? - CH 1.

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This is my very first piece of writing on this board :D! & I'm quite excited I must say lol.
It's the first part of a very long chapter, which I didn't want to post all at once incase it was off-putting, but I guess should be kept in mind whilst reading. Please be as critical as possible :) Thank you!


CH1 - PART 1

Nine years feels like nothing when you relive the same day every night in your dreams, when you can recall every moment and every feeling like it happened yesterday. Tonight is no different to any other night and as I wearily close my eyes, losing the barriers of consciousness to sleep, I can see the same familiar images flickering into focus…

The lazy morning sun struggled to leak though the thick clouds and the trees spilling over the footpath drowned me in distorted shadows. The thrill of successfully sneaking out without being caught had left me somewhere back at the front gate and the swagger I’d adopted on my way down the front path had turned into an anxious half-run. I followed the familiar bend where the footpath suddenly narrowed and the trees became so hunched either side that they met in the middle. I hurried through the leafy tunnel, my eyes fixed straight ahead, ignoring the rustling and twittering of the hidden creatures lurking in the branches. Eventually I reached the part of the path where it slowly began to widen and the dense forest began to sink back, allowing the cool morning sunshine to bathe me in its comforting glow. As it straightened out fully I could see her house. I could see her small frame sat on the garden wall, legs swinging back and forth with content. Her head was tilted to one side dreamily and her hands, either side of her, were tracing idle patterns on the wall in symmetrical sweeping motions. As I got closer I could see the droplets of light dancing in the wiry strands of her untamed auburn hair that haphazardly fell about her face and sat in a thick plait on her back. She turned to look at me as my clumpy shoes against the gravely ground announced my arrival. Her face was as chalky as always and her large eyes shone with excitement.

“Morning,” she beamed, jumping down from the wall to stand in front of me.

“Hi,” I replied meekly.

“I’ve been waiting for hours,” she said dramatically, but still with a smile so broad it was almost tickling her ears.

“Sorry,” I managed to mumble.

“What for?” she asked giggling.

I shrugged helplessly.

“Silly George,” she said, shaking her head fondly and taking me by the hand.

The bracelets and bangles running up her arm knocked against my wrist with their smooth, round beads and jingled musically as she swung our conjoined arms back and forth.

We were taking our usual route, which began at the foot of the forest. A familiar mild flutter of fear teased my insides as we approached the crowded woodland. No matter how many times we walked through it, it never seemed to get any friendlier. Each time we ended up taking a slightly different route, sometimes getting lost. We had to walk straight; very straight if we were to eventually come out at the cliffs, but more often than not Ally would run off in all different directions to give us an adventure, put us in a predicament we had to struggle out of, just for the fun of it.

We dropped hands as we reached the wooden fence that marked the end of the safety of the footpath, and the beginning of the leafy unknown. We set about clambering our way over it. Ally first, then me second. I caught sight of her chosen footwear as she jumped down on the other side and smiled. One knee-length clumpy black boot was tied clumsily to one foot and on the other sat a pretty red shoe with a neat bow to the side. She caught sight of mine, as I followed her over, and clicked her tongue disapprovingly.

“Your shoes are the same again,” she giggled, shaking her head. ”You don’t half look funny!”

I looked down at my matching white trainers and laughed too, saying I wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

We wandered through the trees, ducking under low branches and stumbling through prickly bushes, thankfully going very definitely in a straight line. Ally began to sing all the wrong words to one of those songs her mum always played on the radio. I felt my pent up anxiety about what or who was lurking in the trees around us physically drop from my shoulders as she cheerfully sang away. Our feet practically bounced over the soft damp earth of the forest floor and I felt almost weightless, like if I kicked off hard enough I could fly up above the canopy looming over us. But the alien feeling of being carefree was short-lived as a niggling thought swiftly entered my head. It was a curiosity to know what was so special about today’s adventure, a curiosity to discover the reason for the excitement that danced in her throat as she sang and sparkled in her shockingly green eyes as she walked. So reluctantly I interrupted her tuneful rambling, my curiosities getting the better of me.

