Top Secret Cobra: Half-human (Extract 2)

Top Secret Cobra: Half-Human -Extract 2-

(Please comment on this-I need to know what people think of it! Thanks)

Cobra was running. His shoes rang on the metal floor as he raced towards freedom. Behind him, pounding footsteps. Keeping pace. Cobra rounded a corner to find a technician coming the other way.
Wasting no time, the assassin shoulder-charged the unfortunate man, who whacked his head on the wall, leaving a bloody stain. Turning another corner, Cobra saw a door about a hundred and thirty feet down the passageway. He raced towards it and threw himself at it eagerly, expecting it to burst open. Instead he hit it with a crash. The assassin staggered back, clutching his shoulder. The metal had dented but it had stood up to his charge. That was unusual. Cobra had always been strong. Stronger than anyone else. In other circumstances, doors had been torn from the wall when he charged them. The assassin had no time to ponder this. The other man had caught up with him. If you could call him a man. Cobra already knew that he was a Sinefesh-one of the race of the first creatures on Earth. Much stronger and faster than humans, they could also breathe fire and fly, due to the massive wings that stayed with them even in human form. The Sinefesh could transform into creatures about three metres tall, with jet-black skin and fires in their eyes. On average they lived for about five hundred years. The vampire race was an offshoot of the Sinefesh-their cousins. Vampires were truly immortal, but they had lost some of their physical power and could only transform into half-bat half-human creatures. They had also become more vulnerable. Any weapon to penetrate their heart would kill them, instead of just silver like with Sinefesh and-though Cobra didn't know about this race-werewolves.
The man standing in front of him had a thin, angular face with dark brown hair. Cobra could just see the flames in his eyes behind the dark glasses.

"Cobra.There you are." purred the Sinefesh which called itself Jonathan Kraw.
"Kraw. Why don't you just do yourself in, you pathetic waste of space? It'd save me the trouble."
"Because I want to do you in first."
"Maybe some other time. But right now I'd rather just chop your head off and stuff it with garlic."
"Go ahead. I'm fine with that-I'll just stick it back on again."
"Bloody reptiles. Always have to make things so bloody complicated." grumbled Cobra.
Kraw sighed. "Well, although I'd like to stay and continue this conversation, time's ticking on and I need to be going. So let's get this over with, eh?"
"Go to hell."
"Funny you should mention hell, Cobra-that's exactly where I'm taking you."

Outside, patrolling the next corridor along, were two guards. One, called Ivar Shelov, was short and fat, with a scar over one eye and an ear missing. The other, Oliver Prescott, Was overly tall and thin, his face twisted into a permanent grimace. Both wore the navy-blue uniform and hat stamped with the word SECURITY. They carried torches, shocksticks and T-25 semi-automatic pistols, which had little force but good accuracy. The guns were loaded with M-4.3 incendiary bullets, which would burst into flame on contact. Some commotion seemed to be going on in the next corridor along. Ivar, upon hearing a raised voice stopped to listen.
"I'm going to KILL you!" bellowed the first.
"Missed. Try harder." The second voice had a note of amusement in it.
There was a sound like an angry man-or bull-charging up the corridor to attack, followed by something like a man landing further down the corridor. But the second voice hadn't come from there. It couldn't get there that fast unless it had been able to leap sixty foot. Ivar frowned in puzzlement. The second man laughed. "Missed again. Last chance."
"Stand still, damn you!" howled the first.
"Aaand...you missed again. Better luck next time. But now...It's my turn."
There was the sound of fist striking flesh, a grunt, then a heavy body flying through the air.
With a crash, a man hit the wall and smashed through it, landing the other side, next to Prescott.
The guards levelled their guns at his head.
"Don't move!" Ivar commanded. Cobra looked up at him.
"Move? I feel like my legs have been broken...all three of them."
The second man-Kraw-stepped through the Cobra-shaped hole in the wall.
"This isn't your fight." he said softly to Oliver and Ivar. "Leave now."
Oliver pointed his gun at Kraw. "Surrender now and you won't be harmed! I arrest you under the code of-"
He never got any further. Kraw seized the end of his gun and bent it easily. Then he reached out and punched Oliver in the throat. His neck broke and his corpse slumped gracelessly to the ground.
Ivar yelled and started shooting at Kraw. The bullets pinged off the Sinefesh's tough, leathery skin.
Kraw blew a gout of flame that engulfed and consumed the hapless guard.
He turned back to Cobra. "Where were we?"
Cobra had a couple of tricks for fighting dirty and he decided to use one. He whacked his heel on the floor hard and a slim knife extended from the shoe. The assassin kicked upwards and the blade drove itself into Kraw's groin. His face went white.
"The one place that that weapon could have caused me any real pain, and you just hit it." he said through clenched teeth.
Then his expression changed to one of anger. He picked Cobra up with one hand and drove him into a wall. Red stars exploded into Cobra's vision. Kraw swung him into a second wall. Both were now cracked. Finally, the Sinefesh threw Cobra the length of the corridor, sending him through one of the doors that the assassin had been unable to break through earlier. Kraw walked up to the mangled, broken body of the once-mighty killer. He smiled and reached down.
"Time..." and his voice held contempt and fury and loathing "...to die."

