Author's Fantasy

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On the note of an Author's Mind....Could an Author write a world on to his Notebook, or maybe his Word Document and that Fantasy, which is the Author's Fantasy, could it maybe....Just maybe come to life one way or another? Or is it that some have mind powers like a Mind Psychia? In this world, no, for that would most definitely be Divine powers.

But think of Aliens, most picture them as green, Big eyed, Skinny limbs and body. But we've only ever seen one, that is assuming that the people who re covered an Alien Body from the Rose Well crash site back in the 60s, DID in fact get the Alien Body. But the public has never seen it, so does that make it real? Not by standards of Modern Society.

And just where does Aliens of that caliber come into this? Think of this....Do ALL Aliens have to be the a fore mentioned? An Author would ALWAYS say no. They very well could be from the future, and just like us...Just with high tech Technology because their in the future. Alternatively they very well could be from an alternate reality of this Universe WE live in.

People claim they see UFOs just hovering over us with no real reason...They would have to have a reason. Who's to say we were not created by the minds of them? Sense they have so good technology, or maybe they have that AND gifted minds, they could just imagine something and then observe us.

Imagining...A fantasy people could imagine, be it Modern, Past, Future, or maybe a reality shielded from us right here in our own world.

The Author imagines this. That imagining is a Fantasy. Thus it being the Author's Fantasy, which is what I could have said paragraphs ago, making this post a story...But that would gain no reads, for just seeing the Story jammed in your eyes, you'd be fearful you'd waste several minutes of your life reading something you'd hate. Which is why I wrote an equivalent of an essay to prove my writing skills so you'd be trust worthy enough to trust me in writing a story you'd enjoy.





Author’s Fantasy


"Have you ever felt the story you were writing come alive? Did the ink from your pen, the pixels on the screen transform the simple letters into a whole new world?" Maro scribbled down on a Post-It-Note, like he did with so many others which liven up the dull white walls of his Bed room with Neon green, pink and orange. He sighed and let his head drop in failure, crumpling up a page of another failed story and dropping it in a metal wired waste basket which over flowed with crumpled pages such as the one Maro just threw in. The newly pasted quote instantly flowed into his mind. “…A whole new world.”

That was it Maro thought. A new world, a new sheet of loose leaf paper in his Writing Note Book lay in front of him on his desk. Blank and ready to let his simple pen fill it with a whole new world which Maro thought of. An itch of inspiration struck instantaneously, Wrist muscle moving, the first lines of the world he’d be soon to make were wrote onto paper, as if the words them self wrote and not Maro.

Emotion feels so dull right after the battle ends, and that moment of blissful apathy gave Breeze such a rush. She was addicted to the indifference toward anything, anyone, that could only be felt after the last of her enemies slipped off her blade on to the ground.

“Breeze…” Maro mused closing his eyes imagining what she’d look like. “Silk white hair flowing to her elbows so gently, so beautifully. Soft blue eyes on her soft face, her delicate lips smiling.” He muttered, finding it easier to remember the character’s description if he voiced it. “Her body – so beautiful – modest, but not in the least bit under developed. Those blue fingernails matching her eyes just perfectly, her clothes the color of her lips. And that sleek rapier that she carried on her side, golden hilt, silver blade in a silver sheath studded with Diamonds, Rubies and Sapphires, small, yet expertly cut and shined.” He smiled gently as he opened his eyes. “She’s perfect.”

/End prologue

Love it? Hate it? Tell me what you think!




