Harken!

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Points 890
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Harken! I have a story to tell you
Of a gorgeous maiden who was always true,
Of a beast that spread malice and gore,
Of a pious prince with eyes of blue,
Of a long, fated, frightening war,
And of lives lived happily-ever-after, too.

But, a lie is a sin for all and me, too.
So I confess: I have no such tale for you.
Instead I ask, why does mankind glorify war?
Why revert to fury to reveal the true?
Why darken the sky’s blue?
Why do we embrace gore?

In the beginning of time, unknown was gore.
Peace reigned, and compassion, too.
The ground was fertile, the heavens happy blue.
Adam and Eve paved the future for me and you,
Alas, Adam ate the fruit, failing to remain true
And opened the gate of indulgence, suffering, and war.

Our unruly nature breeds pillage and war.
From Hannibal to Hitler to now, dominant is gore.
Periods of peace exist, that much is true,
But we always revert to violence in the end, too.
Yes, good lives in me, and good lives in you;
But, on occasion we forget above lies a calm blue.

As the sky turns from pitch black to bright blue
The moon and sun, polite neighbors, go not to war.
This tranquil, daily transition is a lesson to me, to you.
That coexistence can happen without conflict and gore.
We may dream alone, but no man is an island, too.
That destroying and killing are the only way is not true.

I had a dream, where everyone was true,
And lived in a world where the sky was vivid blue,
And everyone appreciated the view, too.
Where friendship took precedence to war,
Where most people were not accustomed to gore,
And where “I” was always below “you”.

But this dream, too utopian, can never come true.
You know, nobody ever notices the sky’s lovely blue.
Sadly, war is the cure for this world’s thirst for gore.




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 27
this is a good. piece as far as corrections however, you keep transferring from rhyme to non-rhyme which i am not sure whether or not you did intentionally, but the transition between the rhyme actually ends up taking away from the piece and making concentration on the message itself a bit more difficult. also you keep repeating the word blue. perhaps you could use a different word at times, because it seems as though you are using the word blue for the purpose of rhyme scheme. maybe simply changing the word choice would serve to be a bit more of a help. i did especially like the idea of the piece and how you attempted to cover it and to also include your own voice and your own opinions of war and mankind. good piece overall.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 9
powerofwords2008 wrote:this is a good. piece as far as corrections however, you keep transferring from rhyme to non-rhyme which i am not sure whether or not you did intentionally, but the transition between the rhyme actually ends up taking away from the piece and making concentration on the message itself a bit more difficult. also you keep repeating the word blue. perhaps you could use a different word at times, because it seems as though you are using the word blue for the purpose of rhyme scheme. maybe simply changing the word choice would serve to be a bit more of a help. i did especially like the idea of the piece and how you attempted to cover it and to also include your own voice and your own opinions of war and mankind. good piece overall.


This poem is a sestina (maybe I should have explained). In a sestina, you write six stanza with six lines and then a tercet. You use the same ending words over and over, but you rotate them in a certain way. For example:

123456
615243
364125
532614
451362
246531

In the tercet, you use two of the repeated words in each line, in this order: 6-2 1-4 5-3. These poems don't have to rhyme; I just chose to have rhyming words.

Thanks you for your opinions, though. :)



Forget ragebaiting. What about happybaiting. Purposely mentioning things that my friends like to make them happy and joyous. What about that, huh
— GengarTheGhost