wolf hunt

THE WOLF HUNT


There she is . . . grazing solemnly. Adrenaline flows through my veins, my heart races. I’m scared to death, but still exited. My legs are spring loaded, and ready to pounce. I look at the rest of the pack, who all seem as excited as I.
All off a sudden two male wolves charge forward. The moose sees them, and readies herself, with her antlers down
As the two wolves sprinted forward, snarling viciously, I, along with the rest of the pack watch them in suspense. It seems like forever until they finally reach the moose and (the wolf that was in head of the other) leaps out at it with his claws outstretched and his mouth open, displaying his vicious fangs.
But as the wolf was in mid air the big moose swings her giant antlers. With a yelp, the wolf is sent sprawling on to the ground. But the other wolf is still in sprinted forward. He chomps at the moose’s legs.
Suddenly, all of the pack around me starts running towards the moose. If find myself running along with them, amid the chaotic charge. I look up at the moose who his now bucking wildly, with wolves biting and nipping at it from every direction.
Just as I draw near to the giant moose, she craned her neck upward, giving me the perfect opportunity.
I jump through the air, and time seems to slow down . . . until finally my claws lock into the sides of the moose’s neck, and chomp hard. I feel the flesh between my teeth. The moose cries out and starts thrashing wildly. Whatever I do I know that can’t let go. I am being flung around wildly, so I dig in harder, and finally the moose collapses . . . dead.
Already the pack starts tearing apart the moose and feasting, but when they realized it was I who killed the moose they stop and make room for me, because they know that it was my kill, and my victory.



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I need some help grammerwise on commas and where to change paragraphs. any help?

sup....yea, I have no idea where to put commas and stuff.my only correction is that
I don't think female mooses(meese?) have antlers.


-just call me cool

It seems like forever until they finally reach the moose and (the wolf that was in head of the other) leaps out at it with his claws outstretched and his mouth open, displaying his vicious fangs.

Okay, you've done something a little wrong with the paranthesis. When you have a sentence like this with parenthesis in it you need the sentence to function correctly even with out the words parenthesised. Here's how yours would read.
-It seems like forever until they finally reach the moose and leaps out at it with his claws outstretched and his mouth open, displaying his vicious fangs.-
Notice how weird it sounds? I'd rephrase it so that you don't need the paranthesis.

But the other wolf is still in sprinted forward.

This sounds weird and I'm pretty sure it isn't grammatically correct. Rephrase as so:
-But the other wolf is still sprinting forward.-

Already the pack starts tearing apart the moose and feasting, but when they realized it was I who killed the moose they stop and make room for me, because they know that it was my kill, and my victory.

Nice touch. I think real wolves do that (or somethinglike it), so it was a nice litte addition.

Overall this was pretty good. It was an easy, interesting read, but you have one problem. You never describe the world around the wolf. Was the she-moose in a clearing or in the woods? Were the wolves hiding in the brush or just closing in on her? Was it night or day? Etc, etc. Do you get my point? With those descriptions added in this could become far better.

PS: And Hobbes was right. Female moose dont' have antlers, only the males do. To keep the action I'd make it a male moose. Besides, I think a male moose would be more likely to be alone than a female.

[quote="Gabe"]THE WOLF HUNT



As the two wolves sprinted forward, snarling viciou

hummmum.. yea the grammar was a bit off, misplaced commas adn such.. like the ending.. no commas needed... but i think that one person up there probably corrected everything... witha ll the qoautes and such.. bu tyoure young and it all comes in time.. know... what i have a problem with is.. how do you know a wolf would think like this.. how doyou know thats what they think.. you know.. like she calls them wolves.. lets see im gonna try that quuate thing like dude did.. and i just messed it up.. huh see.. this place is complicated.. anyway....i wanted to say.. qoaute.. two male wolves jump at her. end quate.. now do we say.. two humans stepped into a mcdonalds.. or two male people or beings ordered fries? maybe you could of given them names.. but then i dont know how you would since we dont know what wolves really call them selves... so you know.. even tho this wasnt very accurate.. well ur young you got time to improve.. oh and ps.. you have a few tense problems also.. like at the end.. it goes from present to past and then so on.. shoot i wish i knw how to quate so here..

'Already the pack starts tearing apart the moose and feasting, (present) but when they realized (past) it was I who killed the moose they stop (present) and make room for me, because they know that it was my kill, and my victory.

