Beautiful Dreamer (please leave a comment)

He’s a beautiful dreamer
Afraid to love,
And of what people might think
About what he’s dreaming of.
He might change them all
If he took a chance
But he’s stunned by fear.
By life’s tarantella dance--
He doesn’t know
What lies ahead.
Bound by faith
In something higher
He’ll take a chance,
But he hesitates,
Foot in the door
As he wonders
What his life is for.
Should he take a chance?
Should he try to dance
Through life ,
With a partner unseen--
The spirit of his source of faith,
Could he chance it?
He steps hesitantly through the door
And bright light fills his eyes--
He cannot see what lies ahead
Still he’s a beautiful dreamer
Afraid to love
Of what people might think
Of what he’s dreaming of.
He’s a visionary
Though his vision may be wearied
And within him lies the hope to change the world.

I really love your poem. Great idea, and great sentences. BUT- I don't know if its just me, but it really throws me off that there's absolutely no punctuation. IE:

"Just what his life is for?

Should he take a chance?

Should he try to dance-

Through life

With a partner unseen?

He places his foot through the door,

And bright light fills his eyes

And he cannot see what lays ahead."

However, I would just put "he cannot see what lays ahead."


Overall, really great poem and idea!

Interesting idea. It's left nicely open for the reader to imagine what his dreams are of, and i like that aspect especially. Also, the phrase beautiful dreamer is a nice one. Sorry if i seem to make lots and lots of changes - they're all just suggestions that you don't have to pay any attention to, by any means, but i hope i can help a bit!

powerofwords2008 wrote:He’s a beautiful dreamer
Afraid to love,
[s]Afraid[/s] Of what [s]the world[/s] people might think

i added this because you say world again later on, and it doesn't quite seem to read right.

Of what he’s dreaming of.

there are a lot of 'of's here. is there any chance you might change one to 'about'?

He might change [s]the world[/s] them all

again, just because you said world already a couple of times, and it's a good idea to vary that kind of thing

If he took a chance
But he’s [s]paralyzed[/s] stunned by fear,

paralyzed is a great word, but it doesn't quite fit the rhyme scheme - i've given a suggestion of what might fit.

[s]Sick[/s]by life’s tarantella dance--

there were too many syllables here, so you'd have to lose the sick, because tarantella is a good word, but takes up most of the space in the rhythm

He doesn’t know
What [s]lays[/s] lies ahead. [/b]oops! wrong tense!
Bound by faith

[b]this line confused me a little bit. I didn't know what you meant - his faith in what? Is there any chance you could ellaborate (please excuse spelling!) a little more on this idea?

He’ll take a chance,

Where did the rhyme go?

But he hesitates,
Foot [s]at[/s] in the door

i can't really imagine his foot being AT the door, though i can imagine it IN the door. ??

As he wonders
Just what his life is for.

[/b][/i]This bit confused me a lot. I wasn't sure why he suddenly decided to contemplate life and it's ins and outs! Maybe this is a little out of place.

Should he take a chance?
Should he try to dance
Through life
With a partner unseen?

[i][b]I don't really understand. Can you ellaborate? Who or what do you mean by an unseen partner?It's a nice idea, i just don't understand who you mean. Also, the rhyme pattern is lost again.

He places his foot through the door

places just seems to me to be the wrong word. Couldn't you put something like 'shuffles' or 'steps'? They are words better related to... er... feet. lol.

And bright light fills his eyes--

very nice line. I like it.

He cannot see what [s]lays[/s] lies ahead
Still, he’s a beautiful dreamer:
Afraid to love,
[s]Afraid[/s] Of what people might think
Of what he’s dreaming of.
He’s a visionary
Though his vision may be scary

eek! i HATE that rhyme! 'Scary' is so out of place! Visionary is a good word, but i just HATE the rhyme! lol.

But within him lies the hope
to change the world.

Ok. So, this poem is by no means whatsoever, a no-hoper. But, there are some issues. Mainly, the rhyme - it's all over the place! I think, if you want a rhyming poem, decide on a pattern of rhyme and then stick to it. That way it will flow. There were some lovely bits, and some bits that i think you can improve on. I did really like the way you went back to the first verse at the end, but i felt that you were trying hard to find rhymes, and so the plot of the poem was lost on me towards the end. Did he do it? or are we left hanging? If it's the latter, maybe consider ending on a more cliff-hanger type stanza. referring back to the first stanza was a great effect, but it gave it a very conclusive ending, even though i couln't find a conclusion about the main character of the piece. I hope i'm making sense.
Other that those small points, i liked it. the idea was good, and it had a mysterious and sort of wistful air to it - you new there was a man and a door and a bright light behind it, and that was all! It was interesting.
Maybe consider adding in some more imagery to any other work you might do. It can be fun, and you seem like that kind of poet - there was a little imagery in this one, too. Experiment and it can be great to use. It adds a new level.

