A quest for the heir of the phoenix ~ chapter three - part a

Hello everyone,

here is the first part of chapter three. The story is beginning to build up momentum so I hope you enjoy. Comments/ reviews are welcomed and appreciated.


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Chapter Three

There was a bolt of lightening just overhead telling all who witnessed its might that the rains were soon be unleashed. The wind pulled at her even though she had reigned in her stallion to a halt and was staring out at the sea of earth and graves before her. Valdez finally caught up to her and reigned in his steed close to her side.

“Are you sure that you want to do this?” He practically had to yell over the wind now as it was whipping by them so quickly, virtually screaming in their ears. The trees around them were snapping back and forth, their leaves ripped from the swaying boughs and swirling chaotically through the air, back and forth as if unsure as to which way to go.

“Yes.” Lylle shouted back and jumped down from Menounos. Reaching into her tunic she pulled out Pixie who had been huddled close to her heart. Cupping her hands to both keep her warm and protect her from the wind, Lylle brought her hands closer to her mouth as she spoke. “Get into the saddle bag.” Pixie looked up at her with her glowing blue eyes and called back to her in a voice that she knew only she could hear, “The rain will come soon, we must hurry.” Nodding in response, Lylle lifted the latch of her leather saddles compartment and with great difficulty Pixie rose into the air and fought her way into the confinement.

“Come on!” Lylle shouted over her shoulder and hurried down to the gates which were locked shut. Stopping before them she pulled out her brown leather glove on her right hand and lifted it up before the lock. She wore a small gold band encrusted with a blood red ruby carved into a Phoenix, the symbol of her father’s Lands in Valedon she now had to shout above the roaring of the wind.

“Lylle of Valedon, Second in Command for the Senate Order. I command you to let us pass.” There was a loud squeak as the gates shuddered open and swiftly both Valdez and Lylle rushed inside. Two small dwarves rushed over towards them, their faces hidden behind dense beards and stared up at them with small beady black eyes. They were so much shorter then Lylle had recalled, reaching no more then three feet in height, bundled up warmly against the late fall winds.

“Show me to the grave of Captain Jezar Steele.” Both dwarves exchanged surprised glances at hearing the name.

“What’s the matter?” Valdez called out trying not to shiver against the cold. “He is buried here is he not?” One of the dwarves stepped forwards, his face mostly hidden by his beard and the thick fur of his hood, his small hands rubbing themselves uncertainly.

“He was.” He called out with a small voice. Both Lylle and Valdez shifted their gaze to one another.

“What do you mean ‘was’.” Once more both dwarves looked at one another and began to whisper to each other in their own language. Because the roaring of the wind was so loud Lylle could only hear parts of their conversation, seeing as she was fluent in the uncommon language, she managed to make sense of the words master, empty, and undead.

“Come with us.” The second one piped up after cutting off his companion’s protests. “We’ll take you to The Watcher.” Both Valdez and Lylle hurried after them as even though they were near to half their size, they moved with surprising speed and agility. They stopped before the door of a small hutch that had smoke billowing out from the chimney. The wooden door was of average size and the iron door handle was left unlocked. The second of the dwarves reached up and opened the door for them and gestured for both Lylle and Valdez to proceed through while the first dwarf scowled heatedly at his partner.

“Go inside.” The second one called out breathlessly. “The Watcher will know what to tell you.”

“Agro’esq’awol.” Lylle said with a curt nod of her head, thanking them in their own language before stepping inside the small enclosure. There, a small man was huddled before the hearth, his eyes glued to the flames and the small pot that was bubbling away furiously.

“I am Lylle and this is Valdez.” Lylle spoke up firmly as the door was closed behind them by the once more bickering dwarves. “We are the Second in Command for the Senate Order. We wish to be shown to the grave of the Tri-blood mercenary Captain Jezar Steele at once.” The old man shuddered at hearing the name and very slowly turned to look up at them.

“I most humbly apologize but I am afraid that I cannot do that.” The man whispered softly and then pulled his coarse wool robes tighter around him as if he suddenly just felt a chill.