I would of done like... the pack is already starting to feast, tearing the moose apart, but as they realize it was I who killed the moose, they stop and make room for me. They know it was my kill and my victory... thats if you want it to sound like its happening right now.. but you knwo this.. sounds better huh? does to me.. but heres a mill and one way you could of done it.. better than original.. not saying yours sucks but it just needs tweaking.. like you know and cause you asked.. right? anyway.. im not a wolf so dont listne to anything i just said.. its for all we know they think in german.. but its a good guess to what they might think when they go hunting.. or they even might call it bagooling.. right?

I’m scared to death, but still excited.

I look at the rest of the pack, who all seem as excited as I am.

All off a sudden, two male wolves charge forward. The moose sees them, and readies herself, with her antlers down.

It seems like forever until they finally reach the moose and (the wolf that was in head of the other) leaps out at it with his claws outstretched and his mouth open, displaying his vicious fangs.

I don't think the parenthesis works.

But as the wolf was in mid-air, the big moose swings her giant antlers.

I find myself running along with them, amid the chaotic charge

Whatever I do, I know that I can’t let go.

I think this is an interesting challange. I kind of like it.

A couple of typos here and there, more of an oversight than anything else. Is this just a short piece, or is there more to it?

Imagery is good, very impressive. The movements of the wolf pack are well thought out, did you research this or know from experience (watched a hunt)?

Elegant writing style; like my fellow reviewers above have said, just watch structure. Otherwise, well done.

this is just a short piece. I just wanted to post something and see what people say about it. Give me some practice. I have done some reasarch in the past on grey wolves. and I do know that they do hunt in packs. I"m not completely sure that the two alpha wolves charge fisrt, but I do know that who ever gets the kill willl get most of the meats, but usually its a free-for -alll(unless the alpha wolf says so)
all in alll wolves are reallly fascinating

That's sweet. I really love how it makes the reader feel the excitement and fear... It makes it very alive. good job gabe!! i really love peices where it's from an animals point of veiw. good job!!!

-m.j.-

i think this is a very interesting story. i like how its in the point of view of a wolf. I like the detail of the attack on the moose. Also i enjoyed that the protagonist was actually nervous and afraid. However, i think the word moose is a little over used. Since you established that the moose is a female, you could replace some "moose"s with her or she.

I'm not sure why, but this just didn't pop out to me.
It had several areas that were sort of...awkward in wording, etc. And for such a short piece, you want to try to limit those spots to a few or none.
This piece has potential to be great, but in my opinion, you didn't quite make it there.
Mark was right: female moose don't have antlers.

I'd add some more description in there somewhere. Like, when the other wolves in the little pack thingy are charging the moose, what is the narrator doing, just staring at them the whole time?
What does it look like watching them?
Does the narrator have ADD or something and other things/wolves movements around him capture his attention?


Sorry, but I wasn't a real fan of this writing.


-GC10

As said above it doesn't pop out. I had to go back a few times to reread what was said because it made no sense at first but I also understand female mosse (how ever you spell it) do not have antlers too. You might want to change it to a guy mosse (again, how ever you spell it). And as gamechanger said add detail. Be more descriptive. Hope I'm any help.

-Amber

but I do know that who ever gets the kill willl get most of the meats, but usually its a free-for -alll(unless the alpha wolf says so)
all in alll wolves are reallly fascinating

Ahh.... No. The alphas will always eat their fill first, unless they have pups to take care of. There is no preferrence given to the one who actually brought down the animal in the first place, since generally they would all be trying equally hard to bring the animal down.

There are numerous grammatical and spelling errors as well, but I think you can sort these out on your own, especially with everyone else's comments.

The one other thing I noticed was that you are constantly referring to the other wolves as "Wolves" I know this is techically correct, but when we see people walking down the street and we know them, we don't say: "Hey, there's a human!" Do we?

Since your story is from the POV of a wolf, try to make it seem like a wolf is talking, not a human.

Hope this helps! I love anything to do with wolves, so if and when you edit this, or if you write anything else to do with wolves, PM me! I'll be happy to come and review it.

I love the idea of telling a story from the wolf point of view, after all I like David Eddings (anyone?). I like the way you start the story,but there are grammar errors, which hopefully are easy to fix.

It seems like forever until they finally reach the moose and (the wolf that was in head of the other) leaps out

I know this thing has already been said but the sentence has to work without the part in () these. It is not even recommended to use them at any situation, when telling a story.

The moose sees them, and readies herself, with her antlers down

You need to describe action to make it more interesting. Change it to lowering her antlers down, rather than having them already down.


Nonetheless a great story, one which I dearly hope will continue