Synopsis for Gypsie Eyes

Ladies and Gentlemen! Here I am posting my one-page synopsis for Gypsie Eyes, which I will be sending out with query letters shortly (I've already sent out a few, actually). Any help you guys could give me would be great, but what I'd really appreciate would be critiques from people who have some experience in writing synopses or with the publishing process in general. My main question is: Would you, if you were an agent, find this synopsis enough of a reason to become interested in the book it represents?

Also, just a warning to my adoring fans : this is a complete synopsis and obviously include spoilers about not only the end of the book, but most of the major plot twists. Of course I'd love you guys to take a look, but don't say I didn't warn you!



Karenna and Avarn—adopted children, devoted friends, and the two most powerful ten-year-olds in their town—swear never to forget each other when Avarn’s birth mother, an insane magician named Vishna, comes to take him away. High in the mountains, Avarn is blinded by a magical disaster, but nonetheless learns the magician’s craft—controlling beings called Elementars, the children of the four original Elementals. During this time he uncovers Vishna’s plan to summon the long-imprisoned Elemental of Fire, and in order to stop her Avarn will need Karenna’s help. Eight years after leaving his childhood comrade, Avarn sends Tannar, an Elementar of air and water disguised as a young man, to watch over Karenna as she travels to the Dirantyri Training Academe and during the two years of education that will follow. At first annoyed with his mission, Tannar makes little effort to befriend Karenna, but nevertheless the two cooperate to defend their caravan from a Werewolf attack. Moreover, they must do so cautiously, for both Tannar’s Elementar abilities and the power of Karenna’s secretly-acquired wand would draw unwanted attention. Karenna has learned to fear such interest because of her distinctively non-human eyes, which suggest a heritage rooted in the distrusted Gypsie race.

Despite their initial wariness of each other, Karenna and Tannar begin to forge a friendship during their days at the Academe, where they also fall in with a pair of accident-prone twins, a boy turned into a giant by a magical accident, and even come to the attention of the young headmaster. The boy-giant unintentionally reveals Tannar’s Elementar nature to Karenna, but when she panics Tannar finally tells her that Avarn has sent him. Karenna agrees to accompany Tannar to her childhood friend when her Academe training is complete. However, they must abandon this plan when Vishna, fearful that Karenna will become a threat, sends one of her own Elementars to attack the Academe. After thwarting this assault, Tannar, Karenna, and their friends flee into the nearby Gypsies’ Forest. It’s not long before they are captured by a deranged Gypsie and his clan, who take them to the Gypsies’ winter festival as prizes. Once there, King Cerreno of the Gypsies recognizes Karenna—by her eyes—as the baby daughter he lost seventeen years ago on the same day that her mother was murdered.

Karenna, overwhelmed by this sudden revelation, to say nothing of the responsibility laid on her shoulders, questions her own capability even as the others make plans for the journey to Avarn, all assuming she can and will play her part. On the treacherous mountain hike her confidence grows, as she manages to both deal with a belligerent battle mage and soothe Tannar’s own fears about the coming confrontation. Tannar confides to her that, according to the prophesy that foretold his own existence, he will have to become mortal in order to defeat the Elemental of Fire.

They arrive at Vishna’s mountain fortress just as she begins to summon the Fire Elemental, and while they try to fight past her Elementar servants she succeeds, the room becoming an inferno as the very personification of fire fills it. Tannar uses Karenna’s wand to strike the final blow, accepting mortality in order to wield it. The aftermath is full of revelations: Tannar’s love for Karenna, hers for him, and the truth of Avarn’s noble birth, all of which will impact their friendship as well as the future relations between the Gypsie and human nations. Karenna emerges from the smoke having fought her battles and won, no longer afraid of her own eyes, and ready to face whatever her future holds—even marriage to such an unpredictable young man as Tannar.

*glances about uneasily* Goodness...I feel like a guest in someone else's house. Anyway; you asked for commentary, I give you commentary, don't say I didn't warn you. Now, let's see if I can remember how to do this properly...

gyrfalcon wrote:Karenna and Avarn—adopted children, devoted friends, and the two most powerful ten-year-olds in their town—swear never to forget each other when Avarn’s birth mother, an insane magician named Vishna, comes to take him away. High in the mountains, Avarn is blinded by a magical disaster, but nonetheless learns the magician’s craft—controlling beings called Elementars, the children of the four original Elementals.

Ah, yes; there’s lots we could say about Elemantals and Elementars, but this probably isn’t the space you want to use to hint at that mythology. Instead, keep the focus on ‘this is what makes a magician a magician’; think how Mr. Stroud describes his magicians as people who control djinn and take the credit for their labors. The magician’s craft consists less of arcane mumblings and bubbling pots and more of enslaving supernatural beings to a mortal’s will. I’d rework the sentence to highlight this fact, and this only.

gyrfalcon wrote: During this time he uncovers Vishna’s plan to summon the long-imprisoned Elemental of Fire, and in order to stop her Avarn will need Karenna’s help.

You could just say ‘to stop her’, comma…etc. Also, within the framework of the synopsis, this is unexplained and far too convenient. We haven’t been given any special information about Karenna; what’s he need her for?

gyrfalcon wrote: Eight years after leaving his childhood comrade, Avarn sends Tannar, an Elementar of air and water disguised as a young man, to watch over Karenna as she travels to the Dirantyri Training Academe and during the two years of education that will follow.

