Firstly, I think this piece rambles too much on how things work in the "afterlife". Such examples would be "the glue like food, day cards, etc etc".
I mean, ideas such as "glue-paste used to maintain the afterlife body together, punishment through spending the sentence in hell etc etc seem pretty cool, there are some problems. Not everyone has read other works relating to DOAV. Therefore, when a new comer is reading this, they would be scratching their hands and go "huh, what's going on?". This is due to the lack of relevance as to why you have such ideas. For example, why do people wear gowns when they are in the afterlife? Why do you need that glue food to keep your body together? What are the consequences if you don't? You lose your body, so what? etc etc.
What made the piece with Estan in it work so well is that the ideas in it are integrated to form a metaphor of a sort to heaven, hell and the afterlife. We have Judge Estan who is like a real-life judge for the afterlife. We see her having to make decisions and passing judgement on people, just like judges in reality. Also, people believe that you are judged on whether you go to heaven or hell based on the actions that you do in life when a person dies. This makes sense, because Judge Estan, as well as the setting, actions, descriptions etc reflect a universal idea(s). This piece however, there isn't much of that. I suggest you have a think about this piece and ask yourself what theme/idea you are trying to portray with the ideas you have.
Also, the conversation between Yazra and a demon...seemed more like a girl talking to a boy. I think it's because it's how it is written. It's so mundane and trivial that it seemed more like an attempt at trying to explain to the reader as to what is happening rather than to characterize them. I think one factor which may have influenced this would be in not thinking about what overall theme/idea you are trying to portray. Why would you have a demon talking with Yazra? Why not a genie? A boy? An alien? Or some other fantasy-like creature.
While I'm on that, I think you introduced the characters too suddenly. Though I know who Yazra is, I do not know who this demon is and others do not even know as to who these people are. Starting a piece with a conversation isn't the best way to start a piece, because it leaves readers having to deduce as to what is happening. Here, we didn't really get a chance to understand who Yazra and the demon is, for we are too busy trying to make sense of the conversation and the situation at hand.
Hrmm I think this should be enough to help you out. Overall, this is OK, but it wasn't as good as the piece with had Judge Estan in it due to your ideas missing the mark in terms of relevance as well as the bland conversation.
If you need any more help, PM me.
Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."
