Uh, I wanted something to post, just to try it out

15 posts
Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 762
Reviews 64
Spare Change

The penny beneath the old battered sofa had lost its shine. No longer the bright reddish gold of its youth; it was a dull brown and stained green with the burden of time. At one point in its life, it had been solid and strong, able to be held and rapped from one finger to another, able to be tossed and land with a sound thud, able to save the day. It was once as lethal as a bullet but as precious as gold. But those days were long gone. The penny was worn down and literally weathering away; a thin shadow of what it had been before. It could remember the freshness of being first imprinted with the 16th president—a painful yet honorable right of passage—but it had been years, decades, even, since the day the penny was first minted, first born, from the womb of an ore of pure copper. Lincoln’s face was now thin, flattened and bent, like a forgotten tattoo on an old man. Honest Abe had not achieved any greatness by putting his likeness on its side. No one had been saved. No one had been set free. In its long life (dating over 70 years) the penny had achieved nothing, except to find the slightest amount of solace beneath a tattered cushion where no coin like it dwelt.

It scared the quarter to be under the cushion. It never believed it would be cast aside. Sure, it was slightly tarnished, but only from its constant use. It was not decaying, not stained like the penny. But times were changing. At a point in time, quarters had been as vital to any person as a dollar bill. But now, to its own sad realization, it seemed it was nothing more than a penny. The old penny was sympathetic, of course. It tried to be comforting to the new spare change. “Someone will come for you,” the penny would reassure the quarter, “they need you.” It knew how valuable a quarter was, now needed for vending machines, pay phones, and washers; places where the penny was unwanted. The penny was sure someone would look for it. Yet everyday the quarter would grieve, telling the penny of how much good it could have done the world, and how horrible it was to be doomed to be under a rotten worthless cushion. At times like these, the penny would try to be sympathetic and offer a reassuring word, even though he didn’t think the cushion, which was like a home to him, was worthless. The quarter was never reassured. It was probably because, as hard as it tried, the penny could never really understand how the quarter felt. Even though the quarter was stranded beneath the polysynthetic barrier, it was still worth something, not worthless like a penny. In time, eager hands found the quarter, and the penny was left alone again in the darkness, now, with only the company of the dark threadbare cushion above it.

It had been years since the penny had seen the light. But as it passed from one hand to the other of the small child, it could faintly remember the outside world and its purpose as a 1 cent coin. It watched intently as the child scrutinized it, breathing heavily with excitement, then smiling, and then being very serious once again; like an accountant studying his books, or a collector inspecting his final piece. The penny did its best to look impressive, to gleam in the light as it would have done so long ago, but it knew that with all its efforts it could only produce a dull brown aura. Still, the child smiled, and lifted it up into the sun, as if to intensify the effect, which it did, and, as the penny sent its orange shine cascading down to the bedazzled face of the child, it could remember the old days and was proud to have been a part of them.
“Jason, you put that down! You don’t know where that’s been!” it heard the child’s mother cry.
The startled boy jumped, and carelessly let the penny fall to the ground.
“Yes, mother.” He grunted his reply.
As the penny rested on the shaggy tan carpet, now in the open air with the sun shining upon its face, it was content, because now it finally had remembered it was worth something.



lol, I just realised right now that half of you are probably thinking "WTF? a penny?" but hey, I'm exposed right now, so be easy on me.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1395
Reviews 565
Actually, I wasn't going "what the heck." It's more like, "This is very original."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 47
Ditto. I enjoyed the story quite a bit. :)
If you want a line-by-line critique, let me know. I'm just lazy today.
Frylock, please, no books! I can't read; I'm not a loser!
-Master Shake




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 35
First, when I started to read this, I was like, WTF, a story about a penny. But after I read it, I was like, WTF, a story about a penny who just happens to be thoughtful and conscious with his own story.


The only probablem I had was very small.


The startled boy jumped, and carelessly let the penny fall to the ground.



It would read better as either:
"The startled boy jumped and carelessly let the penny fall to the ground." Comma removed.
"The startled boy jumped, carelessly letting the penny fall to the ground." And removed.
"Startled, the boy jumped, letting the penny fall carelessly to the ground." I just scrambled all of that together.



Other than that, loved it.
Duffy -- "Watch out for Jesse, he wants what he can't have."
Emily -- "Oh boy, he can have me."
Duffy -- "Figures..."




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 24
Wow, I really loved this! I enjoy writing through the perspective on an inanimate object so it's great for me to read something like this! :)

I liked how you had the quarter in there. It really shows how different the penny is from the quarter, even if they're in the same situation. Oh course, just the situation at the time. It's also nice because you can think of them in a human situation, too... that makes it really deep, though haha

I also loved the thoughts of the penny. The ending was very good! :)

Grat job and very creative idea. Keep it up!

