North Country #1

I have two questions/things I need help with.

1. I am having a real hard time with my tenses, I would appreciate if someone/someones could point out when I tense shift.

2. Do you think this would be better written in present or past?

Thanks a million,
Cal.

*

North Country

I. A Case of the Mondays

Monday at the office was a Monday like any other. Dylan looked like she had spent the weekend hunting down her own leads in some back-alley, gin joints, which I imagined is exactly what she had done. Her blonde hair was drawn back from her face in a ponytail and her face was devoid of makeup and her red running sneakers were untied. She was alternating between gulping down a gallon of black coffee and chomping down on a multicolored handful of Tums.

The stack of folders that I had left on my desk Friday was still there beckoning me. Dylan had her own, much larger, which resembled more of the aftermath of a volcanic eruption than anything else, and I was sure somewhere underneath the mess was an actual desk.

Dylan handed me her half empty mug of coffee; the big block letters in blue, which once said ‘World’s Best Federal Agent’, have been scratched to near illegibility.

As I wrapped my hands around the lukewarm ceramic, I remember the excitement when Brian had seen it on that muddy, paisley tablecloth among pieces of a dismantled radio and candleholder set. It was cold, and wet, and rainy that Sunday. But, I had, like Dylan’s faithful golden-retriever, followed my boyfriend all over the garage-sale dotted countryside looking for that perfect birthday gift.

It cost twenty-five cents. Less than the paper we wrapped it with, but certainly worth it seeing Dylan’s reaction to it. I don’t think I’ll ever forget her face. Her facial expression spelling out: ‘Are you kidding me?’, perfectly. Or the burst of laughter after she realized it wasn’t just a gag gift—that Brian really meant it. I almost complained about the legendary trek Brian dragged me out on to find it, and how we could have spent the day in bed. But then Brian and Dylan were hugging each other and laughing, and I didn’t want to spoil the mood. Plus, the next day, on her desk was a grey ceramic mug with ‘World’s Best Federal Agent’ in big blue letters, and it hasn’t disappeared since.

I looked down into the mug at the black liquid. “You make this.”

Dylan had pulled out her cell phone. “Of course, Marshall,” she grumbled before putting the phone up to her ear.

I swallowed a mouthful of coffee; it was pretty good for the office. For a minute, I debated whether to heat it up, but figured that this early a fight with the microwave wasn’t in my best interest.

“Hey, honey…” The pitch at which Dylan voice has risen and the obvious contentment in her smile told me she is talking to Brian.

He is probably telling her about the dinner he went to last night. I couldn’t go. Or more I wouldn’t, and told him I had better things to do than spending the night surrounded by senators and scientists, bad food, and cheap alcohol. The last time I went to one of those functions, no less than five women tried to feel me up, two in front of their husbands, all of them twice my age. I drank too much, and Brian claimed my grumpiness was as bad as Dylan’s.

Even after Armageddon, and fighting and running from Zombies, I don’t go shouting at the top of my lungs that I’m dating a guy.

I know it’s not like Brian and I are the first gay couple in existence, or I’m the first gay cop whose tried to have a relationship with a senator’s top aide. And, it’s not that I consciously think of keeping what Brian and I have a secret. But, in my opinion, what Brian and I do is nobody’s business but our own.

And, so going to a dinner, headed by Brian’s boss (and technically my boss's boss), as Brian’s date, is not exactly my idea of a good time. I know Brian will never say it, but I think the fact I don’t join him makes him feel calmer. He doesn’t have to worry about me, just seating charts and dancing partners and making sure that no one mentions the number of psychos that were released during the invasion, and still haven’t been found.

I am distracted from my thoughts by Dylan laughing and then grinning at me like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

“No, no, he’s right here, sure, I’ll tell him.” Dylan has rested the phone against her neck. “My boy here wants to know if his boyfriend is free tonight.”

A grin stretched across my face. “I am.”

Dylan is back on the phone telling Brian that I have consulted my schedule and am indeed free tonight. She just has enough time to relay “Donatello’s at 8,” before our boss, Director Halprin is stomping into bullpen, scowl on his face, cowboy hat on his head.

I gulped down the rest of the coffee which is no longer lukewarm and tasted suspiciously like decaf, not at all like it did when it was warm; Dylan grumbled something. It takes me a minute to decipher it: Well, Hel-lo, Monday.

Hi!

Well, I'll go through the nitpicks first:

Monday at the office was a Monday like any other.

It sounds friendly and easy flowing but this is a very clichéd way to open to a story. I recommend finding another way to introduce it.

chomping down on a multicolored handful of Tums.

I don't think you need the 'on'.

The stack of folders that I had left

The 'that' is irritating me, in this case it just bulks the sentence.

“You make this.”

Sounds like more of a question, mark it so.

Dylan voice [s]has risen[/s]

Present tense, should be 'rose'.

I noticed after that it was all present tense, and I couldn't understand whether the start was a flashback or what, or if it was just a mistake, so I can't really correct this:

Dylan grumbled something.

Back into past tense?

