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“No, don’t hurt me I didn’t do anything to hurt you! Please don’t hurt me!
“Oh but I am going to because I love you. It’s selfish I know but I need you. Nothing would be different then it is now.
“Everything would be different. I would be what you are. I would be with you.
“You would-“
“Lola time for dinner!”
“Coming mom! I’ll get back to you later.” Lola smiled at her dolls with a childish grin and then left the room in one sweeping motion leaving her long red hair to trail behind her.
When She reached the bottom of the spiral staircase she heard a distant ring of the phone. She ignored it and made her long journey to the dinning room where everything interesting happens. She was almost there when her mother called her in all the way from the living room. Lola turned around and made yet another journey to the living room. “What is it mom?”
“The phone is for you.”
“Oh thank you.” She took the phone from her mother and waited until her mother was out of hearing. “Hello? … Oh hi Elizabeth how are you? … That’s good. So is there something you wanted? … About the play? What about it? … Shut up. I don’t care that I’m to old to be playing with dolls. It helps me think better … Yeah, yeah don’t give me that whole thing about me starting me A levels (9th grade) and still playing with dolls. I don’t care really. Now besides that is there anything that you needed? … Oh yeah I’m almost done with that. You can come by after dinner in about an hour … Okay see you then.” She hung the phone up and made her way back to the dinning room to sit down and eat dinner with her small family.
Her Lola’s state it made no sense at all for her family to have the house that they have. They should be living in town with a good salary and a nice house. Instead the live at the top of the town on a hill in the largest house that you can imagine. Inside the house there is ten bathrooms on the first two floors. Fifteen bedrooms on the first three floors, and then in the corners of the house there and extra, smaller, rooms for the servants to live in if they need to. In the basement there are three bathrooms and two bedrooms a small living room and kitchen. On the fourth floor there were ten bedrooms, five bathrooms, and a small kitchen, and then a bunch of extra door that had hallways through them. The hallways went all over the house and it was hard to tell where you going to end up. So besides the few bedrooms, bathrooms, and kitchen nobody went in the other doors. There were about twenty-five extra doors that nobody touched. Well Lola did go through them but only when she new her parents were on a different floor and new that they wouldn’t call her anytime soon.
Lola had the imagination of a six year-old and would go exploring her house to think of more details to add to her play that she was writing. Her friend, Elizabeth, thought she was crazy because of how she pictured things. She would always be off somewhere else while Elizabeth was trying to talk to her about something important and then Lola would jump up and pull Elizabeth off somewhere where she would get so crazy idea to go do something that would get them into a lot of trouble. Elizabeth didn’t her ideas but she never knew what they were going to be doing. Most of the time it had something to do with the play.
The play was a project that the two girls had been working on since the beginning of school. They were in the same Language Arts class and thought that they could work on the play as extra credit and not do some of the assignments because of the play. Also they wanted to have it to be preformed at the end of the school year. They have been working on the play since 8th grade and now it’s the beginning of their high school year so they want to finish the play by the middle of the year and start rehearsing it right away.
When Lola sat down at the table her parents had already started to eat. Lola always loved dinner because always around the time she got to the table something always happened. Someone she hadn’t seen for a long time would come knocking on the door or some lost kitten or puppy would come walking down the stairs and in to the dinning room. But lately strange things have been happening. Such as the clock stopped working for five minutes and when it started again it was going faster then normal. Then the largest storm came. All of that happened at 6:30. When Lola sat down after the phone call she looked at the clock. It was two minutes until 6:30 struck. Lola sat at the table talked happily to her parents, but her mood decreased every minute that went by after 6:30. After dinner she went into her room on the third floor and shut and locked the door so no one could come in. She was waiting for her mother to call her down to come and get her friend. But no such noise came. Maybe she had forgotten to come.




