Theodore King ( Part One: Sharon )

Just another vampire story. I hope it isn't too long... Anyway, R for language and a bit of violence. Some sexual innuendo, but nothing overt. Enjoy!

EDIT: Incidentally, this is the first work I've submitted on this site. Go, me. XD

Theodore King
Part One: Sharon

Above all things, I am a creature of caution. One must be, to survive as long as I have. Yet, there are certain women, girls, if you will, that drive me so wild that I lose control of myself. It has been so as long as I can remember, even in those hazy recollections of the time when I still lived, and it is a vice that has jeopardized my secret on more than a few occasions.

When I met my lovely Sharon, I was trolling a haunt outside of my usual territory. I had been a little overzealous in my appetites lately, and a few lovely ladies had disappeared after having been seen departing certain nightclubs and bars in my company. I have no legal identity, and no one would believe the truth even were I to be implicated, but it was time to move on.

I had found a blacklight goth joint just over the state line, mostly teens with home-made IDs. I was more on the lookout for potential competition than for prey, this night, as I was unsure whether any others of my kind frequented the area, but, though there were many aping the part, I observed no true undead of any calibre.

Almost immediately upon my entrance, I found myself surrounded by a flock of leather-clad girls, none of whom could have been of legal drinking age in this country. In fact, I am quite sure a number of them had not yet achieved the age of sexual consent. I felt no particular desire for such as these, but force of habit caught me looking them over despite myself, gauging which of them would be most vulnerable to my attentions.

It was only when I withdrew myself from the lustful thoughts of these teens that I noticed Sharon. Her eyes found mine from her seat at the bar, but, instead of feigning embarrassment that I had observed her interest, she maintained eye contact, neither encouraging nor deterring me. A strong, self-assured young female, dark of hair and eye and pale of skin. My favorite. I gave her an enigmatic smile as a quick taste of her mind told me all I need know of her.

Brushing aside the vampire-obsessed girls - some of them cut themselves, I could smell the dried blood beneath their long sleeves - I swept up to the bar, all charm and grace and, dare I say, beauty. She tossed her hair, lit a cigarette, looked me over, all cool and collected, but I could taste the undercurrent of her desire. She wanted me, and badly, but she would not admit it until she had assured herself that I was worthy. A delicious streak of stubbornness ran through her soul. Perfect. I reached past her, letting myself come so close that the hair on her arms stood on end to meet mine, and selected a so-called "loosey" from the can of cigarettes on the bar, leaving a quarter in its place.

As I lit the cigarette, forcing my lungs to expand and contract as they have not done instinctively for centuries, I let my eyes roll over her body, taking in the slight curves of her small breasts, her slender hips, the toned thighs beneath her skirt. Oh, but she was every inch a delicacy, right down to the indecision in those beautiful, dark eyes of hers. She did not know whether to show disgust at my obvious lechery, or to encourage me by preening for my benefit. I gave her mind a gentle nudge toward the latter and she sat up straighter, arching her back so that her breasts appeared more prominent and adjusting her legs to display a long line of pale thigh.

"Why don't we take these cigarettes outside, Sharon?" I suggested, and that malleable little mind of hers opened her mouth, all done up in dark lipstick, and gave the desired response:

"Okay."

It was but the work of a moment to guide the mesmerized girl out the door, and only the slightest of mental efforts was required to keep the "groupies" from following us. Once safely in the alley behind the club, with the door locked behind us, I released my mental hold on Sharon entirely. She blinked and shook her head as though fighting off nightmares, and I took advantage of her disorientation to squeeze one of her breasts, seeking to arouse her anger against me. It worked.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she demanded, eyes ablaze with fury. "You fucking perv, get your hands off me!" As she slapped at my hand, I obliged her, and she began backing away from me the moment she no longer felt my touch. It took her several moments to realize that she was retreating deeper into the alley, and it was only then that the taste of her fear became tangible. Forcing herself to stand up to me, she struggled to keep the fear from her voice as she demanded that I step aside.