“There is a grave, but there is no corpse to show.” The man finally managed to say. “The body—rose from the earth.” Shuddering once more violently the man buried his face in his hands and whimpered, rocking back and forth in his chair.

“What happened?” Lylle snapped, getting a little bit more then frustrated at having to deal with weak, snivelling cowards. Moving with speed she dropped before him and braced his shoulders in her hands, holding him with a firm grip. The old man’s eyes locked on hers, their green color illuminated by the fire and his mouth fell open in wonder.

“Tell me!” Lylle snapped again, this time giving him a hard shake.

“He—he—rose…from the ground.” The man whispered once more, the tips of his fingers trembling. “They came for him…and he rose from the earth….not too long ago, they ventured to where he had been laid to rest—three women came from the mist and wind…” The old man’s eyes glazed over as if he had disappeared behind some veil of dreams, his body still and barely breathing. Snorting below her breath she moved from him and bounded for the door, bursting outside she moved over towards the wall of the hutch and stopped before the iron panel bolted to the wall. Lifting her ring before it she called out loudly above the boiling storm which was about to burst.

“Show me the grave of Captain Jezar Steele.” She commanded; her tone filled with annoyance. The iron slowly melted away and an image filled its borders of an empty pit in the cold earth. Lylle released a heavy sigh and gripped her mass of golden hair in her hands before turning to face her handsome older brother whose eyes were still locked on the image of the empty grave.

“We must leave at once and tell the others….we have a serious problem.”



thanks for reading! part b for chapter three to be posted soon.

The rest of Chapter three


It amazed Sorsha to see just how quickly the weather changed in nearly a blink of an eye. The sun had long since disappeared behind a curtain of misty grey clouds and the promise of rain hung in the now chilly air. All the high council elders were assembled in the Great Hall which was nothing but a vast circular chamber that allowed comfortable seating for its one hundred and fifty members who as usual during such important meetings were not present. The walls were high and the windows spanned from floor to arched ceiling, filling the room with the dreary grey light of the fall season.

The high council elders were seated in the center of the room, as was their designated location. And surrounding them were rows of marble benches that spanned the length of the room and slowly ascended as to allow those who were seated in them an unobstructed view. Sorsha stood before the curved marble length of seating, facing the twelve elders, three of each who represented the four regions. Lord Graimer rose first when he saw both her and Raine enter the Great Hall and smiled down at them with familiar eyes. Sorsha recalled the day she had first met Lord Graimer, in Lord Caziah’s castle in Mar’kaoton where the long time friend of Raine had been frantically trying to convince the twelve Lords of the Western regions to join in the resistance against the Queen of Dragons. Lord Graimer, of all the Lords present, had chosen to believe in Sorsha and was the first to put his faith in her and volunteer the armies of not only his lands but of his sceptical younger brother Lord Gangess as well.

“Thank you for coming so swiftly and on such short notice.” Both Sorsha and Raine nodded their heads respectfully.

“I imagine that you are aware of the situation that has befallen Aquila?” Graimer asked although already knowing the answer.

“Yes sire.” Sorsha replied. “In fact we’ve already sent Lylle and Valdez to the city of Baymir to question one of our informants who’s sure to have more knowledge in this matter. They should return very shortly with important news I am sure.” Graimer’s smile broadened at hearing Lylle’s name mentioned.

“Ah yes.” He sighed wistfully. “If there is anyone as capable as both yourself and Raine, it is fair Lylle.” Out of the corner of Sorsha’s eye she could see the faint shadow of a smile touch Raine’s lips in fatherly pride. Both Sorsha and Raine loved all their children equally and without question as each one possessing a unique skill that made them all special in their own way.

