The Rose

The Rose

She plucked a flower
from the ground.

A red rose.

She gave it to her love,
a mockery of tradition.

He held it gently,
until she left him.

His hands clenched
into a fist.

Anger, betrayal;
his world bleeds red.

He hardens the pain.
Until all that’s left

is the rose, strangled
and left behind.

This was good but it needs some help. You start off with a girl who picks a rose but then you go on to a guy revealing his feelings and emotions-there isn't any transitions. Don't get me wrong, this was a great idea but you need to do some serious mapping. Tell us more about these two people, make us want to believe the guy's anger. Maybe instead starting with she and transitioning to he you could start off telling about a girl who got a rose from a guy but then he left her and then she destroyed the rose. I believe that this would make more sense and it'll read better. All in all the emotions and the idea was good.
Keep writing,
Angel

Hey! This reminded me of Phantom of the Opera. (That's good!)

I like it more the more I read it. When a poem is so short and simple, each word needs to say exactly what you mean, and I think you achieved that, for the most part. I'm going to be extra picky, since I think that's what you'll be looking for.

Tatra wrote:The Rose - The title fits the poem's simplicity and subject well.

She plucked a flower
from the ground.

I like the simplicity. But I do wonder if the flower is lying on the ground, or if she picks it out of the ground. (Actually roses don't generally just grow randomly out of the ground, do they?) See, I told you I was going to be picky! So this made me wonder if he'd possibly given it to her, then she refused it. Anyway, moving on.

A red rose. - This works because of the next two lines - you were aiming for the stereotypical symbol.

She gave it to her love,
a mockery of tradition. - Like this.

He held it gently,
until she left him.

His hands clenched
into a fist. - Good, because in so few lines, you show us something about his character - the different sides of him when he's with her, then when he's alone.

Anger, betrayal;
his world bleeds red. - Like this line.

I had originally wanted to know more, wanted to know what the betrayal was. But on second thoughts, I realised this poem is simply a snapshot, and you don't really need to go into the 'why's of the situation.

He hardens the pain.

This is the line I think you could change. Again, after reading the poem more, I saw that this line has more weight than I originally thought, but initially the word 'pain' just didn't affect me. It has almost lost its meaning. I think an alternative would allow this line to convey its meaning more clearly.

Until all that’s left

is the rose, strangled - Good word choice in 'strangled'.
and left behind.

Love the ending!

I was going to say something about looking at each set of two lines and maybe going for a more equal amount of syllables, but the poem works as it is, in my opinion. As with each point I thought of, when I read through the poem again, I saw there could be a reason for each decision made.

Well done with this!

i liked this poem but it was really all too sudden i think to make it better you should add a little more to it. i have a question
why would she give him a rose and then leave him??
that usually is a symbol of a good relationship not going seperate ways

but on a lighter note i did like this piece and it had really good imagery in it

i hoped i helped


---Jon---

the imagery in this poem was great, however, i wasn't sure what exactly was going on when the guy got mad...

did she dump him?
is he just a freakishly angry person?
is he feeling guilty about something?
are these questions supposed to remain unanswered so that the poem has one of those open endings, where the reader is left to interpret it however they want?

anyway, despite those ramblings, this was a very good poem.


nice work.


-GC10