For Your Return

FOR YOUR RETURN

[Intro Verse]
November, the leaves fall
Still it already feels like winter
Stand here, remembering
How you always held me close

Tears frozen, cannot cry
Yet the sadness burns inside
Recall your green eyes
How they held me spellbound

[Chorus]
But now you’re gone
And this hole in me refuses to heal
I’m screaming out for your return
Don’t you know I die inside
With every picture I see of you
And I’m wishing for your return

December, there’s no snow
Why do I feel like I’m in ice?
The fire won’t warm me
And I shiver cold in the rain

[Chorus]
But now you’re gone
And this hole in me refuses to heal
I’m screaming out for your return
Don’t you know I die inside
With every picture I see of you
And I’m wishing for your return

[Bridge]
I wonder if you think of me
But that’s only wishful thinking
You’re fine with your life
Same as me, but it can be complete
With you

[Chorus]
But now you’re gone
And this hole in me refuses to heal
I’m screaming out for your return
Don’t you know I die inside
With every picture I see of you
And I’m wishing for your return

[Exit Verse]
January, the coldest winter
And I’m beginning to feel warm

This is great! I liked the verses. This seems like someone who's lost someone who he or she loved and wants them to come back.

That last part...

[Exit Verse]
January, the coldest winter
And I’m beginning to feel warm

It doesn't really make sense. Why would s/he begin to feel warm? Did something happen? Or did s/he let go? Or what? You may want to add some more lines. Think about it.

Alex

It all sounds really angry. I see your point at trying to sound angry but it sounds like this song is heavy metal or screaming emo music. Either way it sounds eccentrically angry. I don't know if that's the point behind this or what but personally I think the anger needs to be toned down a bit. This is a heartbreak song, so it should be more about sadness and why the girl is missed rather than anger.

Personally, I'd say this needs quite a bit of work. It does have potential though. Just tone down the anger a little.

For example: "I’m screaming out for your return"

Change the screaming bit to a 'crying' or maybe 'calling'. You know, something softer and more sad. That part makes me think the music will be screamy and emo, which I don't think you intended.

The exit verse also doesn't make a lot of sense. But I don't think you should cut it out. It's almost there, but not quite; you just need to add the last two lines like the other two verses to provide the reader with a little more clarity.

I do believe that this piece has potential and I know you can do it if you just edit a little more. 0(o.o)0

I actually disagree. I loved the last two lines.

My main problem with this peice was that it was rather.... done. You know. And while almost anything you write will have been done before, you can avoid the sensation of having heard this song before by having a new take or a different description of the same old. Clevor wording and out of the box descriptions can go a long way in making the oldest story in the book feel fresh and real.

That's why I enjoyed the last line. Your final impression was one of hope, so unexpected and wonderful, it made me literally smile. It was the proverbial rainbow after the storm. For me, anyway.

So yeah. It's well-written so the only thing I suggest is some creative wording here and there to shake up the norm. Have fun with it. Thanks, it was a fun and easy read and critique. Later.

another heartbreak written into song.

I believe there will be a day when heartbreak songs are a thing of the past. They are very difficult to make sound original. and personally I'm sick of hearing people crying over lost loved ones. But I understand we all need to let that emotion out.

But sit back and view the whole world for a second, we all go through that. We can relate. But since my first breakup, now when I leave a girl I want to sing a song about living my life, I want to hear a song about how big the universe may be. I want to know what I'm crying about all in fact dosn't really matter in the big picture.

I would like to politely disagree. I don't think that heartbreak songs will become a thing of the past. In the same way 'Good versus Evil' will probably never become a thing of the past in fiction, I believe the same rule applies here. It is a way of life, we writers write about it, and people will continue to read it. I really do believe very strongly in that.

Now, onto the song. I thought this was subtle and effective. The imagery is clear and sharp, and I don't have many problems with the punctuation or word choice. I think the chorus is good- not great, good as it is, but perhaps make it a little stronger? To do this I would re-work it into something a little smaller. Something more certain of itself. Now you might have thought using the verb 'screaming' was making it strong, but it's not particularly. I would use something a little more thought provoking. The speaker is vulnerable. The speaker is volatile. 'I'm scoring out,' or 'calling' would be better.

Actually,

Would you consider changing it to

'I'm living now for your return?'

Just an idea!

Fab last two lines. Really. Well done on a good song.

Eimear

I highlighted the things I would change in a bold font.





November, and the leaves start to fall
Still it already feels like winter
Stand here, remembering
How you always held me close
Now to be so far away

My tears are frozen, but I cant cry
Yet the sadness stil burns inside
Recall your [s]green[/s] eyes
How they held me spellbound

[Chorus]
But now you’re gone
And this hole in me refuses to heal
and I’m screaming out for your return
Don’t you know I die inside
With every picture I see of you (I continue to burn)
And I’m wishing for your return

December, but there’s no snow
So Why do I feel like I’m in ice?
This fire doesn't warm my skin
And I shiver cold in the rain

[Chorus]
But now you’re gone
And this hole in me refuses to heal
and I’m screaming out for your return
Don’t you know I die inside
With every picture I see of you (I continue to burn)
And I’m wishing for your return

[Bridge]
I wonder if you think of me
But that’s only wishful thinking
You’re fine with your life
Same as me, but it can be complete
With you

[Chorus]
But now you’re gone
And this hole in me refuses to heal
and I’m screaming out for your return
Don’t you know I die inside
With every picture I see of you (I continue to burn)
And I’m wishing for your return

[Exit Verse]
January, the coldest winter
And I’m beginning to feel warm


Its really good! One thing you may want to work on though is trying to make your lyrics alot more personal. Make me have to really think about what it's about. If you want an example, check out the lyrics to Underoath's "Writing on the Wall"

Don't stop writing!

~Eyes of Eden

The lyrics don't seem too personal.
Yes you mention the feelings, but they don't seem deep enough to be personal, granted this was written on a whim. I suggest trying to put more emotion into it.