“Ally?” I began cautiously.

“Yes, George?”

“What we gonna’ do today?”

“We’re moving,” she told me, very matter-of-factly.

“Moving?”

“Yep,” she smiled.

“Where too?” I asked, slightly perplexed.

“From the cove, to a new place,” she explained dreamily, staring off into the distance. “A beautiful place. My mum told me about it last night and I can see it from my window. It’s our new special place George.”

I mulled this over for a while as we continued to walk, before asking, “where is this place?”

“On top of the hill behind my garden,” she replied gleefully, as if she’d been sure to memorise it.

“Hill behind your garden?” I enquired, my voice wobbling slightly.

“Yeah,” she said lightly. “You must have seen it before. You can’t miss it!”

“Y-Yeah,” I replied faltering. “That hill with the house.”

“That’s the place!” she exclaimed excitedly, dropping my hand and dancing around on the spot.

My stomach flipped uncomfortably and I felt the colour drain from my face.

“It’s so perfect,” she said blissfully.

“Have you been there before?” I asked squeakily.

She shook her head so that her loose curls bounced softly against her face.

“Never. I can’t wait!” she beamed, picking my hand up again and resuming her singing.

“Me neither,” I said in almost a whisper, suddenly feeling incredibly sick.

She smiled mid-song and squeezed my hand.

We continued to trample our way through the forest, Ally skipping and swinging her arms, making me laugh as mine swung awkwardly with hers. Occasionally she’d stop and bend down as something unusual caught her eye, picking it up and popping it into her bag. It was something she always did, collecting ingredients for her magical concoctions that we’d sometimes foolishly sample. She was convinced she had supernatural powers and knowing her as I did, so was I. But she was picking up those particular objects with a scrutiny I’d never seen before.

“Special magic to be made today,’ she kept muttering under her breath.

I looked at her expression closely as she spoke, noting a deep seriousness in her frown. It did nothing to calm the feeling of dread that had gradually begun to form like a bubble in the middle of my throat. I just hoped it wouldn’t burst into floods of cowardly tears and I would be able see this adventure through. I swallowed hard and concentrated on the thought of it being beautiful and special just like Ally had said, managing to trick myself into feeling excited. Well, very nearly.
"It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words." - Orwell, 1984.

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I figured I'd review since no one has yet. I liked the story and the only thing that bothered me were the few grammer and punctation errors. First, however, I must say that Lol and all the other "chatspeak" don't belong in a story, even in just the note, unless one of your characters are typing it. Its one rule we follow strictly here. Some chatspeak is allowed in chat so please save it for chat. :)

As I got closer I could see the droplets of light dancing in the wiry strands of her untamed auburn hair that haphazardly fell about her face and sat in a thick plait on her back.
I like the line but there's too much detail. The readers need something to imagine about her.

and her hands, either side of her,
Add 'to' after Hands.

she asked giggling.
Comma after Asked.

”You don’t half look funny!”
This line doesn't make any sense to me.

saying I wouldn’t make the same mistake again.
Add That after Saying.

“What we gonna’ do today?”
No apostophe after Gonna.

“From the cove, to a new place,”
No comma after the cove.

“where is this place?”
Capitalize the W.

Overall, I think there was too much detail but it was still good. I'm sorry if I was harsh. Anyway, you should post of the rest of it, even if you don't end up finishing it. I never finish stories and a lot of other people have stories they got stuck on and forgot about. :D
Last edited by alwaysawriter on Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Meshugenah says to (18:12:36):
Kat's my new favorite. other than Sachi.

WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?




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Thank you very much for the feedback! :D
Being harsh is good because it helps pave the way for improvement and sorry about the "chatspeak", I had just assumed it would be alright if it wasn't in the story itself.
I've written up to chapter 10 of this story so far, so there will definitely be more!
"It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words." - Orwell, 1984.