“Needless to say,” Armas jumped in, rising to his feet. Sorsha’s eyes were drawn to a younger man; in fact he was the youngest elder of the twelve, only eighty three years of age, his features still proud and etched with strength of character. His hair was a sinful gold and his eyes as black as the night sky. The Lord of Milaz and commonly referred to as the Golden Prince. He had once been a great noble man but then decided to turn in his sword and take the robes of a senate elder. “We as a council feel that this threat is one that cannot be ignored or taken lightly. We have therefore decided to entrust both yourself and Raine with the responsibility of travelling to Stone Guard prison and retrieving one of the prisoners by the name of D’aurzio Rayze. He was a valiant warrior, forced into Cerlyn’s army during her earlier years of succession and then later imprisoned by her for reasons unknown. However it is rumoured that he learned a valuable secret, something that perhaps may be of use to us in defeating this strange and powerful being.”

“You know something that we do not.” Raine spoke up quickly silencing those who had been murmuring in agreement with Armas’s words. There was silence followed by the uncomfortable shifting of eyes which spoke louder then any words ever could have.

“We suspect.” Armas corrected firmly, his tone final and leaving no room for question. “But are not certain. It is better that we do not say much more then that until we know the facts in more detail.” Raine gritted his teeth tightly and withheld himself from arguing the circumstances further. There were times, like now in this moment, where he found that following the rules of a council to be unbelievably frustrating. But then he supposed that it was better then living under the rule of a tyrant. A quiet tap at the door broke the uncomfortable silence, followed by the creaking of aged wood and in poked the head of the Hall attendant, his head of wispy white hair shifting from the movement.

“My Lords, Council Order’s second in command Lylle and Valdez ask to be seen before the elders.”

“Show them in.” Graimer called out regally and within seconds both Lylle and Valdez strode into the chamber and stopped at their parents’ sides.

“You come to us with vital information?” Armas asked although all present knew that Lylle was not known for failure.

“We have. In fact I am more then certain that we have successfully identified our mysterious villain.” Once more the uncomfortable silence stretched throughout the room, and if it were possible, it seemed that the room grew darker as well. The curtain of grey clouds turned almost black and the rumbling of thunder could be heard off in the distance.

“Well?” Lord Gangess snapped quickly, his jowls trembling from the effort, “Speak up then.” The muscles in Lylle’s jaw flexed impatiently as it pulsed in Raine’s.

“Lord Balkin.” Valdez spoke up curtly, his hand resting on his blade’s hilt and his odd colored eyes staring pointedly at Lord Gangess as if challenging him to use the same authoritative tone once more. However the strange look that overcame the men seated before them told Valdez in no uncertain terms that their worst fears had just been confirmed.

“Balkin.” Raine said under his breath. “I’ve heard of the name…” His words trailed off as he searched his memory and then slowly recalled Axyra’s words.

“Cerlyn’s adopted father.” Graimer spoke up quickly; running a withered hand through is dense grey hair. “Dead for nearly five centuries now.”

“Dead?” Sorsha spoke up confused. “If he’s dead—.”

“He resurrected himself somehow.” Lylle cut in, her eyes locking on her mother’s confused features. “Somehow he managed it without Cerlyn’s assistance, laying claim to a slain body and repossessing it with his soul.” Lylle moved to address the council and as quickly and as best as she could she went on to fill in everything that Gilch had told both her and Valdez in regards to both Balkin and Cerlyn. As she spoke the sky seemed to grow dark, the thunder louder and the faces of the men seated before her grimmer.

“Jezar.” The name hissed past Sorsha’s lips like a curse. “I should have known Cerlyn was keeping him around for a more useful purpose. She was known for her strong hatred for those of mixed blood and Captain Jezar Steele was far from pure.”

“Are you certain of this?” Graimer’s voice quavered. “Are you certain that the soul of Lord Balkin has indeed lain claim to what was once Jezar?” Valdez nodded his head of almost ebony colored hair in response.

“Yes my Lord. Both Lylle and I stopped off at the burial grounds near the palace. We saw the grave for ourselves and spoke with the keepers and the watcher who says that three women appeared from the mist the night his body was laid to rest. He also said that he saw the body of Jezar rise from the ground. I can only assume that terror over what he had witnessed prevented him from coming forth with this news.”

