Too much Pain

I'm in so much pain,
yet they seem to not notice.

For someone so close I can't believe that they're so far.
They keep asking which is a good sign and all,
but they'll never scratch the surface.

And when I say I'm fine its like throwing me to my own death.
Then every time they say that I am Caitlyn after all,
Its like stabbing me in the heart a million times.

When the pain gets worse I like to stand in the rain.
A tear drop down my cheek is like every rain drop down my cheek.

And I think for awhile,
how do they know who I am?
I don't even know who I am.

Sometimes they say I should act more like a young lady.
What if I want to make a Caitlyn that isn't one?
Then she won't be herself. I won't do that.

So next time try a little harder to get past my barrier.
Then you might find that I'm in more pain then I show.

Hi there!

I just wanted to let you know that you need to do two reviews before posting anything. keeping a nice two to one ratio of reviews to posts. That way everyone gets a little feed back.

I think that before posting anything else you should look at the rules and guidelines, they will help.

Anything else you need to ask, just PM me, and I will do my best to help you out.



Best of luck,

OverEasy

In the meantime, while you're writing your reviews, I'll review this =D


I'm in so much pain.
And yet you seem to not notice.

Make the first period a comma, and take out the and. Try not to ever start a sentence with an and, unless you think it's the only absolute necessary answer.

You're despicable for someone so close.

you keep asking which is a good sign and all, which should be what

but your barely scratching the surface. you're, not your

The line "You're despicable for someone so close." doesn't really cut it, for a reader. As the writer, you probably know what the line means, but we don't, we haven't gone through whats caused you to write this. It needs to be broadened out for use to understand why you wrote that.

sometimes you say i should act more like a young lady. A start of a sentence always needs a capital, and it's the same with your I's.

I have a feeling you wrote this more for a release from it, more than writing it because it's poetry. If you actually want it to be more poetry, than release writing it needs alot more work. It doesn't really have a set and flowing discussion, it's feels like it's more all over the place, making it difficult to read. So you really should ask yourself, why exactly did you write it, and do you really want it to go somewhere?

On a mean note: Take out "Newsflash" It's overwhelmingly childish and it makes you seem like a spoiled brat on a Disney movie. If you want to be taken seriously, don't ever use words like that in your poetry. I, personally, am offended.

I liked reading your poem a lot up to that point, and I had to force myself to erase it form my mind as I continued. The poem is promising, but PLEASE don't use words like that.

Furthermore, you placed your reader as your mom, at least I think it's your mom or dad, and it's an uncomfortable position for me personally to be in. I think it's a poem that is meant mostly for personal reasons, instead of being posted online.

Critique wise,

I'm in so much pain (,)

(Delete "And") Yet you seem to not notice.



You're despicable for someone so close.

(Y)ou keep asking (what? explain yourself) which is a good sign and all,

but you('re) barely scratching the surface.



And when (I) say I'm fine its like throwing me to my own death. (are you sure, or is it the fact that he/she ACCEPTS the answer?)

Then(,) (delete "every time") you say that (I) am Caitlin after all,

(this is a big jump "and it feels like your" would be better) stabbing me in the heart a million times.



When the pain gets worse (I) like to stand in the rain. (that's a bit random, but I'm still with you)

A tear drop down my cheek is like every rain drop down my cheek.
(Okay? Sure.)


And (I) think for awhile,

(H)ow do you know who (I) am?

I don't even know who (I) am.



(S)ometimes you say (I) should act more like a young lady.

(DELETE NEWSFLASH) What if i want to make a Caitlin that isn't one?
(T)hen she wont be herself. I wont.



So next time try a little harder to get past my barrier.

You might find that I'm in more pain then i show.