I really hope i've helped you out a bit.
I will keep an eye out for you work, as i'm sure whatever you write next will be just as original and mysterious!

Best of luck,
charlie. ^^

Afraid of what the world might think

Of what he’s dreaming of.

The second line here is kind of weird. I don't like the double use of the word "of" and, frankly, I don't think the line should end with that word, either. It just hangs there. Lots of other words rhyme with "love." I'm sure you can find a better way to phrase this.

But he’s paralyzed by fear.

Sick by life’s tarantella dance--

Maybe "sickened" would be more correct.

He doesn’t know

What lays ahead.

Bound by faith

He’ll take a chance,

"What lies ahead," I think. Also, your rhyme scheme disappears, here.

But he hesitates,

Foot at the door

As he wonders

Just what his life is for.

The meter would flow better, IMO, if you left off "just."

Should he take a chance?

Should he try to dance

Through life ,

With a partner unseen?

I like this one. I'd take the comma out, though.

He places his foot through the door

And bright light fills his eyes--

He cannot see what lays ahead

This part is only three lines long and doesn't rhyme. What happened?

Still he’s a beautiful dreamer

Afraid to love

Afraid of what the world might think

Of what he’s dreaming of.

I like repetition in poetry, and this is good, but I think it would be stronger at the very end of the poem. I'd move the last lines up and put this last.

He’s a visionary

Though his vision may be scary

But within him lies the hope to change the world.

As I said, I'd place this before the previous stanza, but aside from that, I think these are some of the best lines in your poem.

As everyone's already said, the idea behind the poem is its main strength. You already have a couple of critiques that look at the grammar and other details, so I'm just leaving you general ideas.

The structure of the poem was good, with the progression from the character being 'paralyzed by fear' to deciding to take a chance, and then taking a step toward his dream. However, I think these stages could be expanded on.

But he’s paralyzed by fear.
Sick by life’s tarantella dance

Despite the fact that 'paralyzed by fear' is a little over-used, this section of the poem is what drew me into it. In poetry, you have to bring your reader into the situation or they'll not take anything away from your work. So now I'm about to throw out that clichéd phrase: show, don't tell. Here's what I mean:

He doesn’t know
What lays ahead.

So much of the poem was 'telling', like the example above, that the reader wasn't involved enough. Here is a good image that you used to show the reader the risk he's taking by following his dream:

Should he try to dance
Through life ,
With a partner unseen?

This makes readers imagine, thereby involving them in the poem. It would benefit from more lines like these.

Finally, I'll just say that I thought you wrote a strong ending. The almost-repetition, the subtle rhyme, and the message were all lovely!

Good luck!

I like the idea of the poem. The way you structured is good.
However, sometimes the lack of rhyme scheme makes the end of the poem hard to read. It loses the flow. While sometimes a lack of rhyme scheme is a good thing, in this case, it does not work for the poem. In fact, I think it detracks from the poem.
It's a good poem though. I liked it.
-Shel

Hey there! I like your username BTW - words are powerful and this is the year to celebrate them!

Firstly, you used way too many passives. As you may know, there are two types of voice: the active and the passive. Passives tell the audience what is happening:

"But he's stunned by fear."

Active phrases, on the other hand, show the reader the action:

"He might change them all
If he took a chance
But fear has chained him inside."

I've changed the image slightly, but you can see how it is much more striking. Turn every single passive construction around - it'll work wonders for your poem. Once you start to get a feel for how emotionally limiting the passive is, you've taken the first step towards poetry greatness!

You also repeat the word 'chance' too often: "If he took a chance." I don't know if this is an attempt at a running theme, but if it is it's too artificial. Phrases like "he took a chance" are too hackneyed. Find something more original. Try:

"He might change them all
If he blindly tossed the dice
But fear has chained him inside."

Using well-worn ideas like 'taking a chance' won't help your reader. It doesn't feel fresh enough to inspire them. Inspire them with new ways of looking at old concepts - after all, that's part of what we do as writers. Use a thesaurus if you're really stuck.

I don't know about the rhyme scheme at the moment. Right now, it seems too forced. Make it more natural. You could also do with breaking the poem up into stanzas as it focuses on several images rather than one key, unifying idea.

Good attempt otherwise. Hope all this helps. Good luck!

Gahks



6/10