So Rated-R

This is a story about a time when nothing meant everything and everything meant nothing. When the world would stop spinning. When time was non-existent.
So, to set the scene...let's go to America, home sweet home. Well, not really. More specifically, Illinois aka: one of the top five fattest states in the country. A little town...Oak Lawn, where hardly anything wrong could happen. Where gangs were ignored...tragic weather events were easily fixed and broken teenagers were put to work.
Now about me...lemme get in front of a mirror…okay. Fourteen’s my age and Danny’s my name. NO! I’m not a boy. Features? Short dark-brown hair overlapping my right eye. I know…emo much? Small almond coloured eyes, thin lips, and a button nose. So, I’ve always seen myself fat, so deal with it. I’m pretty developed…I think. I’m short...5’1 to be exact. I have always had an extremely low self-esteem, so anything (even if you’re joking) gets taken very seriously. I’ve always been told what a beauty I am, but you know what? I really don’t see any beauty here. My style is pretty much ‘emo’ or whatever THAT means now a days. My make-up is basically ‘emo’ too. Lot’s of eyeliner and a TON of cover-up to hide my fugly freckles. That’s just about it though…otherwise I’m not really into the whole make-up thing.
Okay! Now that we’re just about finished with me…let’s travel down to a place that practically hates me-Whitney High School. A place infested with roaches and mice. A place where cliques rule the school. A place where EVERYONE judges you for looking like you. A bad place to grow up really, but yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only teenager with these problems.
My friends…aren’t really considered (to me) to be my friends. I mean they’re practically all bitches. Let’s see…I’ve got…Rob, Jason, Jenn, Anne, Isabell, Amy, Regina, and probably a few more I can’t think of. Here’s the thing: they are ALL fat, ugly, and pimple-faced. Why? I know it seems very low, but like I said, I have an EXTREMELY low self-esteem. Oh! I almost forgot my friend Catty! She’s as thin as toothpick (maybe thinner) but she had ‘junk in the trunk and blobs of mounded fat’ (boobs). I had always been jealous of her beauty. You might even say I hated her because of it. She would always get guys not just any guys either…the guys I had it in for. So yeah…let’s start from the beginning…

Comments in red.

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This is a story about a time when nothing meant everything and everything meant nothing. Not bad, but this feels a little like one of those turn-around lines that are intended to sound really cool but don't really mean anything to the story itself. You're going to have to prove what you mean. When the world would stop spinning. When time was non-existent.
So, to set the scene...let's go to America, home sweet home. Well, not really. More specifically, Illinois aka: one of the top five fattest states in the country. A little town...Oak Lawn, where hardly anything wrong could happen. Where gangs were ignored...tragic weather events were easily fixed and broken teenagers were put to work. This is a pretty big tone shift from your first paragraph. You've left behind the metaphorical and dived into conversation ("aka"). It seems disjointed following the first paragraph.
Now about me...lemme get in front of a mirror…okay. Does your character have to see himself/herself in a mirror in order to describe how they look? Fourteen’s my age and Danny’s my name. NO! I’m not a boy. Nice touch of character development. Features? Short dark-brown hair overlapping my right eye. I know…emo much? Small almond coloured eyes, thin lips, and a button nose. So, I’ve always seen myself fat, so deal with it. Cut one of the "so"s. It's repetitive. Try either "So I've always seen myself as fat. Deal with it" or "I've always seen myself as fat, so deal with it". Also, I don't think most people would say "I see myself this way" but instead "I am this way" as in "I've always been fat. Deal with it."I’m pretty developed…I think. ...What does this mean? Like, emotionally stable or like...past puberty? I’m short...5’1 to be exact. You're overloading on elipses. Most of these can just be cut and made into separate sentences. You also need to break up this paragraph because it's getting unwieldy. I have always had an Strike "an". extremely low self-esteem, so anything (even if you’re joking) gets taken very seriously "by me".. I’ve always been told what a beauty I am, but you know what? I really don’t see any beauty here. My style is pretty much ‘emo’ or whatever THAT means now a days. My make-up is basically ‘emo’ too. Lot’s of eyeliner and a TON of cover-up to hide my fugly freckles. That’s just about it though…otherwise I’m not really into the whole make-up thing. Meh. This is getting very tortured Mary-Sue. "I'm gorgeous and everyone knows it but me! Le sigh!" If you're going to take this route, we need to know why she feels this way and why others feel the way they do.
Okay! Now that we’re just about finished with me…let’s travel down to a place that practically hates me-Whitney High School. A place infested with roaches and mice. A place where cliques rule the school. A place where EVERYONE judges you for looking like you. A bad place to grow up really, but yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only teenager with these problems. I like the last line, though I think you could clean it up a bit--make it more streamlined. The school itself sounds a little stereotypical for these types of stories.
My friends…aren’t really considered (to me) "by me" not "to me" to be my friends. Well that's pretty harsh. I mean they’re practically all bitches. Let’s see…I’ve got…Rob, Jason, Jenn, Anne, Isabell, Amy, Regina, and probably a few more I can’t think of. Here’s the thing: they are ALL fat, ugly, and pimple-faced. Um. Well for someone who just called herself fat and ugly, this is kind of "pot calling the kettle"... Why? I know it seems very low, but like I said, I have an EXTREMELY low self-esteem. What does that have to do with anything? Oh! I almost forgot my friend Catty! She’s as thin as toothpick (maybe thinner) but she had ‘junk in the trunk and blobs of mounded fat’ (boobs) Uh. I'm not sure what you're trying to get across here.. I had always been jealous of her beauty. You might even say I hated her because of it. She would always get guys Period. not just any guys either…the guys I had it in for. So yeah…let’s start from the beginning…Again, overloading on ellipses.
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Not bad. I'd like to read more of this because it's in that "guilty pleasure" realm, but I think that you need to concentrate on making your characters less stereotypical as the story progresses. I want to see flaws, and not just the I-think-I'm-ugly-but-I'm-really-a-super-model kind. I want to feel more of what this character is thinking, instead of just hearing it. She's got a good conversational voice, but you need to develop it. Make her cattier or sweeter--give her more character. Make her lines sharper.

Let me know when the rest comes out!

Avens

PS: Also, please remember that there is a 2:1 review to critique requirement here at YWS. This means that it's polite to post two reviews of others' work before you post a piece of your own for review. It keeps everyone happy and the forums active and amiable.