The Lone One

“There goes that impostor!” the priest cried.

He gestured towards the doorway where just seconds ago a bloodied, beaten man had gone through. “He claims himself to be the Messiah! What an unbelievable lie, friends.”

Murmuring broke out around Amin Saif and he felt a rush of disbelief and anger. How could they agree after witnessing what the man had gone through? The man had never made a sound. And they had whipped him, beaten him, mocked him…The memories made his vision blur, made his cheeks streaked with hot, salty tears.

“That man is Jesus, a citizen from Bethlehem. He is charged of mocking our God. Our precious Allah!” the priest continued, his gestures and words sounding rehearsed and over-vehement to Amin. “But Pontius Pilate is putting him on trial…” his voice became silky, “and he will ask if Barabbas, a man charged of a far simpler crime, or Jesus shall be crucified.”

Another ripple of murmuring disturbed the crowd.

Amin gasped as the priest showed a bag, shaking it so all could hear the tinkle of coins inside…His eyes grew as wide as the stones in the desert as the priest laid it all out…They were going to crucify Jesus. The priest was bribing them! Bribing them for crimes that maybe an innocent man was convicted of. Maybe an innocent man…And mistrust and fury made him raise his hand. The priest’s eyes narrowed on him and so did the crowd’s. “Yes?” the priest asked.

“Why are you bribing us?” Amin asked. “If you believe Jesus to be a criminal, then shouldn’t that be enough?”

The priest smirked, “My dear boy. All I am doing is persuading them to see justice to bring an offender of the peace and our religion. To see what a villain deserves.”

Amin didn’t have the chance to answer. The priest uttered a mighty cry as Jesus was led out. Along with Pontius Pilate, the High Priest. He looked out at the crowd with steady eyes.

“Barabbas and Jesus,” he began, his voice soft and yet booming in Amin’s ears. “Who shall be released?”

“Barabbas!” the people around Amin cried. He himself didn’t answer, just tried to gulp back his sobs. Even with tears clouding his vision, he could see the Priest was shocked.

“Are you sure?” the Priest replied. “Shall we crucify an offender or a—”

“Crucify Jesus!” the crowd yelled. “Crucify him!”

There was a heavy silence then the Priest spoke, “Very well.”

The crowd cheered and began to follow Jesus. Amin went the opposite way. As far as he knew, the crowd was strangers now. Strangers that Amin would never speak to for the rest of his life.

(Author’s Note: Okay, I just wrote this on a whim. I was just like “What if?” and…yeah. I wrote it and posted it! What else is there to say?”

Right now, it's kind of weird, because although Amin is obviously blubbering and stuff, we don't really see what connection he has with Jesus, other than he knows about the sufferings that Jesus went through. So... it's kind of weird because in order to make a piece, especially a religious piece, unique, you have to give us some background information of your main character. So add some more depth with Amin, and this piece will be much better.

Interesting. I've never seen anything from biblical times up here, or much fiction set there, so this was nice to see. It was a bit short but I liked it. I don't think we really need any more information, although people who don't know the story may be confused.

Was Amin a real person? Because I've never heard of him. Did you make him up as just another character? I thought you pulled him off well, anyway. I'd like to know a little bit more about him, particularly his history. Why does he believe Jesus when he says he's the Messiah?

One little nitpick, I'm pretty sure the other guy's name was Barnabus, but I can't be sure. I'm assuming you did your research, but I thought there was an 'n' in there.

Overall, great job! And... shouldn't this be in historical fiction?

Hey, deafwriter!

This was a really cool idea for a story. ^_^ I loved that you made it interesting, without being preachy. People are usually tempted to go preachy and annoying when faced with biblical topics--you just treated it as a story, with a new character that we can root for.

GEEKS, UNITE!

“That man is Jesus, a citizen from Bethlehem. He is charged of mocking our God. Our precious Allah!”

- Jesus was born in Bethlehem, but Mary and Joseph lived in Nazareth, and so Jesus is referred to as "Jesus of Nazareth" a lot more often.