"I don't think so, Sharon," I told her, relishing the rush of adrenaline as she heard this evil-looking stranger speak her name. "I intend to keep you." My words were chosen to arouse her fear, and thus far I was succeeding. I took a step towards her, and laughed as she took an involuntary step back. She shivered as my cold mirth washed over her, and finally she looked into my eyes.

"What are you going to do?" she asked, though of course she thought she already knew the answer. She was wrong.

"I will not make this easier for you, my Sharon," I replied, and that tiny taste of lust beneath her fear blossomed slightly at my use of the possessive. She was absolutely irresistible, and I told her so, continuing to advance upon her until she had backed herself up against the filthy wall.

"You won't get away with this!" Sharon insisted, attempting to distract me as her hand reached into her pocket. I let her think she was getting away with it, and she whipped out a can of mace, depressing the plunger as she aimed the thing for my eyes.

Lightning-quick, I darted forward, knocking the canister from her hand almost before its contents had begun to spray out. I was very suddenly very close to her, and fear screamed like a child inside of her head, though she struggled to maintain the illusion of strength. I could feel her searching for defiant words, but with my ice-cold body pressed against her warm, living flesh, a very different kind of fear was beginning to spread its icy tendrils through her veins. Oh, how I relish this moment.

"That's right, my Sharon," I told her, and snatched her wrists with immortal speed, pinning them to the dirty bricks above her head so that she was stretched, helpless, against the wall. "I think you begin to realize your true fate."

As her dark eyes stared wildly into mine, I gave her a glimpse of what was to come, a flashback of a hundred thousand other girls just like her, dying as their life drained into my throat, sating for a moment my eternal thirst.

Then, once again, I released her from my thrall, so that she fell back into reality; she was helpless, in a dark alley, with a creature she'd thought could never exist outside of nightmares and fantastic tales. Even now, she tried to fight me, writhing in my grasp though she was not able to move more than an inch or two in any direction. Releasing her arms, I pressed myself in close to her, inhaling the sweet aroma of her delicate skin as my lips pressed to her neck. She continued to fight, pounding her fists against my back, though it was clear that such struggles would do her no good.

Ah, but this is how I love it best!

Without warning, I plunged my fangs into her carotid artery, letting her feel the sharp stab of pain before I sealed my lips around the wound and drank. She tried to scream, at the last, but only a slight mental effort was required to silence her. Hot, salty blood flowed over my tongue, the most delicious taste imaginable, and I savored it as I swallowed, unable to keep from uttering contented grunts at the pleasure of it all.

All too soon, her pulse, made violent by her fear, began to fade, and I could hear the fluttering of her heart that signified her proximity to death. Not satisfied to leave such a morsel to die in such a squalid place, I gathered her body, now almost as cold as my own, into my arms, and bore her with me as I returned to my place of daytime rest.

Hello and welcome, Professor Rabbit, to YWS.

This first piece of yours is fairly well written, so kudos on that. Unfortunately, it doesn't really do much at all with the content being fairly stock, cliche vampire lit. I liked the narrator's voice - despite its similarity to those others I have read in vampire fiction - its not always easy to pull it off.

It has been so as long as I can remember, even in those hazy recollections of the time when I still lived, and it is one of two vices that have plagued me mercilessly over the centuries, jeopardizing my secret on more than a few occasions

This sentence is too long and it disrupts the flow. At least half of it can and should, be cut.

[s] Such is my curse, so often disguised as a blessing.[/s]

Cut. Get rid of the dramatics, it is so very boring to read in vamp lit. And well, anywhere really, but more so here.

I have no legal identity, and no one would believe the truth even were I to be implicated, but it was time to move on.

Comma splice after 'and'. Cut.

It is true that a vampire hunting in a goth club will have as easy a time as if he were, as they say, shooting fish in a barrel.

