Alone With The Sky

alright, so my last two poems haven't been very great. so, i have two strikes (in my mind, anyway). this is my last try at poetry...three strikes and I'm out...so lets hope I'm not the Ryan Howard of poems and strike out...(i don't particularly care for this poem, so you can rip it to shreds if you want)

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Our faces were just inches apart,
My hand lay on his chest,
And felt his beating heart.

Rain poured steadily down,
And wind howled,
Far away from any town.

Our hair and clothes: soaking wet.
He smiled at me,
And our lips met.

And the world zoomed by,
And let us be--
Just alone with the sky,
For eternity.

My goodness!? Three strikes and your out! Don't do it! Don't stop writing poetry! Writing is supposed to feel like this-- like every word you put to the paper is wrong, like the outcome of all your efforts is crap. Everyone feels like that. But don't stop! Your best work will come out of the desperation, when you have drained yourself of all creative efforts, when you throw your hands in the air. Your best work will follow.

With that said, this poem is very beautiful. Your imagery is like a painting. My favorite line is :

Far away from any town.


Because it says so much with so little.

But regardless of how people take your poems, don't stop! (Sorry for being so redundant, but you are too talented a writer-- and at 13?!?! to stop!)

Oh my, you can't stop on your third poem! It took me my hundredth poem to write something that was half-decent! Most poets can't write well until they've put in the time and spent a great deal of effort. You can't expect to get anything worthy out if you don't put anything worthy in.

Another thing to note, is that you are your best critic. If you don't think a poem is worthy, you make one to better it. Don't give us your opinion of it, or we will be biased.

Moving on:
--be careful of the overuse of 'and' and extra words (words that water down the meaning).

Our faces were [s]just [/s]inches apart,
My hand [s]lay [/s]on his chest,
[s]And [/s]felt his beating heart.

Rain poured steadily down,
[s]And [/s]wind howled,
Far away from any town.

Our hair and clothes: soaking wet.
He smiled at me,
[s]And [/s]our lips met.

[s]And [/s]the world zoomed by,
[s]And [/s]let us be--
[s]Just [/s]alone with the sky,
For eternity.

now read it:

Our faces were inches apart
My hand on his chest felt his beating heart

rain poured steadily down
wind howled, far away from any town

Our hair and clothes: soaking wet
he smiled at me, our lips met

the world zoomed by--let us be
alone with the sky for eternity

the main change here is with rhythm. You want your poem to be smoothly paced and not short and choppy.

Not much to critique, I have to say. But keep writing and NEVER give up!
stay strong,
--Medusa

dude, your a fine poet and an excellent writer. don't give up.

so yea......its really good.by far your best poem yet. just do what medusa said and it'll be great.


from-well, im pretty sure you know who I am

DO NOT STOP WRITING!! Your a great writer!! And you've never had any strikes or anything. Everybody who commented so far, basically gave everything, like critiquing and not giving up kind of stuff.

This is a really nice poem, far from being your 3rd strike.

I think the best advice given was to not use many extra words. [srry i forget who mentioned that]

Personally, I could actually see..not a painting, but some picture in my mind of your..[idk] characters. I loved this poem!!!!!

I'ts kind of different from everything else you write. Usually, your writing your novels, [like @ skool] or little poems that have action and adventure!!
KEEP WRITING!

This poem is fairly good. It's short but gets the feeling across. The rythm wasn't to bad and as one person said, removing and can make it a lot more smoother.

My favorite stanza was:

Our hair and clothes: soaking wet.

He smiled at me,

And our lips met.

It sticks out, making the atmosphere happy, yet romantic at the same time.

Don't stop writing! Us young writers need to express ourselves afterall!

Don't give up so quickly. I've been writing since I was 11 and all my poetry from when I started was just awful, seriously. You've started out better than I did =] This poem is good, you got across the emotions of the moment and that's the whole point of poetry (at least that's what I think) Your rhyming is actually smooth and seems quite natural.

Just the fact that you're convinced you're rubbish is almost a good sign, everyone feels like that, that's the thing with writing. That's what drives you to improve =] so don't give up.

This was sweet, definetly sweet (:

I thought your description was really nice.

For the majority this read very prose like, which mainly work, especially in the third and fourth stanzas.


However in the second stanza it was sickenly prose like >.<
I thought perhaps changing it to present tense instead of the past might make it less prosey (: Or pehaps the imperfect tense ('was running' 'was dancing' etc).

And the world zoomed by,
And let us be--

Beatiful (:

This was sweet, definetly sweet (:

I thought your description was really nice.

For the majority this read very prose like, which mainly work, especially in the third and fourth stanzas.


However in the second stanza it was sickenly prose like >.<
I thought perhaps changing it to present tense instead of the past might make it less prosey (: Or pehaps the imperfect tense ('was running' 'was dancing' etc).





Quote:
And the world zoomed by,
And let us be--


Beatiful (:

Thanks everyone!

I like this.



Kissing in the rain is something I hope I can do someday.



Don't stop writing poetry. It's fun and its a great way to get praise and relieve boredom.



If you change your mind about not writing poetry anymore, I'm sure people will appreciate it.


It was a cute poem. ^ ^

Wow. This is so gooood!!!! I wish I could write poetry like this .

is this really jocelyn ressler?????? i am astounded. for anyone who doesn't know, this is coming from a tomboy. whooo i'm still in shock. joce you never cease to surprise me. um besides the fact, that was amazing.

gamechanger10 wrote:alright, so my last two poems haven't been very great. so, i have two strikes (in my mind, anyway). this is my last try at poetry...three strikes and I'm out...so lets hope I'm not the Ryan Howard of poems and strike out...(i don't particularly care for this poem, so you can rip it to shreds if you want)

----------------

Our faces were just inches apart,
My hand lay on his chest,
And felt his beating heart.

Rain poured steadily down,
And wind howled,
Far away from any town.

Our hair and clothes: soaking wet.
He smiled at me,
And our lips met.

And the world zoomed by,
And let us be--
Just alone with the sky,
For eternity.

Beautiful. I loved it.

That was really good! ^^ do think you're not good at poetry or something 'cause that is evidently not true from reading this.