Haven't thought of a title for this either....

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In the cold, dark alley, a small creature hunched, alone, freezing, soaked to the bone for the the night's cold, cold drizzle, and utterly miserable. it shrank farther back into the corner which it had already backed into as it heard a crash and a shadow passed over.

A thing in tattered rags came into the terrified creature's view. A face, as ugly as sin and as horrifying as a rabid beast on the blackest night with only a full moon casting an unearthly pale glow around it, nearly frightened the wits out of the animal. A hand reached out to grab it. The creature, too terrified and weak to defend itself, was sure this was the end.

"Why hello!" said a kindly voice. Then it let out a raspy sigh. "Another unfortunate."

It was a man, in about as bad shape as the little furry thing in his hand, if not worse.

"Let's get you safe and dry" he said soothingly. The animal in his hand was now recognizable as a kitten, gray with black stripes on its back and spots on its belly. It mewed pitifully.

The man, whose name was Katathersis (meaning "selfless"), took the small kitten to his shack, which he had constructed himself of old discarded sheets of tin roofing and held together by leather strips at close intervals. It was not exactly weather-tight, but he pulled from a heavy chest a section of old canvas sail, salvaged from a wrecked ship. This he draped around the hut. now no rain could get in, save through a large hole in the top. this he covered with another sheet of tin supported by a makeshift stand on three legs. This made a suitable chimney. he took out form the chest also six grain sacks and laid them on the ground so that it was now dry underfoot. , leaving another circle, which he lined with rocks. he dried the ground as best as he could and set up a small fire with dry grass, leaves, and twigs (which he also had in his chest). He draped another sack over the kitten and settled down to enjoy the warmth and refule the fire when necessary.
Fear the monkey! love the monkey! Monkey!
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[ ] (o o) [ ]
O




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Hey Ygaron!
here's my crit key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think work better.
let's do this thing!
Ygaron wrote:In the cold, dark alley, a small creature [s]hunched[/s] sat, [s]alone, freezing[/s], soaked to the bone from the the night's cold, [s]cold[/s] drizzle, [s]and utterly miserable[/s]. Too many adjectives It shrank farther back into the corner which it had already backed into as it heard a crash and a shadow passed over. This sentence was a bit too telling. Show us what happened!

A thing in tattered rags came into the terrified creature's view. Its [s]A [/s]face, as ugly as sin [s]and as horrifying as a rabid beast on the blackest night with only a full moon casting an unearthly pale glow around it[/s], nearly frightened the wits out of the animal. A hand reached out to grab it. The creature, too terrified and weak to defend itself, was sure this was the end.

"Why hello!" said a kindly voice. Then it let out a raspy sigh. "Another unfortunate."

It was a man, in about as bad shape as the little furry thing in his hand, if not worse.

"Let's get you safe and dry" he said soothingly. The animal in his hand was now recognizable as a kitten, gray with black stripes on its back and spots on its belly This sentence was a bit of a runon . It mewed pitifully.

The man, whose name was Katathersis (meaning "selfless"), took the small kitten to his shack, which he had constructed himself of old discarded sheets of tin roofing and held together by leather strips at close intervals. It was not exactly weather-tight, but he pulled from a heavy chest a section of old canvas sail, salvaged from a wrecked ship. This he draped around the hut. now no rain could get in, save through a large hole in the top. this he covered with another sheet of tin supported by a makeshift stand on three legs. This made a suitable chimney. he took out form the chest also six grain sacks and laid them on the ground so that it was now dry underfoot. , leaving another circle, which he lined with rocks. he dried the ground as best as he could and set up a small fire with dry grass, leaves, and twigs (which he also had in his chest). Okay, although your description is quite detailed, it's a bit unnecessary here. I got a little lost as to what the house actually looked like. Try to be more concise when you are describing it He draped another sack over the kitten and settled down to enjoy the warmth and refule the fire when necessary.


Overall!

Interesting start! You have the makings of a pretty cool story here, lots of potential.
Here are some things to keep in mind:

But I love Caps!: Okay, capitalization. I didn't go through every sentence but you are supposed to begin sentences with a capitalized letter. Please read through and make sure the beginning letter of each sentence is capitalized. I had trouble figuring out where one sentence began and another ended.

Tell me a story
: Okay. Telling! Telling is a pretty big no no in writing. You want to show your readers what is going on. For example, instead of saying: The kitten is cold. You could say: The kitten shivered, the cold wind penetrating through its thin fur. I hope that helps. If you have any questions about telling, PM me!

Other than that, good job! Keep up the good work!




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Comments in red.


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In the cold, dark alley, a small creature hunched, alone, freezing, soaked to the bone for the the night's cold, cold drizzle, and utterly miserable. Wayyyy too many clauses. I have no idea what any of them were supposed to be modifying. it Capitalized. shrank farther back into the corner which it had already backed into as it heard a crash and a shadow passed over. Use an earlier line to say that it was hunched into a corner and then have it move back.

A thing in tattered rags came into the terrified creature's view. A face, as ugly as sin and as horrifying as a rabid beast on the blackest night with only a full moon casting an unearthly pale glow around it Just like that, huh? Well, is this the darkest night with a full moon and is the beast rabid?, nearly frightened the wits out of the animal. A hand reached out to grab it. The creature, too terrified and weak to defend itself, was sure this was the end. I don't know which is which. You talk about two beasts, creatures, animals, whatever. It's confusing.

"Why hello!" said a kindly voice. Then it let out a raspy sigh. "Another unfortunate." I'm hoping that the "Unfortunates" are going to become a classification of weak impoverished animals/people. Because that would be awesome.

It was a man, in about as bad shape as the little furry thing in his hand, if not worse.

"Let's get you safe and dry" he said soothingly. If he's saying that he wants to get it safe and dry, we assume he's being soothing. The animal in his hand was now recognizable as a kitten, gray with black stripes on its back and spots on its belly. It mewed pitifully.

The man, whose name was Katathersis (meaning "selfless") Don't tell us what it means. Have it mentioned later in conversation., took the small kitten to his shack, which he had constructed himself of old discarded sheets of tin roofing and held together by leather strips at close intervals. It was not exactly weather-tight, but he pulled from a heavy chest a section of old canvas sail, salvaged from a wrecked ship. This he draped around the hut. now no rain could get in, save through a large hole in the top. Okay this is like saying "Now no sunlight can get in! Well, except for that bay window... this he covered with another sheet of tin supported by a makeshift stand on three legs. This made a suitable chimney. he took out form from the chest also six grain sacks and laid them on the ground so that it was now dry underfoot He walks on his food?!. , ...Random comma?leaving another circle, which he lined with rocks. he dried the ground as best as he could and set up a small fire with dry grass, leaves, and twigs (which he also had in his chest). He draped another sack over the kitten Animals don't like being covered with things. and settled down to enjoy the warmth and refule "refuel" (please run spell-check!) the fire when necessary.
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You tell an awful lot when you really don't need to. Like the shack? Don't be so literal or it sounds like a grocery list. Let him take his time and describe things as they come along.

I'd be interested in seeing what happens next, and I'm already wondering where the rest of his cat collection is, since he said the kitten was "another unfortunate".



We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway