This is the story of a selfish but quite average man, and a less-than-average girl with a annoyingly peppy personality.
Priscilla was the name of the girl. She was the middle child in a large family of large people. She had a smart, beautiful mother and a robust but rugged looking father. She strongly took after her father. Her mother, in shame of how ugly and stupid her daughter turned out to be, was in denial and told Priscilla she was pretty and smart. This lead to Priscilla’s upbeat outlook on life and false sense of confidence. Luckily for them, her father was overprotective, and would squash anyone who made fun of her for it.
Kevin was the name of the man. He (as previously stated) was pretty much average at everything he did. And he hated it. He always was competing to try to impress anyone around him. This never worked, because his brothers were both impressive in just about very aspect of life. The one thing he did do better than anyone else was playing chess, which is why he always carried a chess board with him, just in case he had a chance to show off his chess skills
One day, Priscilla was reading a book that described the many different varieties of cheeses, including consistency, texture, color, and smell when her youngest brother came into the room.
He did a handstand. He was a very impressive acrobat. “Whatcha reading?” he asked her, unable to read the cover himself, being upside-down and also too young to read.
“Go away,” she said, totally enthralled by the book.
He tumbled down from his handstand. “Tell me or I’ll tell Daddy! He'll get mad at you!” he shouted at her.
She sighed loudly at him. “I’m reading about the inconsistencies of cheese,” she tried to sound clever, but didn't quite get the words right. Her brother didn't notice.
“Oh… If I was a cheese, what inconsistency would I be?” he asked.
“You would be melted," she answered confidently.
“Oh…” he thought for a minute. Then, finally deciding that was an insult he yelled, “I’m telling Dad!” and bounced out of the room.
Oh no, she thought. Even with her brain capacity, she knew this was bad. Instead of waiting to explain she had done nothing wrong to her father, she ran outside. She huffed and puffed to the other side of the road outside her house. She wasn't used to exerting herself this much. There was a tree there, and securing The Book of Cheeses to herself with her belt, she tried to climb the tree. This was difficult for her, because she had a rear end the size of a hippo, and was wearing clogs her aunt had sent to her from Finland. Not very far up the tree, she continued to read her book, finding out how to distiguish between rotten blue cheese and good blue cheese.
Two houses down the street, Kevin was playing chess by himself. His brothers wouldn’t play with him, because he would surely win, and they liked to see him loose. He got bored very soon, and decided to take a walk. He gathered up his chess set before he left the house. He began to whistle as he strolled down the street.
Something she heard caught Priscilla's attention and she looked up from her book. She saw a somewhat handsome man walking down the street and whistling. Thinking this was a wonderfully romantic situation, she began to sing along with him.
Kevin heard a strange noise and stopped abruptly. His eyes grew wide as he recognized the sound. An animal somewhere close by must be in excruciating pain, he thought. To make a sound like that, they must really need my help! With that, he started to look around for the dying animal.
Seeing her Prince Charming looking for the source of the music she was making, Priscilla got very excited. She started to sing louder, hoping he would follow her beautiful voice to the tree.
Kevin followed the wailing underneath a big oak tree. Hesearched around wildly, frantic to help the poor animal. He was directly under Priscilla.
She took this as the perfect opportunity to jump into his arms, so he could fall instantly in love and they could run away together. And I won’t get in trouble for telling my brother he was melted cheese, she thought before she jumped from the tree.
Not expecting an assault from above, Kevin fell to the ground with a person on top of him, practically crushing his rib cage. “Gah!” he shouted when he looked up to see what had knocked him over and found a rather large butt in his face.
Priscilla tried to crawl off of him, and managed to just wiggle her butt in his face, nudging him in the nose. He squirmed to get away.
Just then, The Book of Cheeses fell out of the tree and landed right on top of Kevin’s head leaving a lump and knocking him out completely. Priscilla managed to climb off of him, and saw what the book had done. She gasped. Not sure what to do with her true love passed out on the ground, she sat down and tried to think of what to do next. Not being very smart, it took a while for her to find a solution, but when she did it didn’t take nearly as long to execute it.
She picked him up and slung him over her shoulder. She planned on taking him home and nursing him back to health, so that when he woke up he would remember the time they fell in love, and it would be a magical moment. Almost like love at second sight. She giggled in anticipation of the time he would be awake and shower her with compliments and gifts.
Priscilla was careful to avoid all her family members as she made it to her room with the unconscious man over her shoulder. She placed him on her bed, and waited until he would wake up. She attempted to make herself look prettier by scrunching up her face (trying to make it seem less pudgy) and puffing out her lips (to show him how ready they were for him to kiss). She stayed very still, so he would have the perfect view of her when he woke up.
When his eyes did finally flutter open, she was in the same position, except that her face was beet red with the effort it took to keep that posture for such a long time.
“Gah!” he shouted again, this time when he saw her other end. He pulled away from her as much as was possible with the given space. Priscilla didn’t notice.
“Oh darling! You’re awake!” she said too loud in excitement.
“What happened?” he asked, bewildered.
“I nursed you back to health!” she practically shouted.
“Oh. Well, yes. Thanks for that,” he started to get up to leave, which meant he had to lean in Priscilla’s direction. She thought he was so grateful he was going to kiss her, so she met him a little more than halfway, and planted a big wet one on him.
“Whoa!” he backed away, like he had before. She didn’t notice this was a bad reaction. “I don’t even know you!” he shouted, even though he was confused, and rubbed the sore spot on his head.
“You don’t remember when we fell in love?” She pouted.
I’m in love with this creature? he thought miserably. Maybe I just forget because I was unconscious? Priscilla hadn’t been trying to trick him, but in her own way, she managed to do just that. Well, I suppose it’s possible, but he cringed as he thought about it.
“I must have forgot when I was unconscious,” he mumbled. Delighted, Priscilla leaned in for another kiss, but Kevin dodged it. “No more of that, though!”
Priscilla pouted again, but didn’t have a chance to respond because at that moment her father came into the room. “Daddy!” she cried, taken by surprise. She stood up, and tried to hide Kevin behind her.
Seeing that large rear end wagging in his face again, Kevin’s memory flooded back to him, almost like a trigger. He remembered seeing that same butt wiggling in his face before he got knocked out. He also remembered that he didn’t even know her, let alone love her. He tried to get up to leave again.
Priscilla’s father had come in to tell her that her brother was certainly not melted cheese, until he saw Kevin and became overwhelmingly confused.
“Who is this?”
“He’s my fiancé, Daddy. We fell in love,” she grinned at him.
Her father was delighted. “Well! A son-in-law! That’s wonderful!” He made his way over to Kevin, and shook his hand, practically breaking a bone.
“Well, actually, I was just about to go home. You see, I don’t really…” seeing the glare form in her father, Kevin trailed off.
“What are you saying?” Priscilla's father boomed. “My daughter isn’t good enough for you? Is that it?” His grip on Kevin’s hand grew unbearably tight.
“No, no, Sir. That’s not it at all.” He cringed. “I, uh, love her. Sir.”
Priscilla's father grinned again, beaming at his daughter and his soon to be son-in-law. “Good,” he said, before leaving the room.
Kevin stayed with Priscilla and her family for two grueling days. She was just so peppy and bad at everything even though she thought she was good at it. The only good thing about this arrangement was that he was better than her at pretty much everything. And winning for once felt good to him.
This, however, didn’t stop him from trying to find a way to escape from that crazy family. So on his third day there, he called for the woodland creatures to come help him. Unfortunately, the only animal that came to his rescue was a chipmunk. Using what he had, he wrote a note to his brothers to come save him from this intolerable woman and her crazy family.
The chipmunk didn’t have far to go; there was only one house between their’s. But the house that stood in between them was that of a beautiful princess named Muriel. She loved to cause trouble and chaos, so when the eager little chipmunk ran through her yard with the note held in his mouth, she stopped him in his tracks.
“What’s this?” she picked him up by the scruff of his neck and pulled the note out of the chipmunk’s mouth.
(In case you were wondering, the chipmunk’s name was Ralph, and he hated being picked up by the scruff of his neck the way the princess had just then. However, he couldn’t speak to humans; his angry squeaks were useless to talk to the princess with; he might as well have been silent for all the good it did him. The story of Ralph’s revenge is that of a different day however, so now I will get back to the one at hand.)
The princess read the note and had an idea. She put the chipmunk back on the ground and ignored his squeaking as she walked back into her house. She dressed up in a witch costume, and snuck over to the house next door.
Kevin was inside, watching Priscilla dance and trying not to vomit. The princess snickered to herself. What a wonderfully wicked situation! ...And what interesting shoes that cow has... maybe I'll steal them once I steal her future husband! she thought evilly.
Kevin excused himself to the bathroom for a break from his own personal torture, and the princess took this opportunity to strike. She climbed in through the bathroom window, startling Kevin. “Who are you!?” he whispered.
“I am a witch, and I’ve come here to either rescue you or to send you to your own personal hell!” she added a maniacal laugh to make it seem more realistic.
“What do I have to do?” he whispered, desperate.
“You have to beat me at one game. If you win I will help you escape from here and you will never see that cow again…but if you loose…” she trailed her long fingernail along the window sill menacingly. “You will have to go through with the marriage, and live with Priscilla for the rest of your life!” she grinned darkly. She didn't have the power to actually force him to do this, but she wanted to make him think she did.
"What game?" he asked suspiciously.
"Umm..." She hadn't thought of that.
Kevin noticed her hesitation so he quickly suggested playing chess. "I already have a board with me," he said as he pulled it out. He was sure he could beat her.
He even let the princess make the first move. They both calculated each move carefully before they even put a hand on any given piece. After about ten or fifteen minutes, they heard a knock on the door, and they both jumped.
“Kevy?” they heard Priscilla ask, a little worried. The princess snickered. Kevin’s face flushed.
“Yeah?”
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah. Just, uh…” he tried to think fast. “I’m just, uh, shaving?" He cringed at his bad excuse.
“Oh. Ok. Well, let me know if you need anything! Like extra toilet paper or something!” Then they heard her wooden clogs clack away down the hall.
Kevin had the game almost won. He had the princess in check, and it was his turn. She hadn’t seen that possible move, and he was about to take her king when he considered what he really wanted.
Priscilla was stupid, ugly, and annoying. But when he was around her, he was like a king. Everything he did was considered interesting and impressive. Plus, he supposed she had grown on him, and even though the thought of kissing her again made him gag, he didn’t want to never see her again.
He made his decision. Kevin didn’t take her king. Instead, he left his open for attack, and the princess took it the next turn with a triumphant “Aha!”
He pretended to feel defeated, as she cried, “Now you must marry that monster, and live with it for your entire life!”
The way the princess was making fun of Priscilla annoyed Kevin, and he gritted his teeth at her, but couldn't say anything or she would know he lost on purpose. She left with a flick of her cape out the window.
Kevin went back to the room, and watched Priscilla dace with her clogs from Finland, finding he didn't mind it so much.
Kevin and Priscilla eventually got married, and he didn’t even gag when the priest told him to kiss his bride.
The end.
...