Again, you’re hinting at a framework (Dirantir’s education system) that will be important in the story as a whole, but we don’t need it here. The watching over Karenna bit can stay, as well as where she’s going, but I’d focus more on the fact that she’s leaving home for the first time and would otherwise be travelling alone, since that’s Avarn’s concern…right?

gyrfalcon wrote: At first annoyed with his mission, Tannar makes little effort to befriend Karenna, but nevertheless the two cooperate to defend their caravan from a Werewolf attack. Moreover,

A simple little ‘also’ would do just as well…and this is just a thought, but it would make the synopsis more interesting (leave me wanting to know how things happen in the actual book) if, instead of talking about the caution they need to exercise, you hint at the fact that they did draw unwanted attention, both from someone who would turn out to be a friend and someone else who would turn out to be an enemy.

gyrfalcon wrote:Despite their initial wariness of each other, Karenna and Tannar begin to forge a friendship during their days at the Academe, where they also fall in with a pair of accident-prone twins, a boy turned into a giant by a magical accident, and even

Now, is coming to the headmaster’s attention as little of a by-the-way incident as you make it sound, or do we want this to be a big thing?

gyrfalcon wrote:come to the attention of the young headmaster. The boy-giant unintentionally reveals Tannar’s Elementar nature to Karenna,

This sentence feels a bit stilted, and I think that’s because it’s so vague. Again (sorry, can’t remember how he reveals Tannar’s Elementar nature), the d’scrip would be more interesting if we get something about how it was Boom’s ‘clumsiness’, or that Karenna got a ‘glimpse’ of something about Tannar that was other than human…alright, so that sounds kind of lame, but what I mean is bring some immediacy to the event. I’d try and make it something your reader can get some kind of mental image of, rather than just understanding it cognitively.

gyrfalcon wrote:but when she panics Tannar finally tells her that Avarn has sent him.

Yes, we already know he waited an unreasonable amount of time, and we’re curious about that, so a more useful word would be ‘reluctantly’ or ‘grudgingly’, or just skip the adverb altogether.

gyrfalcon wrote:Karenna, overwhelmed by this sudden revelation, to say nothing of the responsibility laid on her shoulders, questions her own capability even as the others make plans for the journey to Avarn,

No clue here on the gypsies’ motives; we’re not so much going to Avarn as we are to Vishna, to stop her, aren’t we?

gyrfalcon wrote: On the treacherous mountain hike her confidence grows, as she manages to both deal with a belligerent battle mage and soothe Tannar’s own

('own' is an unnecessary word, and you repeat it a sentence later)

gyrfalcon wrote:They arrive at Vishna’s mountain fortress just as she begins to summon the Fire Elemental, and while they try to fight past her Elementar servants she succeeds, the room becoming an inferno as the very personification of fire fills it.

This is passive voice, or something very near it. Again, I’d change it to a visual: ‘and the Fire Elemental’s presence turns the room into an inferno’. Or something like that.

gyrfalcon wrote: Karenna emerges from the smoke having fought her battles and won, no longer afraid of her own eyes,

‘heritage’ might be nearer the point, but that’s up to you.

No. 1 thing to work on here; everything else I’ve pointed out is either secondary or part of it. With this play of subplots and different aspects of plot, it’ll be hard, but it will help you if you bring out the cause/effect relationship in this string of events. Each event needs to flow naturally from the last one. For instance, something about Karenna and Avarn’s friendship at the beginning of your synopsis needs to make it expected, natural, that he needs her help to stop his crazy mother. (Think about that, by the way; you never tell us why the magician-in-training so desperately needs his elementary-school friend to come help him. You may not want to give that much away, but some hint of a reason would go far towards making that flow better.)
Yes, I’m very sorry I didn’t think of any of this earlier! Like yourself, I stopped really ‘seeing’ this synopsis after spending so much time working on it

I have absolutely no idea how to crit this synopsis. Ai yi yi...

Karenna, overwhelmed by this sudden revelation, to say nothing of the responsibility laid on her shoulders, questions her own capability even as the others make plans for the journey to Avarn, all assuming she can and will play her part.

This feels a little off. I don't know why, but there's two points that go with the "overwhelmed" - the sudden revelation and the responsibility. What I mean is, the "overwhelmed" doesn't quite cover the responsibility. Does that make sense?

Tannar confides to her that, according to the prophesy that foretold his own existence, he will have to become mortal in order to defeat the Elemental of Fire.

Even if this is when we first hear about it, it might be good to mention Tannar's prophecy earlier on in the synopsis, so it doesn't come across as such a deus ex machina.



I don't think there was anything else I saw, but definately get other people's opinions.

This is a very thorough synopsis...but it might be a little too thorough. An agent wants to know the jist of the story - yes, it should be thorough, but you don't necessarily need to explain every detail of the plot. The werewolf attack, the twins and the boy giant...those are all unnecessary details. Karenna, Tannar, Avarn, Elementals, and the prophecy - those are the key elements. Those are the points you need to highlight, because they are vitally important.

Avarn's mother's name isn't vital.

The fact that Boom was the one who revealed Tannar's nature to Karenna isn't vital.

The werewolf attack isn't vital.

What I'm saying, I guess, is that you have to be aware how limited an agent's time is. They want to see the summary, and they want to see it quickly. Unfortunately they have little time to read your beautiful, long, descriptive synopsis of "Gypsie Eyes."

That's my two sense. And good luck! I REALLY want to see Gypsie Eyes on a shelf someday soon.

Thanks, everyone, for your awesome critiques! lyrical, my bad for not explaining this earlier--I do have a shorter version of this synopsis, much shorter (a paragraph), which I put into my query letters to agents. But some agents (especially when they request pages) want a slightly more comprehensive overview of your book, so they'll know what they're getting into--one page like this is standard. So long as I made sure to get the essential parts in (and you seem to be saying I have), I can use the remaining space to flesh out the plot a bit, let them know about a few of the side characters and such--so long as it stays within one page.

Thanks again!

Ah, alright. Yes, I'm still in the process of writing my first query synopses, so I haven't had to write the long one yet. Well, good luck yet again! Keep us updated.