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“No, don’t hurt meperiod or semicolon I didn’t do anything to hurt you! Please don’t hurt me!Close quote. Also you say "hurt" an awful lot in so small a space.
“Oh but I am "am" should probably be italicized. going to because I love you. It’s selfishComma I know Comma but I need you. Nothing would be different then it is now.Close quote.
“Everything would be different. I would be what you are. I would be with you. Close quote.
“You would-“You need two dashes, or a long dash there. Word will give you a long dash.
“LolaComma. time for dinner!”
“Coming Comma. Capitalize "Mom". mom! I’ll get back to you later.” Lola smiled at her dolls with a childish grin So was she playing with her dolls or...actually talking to them. You probably should add some action description at the beginning. I mean, I understand that you're trying to set it up for a "Surprise! It's toys!" thing here, but we can't picture anything. and then left the room in one sweeping motion leaving her long red hair to trail behind her. She left it? Like lying on the floor to flop down the stairs after her or something? (I'm being facetious, of course ;) )
When She Don't capitalize "she". reached the bottom of the spiral staircase she heard a distant ring of the phone. "she heard the phone ringing" She ignored it and made her long journey to the dinning room "went on into the dining..." where everything interesting happens. This makes it sound as if you're saying that everything interesting happens in all dining rooms everywhere... She was almost there when her mother called her in all the way from the living room. "when her mother called for her again". Lola turned around and made yet another journey to the living room. Wait, what? What's with all of this elephant trekking? We really only need to know that she walked. It's not much of a journey from dining room to living room, is it?“What is it Comma. Capitalize "Mom". mom?”
“The phone is for you.”
“Oh Comma thank you. She would probably just say "thanks" if she's calling her mother "Mom". Nitpick, I know.” She took the phone from her Have we heard the girl's name yet? You're using an awful lot of pronouns. mother and waited until her mother was out of hearing. New paragraph. “Hello? … Oh Comma hi Elizabeth Comma or period. how are you? … That’s good. So is there something you wanted? … About the play? What about it? … Shut up. I don’t care that I’m to old to be playing with dolls. Hahaha I admit that that's a cute line. But you need to describe how she's reacting to the phone call. Is she impatient? Is she looking out the window? This would help to develop her own personality and show her interactions with Elizabeth. It helps me think better … Yeah, yeah don’t give me that whole thing about me starting me "my" A levels (9th grade) Does she actually say "A levels--ninth grade--"? I doubt it. No need to tell the reader. If you're worried they won't get it, just mention her age soon or better establish her as a younger girl. and still playing with dolls. I don’t care really. Now besides that is there anything that you needed? … Oh yeah I’m almost done with that. You can come by after dinner in about an hour … Okay see you then.” So how did Elizabeth know that she was playing with her dolls? She hung the phone up and made her way back to the dinning room to sit down and eat dinner with her small family. Strike small. Let the reader decide whether or not it's small. Also, has her name really not been introduced? You need to use it more often.
Her Lola’s Sorry, what? state it made no sense at all for her family to have the house that they have. "that they had". You're writing in past tense. They should be living in town with a good salary and a nice house. Instead they live at the top of the town So the mental image I get with this is a house perched on top of all the other houses' roofs. on a hill in the largest house that you can imagine. I hate to break it to you, but that's pretty cliche. You're going to have to redeem the setting somehow. Inside the house there is "There were ten bathrooms on the...". But other than the awkward phrasing, are you sure there could be ten? I mean, that's a pretty...substantial number. ten bathrooms on the first two floors. Fifteen bedrooms on the first three floors, Couldn't you just say that there were fifteen bathrooms in the house? and then in the corners of the house there and were extra, smaller, cut both commas. rooms for the servants to live in if they needed to. In the basement there are were three bathrooms and two bedroomsComma a small living room and kitchen. On the fourth floor there were ten bedrooms, five bathrooms, and a small kitchen, and then a bunch of extra door that had hallways through them. The hallways went all over the house and it was hard to tell where you going to end up. So besides the few bedrooms, bathrooms, and kitchen nobody went in the other doors. There were about twenty-five extra doors that nobody touched. Well Lola did go through them but only when she new her parents were on a different floor and new that they wouldn’t call her anytime soon. Um. Okay, you're really waxing eloquent on the house, but readers don't know anything about it other than the fact that it's bigger than the white house. It has twenty-three bathrooms? Think about that. It just comes across as if you wanted to make sure readers knew this was a big house. But, honestly, it's illogical. There are hotels with fewer bathrooms than that.
Lola had the imagination of a six year-old and would go exploring her house to think of more details to add to her play that she was writing. Her friend, Elizabeth, thought she was crazy because of how she pictured things. She would always be off somewhere else This sounds as if she is physically off somewhere else. while Elizabeth was trying to talk to her about something important and then Lola would jump up and pull Elizabeth off somewhere where she would get so crazy idea to go do something that would get them into a lot of trouble. Like what? Elizabeth didn’t her ideas Didn't what her ideas? but she never knew what they were going to be doing. Most of the time it had something to do with the play.
The play was a project that the two girls had been working on since the beginning of school. They were in the same Language Arts AKA English. They have phones. They would call it English. class and thought that they could work on the play as extra credit and not do some of the assignments because of the play. Also they wanted to have it to be preformed at the end of the school year. They have had. You keep switching tenses.been working on the play since 8th grade and now it’s the beginning of their high school year so they want to finish the play by the middle of the year and start rehearsing it right away. Info dump, much?
When Lola sat down at the table her parents had already started to eat. Lola always loved dinner because always around the time she got to the table something always happened. Someone she hadn’t seen for a long time would come knocking on the door or some lost kitten or puppy would come walking down the stairs and in to into the dinning room. But lately strange things have had been happening. So random animals walking into the room isn't strange? Such as the clock stopped working for five minutes and when it started again it was going faster then normal. Then the largest storm came. Largest compared to what? Largest ever? Noah and his Ark might have you beat. All of that happened at 6:30. When Lola sat down after the phone call she looked at the clock. It was two minutes until 6:30 struck. Lola sat at the table and talked happily to her parents, but her mood decreased moods can't decrease unless she just...stops feeling. every minute that went by after 6:30. After dinner she went into her room on the third floor and shut and locked the door so no one could come in. She was waiting for her mother to call her down to come and get her friend. But no such noise came. Maybe she had forgotten to come.

Not a bad start, at least concept-wise, and the ending was pretty good in that it tempts the reader to continue on.
One thing that you need to watch carefully are your tenses. You switch all the time.
Logically, I'm still not sold that the house could be that big.
You also do some major info-dumping, which would be much better if worked into the narrative.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Avens


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thats crazy... and funnny.. funny crazy. so her friends her dolls.. orshes just gettingditched.. ohhhh i just odnt know
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