Element prologue

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Element- Prologue
Sometimes a person has to change; sometimes their forced to change, and sometimes your life changes for you. According to the friends I met at my new school, I was different, even though I didn’t know it.
Randi, the first friend I met at the school, had told me that I was lovely and I had the potential to be anything I wanted to be. I never believed her, I never wanted to believe her. The time eventually came that I had to believe her, that I had to face the truth. The truth of my own death.
Randi couldn’t tell me anything my first week there. She wanted to but she couldn’t, when I would ask her, her deep blue eyes would turn cold , and she would look almost sad. All the first week I debated if Randi was actually my friend. She was upbeat and very friendly with long light blonde hair. She was pretty, a pretty that couldn’t even compare to my dark brown hair and green eyes, a beauty that would knock a boy over at the very sight of her. I was jealous of her but yet she seemed oddly jealous of me.
After meeting Randi, I met a dangerous girl, who even looked dangerous. Her hair was short, the color of a newly born fire, and her eyes were a burnt orange. Daya was her name and as I got to know her the more I began to like her. She liked taking me on shopping trips with her and Randi. They were a lively bunch together, always telling me stories of Daya’s boyfriend Pierre and Randi’s cousin Lason, who also went our school.
Daya and Randi soon became closer friends than I would have ever imagine. After only one week of me being there we already did absolutely everything together painting nails, going on shopping trips, studying, and watching movies.
On the third day of my new school I met Pierre. He was a fun loving guy that I learned had done many outrageous things like bungee jumping and cliff diving. Some days when he came over to Daya’s we would hold him down and decorate his messy brown hair into pigtails or a nerdy comb over. He never minded and he even acted like a model on the runway. I knew Daya was a very lucky girl to have someone who has so much in common with her.
It wasn’t until the sixth day that I met Lason. He was mysterious and quiet you usually never saw his eyes because of the dark black hair that covered them, and you really didn’t want to see his eyes because they were a piercing blue. A color you could never forget. When Lason did talk it was usually to make a wise comment or to answer a question. He always had a water bottle with him, and no one ever told me why. I’d only been alone with him once and he never said a word to me. There was a time when he said my name, Aislyn, but he said it in such a way that it would make my stomach flutter and heart beat faster.
The eighth day is really where my story begins. It was the day I dreaded the most, but I thought I would love. My eighteenth birthday.
Last edited by UnknownR on Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.
- From a person who has no soul plan in life because of parents...




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Aloha I'm Rubric and I'll be your reviewer for today. First I should tell you that the rule is 2 reviews for every submitted piece, so I'm reviewing this on the good faith that I'll see more reviewing on your part.


change, sometimes their forced to change


change; sometimes they’re forced to change

different, Even


“different, even” or "different. Even"

I never believe her…. I never wanted to believe her.


This is great, but you could go for the smoother, “I never believed her, I never wanted to believe her.”

Truth about my own death.


The truth about my own death.

She wanted but she couldn’t


She wanted *to* but she couldn’t

and as I got to know the


and as I got to know *her* the

closer friends then I would ever imagine


closer friends *than* I would ever *have* imagined


This is off to a good start, and while a few of your mistakes could have been picked up by a thorough spellcheck on Microsoft Word. It's important that you understand the things I've highlighted, rather than merely correcting with my suggestions or ignoring them completely. So please, if there's anything you don't understand about the review, please PM me.

Rubric
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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Thanks I changed it. Your a good reviewer! I needed that, it was pretty bad.
- From a person who has no soul plan in life because of parents...




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Hey Unknown! Here by promise! Firstly, you might want to do a few more reviews since I noticed you have posted 3 pieces up, and we ask you do two submission per review :D

No worries though:

According to the new friends I met

Do you meet new friends? I would have thought you met people who later became friends. Also, I'm disliking the repetition of 'new'.

and I had potential

I think 'the potential' works best.

I never wanted

I should italicise 'wanted' to specify it from the rest of the sentence.

The truth about my own death.

How about: "The truth of my death." I feel it adds to the sense of mystery and removes clutter.

gray eyes would turn cold

'gray' already seems cold to me. I think we need more of a contrast. Why not deep blue eyes? A ravishing green?

She was very pretty, a pretty

Mark Twain once said: "Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." And to be honest, I agree with him. If you result to writing 'very' or 'really' it gives the reader the impression you are running out of ways to describe. There are more ways to describe something than just descriptive words. Consider, what could replace both of 'very pretty'? How about beautiful? Stunning? Gorgeous? These again help us get inside the MC's head so we can not only understand, but eventually relate with other examples.

I would have ever imagine.

I would have ever imagined.

**

Alright so aside those nitpicks I still have a few thoughts. In terms of character development--we still don't know her name (or her gender for that matter, but it sounds like a 'she') and to be honest it seemed like more of an info dump than anything else. Build it in gradually, introduce some conflict in the prologue then have a chapter going through this with us. Go through each day, have the MC leaving her old home, bidding goodbye to her friends and hating the new school. She seems too inhuman for my liking. You can't expect a reader to digest all of this information and certainly we would fell more involved. By telling us 'my story began then' almost throws out the window any type of suspense and having such a normal response for her part, makes the story seem dull.

This could be a lot stronger but for what it is, good job :)

:smt102
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde



Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind