Childhood Fears

Fall asleep;
Waste away;
Make childhood fears;
Drop dead today.

I don’t want to smile;
I don’t want to cry;
Want to stay in my room;
Away from the hype.

Lie in a hole;
I'll call it a grave;
Secretly praying;
For me to be saved.

Away from the people;
Away from the smiles;
I reach for my hope;
And grip on the trigger...

I fell asleep;
I wasted away;
My childhood fears;
All died today.

Well, I'm not really sure if I liked this...

A few things....

I don’t want to smile;

I don’t want to cry;

Want to stay in my room;

Away from the hype.

Cry and Hype don't really rhyme. And normally I am all for stretching the rhyming and all, but that doesn't work.

Away from the people;

Away from the smiles;

I reach for my hope;

And grip on the trigger...

Here you seem to totally drop your rhyming scheme.
You started off with it, just felt like you should follow through with it.

Lie in a hole;

I'll call it a grave;

Secretly praying;

For me to be saved.

I actually really like this part. Nice imagery. But maybe change it up a bit. Like,
"I'll lie in a hole
and call it a grave;
secretly praying
for me to be saved."


I'm not much of a grammer freak, but it seems like you are in love with semicolons... it is a bit distracting. I'm not sure even if your usage is correct, I just know it's irritating to read.

All in all, it's interesting.

Hello! Welcome to the YWS. I'm not sure if you've welcomed yourself in the welcome section - I've been gone for a while. But whether you have or haven't, nice to meet you! If you have any questions or need help finding something on the site feel free to PM me.

The first thing I notice about this poem is the way you list things rather than tell about them:

Fall asleep;
Waste away;
Make childhood fears;
Drop dead today.

This is a list, and an uninteresting one at that. I'll just use this one stanza as an example for the whole poem. What is this stanza even saying? I see it's a list, but I'm not even sure what you're listing. It's like that with the whole poem, in a certain way. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm assuming this is written from a personal standpoint. Poetry is a great way to express emotion, but if you want to write a good poem for others to read, you need to step out of yourself when you write it. Consider the fact that I, your reader, don't know what you're talking about, haven't experienced what you have, and I don't feel what you feel. That is the purpose of writing poetry - to make the reader experience, think, and feel. Rather than making a list of something, of feelings and events that everyone but you doesn't understand, why not describe a specific event relating to the memories you have. Explain it, describe it, use metaphors and other poetic elements to make the poem more vivid.

The best way to learn how to do this is by reading poetry. Either go out and buy a poetry collection, or you can surf around YWS and read. Some of the best poets on this site, but certainly not all of them, are Incandescence, Fandilocks, Cade, Via, Leja, and Caligulas Launderette. Read something by any one of them, and read the reviews they received. It will give you a better idea of how to write poetry. Honestly, the best way to learn how to write poetry is to read it.

I hope this helped! I know I was kind of vague, but it's hard to explain beyond that. You have to take one step at a time with writing. The first step in poetry is to read more and understand more. Good luck!

Cry and Hype don't really rhyme. And normally I am all for stretching the rhyming and all, but that doesn't work.

Thanks, I'm aware it doesn't rhyme, it used to be 'just want to die' instead of 'away from the hype', but I thought it was too strong and tried to change it, so I agree with you.

Thank you for all your input I agree with most of it, I'm not too proud of this poem and was hoping for some constructive criticism! So thanks for taking the time to do this!

Suzanne wrote: I hope this helped! I know I was kind of vague, but it's hard to explain beyond that. You have to take one step at a time with writing. The first step in poetry is to read more and understand more. Good luck!

It did help thank you! I'm not much of a poet (as you can tell!) I just thought I would submit something to see what others thought about my work, and now I know I think I'll stick to story writing haha! In all seriousness, I'm not giving up. If I feel like poetry writing I will do, if I stick with the children's lit I've always been passionate about then I'll continue with that, but thanks for all your advice, after all that's what I'm here for- to be critiqued and advised!