Invisible Man, Prologue

I just want to let everyone know that I have NEVER done anything like this before. This is totally new to me. So I know it is really rough so I need everyone's honest opinions. Also, I love CSI and murder mystery novels and I have always wanted to do one.

And, I have never really written in third person before. It is always first, so if you catch me out of tense, let me know!

Well, I hope you all enjoy this!

Happy Reading!

______________________________

PROLOGUE

Wednesday, December 23, 2008

Time was of the essence. Every second that ticked by was another second lost. Her team was working around the clock, surveillance cameras crowding the small, cramped space of the conference room. Monitors showed different angles of a very modern-looking home, with blue shutters and white trim. But to Billie Owens, it sent shivers down her spine. That was a home of a very psychotic man, a murder. She kept going over and over in her mind the phone call that had happened only moments before. The man that lived in that house had called her. His voice had an eerie sense of security to it, a calming effect that chilled her to the bone. He was suave, and she guessed that was how he got his victims. They came willingly; he never did any dirty work. At the end of the phone call, she knew in her heart the horrible truth: David Shuman was going to kill his victim.
Kill her!
And it would be her fault if she didn’t save this girl on time. Billie was chewing her nails down to the cuticle, her eyes flickering from one monitor to the other, never staying still for longer than a few seconds. Workers ran around her, frantically trying to save this girl that they all knew David was holding hostage in his house. In one monitor, she could see the hood of a Police Cruiser and a group of men with guns raised, pointed towards the home. All the shudders were pulled, all the lights out. No activity or movement was recorded.
All was taken in silence.
“Will get this guy, Billie. Don’t you worry,” her partner, Charlie Wayne, whispered harshly beside her, his voice thick with disgust.
“I hope you’re right,” Billie managed to choke out, still observing the monitors over her team’s heads. Charlie handed her a hot coffee, but she refused. She couldn’t imagine drinking that while David’s victim suffered inside his home, screaming for help. Why didn’t her men charge the home? Do something! she wondered in frustration, ripping part of her pinkie nail in half. She sucked in her breath sharply at the pain and quickly dropped her hand, clasping both behind her back; she took to tapping her foot instead.
“Any news?” her lieutenant asked from the doorway, partly crossing the threshold. Billie just shook her head, not bothering to turn around. Charlie shrugged apologetically at the lieutenant before turning back to the action unfolding before them. Men scrambled as a voice radioed in that movement was spotted along the top story of the home. Billie leaned unintentionally forward, her adrenaline rising with each syllable uttered from the man radioing in.
But it turned out to be a false alarm. A cat leaped from a partially opened window of the second story and landed agilely into a tree. Billie heard the whole team sigh audibly at the bad break. “Don’t worry guys, we’ll get him,” Billie reassured her team, but as she glanced at the clock, she knew they were running out of time.
Billie almost jumped out of her skin when she heard the phone ring. With apprehension, she answered. “Billie Owens.”
“You are one tough cookie, I will give you that.” His voice froze her in her place. “Surrounding my house with Police cars and men with guns. Billie, Billie, Billie.” She could just imagine him shaking his head at her. “Do you really think you are going to save her? Did you really think you had a chance against me?” She didn’t know what to think. His laughter was throaty, filled with some unknown happiness. “Didn’t think so,” And with that, the line went dead.
A few seconds later, she heard officers radioing in that shots were fired inside the home.

Hey Ash.

I only have a tiny bit of time, and was only able to scan this, but what I saw I liked. Print this out for me so I can read it on Friday

Keep writing. Can't wait to see what you're doing with your ideas.

KJ:

All right!

I'll do that! Hopefully you like it!

Hey there!

I edited the line break in your story because it was too long and it was stretching out the front page. That's all!

Suzanne

Thanks...I was trying to figure that out...I just couldn't understand why it was doing that!

But thanks again!

“Will get this guy, Billie. Don’t you worry,”

Change the bold word to We'll.


Nice story. It sounds creepy. I will read your others and give you a review. Keep writing.

Boon the Werewolf

Boon:

Thanks! I will change the suggested above

Yeah, my story is kind of creepy, but that's because it's a crime/police/murder piece...I guess those are creepy.

But somehow, I can still be obsessed with CSI.

