Faded Heart

My love for you is eternal,
My love for you is strong,
My love for you is lethal,
But you want it gone.

My hands are shaking,
My heart is being ripped,
My happiness is breaking,
Just another wasted trip…

I wanted to give you it all,
I thought you were the one to be,
The one to break my fall,
The one to never leave.

Now I sit here crying,
My tears never stopping,
I’m building up a wall,
So no one will be leaving.

This poem is really good. I'm not sure if you meant to leave out the is in the first line or not. I'm not sure what else to say. this poem has a strong message, and I think you portrayed it fairly well. I would love to read some of your other work.

Does this really belong in dramatic poetry? It seems more lyrical to me based on Incandescence's description. It focuses on emotion without the action and events required to consider it dramatic. Never mind, let's get on to reviewing.
I think that Stanza two is the best as is really gives a sense of the emotional effects of what has happened. However, this 'trip' is not clear. Of course this could be entirely intentional that we are meant to use our own imagination. The cause of her anguish is easily recognisable, but maybe it is left too wide and a few obscure details might promt our imagination and make it little more interesting.
I think you could develop the idea of the love being 'lethal'. An attempt at this seems to have been made in the last stanza. Maybe this could be developed?
Things like this are VERY hard to write.There's lots of strong emotions that can be played upon but the fact is that it's a subject that is widely written about and therefore it's hard not to be cliche. I think it's the last two lines that set the poem apart:

I’m building up a wall,
So no one will be leaving.

I think if you deveolpd this idea of a wall and why the narrator is building it then it will add more depth and interest to the poem and als something for the reader to think about. It's an interesting idea.

Yet another poem that depicts well written despair.






Very good. Hope to read more from you soon. And also, I think that poetry is a great way to heal a broken heart. I was depressed about three years back for something a friend did, and so I just layed in bed in my room and wrote away.



About a week later, I felt better, all because I wrote down what I was feeling inside. Good work.




Bye.

Hey BloodSunset.

Ok, here I go, first crit since I've joined this site so I hope I do O.K.

I feel you in this poem. It's exactly how I felt when my girlfriend decided to cheat on me. (That's why I have given up on relationships.)

-I wanted to give you it all,

I thought you were the one to be,

The one to break my fall,

The one to never leave.-

Whoa. That was my favorite part, so let me say it again... WHOA! That was amazing.

Also the building a wall part, reminded me of Pink Floyd.

You're really good, and as far as I can see, no real grammer mistakes.

I really liked this so keep it the way it is.

-Sadie

My love for you is eternal,

My love for you is strong,

My love for you is lethal,

But you want it gone.

(( Last line is too short. Perhaps "But now you want it gone."



My hands are shaking,
(( A syllable too short. ))
My heart is being ripped,

My happiness is breaking,

Just another wasted trip…
(( No ellipses ))


I wanted to give you it all,

I thought you were the one to be,
(( I thought that you would be ))
The one to break my fall,

The one to never leave.



Now I sit here crying,

My tears never stopping,

I’m building up a wall,

So no one will be leaving.

(( Line 2 and 4 don't rhyme. ))



Aside from the slight correction indicated, I really enjoyed this poem. It has a nice rhythm to it, flowing really well, and the rhyming was mostly well-done.

The first and third stanzas are my favorites. The second stanza needs slight modification, but is fine. It's that last stanza that bugs me. An inner wall is built to keep people out, not to keep people in. Also, you left off your rhyme scheme.