So Real

Of course, I think every writer has at least one cliche love poem.



My lips part
I start to speak,
and stutter instead.
The words I almost spoke
held just at the end of my tongue;
just out of reach.
In that moment they felt so right
…so real.
I wonder what he would have said,
if I had spoken them in that split second
when my heart commanded that I do.
Would he have felt it too?
Would he have murmured them back,
just as nervous and shaky as I was?
I feel my eyes tear up,
and I whisper to the wind,
the words I should have said to him.
“I love you.”

this is nice. i dont feel much from it though, but i get what you were you trying to say. the whole he loves me,he loves me not topic. nice topic though not very strong. good work.maybe if you reword some your lines you could make it stronger. good work anyway.

wow i really like it
it sounds like it was your first love
it's great in it's unique way.

the words sound like you just had your first boyfriend.
it;s a great poem

Hey thanks for the advice you guys

I liked it! I agree with Samsal, it's not very strong but I enjoyed reading it. The reason I think I like it is because I can relate to it. And that's a great thing. It's not easy writing so that the reader can relate to it in his/her ow way. But you managed to do that, so kudos for that!

This poem is not as strong as it can be because it's not unique. I have to agree with you it's a cliche love poem and your choice of words don't help me experience something 'new'. I feel as if I've already read this poem somewhere. It's not something that will ring in my ears even after I leave the computer.

I hope I was helpful and you understood what I meant.
-Mizz

Hi Scarlett! Welcome to YWS. Love is possibly the most written about topic so I think I agree with you that every poet has written something about it (even if they would never let anyone read it!). However, I kind of agree with the other reviewers when they said it wasn't incredibly strong. I'm not sure if these suggestions will help at all, but here they are:

Scarlett wrote:My lips part.
I start to speak - I'd take out the comma here.
and stutter instead.

I think you could elevate the poem simply by making minor changes. An example from this quotation would be the word 'stutter'. Instead of telling the reader that you stutter, use a ridiculous (no, not really) metaphor about fear or the little monster of insecurity chewing up your words and spitting them out so they are unintelligible. Or something along those lines.

The words I almost spoke
held just at the end of my tongue;
just out of reach.

I would rephrase this slightly:

The words I almost spoke,
held at the end of my tongue,
hover just out of reach.

So your main point is ‘The words I almost spoke hover just out of reach’, with ‘held at the end of my tongue’ as an aside. Maybe that could go between dashes instead. Anyway, then I’d swap the word ‘held’ for something like ‘imprisoned’ or ‘restrained’. In fact, I would probably swap the suggestion of ‘hover’ as well, since it doesn’t quite fit the original idea.

In that moment they felt so right - I think you should find an alternative for ‘right’.
… so real. I liked this better the more I thought about it. The words were almost ‘real’ because she almost said them.
I wonder what he would have said,
if I had spoken them in that split second
when my heart commanded that I do.

I feel like there are a couple too many words in that last section. I think it’s because of ‘that I do’. However, I’ve tried to rephrase it and found no suggestion so feel free to ignore this!

Would he have felt it too?
Would he have murmured them back,
just as nervous and shaky as I was?
I feel my eyes tear up,
and I whisper to the wind,
the words I should have said to him.
“I love you.”

Again, I think this section would convey more emotion if it was shown, rather than told. I also think it would be interesting to perhaps reference ‘those three words’ earlier in the poem and finish with something like:

And the words I should have said to him
drift away, whispers in the wind.

You wouldn’t actually use the words ‘I love you’. But that’s just an idea. I tried to still fit in ‘whisper’ because then it keeps the alliteration. (It’s not exactly the same sound but it still counts, in my opinion.)

These are just some ideas you could think about if you decide to edit this – the poem has plenty of potential.

Good luck!