*moved to Fantasy Fiction*

Sweet story...

Okay, that aside I have to be helpful now.
The first thing is the long block of writing needs to be broken up, I've a suggestion or two, but it's not totally ruining the story or anything.

The assassin staggered back, clutching his shoulder. The metal had dented but it had stood up to his charge. That was unusual. Cobra had always been strong. Stronger than anyone else. In other circumstances, doors had been torn from the wall when he charged them.

---Possible new paragraph---I'm thinking semi-colon, shown in bold, but it works the way it is. The reasoning for the semi-colon, is simply because the two sentences are short, and go together well, but keeping with the pace of the rest of the story, a semi-colon works better than a comma.

The assassin had no time to ponder this. The other man had caught up with him; If you could call him a man. Cobra already knew that he was a Sinefesh-one of the race of the first creatures on Earth.

Cobra was running. His shoes rang on the metal floor as he raced towards freedom. Behind him, pounding footsteps. Keeping pace.

I love it. Great beginning. The way you use periods, instead of commas treads on the edge between choppy, and fast-paced, which, I have to say you've done great with.
Further on...

"Cobra.There you are." purred the Sinefesh which called itself Jonathan Kraw.
"Kraw. Why don't you just do yourself in, you pathetic waste of space? It'd save me the trouble."
"Because I want to do you in first."
"Maybe some other time. But right now I'd rather just chop your head off and stuff it with garlic."
"Go ahead. I'm fine with that-I'll just stick it back on again."
"Bloody reptiles. Always have to make things so bloody complicated." grumbled Cobra.
Kraw sighed. "Well, although I'd like to stay and continue this conversation, time's ticking on and I need to be going. So let's get this over with, eh?"
"Go to hell."
"Funny you should mention hell, Cobra-that's exactly where I'm taking you."

This conversation is good, but it implies the two have met before, which if they have, it's a great motivator to keep reading, in the hopes of finding what happened then. If not though, it simply isn't that realistic. Eeh... I hate to mess with realism.

"I'm going to KILL you!" bellowed the first.
"Missed. Try harder." The second voice had a note of amusement in it.
There was a sound like an angry man-or bull-charging up the corridor to attack, followed by something like a man landing further down the corridor. But the second voice hadn't come from there.
It couldn't get there that fast unless it had been able to leap sixty foot. Ivar frowned in puzzlement. The second man laughed. "Missed again. Last chance."
"Stand still, damn you!" howled the first.
"Aaand...you missed again. Better luck next time. But now...It's my turn."
There was the sound of fist striking flesh, a grunt, then a heavy body flying through the air.
With a crash, a man hit the wall and smashed through it, landing the other side, next to Prescott.
The guards levelled their guns at his head.
"Don't move!" Ivar commanded. Cobra looked up at him.
"Move? I feel like my legs have been broken...all three of them."
The second man-Kraw-stepped through the Cobra-shaped hole in the wall.

A couple of things here...first and second thing in bold, is the dashes, commas are used instead, dashes imply that said item is a sort-of both things, so man-or makes no sense, bull-charging doesn't really either. So please just use commas in both of those bolded areas, for reading comprehension.
A second thing is that leap sixty foot, is actually feet, it has something to do with pretense and after-tense or something. That's just a small thing.

Lastly, the whole idea of Cobra yelling at Kraw that way, as well as attacking, doesn't seem right for his character, as an assassin, his goal is to escape now, and Kraw seems to maybe be a little superior in his race.... I don't know, it just seems that Cobra would try other things than coming at Kraw in a rage, as before and after, he is quipping in a grim way and mainly grumbling. Which I love.
Oh... One last, last thing, Cobra mentions three broken legs. Now, judging by the story so far it seems that he is just making exaggerations to his pain, which is what you are trying to imply...I think. But, because we've had almost no description of Cobra, and he's fighting another creature, (that's really cool) we don't really know that he doesn't have three legs. However, putting in character looks in the first part would probably slow it down, unless it was down very skillfully.

Anyway, last section.

