Preface, the Pangbourn family

Okay, so I wanted to post this, It's really short and It's to that good, I just hope you guys like it. I need all the help possible, so please review. Thanks ...Spanish speaker, sorry about the English

Preface

It’s funny, how your whole life can change in one second, how everything you know vanishes in front of your eyes. How one second, can change everything you’ve planned, everything you’ve dreamed of. How a person (if I can call him that way). Can just show into a room one day and just change everything. How could he have changed everything?
The day when he showed up, everything just turned upside down. The word impossible didn’t mean anything anymore. When he showed up, he stopped a war that had been on for centuries, and created a new one, that was even worst. But you might be wondering.. How can a person cause all this mess? Well, the thing is: we are no persons, we are not people, and we are not human.
In this world, there are two creatures, more evolved than humans. Those two creatures have been in war for more than a hundred years. They are a secret, told as a legend. They are vampires and werewolves. These two kinds of creatures have two simple rules (at least I thought they were). First: Don’t tell the secret, about what you are, to any human. And second: Always be loyal and faithful to your own species.
My life had been quite simple until that day, until the day I found out that the second rule wasn’t as easy to follow as I thought it was, until the day I met Seth Barton. This takes me to the beginning of my story, to London England, to the house of one of the most powerful families in the world. The Pangbourn family.

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really short...review please

Your voice is a bit confusing, but I think some of that is attributable to slight typos and miscellaneous errors. The advice it seems I'm giving to a lot of people is this: have someone (preferably) read it aloud to you, and see if you're making the proper connections, inspiring the right questions, and setting the wanted environment.

Right now, the written words make me think of a literal epic, told from the perspective of this narrator, about his/her/its interactions with Seth, followed by the resulting events and consequences. That's all well and good.

Unfortunately, when I read it, I don't feel like I'm preparing for a massive struggle between two bitter and diametrically opposed forces. I don't feel the power of the Pangbourn family, or the scale and scope fo the conflict. At times, it seems that you've created the proper flow, and then it gets thrown off by a typo or an unnecessary statement. The parentheses in particular were distracting; it seems as if the narrator is trying to get a point across, but unrelated side notes are just flitting in and out of it - not the most convincing for something like this.

Overall, take the character and tone of the narrator more into perspective when you edit this, even as you correct the typos, usage errors, and grammatical inconsistencies. Think about what you are trying to convey. Then, convey it.

I wish you the best of luck with your work. Cheers.

Very interesting preface, making me wonder what it's going to lead up to. I do think you need to watch your balance between telling everything and telling nothing. The preface is supposed to lead into the story, and I think you do a fairly good job of that, but some parts seem to tell a bit much.

It’s funny[s],[/s] how your whole life can change in one second, how everything you know vanishes in front of your eyes. How one second[s],[/s] can change everything you’ve planned, everything you’ve dreamed of. How a person [s](if I can call him that way). C[/s] can just show into a room one day and [s]just [/s]change everything.

How could he have changed everything?

Okay, you really didn't need those commas, it works fine without them. Then, I don't think you need the parentheses and you certainly didn't need the break in the middle of the sentence. If you really want the meaning behind the parentheses, then include the info in between commas, as an appositive. Also, don't think you need the 'just,' but that's my own opinion. Then, I think the question works better as its own paragraph, as it's sort of repetitive with the other paragraph.

1On the day [s]when[/s] he showed up, everything [s]just[/s] turned upside down. 2The word impossible didn’t mean anything anymore. 3When he showed up, he stopped a war that had been on for centuries[s],[/s] and created a new one[s],[/s] that was even worse than the one before [s]worst[/s]. 4[s]But[/s] You might be wondering5 how [s]can[/s] [s]a[/s] one person cause [s]all this[/s] such a mess? 6Well, the thing is: [s]we are no persons,[/s] we are not people, and we are not human.

Since I want to fool around with the way you phrase this, I've numbered them for easy reference. Reformatted sentence number one, flows a lot better. Connect sentence number two to whoever 'he' is. Sentence number three didn't need the commas, and the ending was cleaned up. Sentence 4 was combined with sentence 5, and rephrased a bit. Sentence 6 makes no sense at all, what does species have to do with the ability to make a mess? Also, persons about equals people, and people makes more sense. So, you might want to think about how you deliver number 6, or if it's needed at all.

1In this world, there are two kinds of creatures, more evolved than humans. 2Those two kinds of creatures have been in a war for more than a hundred years. 3They are a secret, told as a legend. 4They are vampires and werewolves. 5These two kinds of creatures have two simple rules [s](at least I thought they were)[/s]. 6[s]First:[/s] Don’t tell the secret[s], about what you are,[/s] to any human. 7[s]And second[/s]: Always be loyal [s]and faithful[/s] to your own species.

The bold word is needed in sentence one. Also, how are they more evolved than humans? And does that make them better than humans, or worse? Sentence two, bold words added. Sentences three and four need to be combined. I don't think you need the parentheses in sentence five, and combine sentences five, six, and seven. Don't think you need the parts in the strike out, either gives away too much info, or isn't needed in new sentence structure.

My life had been quite simple until [s]that day, until the day I found out that the second rule wasn’t as easy to follow as I thought it was, until the day[/s] I met Seth Barton. This takes me to the beginning of my story, to London England, to the house of one of the most powerful families in the world. The Pangbourn family.

One, repetition isn't good for a story, it's too fattening. Plus, this gets a bit rambly and I think it's stronger just to say that she(?) met Seth. Then, I don't think you need the underlined part. I think it's a bit too telly, and that you should show this in chapter one. Begin chapter one with her life before Seth, and then show her meeting Seth. I also think it would be better to maybe add in the second rule foreshadowing as a sentence to complete the paragraph. Just remember, foreshadowing, not telling.

This is a great preface, and I can't wait to see your take on vampires and werewolves. I think the fight between the two species is interesting, and I wonder how that started. And, I wonder who Seth is going to be, and how your character is going to react. All in all, a very great start. I'm interested in seeing how this Romeo and Juliet foreshadowing is going to go.

PM me if you have questions on my review, and good luck with your writing!