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Its okay. Sorry for the quotation errors--I have that mostly figured out. I apologize for not being friendly or anything. Most people call me Always or Al but anything is fine. PM or e-mail me if you need any help with anything. Since I know you have a lot of chapters, you can just link the chapters. ex:

Chapter 1: (press the URL button before and after you put the link)

etc, once you post all of them. It makes life easier so they can just easily go from chapter to chapter. :D

-Always

I forgot to tell you my e-mail. I have two; [url]trulysane2000@yahoo.com[/url] and [url]alwaysawriter@hotmail.com[/url]. Either one works fine. :) That goes for anyone, of course, so if you know anyone that's having trouble, they can PM me or e-mail me (or the other important people who are in colors) and one of us will help.
Meshugenah says to (18:12:36):
Kat's my new favorite. other than Sachi.

WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?




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Nice to meet you Always :) & thanks for the tips & advice, I really appreciate it!
"It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words." - Orwell, 1984.

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No problem. :) I don't mean the people in colors are better than anyone else, for the record, I just mean that we're all here to help. You can ask anyone else for help too, of course, (like the people that have seemingly millions of posts and have been here a while) I'm going to stop babbling because you probably know all this stuff. :)
Meshugenah says to (18:12:36):
Kat's my new favorite. other than Sachi.

WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?




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Don't worry I knew what you meant :)

Here's the second part to this first chapter.

CH 1 - PART 2:

Gradually the trees began to become sparser and the sound of crashing waves grew thicker as we got closer to the edge of the cliffs and the sea. We walked until we were stood where we could look right over down at the angry water crashing below us. I stepped back a little but Ally stood right on the edge, her eyes closed greeting the harsh wind washing over us. My heart thudded uncomfortably against my ribcage as I watched her. She spread her arms open wide and began to sway back and forth, from heel to toe, heel to toe, heel to toe. I bit my lip anxiously. After a few moments more of doing my very best not to snatch her back I gave in and reaching out I grabbed her hand, jolting her towards me.

“Hey! What you doing?” she said gruffly snatching her hand back and shoving me on the shoulder.

“You were too close to the edge Ally,” I replied shakily.

“Yeah, so? What did you think I was gonna do?” she snapped and without waiting for an answer she stomped off ahead.

I sighed heavily and ran after her. She wasn’t her dad, she wouldn’t do what he did, happy people don’t do things like that and I was certain that Ally was the happiest person I knew. I ran to catch her up, eventually falling into step with her. I kept silent for a while, before clearing my throat and mumbling an, “I’m sorry Ally.”
She didn’t answer, just kept looking straight ahead, but her features had softened and her fists unclenched themselves.

By the time we had reached the beach I was completely forgiven and she took my hand again.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated.

“For what?” she said, dismissively.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Come on,” she suddenly said, letting go of my hand and running off across the beach.

Smiling I followed her. Spray from the sea whirled around us as the sky darkened and the wind grew stronger. Ally embraced it with her arms held high above her head saluting the sky, singing and twirling around. Deciding I was being too slow and passive she ran back to me and grabbed both my hands. We span around on the spot laughing and cheering, until dizzily we fell into a heap on the wet sand. After a little while spent catching our breath, Ally got back up and started running again, I followed as best I could blinking away the fat droplets of rain that had started hitting me hard and fast in the face.