Anyway, thanks again!

Comments in red.

Wednesday, December 23, 2008

Time was of the essence. Every second that ticked by was another second lost. I think I would change the second line. The first is good and sort of flows into it, but it just seems too obvious. Try coming up with a different way to describe lost time--try to punch up the excitement. Her team was working around the clock, surveillance cameras crowding the small, cramped space of the conference room. Monitors showed different angles of a very modern-looking home, with blue shutters and white trim. But to Billie Owens, it sent shivers down her spine. You need a better lead-in. Say something about how anyone else would have loved the house, or how it looked like your great aunt might live there. Then slam into how creepy it is to Owens. That was a home of a very psychotic man, a murder. She kept going over and over in her mind the phone call that had happened only moments before. The man that lived in that house had called her. His voice had an eerie sense of security to it, a calming effect that chilled her to the bone. He was suave, and she guessed that was how he got his victims. They came willingly; he never did any dirty work. At the end of the phone call, she knew in her heart the horrible truth: David Shuman was going to kill his victim.
Kill her! This sounds as if Owens is is victim, and he plans to kill her
And it would be her Change "her" to "Billie's" fault if she didn’t save this girl on time. Billie was chewing her nails down to the cuticle Pretty specific. How about just "chewing her nails" or "chewing her nails to the nub", her eyes flickering from one monitor to the other, never staying still for longer than a few seconds Your last clause refers back to your first, so it reads "Billie was chewing her nails...never staying still for longer than a few seconds". You want it to refer instead to her eyes.. Workers ran around her, frantically trying to save this girl that they all knew David was holding hostage in his house. Don't tell us that they're frantically trying to save her--show us. Give some of the chaos. Set the scene. In one monitor, she Change "she" to "Billie". could see the hood of a Police Cruiser and a group of men with guns raised, pointed towards the home. All the shudders were pulled, all the lights out. No activity or movement was recorded. Find a different word for "recorded".
All was taken in silence. I don't think "taken" is the word you want here. Also, you just said that things were frantic. They can't also be silent.
“Will We'll get this guy, Billie. Don’t you worry,” her partner, Charlie Wayne, whispered harshly beside her, his voice thick with disgust. Change to something like" "We'll get this guy, Billie, whispered Charlie Wayne, her partner. "Don't you worry." His voice was thick with disgust." This introduces the speaker earlier and breaks up the description so that we're clued in to tone from the start.
“I hope you’re right,” Billie managed to choke out, She seems too attached and we don't know why. We've never met the girl, we've not followed the case. This is Billie's job and she should be more composed. No "managing" or "choking" involved. still observing the monitors over her team’s heads. Charlie handed her a hot coffee, but she refused. She couldn’t imagine drinking that while David’s victim suffered inside his home, screaming for help. ...But it's silent. Why didn’t her men charge the home? Do something! she wondered in frustration, ripping part of her pinkie nail in half. First of all ouch. A little too graphic there for the scene. But the main question is why would she wonder this? They're her men, after all. If they aren't charging it's because she hasn't told them to. She sucked in her breath sharply at the pain and quickly dropped her hand, clasping both behind her back; she took to tapping her foot instead.
“Any news?” her lieutenant asked from the doorway, partly crossing the threshold Nix the clause and end the line at "Doorway". Billie just shook her head, not bothering to turn around Again, nix the clause and end the sentence at "head".. Charlie shrugged apologetically We know it's an apology--no need to tell us. at the lieutenant before turning back to the action unfolding before them. I'm not aware of any action unfolding. There's no news and no one is charging the house, so... Men scrambled as a voice radioed in that movement was spotted along the top story of the home. Billie leaned unintentionally The adverb is unnecessary. forward, her adrenaline rising with each syllable uttered from the man radioing in.
But it turned out to be a false alarm. A cat leaped from a partially opened window of the second story and landed agilely into a tree. You can't land "into" something. Billie heard the whole team sigh audibly The obviously sighed "audibly" if she heard them. at the bad break. “Don’t worry guys, we’ll get him,” Billie reassured her team, We know that she's reassuring them. Just say "said". but as she glanced at the clock, she knew they were running out of time.
Billie almost jumped out of her skin when she heard the phone ring. With apprehension, she answered. “Billie Owens.”
“You are one tough cookie, I will "I'll" give you that.” His voice froze her in her place. “Surrounding my house with Police cars and men with guns. Billie, Billie, Billie.” She could just imagine him shaking his head at her. “Do you really think you are "you're" going to save her? Did you really think you had a chance against me?” She "Billie" didn’t know what to think. His laughter was throaty, filled with some unknown happiness. I think we can guess at the happiness. Also, you didn't mention laughter before, so you cannot now describe it. And break up the sentences into proper paragraphs. “Didn’t think so,” And with that, the line went dead.
A few seconds later, she heard officers radioing in that shots were fired inside the home.
Uh... did she not hear said shots herself?