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hello and welcome to YWS but the rules are that you need to do two reviews before you post anything that means you need to do read two other peoples work and comment on them. ok to the critique i thought that in the beginning it needed to have more of a hook and i also thought that it didn't fit into the rest of your story like it was a whole different thing apart from what you wrote at the bottom. i think that you should re-write this to make it mesh with the rest of your story. unless you intended it to be like that. there were a couple of mitakes throughout the peice but i'm sure if you go back and re- read it you'll see them. overall i thought that your peice was an interesting one and if you correct those things that i said then it would be even better!
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I like it. The part before the actual story was repetitive, but the rest was well done. Just one mistake I want to point out:

as if the words them self


Ought to be "the words themselves."
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The preface was interesting. It's a thought I've had myself on several occasions - what would prevent society from realizing that it's existing under a massive delusion? Unfortunately, with the realization that proper technology can achieve almost any mental effect, the answer is that if such were the case, it'd be entirely the discretion of the controllers. Which is why we tend to ignore such a possibility - after all, in the case that it's true, you can't do anything about it.

As to the actual prologue, here are my thoughts: You tend to capitalize random things (or if there's a meaningful order to it, I haven't figured it out yet). and that makes it difficult to keep track of what exactly is going on - too many pinpricks for attention, you see.

Next up, the passage:

Emotion feels so dull right after the battle ends, and that moment of blissful apathy gave Breeze such a rush. She was addicted to the indifference toward anything, anyone, that could only be felt after the last of her enemies slipped off her blade on to the ground.


was incredibly confusing because it wasn't made clear that this was what he wrote. I thought that there was a violent change of POV - perhaps you could italicize Maro's thoughts and writing, or otherwise differentiate it? Your use of contradictory terms is nice, though; it provides an intriguing juxtaposition for you to base developments off of.

Also, there are some places where commas need to be placed, most of them when separating thoughts/quotes from description, and the others in organizing thoughts.

Overall, good work, and I'm looking forward to seeing where and how this proceeds.
Last edited by MidnightGladius on Sun Jun 29, 2008 1:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
"It's time to acknowledge the inevitable. Stifle your pride and embrace the glory of change." - Volrath Ishnikar, the Faithless General




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Im completely blown away by the first part of your story, the 'essay'. Along with many other writers and readers, ive often thought of things like that, and it makes me feel a littl better to know im not the only one. And welcome to YWS! Its amazing here and youll enjoy it, im sure of it. The story was a little confusing, and probably could be made a bit more clear if you just look through it and analyze it. Sorry, but im not one to spend an hour or so on a critique, cause thats just not the kind of person i am :D.

All in all, great story, just need to be explained a bit better. Have fun here at YWS!
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Very nice story idea. It was an interesting one that I have never thought of! Your character seems very down-to-earth, and he has almost a friend next door feel. You feel comfortable reading about him, and his ideas are ones that many writer's can relate to. Or the problems those ideas bring about.

First of, I have to say that you need to watch the random capitalization in some of the paragraphs. There really isn't any need for them.

Second, where you talk about Breeze and how she enjoys the fight, try to seperate that a little. Make it slightly different in some way. It was hard for me to transition reading about a boy and then going to a girl fighting. I had to go back quite a few times before I got that it was his new made-up girl.

Lastly, just watch the ending of your speech sentences. They almost never end in a period, especially when they have other things after them. EX: "Oh the dog." she said.
You wouldn't have the period there, but rather a comma. This for you really isn't a major problem, as I only noticed it a few times.

Anywho. I really liked this, and I hope you write some more! I want to find out if he makes Breeze real or what happens with her, or him for that matter! Take care and good luck!




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Hello

The whole piece has a very loose, introspective feel to it. However, the first half of the story (aliens) does not connect readily to Maro. Some more plot is needed to connect the ideas and propel the story forward.

Perhaps Breeze could be a sort of alien as Maro envisions?

Personally, I try to avoid directly addressing the audience unless the piece is a direct conversation, i.e. a letter.

I would like to see this expanded into a larger story.

Thank you for the read,
CainWalker




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Thank you for the feed back.

I guess I must have missed the rule about reviewing two times, I was eager to post something that I was working on. I've been busy, so I'm almost done with chapter two.

And about the little essay in the first part...I was just going off on a random thought pretty much, just thinking of random stuff that loosely related to the story. :D



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