I eventually caught her up at the mouth of our cove. Gulping slightly as I sized up the sharp rocks guarding its entrance I took a deep breath and gingerly began treading my way around them. Ally expertly skipped her way across in a matter of minutes, and sat on a flat rock just inside, sheltered from the rain. I could sense her watching me in my usual struggle and ever desperate to impress her I foolishly pushed myself to move faster than I could and inevitably made a wrong move and fell. I clasped my hands over the gash the particularly nasty rock had made across the bottom of my knee, tears angrily filling my eyes as warm sticky blood covered my fingers. The salty tears mixed with cool rain on my hot cheeks, as I squeezed my eyes shut and bit down hard on my lip. I felt a brush of material across my foot and my crying calming I opened my ears to see Ally crouching precariously at my feet. Tutting, she took my bloody hands roughly away from the cut and examined it. I watched her curiously, wiping my tear-stained face with my sleeve. She took her bag off of her shoulder and after a few moments of digging around she pulled out an old piece of material, she had most probably picked up off of the forest floor. She dabbed it gently at my leg, her tongue lightly tracing over her bottom lip with concentration.

“Have to stop it running out,” she told me, leaning back and putting the cloth down. “If it all ran out, then you would drop down dead.”

Eyes widening I just stared at her, my teeth sinking anxiously into the insides of my mouth.

“Right!” she said suddenly, taking me by surprise and putting both hands onto my leg, either side of the offending cut.

She gently pushed it towards the ground until it was straight and much to my horror I watched as she put her mouth to the cut and sucked hard. Mortified, I pulled my leg away and she lifted her head. I was holding my leg tightly up against me, my chin almost resting on my knee, my other leg still stretched out. She wiped her mouth on her pale wrist, leaving faint traces of my blood on her pasty skin and clicked her tongue, nodding towards my leg.

“It didn’t work.”

I looked down at to see a fresh trickle of blood worming its way round my calf.

“Never mind,” she sighed and delving back into the depths of her bag she slowly drew out the rusty knife we’d once discovered washed up at the entrance of the cove.

It felt like my eyes were going to pop straight out of my head, as dumbfounded I could do nothing else but open and close my mouth inaudibly. She turned it about in her hands, holding it up to look at it properly and then with a satisfied shrug turned her attention back to my leg.

“There’s nothing more I can do for it,” she said after a brief examination, causing my dazed stare to drift up from the knife to her, with a fresh pang of fear running up my spine.

She looked at me with a detached pity and I felt my forehead twist into a perplexed frown.

“Gonna have to amputate.”
"It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words." - Orwell, 1984.

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Before I say anything, you don't have to post them all in one post. You can go to the Create A New Post button and click on it then add the URLs before you begin the chapter; that way you get more reviews. :)



ribcage
Two words, not one.

my very best
Very doesn't have to be there; its an extra word.

and reaching out
Comma after 'and' and before 'out'.

She wasn’t her dad, she wouldn’t do what he did, happy people don’t do things like that and I was certain that Ally was the happiest person I knew.
What about "She wasn't her dad so she wouldn't do what he did; happy people don't do things like that and I was certain that Ally was the happiest person I knew."?

She didn’t answer, just kept looking straight ahead, but her features had softened and her fists unclenched themselves.
I think you should add a semi-colon instead of the first comma and take out the second one.

she said, dismissively.
No comma. I apologize for reviewing in the first chapter to put a comma; I wasn't sure about it before.

Smiling I followed her.
Comma.

We span around on the spot laughing and cheering, until dizzily we fell into a heap on the wet sand.
No comma.

After a little while spent catching our breath, Ally got back up and started running again, I followed as best I could blinking away the fat droplets of rain that had started hitting me hard and fast in the face.
Forget the commas and add 'so' in place of the second comma. Then add a comma after 'could'.

its entrance I took a deep breath
Comma after 'its'.

Ally expertly skipped her way across in a matter of minutes,
No comma.

desperate to impress her I foolishly pushed myself to move faster than I could and inevitably made a wrong move and fell.
Add 'so' after 'her'.

“There’s nothing more I can do for it,” she said after a brief examination, causing my dazed stare to drift up from the knife to her, with a fresh pang of fear running up my spine.
I like this line.

Good job. :)
Meshugenah says to (18:12:36):
Kat's my new favorite. other than Sachi.

WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?



Steps to enlightenment brighten the way, but the steps are steep. Take them one at a time.
— Cheshire Cat (American McGee's Alice)