Cobra had a couple of tricks for fighting dirty and he decided to use one. He whacked his heel on the floor hard and a slim knife extended from the shoe. The assassin kicked upwards and the blade drove itself into Kraw's groin. His face went white.
"The one place that that weapon could have caused me any real pain, and you just hit it." he said through clenched teeth.

First bold area is simply that it sounds kinda like Cobra's face went white, because you're talking about Cobra's actions first. The only suggestion I have for this, is to use Sinefesh kinda like this.

The Sinefesh's tough face went white. ----Basically because saying Kraw's name again would halt the smooth flow, since it was said so recently.

At the second bold area, you only need one that, if you read the sentence aloud, a couple times and think about it, I think you'll agree.
My last suggestion is to read the whole story aloud to yourself, I know it sounds a little silly to read aloud, but it's amazing what I find when I read my own crap aloud. I'm not saying your stuff is crap, I love this, I was referring to my own attempts.. uh, That went badly.
Anyway I love everything else about this, write on dude.

RW

I loved this-it was an action-filled, funny and entertaining beginning. When it says: "purred the Sinefesh which called itself Jonathan Kraw", it should be "who called himself Jonathan Kraw"

'The other, Oliver Prescott, Was overly tall and thin' should be 'The other, Oliver Prescott, was overly tall and thin'.

I'm also not completely sure who's the "good guy" and who's the "bad guy". I'm 99% sure that Cobra's the good guy, but to make him believable as a hero, and to get readers really rooting for him, I think he should show some "nice" tendencies at some point during the story. This is just a personal taste issue though. (I'm more likely to root for a "nice" character).

Near the beginning, there's a lot of details about the different races and creatures. I think that bit would be better suited in a prologue, or another scene, not interrupting an action scene.

Overall, this was very impressive and well written. I loved the humour as well.

Hi
I really liked this
It was really interesting and exciting!
The only part i got a bit confused at was the part where

'The assassin kicked upwards and the blade drove itself into Kraw's groin. His face went white'

because it sounded like Cobra's face went white when he stabbed Kraw- not Kraw's face going white when he got stabbed.
That is the only bit I got a little confused over. Well done!

Cobra wrote:Top Secret Cobra: Half-Human -Extract 2-

(Please comment on this-I need to know what people think of it! Thanks)

Cobra was running. His shoes rang on the metal floor as he raced towards freedom. Behind him, pounding footsteps. Keeping pace. Cobra rounded a corner to find a technician coming the other way.
Wasting no time, the assassin shoulder-charged the unfortunate man, who whacked his head on the wall, leaving a bloody stain. A bit of a run-on sentence. This could easily be shortened to, "...shoulder-charged the unfortunate man. He whacked his head on the wall, leaving a bloody stain." Or something like that Turning another corner, Cobra saw a door about a hundred and thirty feet down the passageway. He raced towards it and threw himself at it eagerly, expecting it to burst open. Instead he hit it with a crash. I think he would hit it with a crash whether it burst open or not. Just a small detail, but you might want to rephrase that. The assassin staggered back, clutching his shoulder. The metal had dented but it had stood up to his charge. That was unusual. Cobra had always been strong. Stronger than anyone else. In other circumstances, doors had been torn from the wall when he charged them. The assassin had no time to ponder this;[s]. T[/s]the other man had caught up with him. If you could call him a man. Cobra already knew that he was a Sinefesh-one of the race of the first creatures on Earth. Much stronger and faster than humans.[s], t[/s]They could also breathe fire and fly, due to the massive wings that stayed with them even in human form. This wording makes it sound like their fire breathing is also due to the large wings. You don't have to chnage it of course, but that might be something you'd want to consider. The Sinefesh could transform into creatures about three metres tall, with jet-black skin and fire[s]s[/s] in their eyes. On average they lived for about five hundred years. The vampire race was an offshoot of the Sinefesh-their cousins. Vampires were truly immortal, but they had lost some of their physical power and could only transform into half-bat half-human creatures. They had also become more vulnerable. Any weapon to penetrate their heart would kill them, instead of just silver like with Sinefesh and-though Cobra didn't know about this race-werewolves.
The man standing in front of him had a thin, angular face with dark brown hair. Cobra could just see the flames in his eyes behind the dark glasses. A bit of an info-dump here. It works okay for now, but watch out for them in the future. Readers tend to skim info dumps and thus miss potentially important information.

