technology, they are able to extend their lives artificially, and through the practice of what you might call magic, some are able even to return from the dead."

"Magic? I'm not buyin' it." Aaron folded the toast over so he could get a better bite. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been this hungry. Guess dying'll do that to a person, he thought, and nearly choked in his amusement. Yeah... I'm sorry but the line just wasn't that funny.

Ignoring the teen's minor antics, Silas continued his explanation. "Yes, magic, though I use the term only for lack of a better word. Perhaps 'force of will' would be more appropriate. Much of the human brain remains untapped, despite a modern obsession with its function, and therein lies a great deal of power. In any case, this leads to such anomalies as ghosts, vampires, reincarnation. Many men that should be dead are not, whether it be because they will not allow themselves to die, or because they have found a new life after death."

"You'll understand if I find this a little hard to believe, there, Silas," Aaron commented as he scraped the last few scraps of food from his plate.

"Of course. I found it difficult, myself, when I first heard it two hundred years ago and more." Does the "and more" pertain to what he heard or when he heard it? If it is the latter, I'd change it to "...heard it over two hundred..." and for the former "when I first heard it, and more, two hundred..."

"No way you're two hundred. If you are, what does that say about your 'predetermined time of death,' huh?" But he just explained that humans have been cheating death.

"Patience, Aaron. Certain individuals - and this is rare, perhaps one in a century at most - are born without a sealed fate. They are called 'Indeterminates,' and this is where you come in, as do I. This is the important part, so please do not interrupt," Silas added, when it seemed the boy was about to say something. "I am one of these. At the age of 23, I came as close as you did this day to a final death, in a hunting accident. It was a foolish thing. My companions and I had dug a bear pit and I, drunk, failed to note our markings in the night and fell in, impaling myself on a spike. I do not believe my fellow hunters ever discovered what happened to me, for I was rescued and revived by a man who instructed me to call him Thanatos, and he brought me away from that place to be his apprentice, as I have done for you, this day."

"Apprentice?"

"Yes, Aaron. For I, now, and Thanatos, and I seek to pass the title on to you." Fix "...I, now, and Thantanos, and I...".

"What does it mean?"

"Thanatos is the guardian of death," Silas replied, and the grey in his eyes began to grow brighter, until it was a brilliant silver. I'm not big on glowing eyes--I find them over-done--but that's a personal thing and it's ultimately up to you to decide. Just thought I'd mention it. "Immortal, powerful, master of life and that which comes after." His words took on an incantational quality, as though he spoke them by rote. "It is the duty of Thanatos to uphold Nature's balance, by extinguishing that which is meant to die, and preserving that which must live. By accepting the title, you will obtain power beyond your wildest imaginings, but with that power comes the knowledge that the fate of all life rests upon your shoulders, and yours alone!"

Eyes wide as saucers, Aaron stared up at his host, who had risen to his feet and was now clutching a pendant that had previously been concealed beneath his shirt.

"Aaron, by preserving you from your death, I have granted you this opportunity for a life that may last as long as you wish it. You must choose, and you must do so now. Will you accept this power, or will you sink back into oblivion and die, like any other?"

"I can't just decide something like that! I don't even know if I believe you, man, come on!"

"It must be now!" Silas' voice was filled with something that Aaron could only describe as power. "If you choose to accept this fate, I will be your mentor in all things until you are ready to take on this burden, but you can not change your mind until a new Indeterminate is born." Probably born and trained... Unless I'm wrong. I just don't see Aaron being trained up and then being allowed to decide to quit just as another one is born.

Overwhelmed, confused, and unsure of the reality of the whole situation, Aaron could do nothing but continue to stare for several moments, until Silas' unnatural voice boomed forth once more:

"Decide!"

Taking a deep breath, and praying that he would not regret his decision, Aaron rose to his feet, head held high, and gave his answer.

"I accept!"

-----------


Okay.

I found this interesting, and I do mean that. I'm not a vampire person, but wasn't really bothered by the hint of vampires to come. I only hope that you'll do something unique with them.

I'm most interested in your world-building concept here--I want to know more about the Indeterminates. Unfortunately, I don't really feel the same way about your characters. Silas seems like he could grow into a good character, and since he's not the MC I'd be willing to give him time, but Aaron is just odd. He doesn't sound like a teenager to me, and I'm just not drawn toward his personality. I need more vulnerability from him. I need that chance to get to know him--to get to feel how he feels. He's just been told that he's dead, and he reacts by making puns about how hungry death makes him? That's not using humor as a cover for fear or pain or grief. It's just weird.

So I'd fix, or at least think about fixing, Aaron. Silas can be the untouchable angel for now, but readers need a human to glom onto.

Let me know if you post more/edit.

Avens

Professor Rabbit!

Thank you so much for entering the CIA contest! Here's your critique for entering. If there are any issues downloading the file, PM me. I'll be sure to type one up for you. Otherwise, it's in a Word document 'cause that's how I edited the entries.

I found your story a wonderful read, really. I do hope you'll write more? I wouldn't mind reading more, anyway.

Of course, no rush. Can't rush perfection.

I spotted a few errors in characterization--mostly with Aaron. He was kind of an iffy character. And the time period was not set in stone. Be sure you know when this takes place. It'll help you with the environment and dialogue. Speaking of the latter, some of those quotes did not sound realistic. Again, just think of the time period.

