sixteen

EDITED VERSION:

it doesn't have any sugar
but that doesn't mean it isn't sweet

the olden days of innocence and freedom
have fallen by the wayside
and you're left with this

a cornocupia of pressure and responsibility
never failing to remind you of your faults
never forgetting to make you fear the future

why are you left with the only one
that doesn't understand hangovers
and never wants bedroom fumbling

as indie as it is
you'd rather have shared the same as others
relished the dying months
rather than stuck in the shadows
showering paper with pointless ideas
and ripped them up, tore them apart

but you'll still raise your glass
and toast those dark ages
because you'll always have the last laugh

Ancient Chinese proverb: "He who laughs last, is slowest."

...

Okay, the real version is "He who laughs last, laughs best," if no one got that.

But, anyway, this was well worded, and it was a good, piece. I especially likethe first stanza.

The only thing that I would reccommend changing is the title. It just dosen't seem very original. There are too many number titles. If someone were to come up to a poetry expert, and ask, "Hey, have you read that piece entitled "Sixteen?," then the most likely response would probably be "Which one?"

But that's my only reccomendation. Nice work.

Great. Good concept, very well-written. Nice work.

Thanks. Well...it's the only piece entitled "sixteen" in my collection so I'll never get confused. It's a reference to the years, rather than the sixteenth poem or whatever.

Hmm.... I liked it, but not as much as your others.

but i'll still raise my glass
and toast those dark ages
because i'll always have the last laugh

I liked this closing. It was neat... gave me a cool image.

Overall, it's a good poem, but didn't really strike me in any way.

You seemed quite detached from this yourself. It was like a second-person nostalgia.

It was pretty, but it didn't leave any impact on me, nothing to contemplate later about my teenage years. The problem with this poem, for me, was that you used "me" and tried to be universal. Had all of the me's been you's it would have been better because it would have spoken to me. Now, if you use 'me' and remain personal, it can still speak to people, but being self-centered and universal rarely works, though I commend you for trying.

Wow, good tip Brad, I've just realised if I change them all to "you"s then it would be much better. I was too consumed into writing about myself, yes, and should probably change that.

I changed all the "I's" and stuff and I liked it 10 times more. But before that, I didn't feel connected at all..

I thought it's really good....reminds me of a sadness I sometimes feel, and rarely but occasionally am consumed by....and it reminded me of night, and loneliness, and staring at dying things that nobody else stares at, and it reminded me of how strange it is to be yourself when nobody else is theirselves...and it reminded me of all of my notebooks of pointless ideas, that were scrawled just so that I could scrawl something, and then it reminds me of my wonderful ideas, that in the light of further education is...just sad, just dead, idealistic and stupid. Sigh. I thought it was great.

Yeah, it's a lot better now that it's edited.