- He was tried by Romans, who were pagan and wouldn't have one God. Jews would have been condemned along with Jesus, so they wouldn't have been quite that quick to voice approval. The word 'Allah' was first used by pagan Arabs as one of their many deities, but Latin, Aramaic, or Hebrew would have been spoken at that time in Jerusalem--not the Arabic dialect of the nomadic pagans in the Rub al-Khali near Mecca, which is several hundred miles to the south. 'Allah' didn't come to be used as "God the father" until the founding of Islam in the 600s. 'Yaweh' might be more accurate--that's the Hebrew word for 'God', but the Jews were pushed around a lot, so it's probably safer for everyone to be pagan.

His eyes grew as wide as the stones in the desert

Israel looks a lot like Arizona, in places--it's rocky with scrubby bush things. The stones, unless they're part of a formation, have usually been cracked with heat. Moral of the story? Different metaphor, please. ^_~

I'm also pretty sure that Pilate was a soldier/policeman, not a priest, but I'm not for sure. I'd check.

EXECUTION DAY

The thing to keep in mind when you're writing ye olde execution scenes is that hangings, burnings, crucifixion, etc. were forms of entertainment back in the day. If Amin has a problem with Jesus' death, he's a weirdo, and needs to be explained from the very beginning. The Romans were very good at arbitrarily selecting people to kill--they're The Man, so no one really wanted to mess with them.

Basically, you're dealing with a people that we'd call "heartless", so we need to know why Amin is affected by the gore at all, pre-bribery. A little blood? So what. Unless he had personal ties to Jesus, it wouldn't be something that would affect his whole life.

__

Thanks for the read, deafwriter. You know the drill--poke me if you have questions or want me to take a look at something else. ^_^

Okay so i am not a Cristian, and okay i have no idea if 'Amin' who ever he is, is just one of your characters or if he really existed. And i am not a Muslim either. But being neither i still think the....... paragraphs that make a small story is good. But knowing a few things about the life of Jesus, there were people who tried to save Jesus. There were a group of people who insulted these priests who bribed people. But here you haven't mentioned them have you??
Small flaw i think. Other than that i think the short story was good.

deafwriter_19 wrote:“There goes that impostor!” the priest cried.

He gestured towards the doorway where just seconds ago a bloodied, beaten man had gone through. “He claims himself to be the Messiah! What an unbelievable lie, friends.”

Murmuring broke out around Amin Saif and he felt a rush of disbelief and anger. How could they agree after witnessing what the man had gone through? The man had never made a sound. And they had whipped him, beaten him, mocked him…The memories made his vision blur, made his cheeks streaked with hot, salty tears.

“That man is Jesus, a citizen from Bethlehem. He is charged of mocking our God. Our precious Allah!” the priest continued, his gestures and words sounding rehearsed and over-vehement to Amin. “But Pontius Pilate is putting him on trial…” his voice became silky, “and he will ask if Barabbas, a man charged of a far simpler crime, or Jesus shall be crucified.”

Another ripple of murmuring disturbed the crowd.

Amin gasped as the priest showed a bag, shaking it so all could hear the tinkle of coins inside…His eyes grew as wide as the stones in the desert as the priest laid it all out…They were going to crucify Jesus. The priest was bribing them! Bribing them for crimes that maybe an innocent man was convicted of. Maybe an innocent man…And mistrust and fury made him raise his hand. The priest’s eyes narrowed on him and so did the crowd’s. “Yes?” the priest asked.

“Why are you bribing us?” Amin asked. “If you believe Jesus to be a criminal, then shouldn’t that be enough?”

The priest smirked, “My dear boy. All I am doing is persuading them to see justice to bring an offender of the peace and our religion. To see what a villain deserves.”

Amin didn’t have the chance to answer. The priest uttered a mighty cry as Jesus was led out. Along with Pontius Pilate, the High Priest. He looked out at the crowd with steady eyes.

