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Flashback to Pain; Chapter 1

Writing for love is a pas · 2008-07-13T20:29:48Z

It's over. It's so over. Your smell of cheap cologne is nauseating. Your once lovable touch makes my skin crawl. I can't believe I had once loved you. You promised that we would be the only forever. You said that we would still be going strong when all of our friends had separated. I used to love you. But now, only your lies spark my interest. "Come on! There's only a half an hour 'till his party Jade!You haven't even come over to get ready yet!" my best friend Ice squealed over the phone. "I don't know why you're making me go to his party, Ice. We just broke up last week. I'd be unwanted." I fired back exasperatedly over the phone, rolling my eyes even though she couldn't see it. I really didn't want to go to Bryce's party. Ice didn't say anything. "Okay. I'm on my way," I said, picking up my keys, "But we're using your stuff, OK?" "Whatever. Hurry over." Ice screamed back. She was excited. Clicking my phone off, I grabbed my outfit- a tight, black spaghetti strap belly shirt and a short, neon green mini skirt- and walked out of my bathroom door and into my room. I was going over to Ice's house to do my hair and make-up. Ice also had the rest of my outfit-my high-heeled black clunky boots and my green and black leggings. Reluctantly hauling my stuff into the hallway, I checked the hallway clock. 4:45 . I still had an hour until the party. Oh well , I thought, no need to speed. "Bye Mom. Bye Dad!" I yelled on my way out of the door. I barely heard their distinct reply over the the slamming of the garage door. I climbed into the car and started the engine. Ice's house was only a 15 minute drive from mine. Soon after getting on her road, I saw her house from my Portia's windshield. I slowed down, then parked in her drive-way. We had a party at Ices' house, remember? It was when her parents were on their second honeymoon. You, me, Ice, and Rodney. It was a blind date for Ice. I'm glad they hit it off. Rodney is still a gentleman from then to this day, but we enjoyed 7, no, more like 20 minutes in heaven. My heaven turned to Hell. I saw Ice waiting for me in curlers on her huge front porch. Her house was three stories. Living room, kitchen, and the dining room were on the first floor. The bedrooms and bathrooms were on the second, while the study was on the topmost level. "Hey, girl!" I yelled from my window. "Come and help me get my stuff." We got my stuff from the car and retreated to Ice's room. When Ice closed the door, she looked at me with all the seriousness I had ever seen from her. "What?" I asked. "Guess who called me and asked if you were coming?" "Who?" "Bryce. He still has feelings for you, Jade!" She said. "He loves you!" "Well, I don't return the favor." Briing. Briing. Ice's private phone went off. "Hello? This is Ice." Her eyes widened with surprise to whoever called her. "Who is it?" I whispered loudly. "Oh yeah, Bryce. She's here. Oh...you want to talk to her? Sure, here she is." Ice handed the phone to me. "Ice! What the hell is wrong with you?" I said, covering up the phone with my hand so Bryce wouldn't hear me. She gave me a look that said sorry and I answered the phone. "Hello?" I asked Bryce. "See you at the party, Jade. You might not ever come back from it though." Then he hung up.

Carlito

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Points 33076

Reviews 1167

Sat Aug 16, 2008 7:15 pm

Carlito says... · Sat Aug 16, 2008 7:15 pm

It's a good start. The only real thing I would say is you need more detail. Sense it's from Jade's perspective you need more of her thoughts in it. What is she thinking at all times.
Definitely continue though it sounds good

Quote

Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud

Flashback to Pain; Chapter 1

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