Awkward, awkward sentence. Reword.

I'm very much liking the clinical tone the narrator has, by the by. Although sometimes you ruin it.

Let the game begin!

What the hell is that? XD. From a passive recount to active thought and even as a thought, its not good enough to be included and whats more, doesn't really fit the overall tone. Cut.

She tossed her hair, lit a cigarette, looked me over, all cool and collected, but I could taste the undercurrent of her desire

A cigarette? Really? *Sigh* You do a lot of things right in this piece and then you go ahead and add in something like that. Try and stay away from the cliches, have fun with this, do something intelligent! Or not, really, just anything else but that.

As I lit the cigarette, forcing my lungs to expand and contact

contract

*

Okay, so its fairly stock vamp at the moment, as I said before - also, I think you went too much from recounting to actively narrating, which was strange, cos you were telling us, the reader of how you met 'my sharon' only to change from that to showing us as if it were happening right there and ending it as if it had just occured.

Something is wrong there, with the tenses and the structure. So, you need to make it active, or keep the whole thing as a recount, as if he's just going over it again in his mind.

I hope that, should you continue with this, you play a little more with the convention and get inventive, because your writing surely warrants it, being good and all. Kudos.

Hey, Rabbit. Welcome to YWS. :S I hope you have a great time on here, and submit a heap of work. By the looks of it, you're a really good writer already, but there's a few things that you could work on in the future.

Some of your sentences read a little awkwardly. It may just come with the narrator's voice, but your story'll be better if you improve the flow, like here:

and a few lovely ladies had disappeared after having been seen departing certain nightclubs and bars in my company.

There, it gets a little annoying to read in the middle. It's as if you've complicated it on purpose. Aagain, it may be the tone, but if it seems awkwardly worded near the beginning, people may just stop reading. I'd recommend changing "having been seen" to "after being seen.." It makes the sentence read smoother.

Also, you use the word "lovely" both in that quote, and in the sentence before it. The reptition is grating, and you should try to cut out most adverbs in general. They're a sign of telling instead of showing.

I love your tone in the next few paragraphs, by the way. It may be used a lot in novels, but you do it well, and it seems natural.

I felt no particular desire for such as these,

It feels as if you're a missing a word. "I felt no particular desire for girls such as these," maybe?

She wanted me, and badly, but she would not admit it until she had assured herself that I was worthy.

Something's off in the middle of that sentence, even though I can't pinpoint it. Try re-wording it.

As I lit the cigarette, forcing my lungs to expand and contact as they have not done instinctively for centuries

Yopur tense switches in the middle of this sentence, and then switches back again. Change "have" to "had."

"Why don't we take these cigarettes outside, Sharon?"

*blinks* I may have missed it, but I don't think she told him her name. Maybe he got it from her mind somehow, but she's probably be a bit creeped out. xD

and her fear screamed like a child inside of her head, though she struggled to maintain the illusion of strength.

Get rid of the first "her" to avoid reptition.

As her dark eyes stare wildly into mine, I gave

Look at the bolded words. The first is in present tense, and the second is in past. Choose one, and stick to it.

I'll be interested to see if you can take this away from a typical kind of story, so PM me when you put the next part up. If there is a next part, I suppose. Your writing style made it interesting to read, although you have a few tense issues to work through.

Hope this helped. ^_^

-Mat

Thanks for the reviews, guys. I'll admit that you're right. *sigh* I have such a problem with originality. No matter how well I do with the actual writing, the stories are always the same as a million others you've heard before.

Anyway, I fixed a few of the awkward things. As for the cigarette, well, I recently quit smoking, and they're on my mind constantly. XP ( EDIT: Plus, teenagers think they're sexy. Go figure. )

I don't honestly know whether I'll be writing any more of this. I like the character, but I'm tired of vampires. I'll probably be switching to the Sci-Fi forum if I can just figure out how to start my story off without completely ripping off the book Total Recall.