***

You say you're not sure whether this should be past or present? Well in my opinion, go with what's easier; essentially it doesn't matter. This is relatively messier and so I'm not sure what should/shouldn't be present/past tense. I reckon this could be a lot stronger--by looks of it you are more inclined to past tense. They both advantages and disadvantages. Equally, they can be great together. By that I mean flashbacks in italics, then present tense, or vice versa. I would say go for past tense, or at least for the main body of the story. Well that's my ramble on tenses, I hope I have been some sort of help.

In terms of character development I'm liking the gradual build-up. One major point is we need to be able to picture the characters. Surprisingly enough early-on descriptions can be very effective--even just slightly. Tell us they are brushing their murky hair, like they forgot to wash this morning or something.

Great work, keep writing!

Like poodle skirts and ex-relationships, this is best kept in the past.

[spoiler]North Country

I. A Case of the Mondays

Monday at the office was a Monday like any other. Dylan looked like she had spent the weekend hunting down her own leads in some back-alley gin joints, which was actually exactly what she did every weekend. Her blonde hair was drawn back from her face in a ponytail and her face was devoid of makeup and her red running sneakers were untied. She was alternating between gulping down a gallon of black coffee and chomping down on a multicolored handful of Tums.

The stack of folders that I had left on my desk Friday was [s]still there[/s] beckoning me. Dylan had her own, much larger stack, which resembled more of the aftermath of a volcanic eruption than anything else. If I didn't know any better, I wouldn't have suspected that underneath the mess was an actual desk.

Dylan handed me her half empty mug of coffee; the big block letters in blue, which once said ‘World’s Best Federal Agent’, [s]have been[/s] scratched to near illegibility.

As I wrapped my hands around the lukewarm ceramic, I remember the excitement when Brian had seen it on that muddy, paisley tablecloth among pieces of a dismantled radio and candleholder set. It was cold, and wet, and rainy that Sunday. But, I had, like Dylan’s faithful golden-retriever, followed my boyfriend all over the garage-sale dotted countryside looking for that perfect birthday gift.

I wish you clarified the narrator's gender early on, because, this is where I became completely confused. It's not your fault, due to the nature of the narrator's sexuality, but be wary of this pitfall. I don't really think the "surprise, he's gay!" bit is really important, or particularly unique.

It had cost twenty-five cents. Less than the paper we wrapped it with, but certainly worth [s]it[/s] seeing Dylan’s reaction to it. I don’t think I’ll ever forget her face. Her facial expression spelling out: ‘Are you kidding me?’, perfectly. Or the burst of laughter after she realized it wasn’t just a gag gift—that Brian really meant it. I almost complained about the legendary trek Brian dragged me out on to find it, and how we could have spent the day in bed. But then Brian and Dylan were hugging each other and laughing, and I didn’t want to spoil the mood. Plus, the next day, on her desk was a grey ceramic mug with ‘World’s Best Federal Agent’ in big blue letters, and it hasn’t disappeared since.

I looked down into the mug at the black liquid. “You make this.”

Dylan had pulled out her cell phone. “Of course, Marshall,” she grumbled before putting the phone up to her ear.

I swallowed a mouthful of coffee; it was pretty good for the office. For a minute, I debated whether to heat it up, but figured that this early a fight with the microwave wasn’t in my best interest.

“Hey, honey…” The pitch at which Dylan voice had risen and the obvious contentment in her smile told me she was talking to Brian.

I figured that he was probably telling her about the dinner he went to last night. I couldn’t go. Or more correctly, I wouldn’t, and told him I had better things to do than spending the night surrounded by senators and scientists, bad food, and [s]cheap[/s] government* alcohol. The last time I went to one of those functions, no less than five women tried to feel me up, two in front of their husbands, all of them twice my age. I drank too much, and Brian claimed my grumpiness was as bad as Dylan’s.

I doubt the government would have cheap alcohol, but probably some poor quality stuff, I imagine it being chosen by committee, and the choices being rather safe.

Even after Armageddon, and fighting and running from Zombies, I wouldn't go shouting at the top of my lungs that I’m dating a guy.

I know it’s not like Brian and I are the first gay couple in existence, or I’m the first gay cop whose tried to have a relationship with a senator’s top aide. And, it’s not that I consciously think of keeping what Brian and I have a secret. But, in my opinion, what Brian and I do is nobody’s business but our own. [color=greenI wish you could relay this more subtley, this overt method seems almost like editorializing.[/color]

And, so going to a dinner, headed by Brian’s boss (and technically my boss's boss), as Brian’s date, is not exactly my idea of a good time. I know Brian will never say it, but I think the fact I don’t join him makes him feel calmer. He doesn’t have to worry about me, just seating charts and dancing partners and making sure that no one mentions the number of psychos that were released during the invasion, and still haven’t been found.

I was distracted from my thoughts when Dylan started laughing and [s]then[/s] grinning at me like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

“No, no, he’s right here, sure, I’ll tell him.” Dylan [s]has[/s] rested the phone against her neck. “My boy here wants to know if his boyfriend is free tonight.”

A grin stretched across my face. “I am.”

