Hit and Run

Hmm. I can understand why you like those two lines at the end of S3. If you want to keep them, I would at least advise replacing the word 'gushes' with something else...it just makes me think of haunted houses where you stick your hand in a box and it's spaghetti or something. Or a water slide. Or barf. But not life coming out of a skull.

I would actually take out the 'all' before 'life' in that line, too. The phrase 'all life gushes' sounds off to me, and I'd really prefer 'while life __verb of choice__'

Some possible options for the verb of choice:
spills
trickles
streams
floods
roars
splatters
spouts
surges

Good luck should you choose to enter it in a contest!

HMMMM suzie..... now i would think this wouljd be just a litle.. oh risque for the thirteen yoruslds right? i dont know if they should be hearing about gushing virginity and exposed,not to mention rubbing, navals... do you.. and leaving girls on the road from being raped! tsk tsk...lol jk. we joke we joke

uhh question--- isn't what your describing supposed to be an enjoyable experience? ou make it sound like it was torture. maybe it was.

I hate this piece as much as it is well written. It's written too well, and it's violent.

The two contrasting images,both a picture of two bodies set to intercourse.
And the sharp edges, the lines that tremble with the touch of pain: "I balance on the curb"
or "into the silk sheets - of concrete and rubber."

The whole piece makes me feel sick and vulnerable.
Brilliant, burning contrasts - not to mention they're alliteration.
potholes and pinpricks
careening, caressing

I think the imagery looses at the end. I don't think it's as good, (aka TERRIBLE!!! WHY DO YOU WRITE SO GOOD! You made me feel terrible.)

This line:
"while all life gushes

from my shattered skull."

Is the only part that needs work. I think it needs to be less squash and more...loss.

Such as:

while all life drains

from my shattered expectation,
like randomwordof choice down the shower drain
bladeyblah

Just a bit of a more velvet edge, you know?

Yours.
-M.