“We always feared, since the creation of the council, that there would be other’s who would try to rise and finish what Cerlyn had started.” Graimer said sadly, his hands rubbing his thighs in slow rhythmic circles as if unable to sit still. “Cerlyn’s death had left us weak and vulnerable for another uprising—for someone of power to try and shatter our fragile thread of independence as a free nation, governed under one council.”

“Weak?” Valdez scoffed, his tone fringed with frustration. “How are we a weak nation? For fifty years my parents have worked hard to maintain order within the four regions! Those who have risen to defy the council have been brought to justice before and we shall do so again!”

“Your youthful arrogance blinds your judgement!” Lord Gangess snapped loudly, his face turning red from the force of his words, earning him a seething look from Valdez who was not known to suffer the tempers of others with ease. “Anyone with common sense knows that since the time of the Great War between both man and Elves, the alliance between the Four regions and the Far regions was shattered from greed and lust for power. Our borders have remained locked to one another for nigh on a thousand years. Until the people are united as a whole, Surak will never be truly strong enough to stand on its own and we will never be able to defend ourselves against those of power—against those like Lord Balkin.”

For a moment his words reverberated loudly in the chamber, the damp chill seeming to creep through the dense stone walls from the storm now raging outside seemed to cut through each of them.

“Your parents,” Ganges hissed. “Didn’t save Surak when they killed the Queen…they’ve gone and handed it to him on silver platter!”

The end of his words were punctuated by his hand slamming down hard on the marble ledge before him, his eyes wide with rage. Sorsha could feel the tempers of not only Raine and Valdez rise but Lylle’s as well and the look in her daughter's eyes was nothing short of mutinous.

I'll start by saying I liked this. But now I'll dive right in

There was a bolt of lightening just overhead telling all who witnessed its might that the rains were soon be unleashed

Odd wording -- change it to something like “Lightning flashed overhead, telling all who witnessed its might that the rains were coming.”

to yell over the wind now as it was whipping by them so quickly,

Again, word order. Try “to yell over the wind as it whipped quickly by them,".

their leaves ripped from the swaying

With the wind being so fierce, “swaying” doesn’t seem to fit the context. Replace with something like “snarled”, maybe?

Reaching into her tunic she pulled

Add a comma between “tunic” and “she”.

out Pixie who had

Add another comma between “Pixie” and “who”.

“Come on!” Lylle shouted over her shoulder and hurried down to the gates which were locked shut.

This sentence is hurried and disjointed, so to fix it…add a period here, to end the sentence after “shoulder”. Then, change this next part to “She hurried down to the gates, only to find them locked and tightly shut.

Stopping before them she pulled out her brown leather glove on her right hand and lifted it up before the lock.

Add a comma after “them” and before “she”. Change the “out her” to “off the”.

Lands in Valedon she now had to shout

Add a period after "Valedon" and capitalize “she”.

shuddered open and swiftly both

Insert a comma between “open” and “and”.

Two small dwarves rushed

You just used the word rushed a sentence before, so you should change this one to avoid too much repetition. “Hurried” would work nicely.

towards

Get rid of the “towards” altogether.

them, their faces hidden behind dense beards and stared up at them with small beady black eyes.

First, eliminate the “them,”. Also, delete some adjectives when describing their eyes. Leave one, maybe two. Next, switch up the order, so it reads “Two small dwarves hurried over, staring up at them with beady eyes, their faces hidden behind dense beards.”

They were so much shorter

Goodbye, “so”.

“What’s the matter?” Valdez called out

Insert a comma after "out".

“He is buried here

Comma after "here", please.

One of the dwarves stepped forwards,

Take off the “s”.

loud Lylle could only hear parts of their conversation, seeing

Add a “but” before “seeing”.

Both Valdez and Lylle hurried after them as even though they were near to half their size, they moved with surprising speed and agility.

Bad word order, maybe change to something along the lines of “Both Valdez and Lylle hurried after them, for despite their small size, the dwarves moved with surprising speed and agility.”

for them and gestured

Add a comma after “them”, get rid of the “and”, then change “gestured” to “gesturing”.