Dylan [color=green]goes back on the phone to tell Brian that I have consulted my schedule and am indeed free tonight. She just had enough time to relay “Donatello’s at 8,” before our boss, Director Halprin came stomping into bullpen, scowl on his face, cowboy hat on his head.

I gulped down the rest of the coffee - no longer lukewarm and tasting suspiciously like decaf, not at all like it did when it was warm - Dylan grumbled something. It takes me a minute to decipher it: Well, Hel-lo, Monday.[/spoiler]

It's fine!

Dylan looked like she had(you dont need that there!) spent the weekend hunting down her own leads in some back-alley, gin joints, which I imagined is exactly what she had done.

You use alot of hads... and this story is better off in the past.. like youre retelling it... if you wanted it more of a suspenseful/dramatic effect you could do present... and then you can still do present in past! know what im saying. like i sstart telling you a story and then i tell it like it happend you know what im saying...

chomping down on a multicolored handful of Tums.

i believe thats gramaticaly correct.. but it still sounds weird.. cause like it swounds like shes biting her multicolored hands and a signals singular.. know what im saying! so just rearanging senteces can do alot of good!! like... "she was chomping down on a handful of multicolored tums.. see! see all better! a signifies its just one handful of multicolored hand full of tums not a bunch of mutlicolored hands full of tums,,, see what im sayin!!!!

The stack of folders that I had(no need for that had either!!!) left on my desk Friday was still there beckoning me. Dylan had her own, much larger(larger what? which ressembles what? stack! much larger stack!), which resembled more of the aftermath of a volcanic eruption than anything else, and I was sure somewhere underneath the mess was an actual desk.

Dylan(were you thinking of putting a had here? good!) handed me her half empty mug of coffee; the big block letters in blue(huh? she handed her a half empy cup of coffee, big block letters? whaat?) delete the comma, youre still talking about the big block letters on the mug, so it doesnt need no darned comma!), which once said ‘World’s Best Federal Agent’, have(changed to present with the have, nows the time you need a had there!) been scratched to near illegibility.

As I wrapped my hands around the lukewarm ceramic, I remember(ed) the excitement when Brian had seen it on(on whats on? sitting? oh, when brian had seen it sitting on that muddy, tableclothe? whas it a picinic? table.. much better!) that muddy, paisley tablecloth among pieces of a dismantled radio and candleholder set. It was cold, and wet, and rainy that Sunday.(YOU and your goddamned commas! if you have a sentence that short you dont need none that shit! and remember, if you say its rainy, its really useless to say its wet, right! so maybe pick something else that comes with rain thats not so universal, you know what im saying! like dreary,,, but i think cold and rainy pretty much do it good enough. ) But, I had, like Dylan’s faithful golden-retriever, followed my boyfriend allover the garage-sale dotted countryside looking for that perfect birthday gift. (try cramming everything in one sentence,, like, but wait... what do you mean, golden retriever... that sentence wrote like is, implikes, dylan's goldenretriever followed her boyfriend looking for a gift... unless thats what you ment... and its but i had.. i like the garage sale dotted countryside.. but its lost with the bad structre.. you could of said.. acutlay i dont know what you could of said cause im too confuddled right now. are you? good, so wre on the same page...)

It cost twenty-five cents. Less than the paper we wrapped it with, but certainly worth it seeing Dylan’s reaction to it.

see now you need that comma, where is it when you need it!!! it cost 234 cents, less than the paper we wrapped it with. see now i assume that since it was so cheap, thats why you have the but in there. explain the but. but what. but why. paper we wrapped it with. It was cheap, but worth seeing dylans reeaction to it... now that might be wrong,, you know why? cause i assumed?! and you knwo what happens when we assume... i make an ASS, out of U. and ME. assume.


I dont know what the rest is about,, but you need to work on your work. practive makes perrrrfect...

p.s. study the word had. and comma use.

I think for this story you could go with writing it either in the present or past tense, but I would chose past. Some words you used made it sound like you were retelling the story then others sounded like it was being told live. There were just some sentences that flowed weirdly but otherwise it was great. But to answer your question about which tense you would; my suggestion is to just read over what you have so far and figure out if you have to change more if you were writing in the present or past, then chose the one with fewer mistakes!

I loved it, though! Can't wait to read more!

~Dommy

I love the characters so far, and everything seems so realistic, also with the diolouge being fresh. I can almost see this as an independent film of some sort It's really good! As for past and present, I coulden't spot any mistakes, so I think you did a wonderful job.

Tell me when more comes please! (PM me )

I love you guys. You have convinced me within in the space of a day that this project is worth it. Or at least worth posting on YWS.

Blink,

Ssh. Don't tell anyone but Marshall is really hard to describe.


Smorg,

Apparently, I have this huge issue with confusing the reader about first person gender, thanks for pointing that out to me, among other things.


Xena,

The bit about describing the Tums was one of the bits I agonized over describing. Because each tum is just one color and describing them as multicolored Tums makes me think that the Tums are all different colors.


Dommy,

Thanks.


Curly,

You and Dommy are like my North Country cheerleaders/cheering section.




Thanks a million, gang.
Cal.