Good over all. You're ending was really abrupt, though. As it stands it just sounds overly dramatic. Set it up more, or finish it off with the rest of the story or with her reaction or something.
You also like to use modifiers for "said", which are entirely unnecessary. Much better to cut as many "whispered"s and "reassured"s as possible, and let your descriptions stand on their own. You're a strong enough writer that you don't need to use the modifiers and adverbs as crutches--readers will understand because you've already set the mood.

Just clear up some of the questions I posed, or at least consider them, and I think that you'll find this a much stronger piece.

Avens

Avens:

Wow, thanks for putting so much effort into this!

It really helped a lot!

Thanks!

Okay..I'll review this as I go along reading...


From the first part, down to 'all was taken in silence.'

Mistakes so far

-shudders should be shutters-

-Will- should be we'll-

Rather nice intro.
It sets the scene, and it gives a small insight into the killer.

However, at this point I'm thinking
'well..okay...so whats new?'


As for the 'KILL HER!'

Why do women always do that?

I can't pick it out, but women writers always do this for emphiasis...somehow, i think that I would have guessed a lady had wrote this.
Thats not a bad thign of course, it's just intriguing that there exist such noteable differences in the styles---

shut up.

I forget I'm not writing an essay...right...

more reading...

The next part, to 'running out of time'


I like how the description sort of fits a crime novel.
You know how they always have this sort of, not poetic, strictly factual way of wriitng?
They say things how they are in a sort of realistic way, it suits this peice well.

I don't particularily like this way of writing, but you're good at it.

small note:
Do you ever try writing in a very poetic visual way?

Like my Method of madness story?
okay so I'm not an expert (far from it, I'm a terrible one for structure), but I think you should have a go.
It involves lots of similees and metaphors.

Don't just say

'She sucked in her breath sharply at the pain and quickly dropped her hand, clasping both behind her back; she took to tapping her foot instead.'



'She sucked in her breath sharply at the pain and quickly pulled her hand away as though disgusted at her impulsiveness, clasping both behind her back; she took to tapping her foot instead, like some sort of wounded animal, slowly musing on it's fate.'

It's easy really.
Just think of anything that you think suits the mood.
if you were going for a whimsical character, you might say
'dropped her hand like a magician hiding a card'

or a creepy one

'Dropped her hand in an swift shocked motion, like a madman recoiling at his own indeceny.'

or even a 'good' wholeosme character

'Dropped her hand like a ballerina, shamed at her own mistake'


I'm not that great at this, but I understand just how well it helps the reader understand.
Everyone will see it in their own way, and thus, they'll have their own personal view of the character, which increases their interest of the story.
Think how all those characters swim in your head, as though they are each real people.
You know them so well to the extent that you could guess how they would respond to anything.
A reader however, will not have this.

I think that you, like me, are a tad selfish when wriitng, as though you want to chronichle this story that has slipped through another reality into your mind.
As though it is indeed real and happening somewhere, and you merely have to get it out to please yourself.

Start thinking about how your character comes across, the slightest gesture can say wonders about them.

As for this woman, Billie, i know nothing about her, nor have I created much.

Save thats she a nervous type.

I might say caring, but wouldn't most people be concerned?

The ending-


I rather liked this...it was sudden actually, a bit too sudden, but I liked it.

Perhaps you could have her expect someone else on the line?


I'm not sure.


Nice ending though.


In conclusion.
This story has potential, but it needs somethign unique to go places.

I want to know more about the killer, what makes him worth my time if he's just like every other psychopath I've read about?

I'll read the rest soon.