“I most humbly apologize

Add a comma here, after “apologize”. Or an ellipses, if that suits you better.

if he suddenly just

You don’t need both these words here; they both mean the same thing. I suggest getting rid of “just”.

The man finally

Finally? I didn’t realize there was a wait. Make this clearer.

Shuddering once more violently

Change the word order to “Shuddering violently once more”, maybe.

“What happened?” Lylle snapped, getting a little bit more then

*than.

Moving with speed

Awkward wording, change it up.

The old man’s eyes locked on hers, their green color illuminated by the fire

Comma after “fire”.

Snorting below her breath she moved from him and bounded for the door, bursting outside she moved over towards the wall of the hutch and stopped before the iron panel bolted to the wall.

Very rushed. This would sound better “Snorting below her breath, she moved from him and bounded for the door. Bursting outside, she made her way toward the wall of the hutch and stopped before the iron panel that was bolted to the wall.”

which was about to burst.

This isn’t necessary, get rid of it altogether.

Lylle released a heavy sigh and gripped her mass of golden hair in her hands before turning to face her handsome older brother whose eyes were still locked on the image of the empty grave.

Hmm. This is a bit long, but it’s manageable. However, you choose now to spring us with three descriptions: her hair color, her handsome brother, and the fact that he’s her brother. Too much, too late. Mention that they’re siblings earlier, then revise this sentence accordingly.

council elders were assembled in the Great Hall

Comma here, after “Great Hall”.

who as usual during such important meetings were not present.

This information isn’t really needed, and it just bogs down the sentence. If it's vital, find another way to tack it on, please.

And surrounding them were rows

Remove this, capitalize “surrounding”.

the length of the room and slowly ascended

Comma here, after "ascended".

as

Delete it.

had chosen to believe in Sorsha

Comma comes next...

his lands but of his sceptical

*skeptical.

“I imagine that you are aware of the situation that has befallen Aquila?” Graimer asked

Comma here, after “asked”.

although

This can be simply “though”, to eliminate too many “ah” sounds.

“Yes sire.”

Comma between “Yes” and “sire”.

“In fact we’ve already

Comma between “fact” and “we’ve”.

They should return very shortly with important news I am sure.

“I am sure” is unneeded, just delete it completely.

Out of the corner of Sorsha’s eye she could see the faint shadow of a smile touch Raine’s lips in fatherly pride.

Until it was made clear otherwise, I thought Sorsha was male and Raine was female. Since it’s the opposite, make this clearer on both counts earlier, please.

and without question as each one possessing

Change this to “possessed” to better the flow.

Raine spoke up quickly

Add a comma.

There was silence

Another comma.

the uncomfortable shifting of eyes which

Change this word to “that”.

“We suspect.”

Punctuation rules, this period should be a comma.

It is better that we do not say much more then

*than.

“You come to us with vital information?” Armas asked

Comma next!

However the strange

Comma after "However".

“Cerlyn’s adopted father.” Graimer spoke up quickly; running a withered hand through is

*his.

she went on to fill in everything that Gilch

Who's Gilch?

As she spoke the sky seemed to grow dark

*darker.

“Yes my Lord.

Comma after “Yes”.

We always feared, since the creation of the council, that there would be other’s

This isn’t possessive, ditch the apostrophe.

seething look from Valdez who

Comma in-between these words, please.

For a moment his words reverberated loudly in the chamber, the

Insert an “and” after the comma.

seeming to creep

Make this phrase a simple “creeping”.

they’ve gone and handed it to him

To who?

The end of his words were

*was.

but Lylle’s as well

Comma here. After "well".


This was thoroughly enjoyable! The story line is interesting, the characters are good and beginning to develop, and you have some perfect problems here. I look forward to reading more of this story! Just be sure not to overload the reader with too much background information, like all the different regions and their history. Other than that, good work and I’ll be looking for the next bit!