"Cobra.There you are," purred the Sinefesh which called itself Jonathan Kraw.
"Kraw. Why don't you just do yourself in, you pathetic waste of space? It'd save me the trouble."
"Because I want to do you in first."
"Maybe some other time. But right now I'd rather just chop your head off and stuff it with garlic."
"Go ahead. I'm fine with that-I'll just stick it back on again."
"Bloody reptiles. Always have to make things so bloody complicated," grumbled Cobra.
Kraw sighed. "Well, although I'd like to stay and continue this conversation, time's ticking on and I need to be going. So let's get this over with, eh?"
"Go to hell."
"Funny you should mention hell, Cobra-that's exactly where I'm taking you."

Outside, patrolling the next corridor along, were two guards. One, called Ivar Shelov, was short and fat, with a scar over one eye and an ear missing. The other, Oliver Prescott, [s]W[/s]was overly I think unusually tall would work better here, but that's just a personal preference. tall and thin, his face twisted into a permanent grimace. Both wore the navy-blue uniform and hat stamped with the word SECURITY. They carried torches, shocksticks and T-25 semi-automatic pistols, which had little force but good accuracy. The guns were loaded with M-4.3 incendiary bullets, which would burst into flame on contact. Some commotion seemed to be going on in the next corridor along. Ivar, upon hearing a raised voice stopped to listen.
"I'm going to KILL you!" bellowed the first.
"Missed. Try harder." The second voice had a note of amusement in it.
There was a sound like an angry man-or bull-charging up the corridor to attack, followed by something like a man landing further down the corridor. But the second voice hadn't come from there. It couldn't get there that fast unless it had been able to leap sixty [s]foot[/s]feet. Ivar frowned in puzzlement. The second man laughed. "Missed again. Last chance."
"Stand still, damn you!" howled the first.
"Aaand...you missed again. Better luck next time. But now...It's my turn."
There was the sound of fist striking flesh, a grunt, then a heavy body flying through the air. How can you tell if something is heavy just by the sound of it flying through the air?
With a crash, a man hit the wall and smashed through it, landing the other side, next to Prescott.
The guards levelled their guns at his head.
"Don't move!" Ivar commanded. Cobra looked up at him.
"Move? I feel like my legs have been broken...all three of them."
The second man-Kraw-stepped through the Cobra-shaped hole in the wall.
"This isn't your fight." he said softly to Oliver and Ivar. "Leave now."
Oliver pointed his gun at Kraw. "Surrender now and you won't be harmed! I arrest you under the code of-"
He never got any further. Kraw seized the end of his gun and bent it easily. Then he reached out and punched Oliver in the throat. His neck broke and his corpse slumped gracelessly to the ground. Cool
Ivar yelled and started shooting at Kraw. The bullets pinged off the Sinefesh's tough, leathery skin.
Kraw blew a gout of flame that engulfed and consumed the hapless guard.
He turned back to Cobra. "Where were we?"
Cobra had a couple of tricks for fighting dirty and he decided to use one. He whacked his heel on the floor hard and a slim knife extended from the shoe. The assassin kicked upwards and the blade drove itself into Kraw's groin. His face went white.
"The one place that that weapon could have caused me any real pain, and you just hit it." he said through clenched teeth.
Then his expression changed to one of anger. He picked Cobra up with one hand and drove him into a wall. Red stars exploded in[s]to[/s] Cobra's vision. Kraw swung him into a second wall. Both were now cracked. Finally, the Sinefesh threw Cobra the length of the corridor, sending him through one of the doors that the assassin had been unable to break through earlier. Kraw walked up to the mangled, broken body of the once-mighty killer. He smiled and reached down.
"Time..." and his voice held contempt and fury and loathing "...to die."

Okay, the line by line is out of the way. Now it's time for the actual critique.

I think you have a really good idea going here, and you can definitely write. Especially keep up your dialogue technique.

Now, although it was good, it wasn't perfect. One thing I noticed was that you tend to info-dump, as I pointed out above. That's not necessarily a bad thing (Stephen King does that and he's the best horror writer I know) but it does tend to irritate readers. It wasn't so bad in this piece, but as your writing remember to watch out for that. Maybe try to incorporate details slowly instead of just dumping them on us, and it will make this more enjoyable.

Other than that, I like what you have going, and I look forward to reading more. PM me if you have any questions about the review.

P.S. I have to say I seriously LOLed at the knife coming out of the shoe scene. Keep it up.

I love what you've got so far, it a really good story. Very detailed and it grabs the readers attention. Normally i would give you a paragrapg by paragraph critique but it seems to have been done alreadt. This story had a lot of potential. Please continue with it. PM me when you get it up, and I'll definately read and critique it for you. Your a talented writer, keep up with the good work. Good Luck with your writing.

Hey
this is really good, and i know that its meant to be an action story, but its all flowing a bit too fast because its getting hard to keep up with whos whos and who is doing what, so maybe you could make that a bit more clear
but keep this up becaus its getting interesting now!