:)
"I write for the same reason I breath - because if I didn't, I would die." -Isaac Asimov
"We read frequently if unknowingly, in quest of a mind more original than our own." -Harold Bloom




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 62
wowthis s a really cool piece. Kinda sad, but one of the most original things I've rea in ages.

if i was less lazy I'd crit more, but well done! I'm impressed ^_^
Is this bass REALLY strong enough?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
I loved this. I was in the crowd of "a penny?" but, having finished it, I am in awe. Very, very nice.

My only critique is not actually of the work, but of the title.

Uh, I wanted something to post, just to try it out


That's your title? Please, please, please change it. This piece is too good to be thrown away with a title like that, even if this was just an experimental post. Seriously, the only reason I clicked on it was to shout at you for having such a lame title. I didn't plan on actually liking the piece. I know the adage is "don't judge a book by its cover", but the truth is that a lot of people do and this particular cover is all kinds of lame.

The piece itself is marvelous. You wouldn't think that you could get attached to a penny, but you can, I suppose. I'll never look at my spare change the same way.

*thumbs up* Awesome, awesome job. Now I am off to hunt for lost change under the cushions to liberate and give purpose to.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 29
WOW. You are inspirational, reason.

You wrote about a frikin penny and the story was AMAZING. Every little word was so detailed and had me cling onto visulization.

" Lincoln’s face was now thin, flattened and bent, like a forgotten tattoo on an old man"

I loved this, because it makes so much sense, and you just made everything fit.

Write about a shoe! DO IT! It would be a hit! You need to write a book about objects! Something like that sounds boring , but you make ti so interesting!

WOW, that was good! -Curly
Hello! I go by Curly!

I only give positive reviews because I don't like to give critism for some strange reason. :) If you would like a little sunshine in your story, please PM me!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 192
GryphonFledgling wrote:I loved this. I was in the crowd of "a penny?" but, having finished it, I am in awe. Very, very nice.

My only critique is not actually of the work, but of the title.

Uh, I wanted something to post, just to try it out


That's your title? Please, please, please change it. This piece is too good to be thrown away with a title like that, even if this was just an experimental post. Seriously, the only reason I clicked on it was to shout at you for having such a lame title. I didn't plan on actually liking the piece. I know the adage is "don't judge a book by its cover", but the truth is that a lot of people do and this particular cover is all kinds of lame.

The piece itself is marvelous. You wouldn't think that you could get attached to a penny, but you can, I suppose. I'll never look at my spare change the same way.

*thumbs up* Awesome, awesome job. Now I am off to hunt for lost change under the cushions to liberate and give purpose to.

~GryphonFledgling


I was about to complain about the same thing... What kinda title is that? This piece deserves a better title. You made made me feel sympathy for a penny... a penny! Now I want to raid my cushions to see if there are any forgotten pennies.
And now whenever I go to the store and the change is a penny, I'll take take it instead of walking away...
And now... well, you get it.

*is about to click star* :D




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 26
As everybody stated above, this was pretty amazing, and amusing. It's awesome how sometimes people never seem to empathize inanimate objects. The descriptions were heavy but wonderfully fitting, so that's great. As stated above, get a better title, this piece deserves it.

Other than that, I don't know what to say, it seems to be a decent short story! Great job. :P
It is only when dissonance plays one will find pleasure in consonance.
topic34094.html <-- Free Reviews




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1104
Reviews 47
Again, i agree! This is one of those great stories that you can just write because you wanted to then sit back and watch as everyone else does the analysis.

A penny can become one great big extended metaphor for life, for example.

Seriously, the way you managed to sustain that and find so much to say about a tiny little penny shows true skill and attention to detail.
"I want my journey to be full of laughter"

Final Fantasy X




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 4
This worked really effectively because, like said in other comments, the penny has been given human feelings which suggests that all inanimate objects, including the cushion, has a conscience. There is also a sense of mystery around how long the penny has existed, for hundreds of years? Perhaps there could even be flashbacks to when the penny was first made and its original owner.
The only tiny bit of criticism is that it isn't too clear when the quarter is taken away. Perhaps you could show by whom, and how the penny feels when its new companion is being taken away.
All in all a really good piece of writing which works because you have a unique narrative




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1111
Reviews 35
I love this. It proves my point that inanimate objects have feelings too!

Seriously, change the title. This deserves a much better title...or a title at all.
"What are you doing?"
"I've got paint and rollers...water sking"~The Philanthropist

Don't push the Red Button




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6337
Reviews 39
Kinda Hans Christian Andersen-ish... But meh, that may be a coincidence. How cute can one story get? I was grinning widely when I finished reading this. Nice piece... :)
"A fish bit my hand this morning, and everything became trippy. Now with this coke and this cherry, I can beautifully rule the world!"

-Dino, @ Dino and Cake's Adventures in La-La Land (Coming Soon)

PS: "Alice in Wonderland" obsessed? You bet.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 2
i think that this was a great writing for you to start out with.

i loved the essence of the penny
it was awesome for you to talk about a penny and how you could figure how to describe it an so many perspectives and so vividly.



Attention is the beginning of devotion.
— Mary Oliver, Upstream