Shallow Muse

Shallow Muse

My muse has left me in the shallow end
with someone I don't want.
We used to explore deep waters,
the unknowns in life,
together, with no fear.
Now, it's as if I have been left
in the kiddie pool,
deemed to young to play our old games.
I wish the sand at the bottom of this pool
would just swallow me and get it over with.

Now, I'm back to my life of tortured loneliness
trying to find another soul
as close to mine
as his was.




I fear this is doomed to be the last poem inspired by an old muse.
~Yoyo

I liked this! I only have a couple of suggestions that I think would improve the flow slightly, but they're really minor points.

yoha_ahoy wrote:Shallow Muse - Love the title.

My muse has left me in the shallow end
with someone I don't want.

I thought you might come back to this other someone. The reference seems to raise a question about the situation that's not relevant to the poem's message, but I assume you've chosen to include it for your own reasons.

Now, it's as if I have been left
in the kiddie pool,
deemed to young to play our old games.
I wish the sand at the bottom of this pool
would just swallow me and get it over with.

I would prefer a word like 'paddling' to 'kiddie', but that's just personal preference. I also think you don't need the last two lines there.

Now, I'm back to my life of tortured loneliness
trying to find another soul
as close to mine
as his was.

If you did take out those two previous two lines, you would also need to take away the 'now' at the beginning of this stanza or the one before 'it's as if I have been left...' in the previous stanza. 'Tortured' comes across as slightly melodramatic, not necessarily in a bad way, but there might be another word that conveys the same and hasn't been used so much.

This poem was poignant - I liked that.

deemed to young to play our old games.

to -> too

I like this poem a lot =] it's simple and honest, sweetly sad. That's really the only correction I could find. Is the italics a part of the poem? Because I like it a lot =] I'm sorry I don't have anything more constructive to say. I just like this! I like the feel of it.

Hi Yoha!

This was a really nice poem, a great title.

deemed too young

My muse has left me in the shallow end
with someone I don't want.

That last bit seems quite awkward, almost breaking the rhythm a bit. This could be better rephrased, but a nice way to start nonetheless.

*

It had a lovely flow to it, you've done a great job, in my opinion. I felt the message was strong in this and a great use of the imagery.

I'm back to my life of tortured loneliness
trying to find another soul

A comma would work well after the 'loneliness' so the entire last stanza (bar the first syllable) isn't one clause.

I have little more to say, for once. Bravo!

I don't do grammar stuff, mostly because I often make mistakes with my own grammar - lol!
Ok, I'll start at the beginning. My first point is that the poem descirbes how the narrator feels due to their muse leaving and although it hints that this muse had outgrown the narrator it doesn't give a reason or even expand on HOW it has left. I think this could be an area for development.
I agree with Sapphire that the reference to a 'someone' seems slightly out of place when no later reference is made to said character. Again, something you could develop especially as you describe the rest of the situation in which the narrator has been left in so well. You get a sense of abandoment and how the muse seems to think that they have outgrown the narrator. However these two lines:

I wish the sand at the bottom of this pool
would just swallow me and get it over with.

seem rough. It melodramatic and doesn't really tell us a lot. I suppose the idea is that the narrator is in despair but I think this idea could be communicated more effectively.
I also think the last lines of the poem are a little rough. Why is the loneliness torturing for this character? Why are they lonely in the first place? What is the gap that this muse has left? What closeness needs filling? An ending that answered one or two of these questions might provide a more effective ending to this poem.
I hope these comments are helpful. Overall I thought the poem did well to convey the feeling of abandoment, it's just a littel rough round the edges.