“Barabbas and Jesus,” he began, his voice soft and yet booming in Amin’s ears. “Who shall be released?”

“Barabbas!” the people around Amin cried. He himself didn’t answer, just tried to gulp back his sobs. Even with tears clouding his vision, he could see the Priest was shocked.

“Are you sure?” the Priest replied. “Shall we crucify an offender or a—”

“Crucify Jesus!” the crowd yelled. “Crucify him!”

There was a heavy silence then the Priest spoke, “Very well.”

The crowd cheered and began to follow Jesus. Amin went the opposite way. As far as he knew, the crowd was strangers now. Strangers that Amin would never speak to for the rest of his life.

(Author’s Note: Okay, I just wrote this on a whim. I was just like “What if?” and…yeah. I wrote it and posted it! What else is there to say?”

Amazing.

Show, don't tell.
For example: instaed of the priest saying "after him!" you could say: "The priests sandles slap slap slaped againt the sandy road as he pursued the runaway and yelled for his men to do the same.
This is something I struggle with to, so don't feel bad.

Bonjour! Stella here!

This is truly going to be odd to critique...

I. NITPICKS

The memories made his vision blur, made his cheeks streaked with hot, salty tears.

From this, I'm guessing the man was a Christian. Well, a Jew who believed Jesus to be the Messiah. Show us more about this.

a citizen from Bethlehem.

As Sam said, Jesus was from Nazareth. I'm not sure if the word "citizen" would be used, but he wouldn't have been referred to as from Bethlehem, always as from nazareth.

Our precious Allah!”

Now, I'm not as much as an expert as Snoink, but I don't reckon Allah would be used. I would associate it with Islam rather than Judaism myself. But again, as Sam said (sorry for repeating), Yaweh would have been an ancient Jewish word for the Lord, I'm pretty sure. Who is speaking at the moment? Is it a Pharisee? They were against the idea of Jesus being the Messiah, and they were Jewish.

“and he will ask if Barabbas, a man charged of a far simpler crime, or Jesus shall be crucified.”

lol, fun fact, I'm almost sure Barrabas' first name was "Jesus" too. So you might want to shove a "Christ" in there.

There was a heavy silence then the Priest spoke, “Very well.”

It was Pilate who asked them, and washed his hands of the case, literally.

Okay...

II. CREDIBILITY

The problem with historical fiction is that people like you to be accurate. And the Bible, well, a lot of people know this story let's say, so they're bound to remember it. So you need to be accurate for the plot to be believed.

III. CHARACTERS

Don't portray them as cold and cruel. The Pharisees were scared of being, well, not overthrown, but of something. And the people around Amin, why do they want Barrabas freed? Even without the money. Or is it just the money? Perhaps he could engage one in conversation and ask them why?

IV. DESCRIPTION

Describe everything. Get us right into that crowd, make us smell the sweat. Show us the faces of the priest and Pilate, what are their expressions like? How are the crowd reacting to every word? What do the people around Amin look like, how is each individual taking the speech?

Put us in his shoes.

V. OVERALL

It was interesting and a good idea, and well written too, but it could use work.

Hope I've helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x

This is fantastic. Chocoholic, it was Barabbus. I'm a Christian. I would know. DW, it's a bit confusing as to who is talking so try to fix that.

As Sam and Stella T said, Jesus would have been referred to as "Jesus from Nazareth."

And again, as they said, they definitely wouldn't have used Allah back then. They would have used these: Messiah, Yaweh, Jesus Christ (obviously), and many others. The Romans called him the King of the Jews but made it degrading to him. As an insult, if you will.

By the way, it was Barabas, not Barabbas.

You should show us how the people around him are feeling about what Pilate is saying and the priest's bribe. And show us why Amin is crying over Jesus's death. Was he close to Jesus? Was he related? What? And just saying he believes in Him is not enough. Because many of those people who said to crucify him were once followers of Jesus.

Otherwise, this was great! Keep it up!

Alex