Hey Sorsha!
Your post looked lonley, so I decided to crit it! I apologize, since I haven't read the previous chapters, but I'll do my best to review this.
My review key is:
Red = comments
Bold = words/letters/phrases I've inserted that I think work better
Let's do this thing!

Sorsha2 wrote:Hello everyone,

here is the first part of chapter three. The story is beginning to build up momentum so I hope you enjoy. Comments/ reviews are welcomed and appreciated.


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Chapter Three

There was a bolt of lightening just overhead telling all who witnessed its might that the rains were soon be unleashed. The wind pulled at her even though she had reigned in her stallion to a halt. She [s]and was[/s] stared[s]ing[/s] out at the sea of earth and graves before her. Valdez finally caught up to her and reigned in his steed close to her side.

“Are you sure that you want to do this?” He [s]practically had to yell [/s]yelled over the wind [s]now as it was whipping by them so quickly[/s] that [s]virtually[/s] screamed[s]ing[/s] in their ears. The trees around them were snapping back and forth, their leaves ripped from the swaying boughs and swirling [s]chaotically[/s] through the air, [s]back and forth as if unsure as to which way to go[/s]. Okay, your writing is beautiful, I love the language you employ. However, your sentences are a bit too long at times. Try to shorten some of them because too many ideas in one sentence can get confusing

“Yes.” Lylle shouted back and jumped down from Menounos. Reaching into her tunic Insert comma she pulled out Pixie who had been huddled close to her heart. Cupping her hands to both keep her Who? Pixie or Lylle? Because at first I thought that you were cupping her hands to keep Lylle warm, not pixie warm and protect her from the wind, Lylle brought her hands closer to her mouth as she spoke. “Get into the saddle bag.” New Paragraph Pixie looked up at her with her glowing blue eyes and called back to her in a voice that she knew only she Wow, pronoun use...who could hear her? Lylle can't hear her? I'm very confused. Specify who you are talking about could hear, “The rain will come soon, we must hurry.” Nodding in response, Lylle lifted the latch of her leather saddles compartment and with great difficulty Pixie rose into the air and fought her way into the bags [s]confinement[/s].

“Come on!” Lylle shouted over her shoulder and hurried down to the gates which were locked shut. Stopping before them she pulled [s]out[/s] her brown leather glove onto her right hand and lifted it up before the lock. [s]She wore [/s]A small gold band encrusted with a blood red ruby carved into a Phoenix sat on her finger, [s]the symbol of her father’s Lands in Valedon she now had to shout above the roaring of the wind. [/s]
“Lylle of Valedon, Second in Command for the Senate Order. I command you to let us pass.” There was a loud squeak as the gates shuddered open and [s]swiftly[/s] both Valdez and Lylle rushed inside. Two small dwarves rushed over towards them, their faces hidden behind dense beards and stared up at them with small beady black eyes. They were so much shorter then Lylle had recalled, reaching no more then three feet in height, bundled up [s]warmly[/s] against the late fall winds.

“Show me to the grave of Captain Jezar Steele.” Both dwarves exchanged surprised glances at hearing the name.

“What’s the matter?” Valdez called out trying not to shiver against the cold. “He is buried here is he not?” One of the dwarves stepped forwards, his face mostly hidden by his beard and the thick fur of his hood, his small hands rubbing themselves uncertainly.

“He was.” He called out with a small voice. Both Lylle and Valdez shifted their gaze to one another.

“What do you mean ‘was’.” Once more both dwarves looked at one another and began to whisper to each other in their own language. Because the roaring of the wind was so loud Lylle could only hear parts of their conversation, seeing as she was fluent in the uncommon language, she managed to make sense of the words master, empty, and undead. Okay, if she knows the words, you should tell us what she is hearing. If you don't want to tell us, just scratch the whole fluent part. It doesn't add anything to the piece.

