Five String Serenade

Just a little bit of prose inspred by Mazzy Star. She's a legend.








The rain pours down.

Wet. Splashy. Noisy.

But I don’t notice. I don’t notice the cold, the fact that my hands are so numb I can barely play the guitar I clutch. The moon is bright, and casts the world into a melody of silver and black.

The water is quiet, disturbed only by the rain that breaks the surface. The water is black, cold and striking. A great willow hangs high above my head, its branches trailing the water in a great circle so I am enclosed in a cave of soft, wet leaves.

The rowing boat is soaking from the rain, the wood slippery, and I push my sopping hair off my face and begin a gentle strum. I sing above the rain. I pour my hope into the music. And I beg with the music as my weapon for my wish to come true.

The leafy canopy above whispers in harmony and I sing, with my hope, my love, my desire, my pain, and weave my heart into the song.

I dredge up magic from the darkest corners of myself and wish for it to happen. I sing for earth’s beauty, white and black beauty. Great and terrible beauty. Make it happen. Please, so that tonight...so that tonight I might see.

And I finally saw.

scribblingquill wrote: I don’t notice the cold, the fact that my hands are so numb

There should be a semi-colon (;) after the word cold.

The water is quiet

I'm confused, which mass of water is this? Are you sitting by a lake, sea, brook? You said the rain was noisy and this water is quiet, it's a nice contrasting, but I'm just curious as to why? Or maybe you could even comment on the fact that the noisy, pounding rain is disrupting the quiet abyss of the sea/lake/other water mass you may be sitting by.

The rowing boat is soaking from the rain

Maybe it is 'soaked', rather than 'soaking'? I just think the past tense works better, but I could be wrong.

and I push my sopping hair off my face and begin a gentle strum

Too many 'and's. Perhaps you should consider changing the first one to a semi-colon, or the second 'and' into a 'to' (and then change the word 'gentle' to 'gently', obviously.)

I pour my hope into the music. And I beg with the music as my weapon for my wish to come true.

Please don't start a sentence with 'and', it is terrible grammar, also there is a lot of repetition of the word 'music' here. Maybe you could swap the sentence around to something like "I pour mu hope into the music and use it as my weapon to beg for my wish to come true."

The leafy canopy above whispers in harmony and I sing, with my hope, my love, my desire, my pain, and weave my heart into the song.

I don't usually like lists, but I actually quite like this line.

And I finally saw.

I hate sentences starting with 'and', but this one is so impacting that I think you should keep it. I only dislike it if it is after a sentence in which it could be joined to, but when set apart completely like this line, I think it's rather startling.

Congrats! This was a nice piece of prose that was written quite poetically and I think it could be explanded into an entire story, good work!

Haha thank you!

I agree about all the and stuff. This was writted a long time ago, and I kinda tune out after having read something a million times.


Thanks for the crit ^_^