Um...

Yup. This was excellent, though. Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey ProfessorRabbit!

Thanks so much for entering the CIA contest. Yours was a very nice read, and definitely original.

However, I'm a lazy bum. So I'm gonna put this in as an attachment, okay? xD

Really, PM ME WITH QUESTIONS. I was just telling Jabbs how bad this critique was - I wasn't specific. So, if you ask, I can help more. xD I don't know why, but I just... can't... get... this... right! Gah! xD

So yes. Critique attached. I is bad critter. I want points. Hm...

A lot of the critique actually came down to believability. Try playing this in your mind - let it be a whole play. That usually helps - it's easier to spot unrealisticness if you're imagining it than if you're writing it.

So... this is enough for 50 points? xD Hopefully.

Worst critique of my life but hopefully somewhat helpful is somewhat confusing critique is attached.

Thanks, and PM me when you get confused, 'cause it's gonna happen. xD

~JFW1415

ASTOUNDING BEGINNING, holy mother. I adore the realism in this story--just that he was swirling into the darkness or whatever, that was genius. This opening is mesmerizing and kept me glued to the screen! It was just like what I imagined being hit by a car and losing my conciousness would be-- "I wasn't supposed to die like this!"--and yet it didn't feel familiar, or unoriginal, or cliche at all!

After this opening, the writing begins to seem just a little unexciting, even though it is very good writing. I was horrified when I read this sentence:

"What the hell is going on," Aaron demanded.

DEMANDED? Why not said? We SEE that he is demanding an answer by his use of "hell". And then...

the stranger replied

We know he replied! Why not said? It's so simple, effective... otherwise, the constant usage of words like demand and reply and mentioned and etc. gets very annoying and redundant.

The rest of the dialogue is.. genius. I loved every line.

And the rest is... superb. Everything. I loved the story. I like your style. 98% perfect, the rest being what I mentioned above. Otherwise... the last half and the first quarter are immensely exciting and amazing. The second quarter--

but I'm rambling. A golden star for you.

Um... yeah. I tend to critique contest entries really lately. ^^

However! This was cool.

Two things first:

"Oh my God, is he dead." <-- Put a question mark.

"Yes, Aaron. For I, now, and Thanatos, and I seek to pass the title on to you." <-- "am Thanatos" not "and Thanatos."

Okay! Now that that's taken care of...

Your portrayal of Aaron was really weird. There seemed to be holes in the narrative and it didn't seem like you were drawing it out long enough. At first, I thought Aaron was completely comfortable in his new surroundings. Then he seemed to distrust Silas, which is understandable, but he didn't really distrust Silas, which I wondered at. The way Aaron thinks, the way he seems to accept the fact that he's dead (even though he's not dead) makes it seem like he thinks what he says. By him distrusting Silas, but not seeming to resist, it seems weird.

...I'm not making any sense.

Let me try to rephrase this. I don't like Silas's dialogue. I think Silas is a crafty mother-effer who is out to get this boy and destroy him. The cold, detached way he speaks, the long, unemphatic story, and the technical details he seems to want to bestow on Aaron. I don't Aaron would understand this story that Silas tells, nor believe it, and the fact that he feels helpless to Silas is strange. Like I said, he seems to think what he says. If he is truly distrustful of this man, he would ask a couple of questions first.

For instance, why me? This is a perfectly understandable question. Lots of people die. Why is he particularly chosen for this? So that question would hopefully make Silas uncomfortable and make Aaron look a bit more rebellious.

And another question that I have... how does Aaron know that he will instantly die if he doesn't accept this man? So far, he is unhurt and he's in a relatively safe environment. Why would he think, "Oh, if I don't accept this man, I will die." It doesn't make sense. At least have him say, "Prove it," or something.

I think what I'm trying to say is that Aaron doesn't resist enough. Silas is allowed to have his long, boring dialogue that hints of future sadism, and Aaron doesn't really participate, either in thought or in action. I understand that being thrown into a new situation will throw him off a bit, but it won't make him stupid, nor will it cause him to think less. So I want to see more character interaction.

And I want to see more clues about Silas. I see him as a sociopathic sadist, to be honest. I want to see how he reacts to Aaron's needling. Your dialogue does not tell me what expression is on his face, how fast he blinks, how he ignores Aaron, etc. It just shows me a block of text. And I suppose it's okay. But I don't like many science fiction novels, just because of the extreme lack of characterization and blocks of technical text. Without the human element, it's uninteresting to me.

So yeah.

About the doctor: I had no idea it was Silas. I thought it was just some throw-away character. You're going to have to play with that description to make it clear that this character is important. Try describing the voice and what makes it distinct. And describe that voice later on, when Aaron meets Silas. And have him recognize it.

"You a doctor?"

Silas looked disgusted. "No. Doctors bumble, doctors kill. I can make you live indefinitely."

I don't know... you got to describe it.

So that's my critique! It sounds a little grouchy (probably because I sort of just woke up) but it is definitely a good start! The idea sounds fun, although the vampire stuff made me raise my eyebrows a bit. To each his own!

Anyway, sorry for the lateness, and hope this helps!