“Come with us.” The second one piped up after cutting off his companion’s protests. “We’ll take you to The Watcher.” That's really funny, I wrote a novel (still editing it) called the Watcher Both Valdez and Lylle hurried after them [s]as even though they were near to half their size, they moved[/s] moving with surprising speed and agility. They stopped before the door of a small hutch that had smoke billowing out from the chimney. The wooden door was of average size and the iron door handle was left unlocked. The second of the dwarves reached up and opened the door for them and gestured for both Lylle and Valdez to proceed. [s]through while[/s] The first dwarf scowled heatedly at his partner.

“Go inside.” The second one called out [s]breathlessly[/s]. “The Watcher will know what to tell you.”

“Agro’esq’awol.” Lylle said with a curt nod of her head, thanking them in their own language before stepping inside the small enclosure. There, a small man was huddled before the hearth, his eyes glued to the flames and the small pot that was bubbling away furiously.

“I am Lylle and this is Valdez.” Lylle spoke up [s]firmly[/s] as the door was closed behind them by the [s]once more [/s]bickering dwarves. “We are the Second in Command for the Senate Order. We wish to be shown to the grave of the Tri-blood mercenary Captain Jezar Steele at once.” The old man shuddered at [s]hearing[/s] the name and [s]very slowly [/s]turned to look up at them.

“I most humbly apologize but I am afraid that I cannot do that.” The man whispered [s]softly[/s] and then pulled his coarse wool robes tighter around him as if he [s]suddenly just [/s]felt a chill.

“There is a grave, but there is no corpse to show.” The man [s]finally managed to say[/s] said. “The body—rose from the earth.” Shuddering once more violently Insert Comma the man buried his face in his hands and whimpered, rocking back and forth in his chair. This felt a bit out of the blue. He didn't seem upset to this extent in the first place. He seemed afraid but not crying

“What happened?” Lylle snapped, getting a little bit more then frustrated at having to deal with weak, snivelling cowards. Moving with speed Insert comma she dropped before him and braced his shoulders in her hands, holding him with a firm grip. The old man’s eyes locked on hers, their green color illuminated by the fire and his mouth fell open in wonder.

“Tell me!” Lylle snapped again, this time giving him a hard shake.

“He—he—rose…from the ground.” The man whispered once more, the tips of his fingers trembling. “They came for him…and he rose from the earth….not too long ago, they ventured to where he had been laid to rest—three women came from the mist and wind…” The old man’s eyes glazed over as if he had disappeared behind some veil of dreams, [s]his body still and barely breathing[/s]. Snorting below her breath Wait...what? I don't really understand the snorting part she moved from him and bounded for the door, bursting outside she moved over towards the wall of the hutch and stopped before the iron panel bolted to the wall this was too long of a sentence . Lifting her ring before it Insert comma she called out loudly above the boiling storm [s]which was about to burst[/s].

“Show me the grave of Captain Jezar Steele.” She commanded; [s]her tone filled with annoyance[/s] Annoyance just doesn't seem like the right emotion now . The iron [s]slowly[/s] melted away and an image filled its borders of an empty pit in the cold earth. Lylle released a heavy sigh and gripped her mass of golden hair in her hands before turning to face her handsome older brother whose eyes were still locked on the image of the empty grave.

“We must leave at once and tell the others….we have a serious problem.”



thanks for reading! part b for chapter three to be posted soon.

Good job! The plot is very captivating! I can't wait to read more. Here's some additional hints.

Overall:

-ly is My Enemy: Adverbs! Way to many! You need to cut out some of them because there is an overload o f them throughout the chapter.

And it goes on and on: Runon sentences. Your sentences are too long. Although there is nothing wrong with long sentences, there are too many ideas in one sentence which can confuse the readers. Split up the phrases so you don't confuse too many people.

Extra, Extra: Watch out for any extra details that really aren't important to the plot. I tried to cut out as much as I could, but I probably missed some stuff. It just can get a little overburdensome.

How do I feel: Be careful with your MC's emotions. I was very surprised that she was annoyed in the end. You might want to hint to that more in the beginning.

anyway, I hope that helped. Overall, well done! Very interesting! Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Faithe, Scasha - so sorry it took me so long to get back to you both. Thanks so much for your indepth reviews!!!!

I will be sure to make any corrections shortly.